- Find quotes by episode:
- Season 1
- Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
- Poker, Faith, and Eggs
- A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
- A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
- A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
- A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
- Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
- Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
- An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
- Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
- A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
- A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
- Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
- Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
- Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
- Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
- A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
- Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple
- A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
- Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza
- Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set
- Season 2
- A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels
- A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron
- A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens
- A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce
- A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
- Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan
- Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon
- An 8-Bit Princess and a Flat Tire Genius
- Family Dynamics and a Red Fiero
- A Stunted Childhood and a Can of Fancy Mixed Nuts
- A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf
- A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor
- A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey
- David, Goliath and a Yoo-hoo from the Back
- A Math Emergency and Perky Palms
- A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag
- Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary
- A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow
- A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater
- A Proposal and a Popsicle Stick Cross
- A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster
- A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast
- Season 3
Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.
Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.
Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.
Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.
Pastor: In Matthew nine, verse four, Jesus said, "Why would you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?"
Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Sheldon: I just don't think this part applies to me.
Mary: That's fine. Be quiet and listen.
Sheldon: I'm only nine years old. Most evil doesn't start till puberty.
Sheldon: Mom. Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I was Gollum and Smeagol and I was in a cave fighting with myself over physics and hobbits. And then I realized that even though physics is frustrating, it won't turn me into a tormented creature who bites the heads off fish. Okay, good night.
George Sr.: [to Mary] I've been doing a great job with Missy. This one's on you.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] We're never going to figures it out.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We can, we're smarts. We're so smarts. Our brains is precious.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] If our brains is precious, we're wasting it on hobbitses. We like sciences.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We took a break from sciences. It was making us crazy.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] And look at us now. Look at what those nasty hobbitses have done to us.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] No, it was physicses. Physicses did this to us.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] Physicses.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [in bed] Ow!
Missy: I warned you.
Adult Sheldon: Having found no answers, I took it upon myself to rectify the inconsistent timeline in Lord of the Rings. J.R.R. Tolkien had a brilliant mind, but let's be honest. He was no S.L. Cooper.
George Sr.: Nice.
Missy: How do you make it curve?
George Sr.: Well, that's a little tricky. You you put two fingers on the seam. Right? And then you flick your wrist.
George Sr.: Yeah? Here, try it.
George Sr.: Hey! You want to throw the ball around?
Missy: [crying] No, go away.
George Sr.: Did something happen at school?
Missy: [crying] I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: Okay. Well... You change your mind, you know I'm here for you. [starts to leave]
Missy: He likes someone else.
George Sr.: I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Missy: She doesn't even know who Nolan Ryan is.
George Sr.: This guy sounds like an idiot.
Missy: He's not. He's perfect.
George Sr.: All right. Want me to get your mom?
George Sr.: You want me to beat this guy up?
George Sr.: What can I do?
[Outside, George and Missy throw a ball around]