- Find quotes by episode:
- Season 1
- Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
- Poker, Faith, and Eggs
- A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
- A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
- A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
- A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
- Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
- Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
- An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
- Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
- A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
- A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
- Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
- Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
- Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
- Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
- A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
- Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple
- A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
- Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza
- Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set
- Season 2
Pastor: In Matthew nine, verse four, Jesus said, "Why would you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?"
Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Sheldon: I just don't think this part applies to me.
Mary: That's fine. Be quiet and listen.
Sheldon: I'm only nine years old. Most evil doesn't start till puberty.
Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.
Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.
Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.
Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.
George Jr.: Can we put on Soul Train?
George Sr.: Why?
George Jr.: There's a girl on there I kind of want to marry.
Missy: George, you got a minute?
George Jr.: What's up?
Missy: Not you, him.
George Sr.: What?
Missy: Sheldon told me that we get paid to go to that college and answer their questions.
George Sr.: Yeah, so?
Missy: I want to know how much we're making.
George Sr.: Why?
Missy: 'Cause I want my fair share.
George Sr.: Is that so? What do you think your fair share is?
George Sr.: Hm, guess that sounds right.
Missy: So how much are we making?
George Sr.: $7.50 a week.
George Sr.: Really.
Missy: Well, I want half that.
George Sr.: Which is?
Missy: Hang on. Sheldon!
Mary: What do you think, baby?
Missy: I pick Red Lobster.
Mary: You got it.
George Sr.: Damn. There goes our per diem.
Mary: Missy, we're gonna eat in a restaurant. Where would you like to go?
Missy: I get to pick?
Sheldon: Why don't I get to pick?
Mary: Because your sister's getting to pick. It's not just about you in this house.
Mary: A little late for me to start cooking. Why don't we stop somewhere for dinner.
George Sr.: Really? The five of us? That's kind of pricey.
Meemaw: Would you rather buy a fishing boat?
George Sr.: You're a blabbermouth, you know that?