41Quotes from ‘A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm’
-
306. A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
November 7, 2019Missy's success dunking Pastor Jeff at a church carnival leads her to try out for the baseball team. Meanwhile, Meemaw is still reeling from her breakup with Dr. Sturgis.
Quote from Dr. John Sturgis
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm glad she's doing well. Tell her I say hi.
Mary: I will do that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, no. Uh, tell her I said hello. "Hi" is a bit, uh, casual. Or wait. Greetings. Just say, uh, "Greetings from John."
Mary: You don't sound sure about that.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I don't.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.
Quote from Sheldon
George: Does he really have to walk around with that?
Mary: He's fine. Leave him be.
Missy: You're just begging to get beat up.
Sheldon: I'm more concerned about the biggest bully of all: the Sun.
Quote from Meemaw
Mary: By the way, don't send Georgie to the store anymore to get you beer.
Meemaw: He snitched on me? Well, he tried to steal one.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: I can't find an umbrella.
Mary: What do you need an umbrella for? It's gonna be hot and sunny.
Sheldon: I think you've answered your own question.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Pastor Jeff: You might want to pray to the Lord for better aim. I'll get you started. Uh, Lord, help George Cooper hit something other than the buffet. Sorry. Trash talk's part of the job.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Pastor Jeff: Expecting rain, Sheldon?
Sheldon: No. In this context, it's a parasol from the French "para" meaning "defense from" and "sol" meaning "sun."
Pastor Jeff: Please, Mary.
Mary: No. Will you dunk him?
George: You got it.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Missy said that Meemaw is upset at Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Don't worry, she'll get over it.
Sheldon: The question is will she get over it by Friday at 4:00 p.m.? That's when we leave for my class.
Mary: I don't know, Shelly.
Sheldon: I suppose she could drop me off outside. Where are we on me walking through parking lots alone these days?
Mary: How about this? Um, until she's up to it, I'll take you.
Sheldon: Thanks. The parking lot still gives me the willies.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: What time do I need to be there to set up?
Mary: Noon's fine.
George: What, you're helping out?
Georgie: Yeah.
George: Why?
Georgie: I want to support Mom. And God.
Missy: You're just doing it 'cause Veronica's gonna be there.
Georgie: And who made Veronica?
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Are you going for your baseball tryout?
Missy: Yup.
Sheldon: Will it include a written test?
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Well, just in case, here are some baseball facts that may come in handy. It was invented in the 1830s. The first officially recorded game was in 1846, and that game took place in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Missy: I won't need to know that.
Sheldon: Well, now you do, and you'll never forget it.
Missy: Already gone.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: Got your beer.
Meemaw: They give you any problem?
Georgie: Nah. Change.
Meemaw: You keep it. Hey. I may be too drunk to drive, but I still can count to six. [chuckles]
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: There's my favorite fire exit. Very well marked.
Mary: Nice.
Sheldon: Ooh. See that little step stool? They didn't have that before I got here.
Mary: Very impressive.
Sheldon: I know. And this is where I take my quantum field theory class. Those are my college classmates. I would tell you their names, but most of them won't make it to Christmas.
Quote from George Sr.
Coach Wilkins: Missy want to play ball?
George: How do you know I wasn't calling for Sheldon? Fine, it was Missy.
Quote from Meemaw
Mary: Have you been on the couch all day?
Meemaw: No. For your information, I got up, put my slippers on, crossed the street, broke into your house and stole your beer.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Pastor Jeff: You must be Cain, because you're not Abel to hit the target.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: The best thing is for you to just forget about this Veronica girl.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: You should be playing the field, just like a bumblebee going from flower to flower.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: And don't get confused about all this love nonsense. Your freedom is the only thing that matters.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: Be a sweet boy and get Meemaw a towel.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Hey, did everybody see there's a sale at RadioShack on nine-volt batteries? It's a golden opportunity to stock up.
Quote from George Jr.
Dorothy: Back then, gas was only 20 cents a gallon.
Georgie: Mm-hmm. Not that we had anyplace worthwhile to drive to.
Georgie: Did you say Veronica would be back soon?
Dorothy: I'm sure it'll be just any minute. Let me show you my collection of antique bells. [rings a bell in his face]
Georgie: Please stop.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: We're back.
George: How'd it go?
Meemaw: She made the team!
Mary: Congratulations!
Missy: And Meemaw got a date with the coach.
Mary: What?
Meemaw: It was a productive afternoon.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: Fire it in there, baby.
Missy: I'm scared.
Meemaw: Meemaw has just made a scene. Now is not the time to be scared!
Dale: Are we gonna do this today?
Meemaw: Keep your pants on! [to Missy] Throw the damn ball. I'm just a girl, but I think that's called a strike.
Dale: Not bad.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: Can I talk to you?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: You tell my granddaughter she can't play baseball?
Dale: Oh, well, I was just looking out for her, that's all.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Dale: Yes, ma'am, it is.
Meemaw: Well, we don't need you deciding what's best for her.
Dale: Uh-huh. What do you need?
Meemaw: I need you to give her the same chance you would a boy!
Dale: Or what?
Meemaw: Or you and me gonna have problems.
Dale: Well, we wouldn't want that, would we?
Meemaw: No, we wouldn't.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Are you all right?
Missy: Leave me alone.
Sheldon: Was there a written test, and you couldn't remember what I told you?
Missy: No.
Meemaw: You want to be on that baseball team?
Missy: Yes, but the coach said-
Meemaw: I don't care what he said get your glove, let's go.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: Missy.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Do good baseball.
Quote from Meemaw
Mary: You're coming with us, right?
Meemaw: No, I'm not.
Mary: Come on, it'll be fun.
George: The old lady wants to be cranky and alone. You got to respect that.
Meemaw: I'm not cranky. And I'm sick of everybody thinking that they know what's best for me.
Quote from George Jr.
Dorothy: Oh, and this is me and my cousin Glen. No, no, wait. Is that Russell or Glen? No, I'm pretty sure that's Glen.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Quote from Dale
George: At least let her throw a few. She got a hell of an arm.
Dale: George, you're a football coach, right?
George: Mm-hmm.
Dale: You gonna put a girl on your team?
George: It's different. It's a contact sport.
Dale: So is this. She gets up to bat, and someone deliberately throws a ball at her, it's gonna make contact.
George: You're not even gonna give her a chance?
Dale: No.
George: Come on, let's get out of here. I'm sorry, honey.
Missy: It's not your fault.
Dale: Bye-bye.
Quote from Missy
George: Missy, give us a minute.
Missy: No, I want to hear.
Dale: Look, sweetheart, I just think it's great you want to be on the team, but these boys are gonna eat you alive.
Missy: I'm not afraid of them.
Dale: Well, maybe you should be.
Quote from Dale
George: You want to see what she can do?
Dale: I want to see her go home.
George: Sorry?
Dale: Come on, I'm not gonna put a girl on the team.
George: Why not?
Dale: Why not? She's a girl. She's got pigtails.
Quote from Meemaw
Mary: I'm starting to worry about you.
Meemaw: I just had a little too much to drink. So what?
Mary: If you're upset about Dr. Sturgis, that's okay.
Meemaw: I'm not upset. I don't care.
Mary: So you don't care that I saw him last night?
Meemaw: No. I hope he's great.
Mary: Okay.
Meemaw: Is he great?
Mary: He seemed okay.
Meemaw: Tell it to somebody who cares.
Quote from George Sr.
George: [shouting] Missy, five minutes!
Meemaw: Oh. Can you please?
George: Oh. Sorry. Been there. [shouting] She's hungover! Wants us to keep it down!
Quote from George Jr.
Peg: So I shacked up with him anyway.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Peg: I mean, what choice did I have? I was pregnant with I don't know whose baby.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Peg: Sleeping on my cousin Arlene's couch. Which was in her front yard.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Hey, do you want to help me paint these posters?
Sheldon: Not at all. [exits]
Mary: Oh, yeah, people would line up for that dunk tank.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: Relationships are a waste of time. Flying solo is the only way to go.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: Do you think Tarzan was happy with Jane? No way. He was happy swinging through the trees.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: The Statue of Liberty she's got her book and her torch, and she's good.
Georgie: Uh-huh.
Quote from Mary
Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, how's Connie?
Sheldon: Actually...
Mary: Sheldon, why don't you go save me a seat?
Sheldon: Smart. The front row is a hot ticket.
Mary: Anyway, uh, Mom's good.
Dr. John Sturgis: Because she's usually the one who brings Sheldon.
Mary: Well, she's been pretty busy lately.
Quote from Mary
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, hello, Sheldon. Hello, Mary. I don't think I've ever seen you here before.
Mary: It's my first time.
Sheldon: I took her on a tour.
Mary: It was extremely thorough.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: [answering phone] Yeah.
Mary: Hey. We're getting ready to head over to the carnival.
Meemaw: Good for you.
Mary: Why don't you come with us?
Meemaw: Because I'm quite content right where I am.
Mary: Don't you think it'll be nice to get out of the house?
Meemaw: I can't believe I didn't think of that. What a great idea. Thank you.
Mary: So you're coming?
Meemaw: No. [hangs up]
Mary: Still cranky.
Quote from Peg
Peg: I bet you're disappointed that cute little blonde girl got sick and you're working with me.
Georgie: I guess.
Peg:You're gonna learn life's like that. A parade of disappointments.
Georgie: Is that so?
Peg: Yep. Sooner you give up, the better. When did you give up?
Peg: June 14, 1945. The man I loved came home from the war with syphilis. Now ask me how I found out.
Georgie: No, thank you.
Quote from George Sr.
Missy: I've been thinking about how much I enjoyed throwing that ball today.
George: You did great, honey.
Missy: I know. That's why I want to play on a team.
George: You get that dunk tank isn't a sport?
Missy: I mean baseball.
George: Okay, sure. They don't have any baseball teams for girls. Wait a few years, you can play softball.
Missy: I don't want to wait. I want to play baseball.
George: But you'd be the only girl.
Missy: I don't care.
George: Okay, well I-I guess I can look into it.
Missy: Thanks, Daddy.
George: Sure you don't want to play soccer or something?
Missy: Nope!
George: Cheerleading?
Missy: Baseball!
George: Yeah.
Quote from George Sr.
Missy: Dad, can I talk to you?
George: Uh, can it wait a minute?
Missy: It's pretty important.
George: So's this.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: But listen, if you've just come over here to badger me, please don't.
Mary: Fine. I brought you fried chicken from the carnival.
Meemaw: I don't need your pity chicken.
Mary: Look, I know you're having a tough time.
Meemaw: I'm fine.
Mary: Okay. Does that mean you'll still take Sheldon to Dr. Sturgis's class?
Meemaw: No. But I'm fine.
Mary: So you won't mind if I take him?
Meemaw: Do whatever you want.
Mary: See, when you say it like that, it sounds like you might mind.
Meemaw: How about this? Darling daughter, please, do whatever it is that makes you happy.
Mary: If you're gonna act like this, then I'm gonna leave.
Meemaw: Oh, no. And after I didn't open the door for you? Hey, wait. Get me a beer.
Mary: No.
Meemaw: Well, at least get me some chicken!
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Missy: Can I throw one?
George: Sure. Okay, now, remember what I taught you. Look where you're throwing and follow through.
Pastor Jeff: Uh-oh! Dad's bringing in the big guns. Let's see what you've got, little...
Mary: Yes! Yes!
Pastor Jeff: I am baptized once again.