- Find quotes by episode:
- Season 1
- Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
- Poker, Faith, and Eggs
- A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
- A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
- A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
- A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
- Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
- Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
- An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
- Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
- A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
- A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
- Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
- Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
- Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
- Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
- A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
- Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple
- A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
- Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza
Pastor: In Matthew nine, verse four, Jesus said, "Why would you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?"
Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Sheldon: I just don't think this part applies to me.
Mary: That's fine. Be quiet and listen.
Sheldon: I'm only nine years old. Most evil doesn't start till puberty.
Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.
Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.
Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.
Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.
Sheldon: Mom, Mom, Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
George Sr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis and Meemaw had their first sleepover. It's a big step in their relationship. I'm going to go congratulate them.
George Sr.: Hey, put on a jacket, it's chilly out.
Sheldon: Will do!
Mary: Or try saying he can't go.
George Sr.: Oh, never mind, you can't go!
Sheldon: The last thing I heard was jacket!
Sheldon: This is very promising.
Missy: What's happening?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis's bike is still at Meemaw's.
Sheldon: That means he probably is, too.
Missy: You need to get a life.
Dr. John Sturgis: You seem quiet. Is everything okay?
Meemaw: Are you not interested in me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course I am. I'm very interested.
Meemaw: Then how come when I I invited you to spend the night, I got rejected?
Dr. John Sturgis: I did do that, didn't I?
Meemaw: Good Lord, yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I can explain.
Meemaw: Please do.
Dr. John Sturgis: I didn't want you to think that I would think that you were the sort of woman who would engage in coitus simply because I cooked you a Sichuan dinner.
Meemaw: It was better before you explained.
Missy: When I grow up, I'm gonna eat lobster every night.
George Sr.: Well, hon, you better stay in school and get a good education.
Missy: I was thinking I'd just marry a rich guy.
George Sr.: Sure, that's a way to go.
Missy: Or a guy who works at Red Lobster.
George Sr.: That's another way to go.
George Sr.: The trick is not to make eye contact.
Missy: Tell him.