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41Quotes from ‘A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm’

A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm

306. A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm

Aired November 7, 2019

Missy's success dunking Pastor Jeff at a church carnival leads her to try out for the baseball team. Meanwhile, Meemaw is still reeling from her breakup with Dr. Sturgis.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I can't find an umbrella.
Mary: What do you need an umbrella for? It's gonna be hot and sunny.
Sheldon: I think you've answered your own question.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Does he really have to walk around with that?
Mary: He's fine. Leave him be.
Missy: You're just begging to get beat up.
Sheldon: I'm more concerned about the biggest bully of all: the Sun.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm glad she's doing well. Tell her I say hi.
Mary: I will do that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, no. Uh, tell her I said hello. "Hi" is a bit, uh, casual. Or wait. Greetings. Just say, uh, "Greetings from John."
Mary: You don't sound sure about that.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I don't.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Missy said that Meemaw is upset at Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Don't worry, she'll get over it.
Sheldon: The question is will she get over it by Friday at 4:00 p.m.? That's when we leave for my class.
Mary: I don't know, Shelly.
Sheldon: I suppose she could drop me off outside. Where are we on me walking through parking lots alone these days?
Mary: How about this? Um, until she's up to it, I'll take you.
Sheldon: Thanks. The parking lot still gives me the willies.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: By the way, don't send Georgie to the store anymore to get you beer.
Meemaw: He snitched on me? Well, he tried to steal one.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What time do I need to be there to set up?
Mary: Noon's fine.
George Sr.: What, you're helping out?
George Jr.: Yeah.
George Sr.: Why?
George Jr.: I want to support Mom. And God.
Missy: You're just doing it 'cause Veronica's gonna be there.
George Jr.: And who made Veronica?

Quote from Mary

Mary: Hey, do you want to help me paint these posters?
Sheldon: Not at all. [exits]
Mary: Oh, yeah, people would line up for that dunk tank.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: You must be Cain, because you're not Abel to hit the target.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Have you been on the couch all day?
Meemaw: No. For your information, I got up, put my slippers on, crossed the street, broke into your house and stole your beer.

Quote from George Sr.

Coach Wilkins: Missy want to play ball?
George Sr.: How do you know I wasn't calling for Sheldon? Fine, it was Missy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: There's my favorite fire exit. Very well marked.
Mary: Nice.
Sheldon: Ooh. See that little step stool? They didn't have that before I got here.
Mary: Very impressive.
Sheldon: I know. And this is where I take my quantum field theory class. Those are my college classmates. I would tell you their names, but most of them won't make it to Christmas.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Got your beer.
Meemaw: They give you any problem?
George Jr.: Nah. Change.
Meemaw: You keep it. Hey. I may be too drunk to drive, but I still can count to six. [chuckles]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Are you going for your baseball tryout?
Missy: Yup.
Sheldon: Will it include a written test?
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Well, just in case, here are some baseball facts that may come in handy. It was invented in the 1830s. The first officially recorded game was in 1846, and that game took place in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Missy: I won't need to know that.
Sheldon: Well, now you do, and you'll never forget it.
Missy: Already gone.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hey, did everybody see there's a sale at RadioShack on nine-volt batteries? It's a golden opportunity to stock up.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: You're coming with us, right?
Meemaw: No, I'm not.
Mary: Come on, it'll be fun.
George Sr.: The old lady wants to be cranky and alone. You got to respect that.
Meemaw: I'm not cranky. And I'm sick of everybody thinking that they know what's best for me.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: [answering phone] Yeah.
Mary: Hey. We're getting ready to head over to the carnival.
Meemaw: Good for you.
Mary: Why don't you come with us?
Meemaw: Because I'm quite content right where I am.
Mary: Don't you think it'll be nice to get out of the house?
Meemaw: I can't believe I didn't think of that. What a great idea. Thank you.
Mary: So you're coming?
Meemaw: No. [hangs up]
Mary: Still cranky.

Quote from Peg

Peg: I bet you're disappointed that cute little blonde girl got sick and you're working with me.
George Jr.: I guess.
Peg:You're gonna learn life's like that. A parade of disappointments.
George Jr.: Is that so?
Peg: Yep. Sooner you give up, the better. When did you give up?
Peg: June 14, 1945. The man I loved came home from the war with syphilis. Now ask me how I found out.
George Jr.: No, thank you.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Expecting rain, Sheldon?
Sheldon: No. In this context, it's a parasol from the French "para" meaning "defense from" and "sol" meaning "sun."
Pastor Jeff: Please, Mary.
Mary: No. Will you dunk him?
George Sr.: You got it.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: You might want to pray to the Lord for better aim. I'll get you started. Uh, Lord, help George Cooper hit something other than the buffet. Sorry. Trash talk's part of the job.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Missy: Can I throw one?
George Sr.: Sure. Okay, now, remember what I taught you. Look where you're throwing and follow through.
Pastor Jeff: Uh-oh! Dad's bringing in the big guns. Let's see what you've got, little...
Mary: Yes! Yes!
Pastor Jeff: I am baptized once again.

Quote from George Jr.

Peg: So I shacked up with him anyway.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Peg: I mean, what choice did I have? I was pregnant with I don't know whose baby.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Peg: Sleeping on my cousin Arlene's couch. Which was in her front yard.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: But listen, if you've just come over here to badger me, please don't.
Mary: Fine. I brought you fried chicken from the carnival.
Meemaw: I don't need your pity chicken.
Mary: Look, I know you're having a tough time.
Meemaw: I'm fine.
Mary: Okay. Does that mean you'll still take Sheldon to Dr. Sturgis's class?
Meemaw: No. But I'm fine.
Mary: So you won't mind if I take him?
Meemaw: Do whatever you want.
Mary: See, when you say it like that, it sounds like you might mind.
Meemaw: How about this? Darling daughter, please, do whatever it is that makes you happy.
Mary: If you're gonna act like this, then I'm gonna leave.
Meemaw: Oh, no. And after I didn't open the door for you? Hey, wait. Get me a beer.
Mary: No.
Meemaw: Well, at least get me some chicken!

Quote from George Sr.

Missy: Dad, can I talk to you?
George Sr.: Uh, can it wait a minute?
Missy: It's pretty important.
George Sr.: So's this.

Quote from George Sr.

Missy: I've been thinking about how much I enjoyed throwing that ball today.
George Sr.: You did great, honey.
Missy: I know. That's why I want to play on a team.
George Sr.: You get that dunk tank isn't a sport?
Missy: I mean baseball.
George Sr.: Okay, sure. They don't have any baseball teams for girls. Wait a few years, you can play softball.
Missy: I don't want to wait. I want to play baseball.
George Sr.: But you'd be the only girl.
Missy: I don't care.
George Sr.: Okay, well I-I guess I can look into it.
Missy: Thanks, Daddy.
George Sr.: Sure you don't want to play soccer or something?
Missy: Nope!
George Sr.: Cheerleading?
Missy: Baseball!
George Sr.: Yeah.

Quote from Mary

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, hello, Sheldon. Hello, Mary. I don't think I've ever seen you here before.
Mary: It's my first time.
Sheldon: I took her on a tour.
Mary: It was extremely thorough.

Quote from Mary

Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, how's Connie?
Sheldon: Actually...
Mary: Sheldon, why don't you go save me a seat?
Sheldon: Smart. The front row is a hot ticket.
Mary: Anyway, uh, Mom's good.
Dr. John Sturgis: Because she's usually the one who brings Sheldon.
Mary: Well, she's been pretty busy lately.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Relationships are a waste of time. Flying solo is the only way to go.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: Do you think Tarzan was happy with Jane? No way. He was happy swinging through the trees.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: The Statue of Liberty she's got her book and her torch, and she's good.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: The best thing is for you to just forget about this Veronica girl.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: You should be playing the field, just like a bumblebee going from flower to flower.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: And don't get confused about all this love nonsense. Your freedom is the only thing that matters.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: Be a sweet boy and get Meemaw a towel.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: I need coffee.
Mary: You need a shower.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [shouting] Missy, five minutes!
Meemaw: Oh. Can you please?
George Sr.: Oh. Sorry. Been there. [shouting] She's hungover! Wants us to keep it down!

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I'm starting to worry about you.
Meemaw: I just had a little too much to drink. So what?
Mary: If you're upset about Dr. Sturgis, that's okay.
Meemaw: I'm not upset. I don't care.
Mary: So you don't care that I saw him last night?
Meemaw: No. I hope he's great.
Mary: Okay.
Meemaw: Is he great?
Mary: He seemed okay.
Meemaw: Tell it to somebody who cares.

Quote from Dale

George Sr.: You want to see what she can do?
Dale: I want to see her go home.
George Sr.: Sorry?
Dale: Come on, I'm not gonna put a girl on the team.
George Sr.: Why not?
Dale: Why not? She's a girl. She's got pigtails.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Missy, give us a minute.
Missy: No, I want to hear.
Dale: Look, sweetheart, I just think it's great you want to be on the team, but these boys are gonna eat you alive.
Missy: I'm not afraid of them.
Dale: Well, maybe you should be.

Quote from Dale

George Sr.: At least let her throw a few. She got a hell of an arm.
Dale: George, you're a football coach, right?
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
Dale: You gonna put a girl on your team?
George Sr.: It's different. It's a contact sport.
Dale: So is this. She gets up to bat, and someone deliberately throws a ball at her, it's gonna make contact.
George Sr.: You're not even gonna give her a chance?
Dale: No.
George Sr.: Come on, let's get out of here. I'm sorry, honey.
Missy: It's not your fault.
Dale: Bye-bye.

Quote from George Jr.

Dorothy: Oh, and this is me and my cousin Glen. No, no, wait. Is that Russell or Glen? No, I'm pretty sure that's Glen.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Are you all right?
Missy: Leave me alone.
Sheldon: Was there a written test, and you couldn't remember what I told you?
Missy: No.
Meemaw: You want to be on that baseball team?
Missy: Yes, but the coach said-
Meemaw: I don't care what he said get your glove, let's go.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: Missy.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Do good baseball.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Can I talk to you?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: You tell my granddaughter she can't play baseball?
Dale: Oh, well, I was just looking out for her, that's all.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Dale: Yes, ma'am, it is.
Meemaw: Well, we don't need you deciding what's best for her.
Dale: Uh-huh. What do you need?
Meemaw: I need you to give her the same chance you would a boy!
Dale: Or what?
Meemaw: Or you and me gonna have problems.
Dale: Well, we wouldn't want that, would we?
Meemaw: No, we wouldn't.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Fire it in there, baby.
Missy: I'm scared.
Meemaw: Meemaw has just made a scene. Now is not the time to be scared!
Dale: Are we gonna do this today?
Meemaw: Keep your pants on! [to Missy] Throw the damn ball. I'm just a girl, but I think that's called a strike.
Dale: Not bad.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: We're back.
George Sr.: How'd it go?
Meemaw: She made the team!
Mary: Congratulations!
Missy: And Meemaw got a date with the coach.
Mary: What?
Meemaw: It was a productive afternoon.

Quote from George Jr.

Dorothy: Back then, gas was only 20 cents a gallon.
George Jr.: Mm-hmm. Not that we had anyplace worthwhile to drive to.
George Jr.: Did you say Veronica would be back soon?
Dorothy: I'm sure it'll be just any minute. Let me show you my collection of antique bells. [rings a bell in his face]
George Jr.: Please stop.

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