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41Quotes from ‘A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub’

A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

315. A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Aired February 13, 2020

Dale is alarmed when Meemaw meets his ex-wife, June (guest star Reba McEntire). Meanwhile, Sheldon is upset when Dr. Sturgis assigns a group project in his college class.

Quote from Sheldon

Keith: How about we work in my dorm tomorrow?
Mary: Um, I don't know if a dormitory is the right environment for someone his age.
Sheldon: If you're worried about the beer-drinking, Dad has thoroughly desensitized me.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How about you all come work at our house?
Sam: I guess if that's our only option.
Mary: It'll be fun. I'll make food. You can even bring your laundry.
Keith: That actually would be great.
Sheldon: Now this man's soiled underpants will be in my kitchen. Thank you.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: What are you doing here?
Meemaw: Me? What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, this is where I hang out now. I grade papers, I chat with the other patrons. The people who like to bet on football rub my head for luck.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: All right, come on, let's talk about something else.
June: Okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: A lot of people here like to talk about the game.
Meemaw: Really? You speak sports now?
Dr. John Sturgis: I sure do. Check this out. Hey, ref! I suggest you go back to referee school and this time pay attention in class!
Man #1: You tell him, Doc.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

June: [answering phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, June. John Sturgis here. We met the other day. I'm, uh, the scientist who won over the whole bar.
June: Oh, sure, I remember you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good, good. Anyway, I was wondering if you had any romantic interest in me.
June: Well, you don't beat around the bush, do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: In medieval times, hunters used to hire men to beat the area around bushes with sticks in order to flush out game, so no, I guess I don't do that.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Growing up, I had an aversion to any type of group. For example, rock groups. I'll restrict my drug use to Rolaids, thank you. Group costumes. I'll tell you who really didn't have a heart: my mother, for making me wear a funnel on my head. But of all the groups I didn't like, by far the worst was...
Dr. John Sturgis: Group projects. [class groans] Yeah. You heard me.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Can't we just do this individually?
Keith: Why are you complaining? I'm the one stuck working with a kid.
Sheldon: Hey. When it comes to physics, I'm practically a coot. Which is an old person word for someone who's old. Tell him.
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.
Sam: Let's just go to a coffee shop and get this over with.
Sheldon: I can't go now. I have to get home for my bath and bedtime. Which is also something an old person does.
Dr. John Sturgis: That we do.

Quote from Dale

Dale: I-I just don't understand why you want to go out with her.
Meemaw: You don't? She seems like fun.
Dale: Well, yeah, she is, until you marry her and then you find her sleeping upside down in the closet. No, I mean, seriously. You don't think that having drinks with my ex-wife is a little weird?
Meemaw: You went camping with John.
Dale: Oh, it was weird.

Quote from Mary

George Jr.: Ready to go?
Missy: Yep.
Mary: Go where?
Missy: The mall.
Mary: What happened to asking for permission?
Missy: I asked Dad.
Mary: You know that doesn't count.
Missy: That's what he said.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, Sam, Keith, big bag of dirty underpants.

Quote from Meemaw

June: I like your blouse.
Meemaw: Oh, you do? Truth be told, I changed my outfit three times.
June: For little old me?
Meemaw: Well, I've never gotten drinks with a boyfriend's ex-wife. Do you try to look hot or do you try to look like you're not trying?
June: Well, clearly, you went for hot.
Meemaw: I wasn't even trying.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Well, we've covered football and grandkids...
June: Our favorite Golden Girl. Did not peg you for a Dorothy.
Meemaw: What have we left out?
June: Hmm. I don't know. Maybe we've run out of stuff to talk about.
Meemaw: Oh, wait. We forgot about your ex-husband.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Man #1: Hey, there's my man! [cheering]
Man #2: The doctor's in the house!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, y'all!
Meemaw: Oh, boy.

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: So, um, how do you two know each other?
Meemaw: Well, June here, actually, is Dale's ex-wife.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I am Connie's ex-boyfriend. Is that fun or weird?
Meemaw: Yeah.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: They call it "Hot Dog on a Stick," but that's not the only food on a stick they sell.
Missy: It's not?
George Jr.: They also got cheese on a stick.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: I liked it better when you wanted to marry ALF.
Missy: I still kind of do.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Ugh, come on, Bucky, try throwing it to someone on your own team.
Keith: Is that the Aggie game?
George Sr.: Yeah, we're down by ten. You like A&M?
Keith: I was raised a Cornhusker, but when in Texas.
George Sr.: Huh, science and sports? Didn't know that was a thing.
Keith: It is possible to be a scientist and a normal guy.
[meanwhile:]
Dr. John Sturgis: [as his head is rubbed] May your team be victorious!
[back:]
George Sr.: Not my experience.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: Friday the Thirteenth Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan might be the best one.
Missy: Muppets also took Manhattan.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: There he is again.
George Jr.: Why don't you go talk to him?
Missy: Are you crazy? Look how beautiful he is.
George Jr.: Sorry, the only guy I'm calling beautiful is me. And maybe David Hasselhoff.

Quote from George Sr.

Keith: Someone's got to be in charge, but when you step up and do it, everyone gets upset.
George Sr.: So your problem is a woman's mad at you and Sheldon thinks you're dumb?
Keith: Yeah.
George Sr.: Welcome to my life, friend.
Keith: W- What do I do?
George Sr.: You- You quit complaining. You're young, you're smart, you're not tied down. This is as good as it gets.
Keith: It is?
George Sr.: Yes. I wish I was 20 again. Eating and drinking and being skinny. Now go back in there, finish your project, and get your ass to a keg party. Go!

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Just say hi, keep it casual, pretend like you don't care that much.
Missy: But I care the most.
George Jr.: See, that's gonna freak him out.
Missy: How do you know?
George Jr.: 'Cause it's freaking me out. Now go. [later, shouting:] No touching! That's right, you heard me!

Quote from Meemaw

June: Practice running late?
Meemaw: Yeah. The Sparks kid got himself stuck in the bathroom.
June: How'd that happen?
Meemaw: Well, the door's a push and he was a-pulling. Look at him out there.
June: Billy's my grandson.
Meemaw: Oh. I am so sorry. I- I mean, not that he's your grandson. I'm just I'm-a stop talking now.
June: I'm messing with you. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Well... You got me, all right.

Quote from Meemaw

June: Ah, no. That one's mine over there. Evan.
Meemaw: Oh, I-isn't that the coach's grandson?
June: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: So you must be Coach Ballard's ex-wife?
June: Yeah. Why?
Meemaw: No reason.

Quote from Meemaw

June: This would be a lot more fun with margaritas.
Meemaw: What isn't?
June: Then you'd love the way I ran the PTA.
Meemaw: And you'd love the way I show up at church. [both laugh]
June: You're fun. We ought to go out for drinks one night. I'll give you my number.
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. Oh, well... All right.
June: I'm around tomorrow if you're free.
Meemaw: Uh, sure. You should know something, though. Um, I'm kind of dating your ex-husband.
June: You waited till now to tell me? You're sneaky. I like that.
Meemaw: That is not the feedback I usually get.
June: Well, since we're being honest, I knew who you were the whole time. That's why I came over here.
Meemaw: Damn. Nicely played.
June: So we're still on for drinks?
Meemaw: Oh, hell yeah.
June: Yeehaw.

Quote from Sheldon

Sam: Can I at least switch groups?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sorry. I assigned this project because it's important for scientists to learn how to collaborate.
Sheldon: If we must work together, here's my proposal. I do everything by myself and put their names on it.
Dr. John Sturgis: No.

Quote from Mary

Mary: What's going on?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis is forcing us to collaborate.
Mary: Oh.
Sam: And we wanted to get it done tonight, but apparently there's a bedtime and shower conflict.
Sheldon: Bubble bath.
Mary: Oh, right, it's bath night.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: She spent 18 years with you. I'd rather learn from her.
Dale: So you can dig up a little dirt on me?
Meemaw: Mm, yeah.
Dale: Well, let me spoil it, then. She's gonna tell you about the time I had a little too much to drink on Halloween and I ended up puking in my son's candy bucket.
Meemaw: I bet she tells it better.
Dale: Then there was the time we had a fight - and I locked her out in a hailstorm.
Meemaw: Damn.
Dale: But in my defense, when I locked her out it, it was raining. The hail was heaven-sent.
Meemaw: You're a charmer.

Quote from Meemaw

Dale: So you didn't do anything you regret when you were married?
Meemaw: Oh, lots of stuff. Feel free to grab a shovel and go have some drinks with my dead husband.
Dale: Oh, that's dark.
Meemaw: Not as dark as my secrets.
Dale: Oh, you... You are so hot.

Quote from June

June: Hey, there.
Meemaw: I hope you don't mind, I started without you.
June: Not at all. Is this one for me or am I gonna be carrying you home tonight? [chuckles]
Meemaw: It's all yours.

Quote from Sheldon

Keith: I think we can explain the additional electrons if we assume the barrier has a slope to it.
Sheldon: That won't work.
Sam: Okay, well, what if the electrons are a product of-
Sheldon: We need to consider that the electrons are actually moving backwards in time.
Keith: No, that math's gonna take forever. Let's just do it my way. Can you write on the board? You probably have the best handwriting.
Sam: Why? Because I'm a girl?
Sheldon: I'm sure it's better than mine. I only learned to write six years ago.

Quote from Meemaw

June: What do you want to know?
Meemaw: Well, I know not to piss him off during a hailstorm.
June: He told you that?
Meemaw: He wanted to throw himself under the bus rather than let you push him.
June: Well, did he tell you that I was naked when he locked me out?
Meemaw: No! Why did he do that?
June: 'Cause I was trying to hit him with a golf club.
Meemaw: What were you doing naked with a golf club in a hailstorm?
June: Uh, you know, it was the '70s.
Meemaw: I remember.

Quote from June

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie!
Meemaw: Hey, John.
June: How?
Meemaw: We used to date.
June: So you dated him and Dale? You don't have a type, do you?

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: John, this is June.
June: Hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: June. After Juno, wife of Jupiter and queen of the gods.
June: No, after the fact that my mom got knocked up in June.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ribald! Wonderful.

Quote from Sheldon

Keith: All right, something's not working out here.
Sheldon: Perhaps it's the way you're pacing. Pick a number of steps and stick to it.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: So how's it going?
Sheldon: Great. Now that those two are gone, I can finally get some work done.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

June: So you went camping with Dale? How'd that go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I hesitate to speak ill of him.
June: I divorced him. Say what you want.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then, it was terrible.

Quote from Meemaw

June: You're a doctor?
Meemaw: He has his PhD in physics, but his specialty is quantum chromodynamics.
June: Wow, that sounds interesting.
Meemaw: Oh, it is. And I would tell you more about it, but I'm lucky I remembered the quantum chromodynamics.
June: And you didn't even have to rub his head.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's here if the mood strikes.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I brought you some coffee.
Sam: You don't have to keep waiting on us.
Mary: I'm sorry, is there a problem?
Sam: I'm just frustrated.
Mary: Is it Sheldon?
Sam: It's Sheldon and Keith and every other guy in our field, which is basically everyone. There were only three other women and one of them just dropped out to get married.
Mary: Oh, good for her. O-Or bad, bad for science, bad for women.
Sam: None of the guys in my class take me seriously, and honestly, it doesn't help when women like you run around doing their laundry and making them snacks.
Mary: I'm just being a good host.
Sam: Yeah, and raising another boy to think that all women are just notetakers and mommies.
Mary: I'm sorry I'm making life so hard for you. And for your information, Sheldon does not look down on women, he looks down on everyone.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I understand that you want to be appreciated for what you do, but so do I. This is my home and taking care of my family is the choice that I've made, and I am proud to do it.
Sam: Okay.
Mary: It is okay. And I am sorry if me baking cookies says something bad about women, but if you think that Sheldon is difficult to work with now, you should try him with low blood sugar, he is a monster.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Somehow, my parents calmed everyone down and got us back on track. We listened to each other's thoughts, and we worked as a team for almost four whole minutes.
Keith: All right, that doesn't make any sense.
Sheldon: Because you don't understand it.
Sam: It makes total sense, Keith.
Sheldon: [o.s.] Please, just take your underpants and go.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] You know, the truth is, I'm-I'm still kind of heartbroken over Connie, and, uh, I was hoping if someone else liked me, it might make it hurt less.
June: Well, I don't know either one of you very well, but I wouldn't write off Connie just yet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why? Did she say something?
June: No, but, uh, it's just the way she looked at you.
Dr. John Sturgis: See? That's what I'm terrible at. How do you people do it?
June: Look, I know she's with Dale right now, but we were married for a long time. Trust me, he's gonna screw this up.
Dr. John Sturgis: Follow up question: Should I mention any of this to Connie?
June: Mm, I wouldn't.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. Bye.

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