- Find quotes by episode:
- Season 1
- Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
- Poker, Faith, and Eggs
- A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
- A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
- A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
- A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
- Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
- Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
- An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
- Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
- A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
- A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
- Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
- Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
- Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
- Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
- A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
- Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple
- A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
- Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza
- Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set
- Season 2
- A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels
- A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron
- A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens
- A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce
- A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
- Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan
- Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon
- An 8-Bit Princess and a Flat Tire Genius
- Family Dynamics and a Red Fiero
- A Stunted Childhood and a Can of Fancy Mixed Nuts
- A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf
- A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor
- A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey
- David, Goliath and a Yoo-hoo from the Back
- A Math Emergency and Perky Palms
- A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag
- Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary
- A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow
- A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater
- A Proposal and a Popsicle Stick Cross
- A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster
- A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast
- Season 3
- Quirky Eggheads and Texas Snow Globes
- A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board
- An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
- Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
- A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
- A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
- Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting
- The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's
- A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken
- Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib
- A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony
- Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit
- Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains
- A Slump, a Cross and Roadside Gravel
- A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub
- An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
- A Couple Bruised Ribs and a Cereal Box Ghost Detector
- A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff
- A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge
- A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat
- Season 4
- A Docent, A Little Lady and a Bouncer Named Dalton
- Training Wheels and an Unleashed Chicken
- Bible Camp and a Chariot of Love
- A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On
- Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
- A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
- An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
- Crappy Frozen Ice Cream and an Organ Grinder's Monkey
- Cowboy Aerobics and 473 Grease-Free Bolts
- A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles
- A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science
- The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
- Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency
- A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
- A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips
- A Black Hole
- The Wild and Woolly World of Nonlinear Dynamics
- Season 5
- One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires
- Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism
- Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench
- Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
- Stuffed Animals and a Sweet Southern Syzygy
- Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones
- An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel
- The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin
- The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian
- An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
- A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.
George Jr.: What are you doing?
George Sr.: Separating the whites from the colors.
George Jr.: Whoa, that's racist.
George Sr.: All right, see, when you get tackled in your own end zone, the other team gets two points and the ball. That's called a safety.
Missy: I thought one of the players was a safety.
George Sr.: Well, that's true, too.
Missy: I'm confused.
George Sr.: Now you know how I feel when you talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Missy: What's confusing? Everything you need to know is in the title.
Mary: [o.s.] Sheldon? Where are you?
Pastor Rob: [o.s.] Sheldon?
Adult Sheldon: That night began my winning streak at sardines. Every lock-in, every birthday party, someone suggested we play, and I won every time.
Adult Sheldon: I'm the king of sardines.
Pastor Rob: Peg, how's it going?
Peg: Last time I checked, they were all alive.
Mary: Where's Sheldon?
Brenda Sparks: Anyway, his name is Billy, and he's in sixth grade, so you're gonna be seeing him in three or four or five years. [Petersen laughs]
George Sr.: You met him at my house when we were playing poker.
Principal Petersen: The big kid. I love that kid.
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
Brenda Sparks: Good. Remember that when he's failing homeroom.
Principal Petersen: Oh, don't worry about grades. He's gonna be a linebacker. Where you been hiding this one, George?
George Sr.: Haven't been hiding her.
Brenda Sparks: Well, not that easy to hide.
Principal Petersen: [chuckles] I'll get us another round. [whispers to George] Tell her how I make more money than you.