- Find quotes by episode:
- Season 1
- Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
- Poker, Faith, and Eggs
- A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
- A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
- A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
- A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
- Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
- Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
- An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
- Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
- A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
- A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
- Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
- Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
- Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
- Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
- A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
- Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple
- A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
- Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza
- Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set
- Season 2
- A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels
- A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron
- A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens
- A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce
- A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
- Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan
- Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon
- An 8-Bit Princess and a Flat Tire Genius
- Family Dynamics and a Red Fiero
- A Stunted Childhood and a Can of Fancy Mixed Nuts
- A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf
- A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor
- A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey
- David, Goliath and a Yoo-hoo from the Back
- A Math Emergency and Perky Palms
- A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag
- Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary
- A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow
- A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater
- A Proposal and a Popsicle Stick Cross
- A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster
- A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast
- Season 3
- Quirky Eggheads and Texas Snow Globes
- A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board
- An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
- Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
- A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
- A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
- Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting
- The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's
- A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken
- Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib
- A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony
- Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit
Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?
Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.
Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.
Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.
Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.
George Sr.: What you doing?
Sheldon: Paige is feeling sad, so I'm making her a hot beverage.
George Sr.: Oh. You're a good kid. I'm proud of you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Of all my accomplishments, I don't know why he singled this moment out, but I'm glad he did.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Dr. Sturgis was right. There was nothing I could do to fix this, or so I thought.
Sheldon: Can I offer you a hot beverage?
Paige: That would be nice.
Sheldon: Be right back.
Adult Sheldon: The "Hot Beverage of Comfort" would become my go-to method of dealing with someone in emotional distress. And it always worked. Except when my wife was in labor, where it was suggested I throw it in my own face.
Paige: You're being weird, and not in the usual way. Guess that's my life now.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Paige: Everyone is acting weird. My mom is going on dates and my dad is acting like a child. My sister's crying all the time. I just wish that everything could go back to the way it was. I don't think it will.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] It turned out I was really good at listening. The trick is to sit there, and when you want to leave, don't.
Paige: I have to live in two separate houses. And my grandma says the meanest things about my dad. I know that everyone is upset that I'm not doing well in school. It's just hard to care. Everything that used to seem important to me just doesn't anymore. So I guess, really, I just feel alone.
Sheldon: That sounds hard.
Paige: Yeah, it is.
Sheldon: I'm listening.
Paige: To what?
Sheldon: To you.
Paige: I'm not saying anything.
Sheldon: Well, if you wanted to say anything, I'd be listening.
Paige: But I don't want to say anything.
Sheldon: And I don't want to be listening, but here we are. Are you feeling better yet?
Missy: Ow. Ow. Is there a way to do this so it doesn't hurt?
Paige: No. Beauty is pain.
Missy: Boy George must really suffer.
Sheldon: Missy, I need a moment with Paige.
Missy: Make it quick. I'm only half-beautiful.