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50Quotes from ‘A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken’

: A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

309. A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

Aired December 5, 2019

When Brenda Sparks doesn't invite Sheldon to Billy's birthday party, Mary accuses her of not being neighborly. Meanwhile, George invites Dr. Sturgis to watch a football game with him.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Congregation: [singing] Heart of my Own heart
Billy Sparks: [singing] Old MacDonald Had a farm
Congregation: Still be my Vision O Ruler of all
Billy Sparks: E-I-E-I-O.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Well, I'm not trying to be mean here either, but you are behaving very unneighborly.
Brenda Sparks: [scoffs] That was mean?
Mary: You're darn tootin'.
Brenda Sparks: Tootin'?
Mary: Tootin'!

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: So if Einstein's analysis of time is correct, the future's already happened, but we'll discuss that in more detail next week.
Sheldon: Or perhaps we already have.
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly. [laughs]
Meemaw: Good one.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You should probably settle on a specific date because when I want to go to RadioShack and my dad says, "Maybe another time," we never end up going.
Meemaw: Thank you so much, Sheldon. I think we got this.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: And then she said she didn't want the other kids to see Billy hanging out with Sheldon.
George Sr.: That boy's only other friend is a chicken and she's worried about Sheldon?
Mary: What do we do? Tell Missy she can't go?
George Sr.: If we're only gonna let Missy go places where they want to have Sheldon, then she ain't gonna get out much.

Quote from Missy

Pastor Jeff: Some of the Romans thought he was a little weird, but if you invite him into your heart, you get to go to the biggest party of all, the one in the sky.
Missy: Ooh, a party in the sky. Fun.
Sheldon: He means heaven.
Missy: Or a blimp.
Sheldon: He means heaven.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: It just don't make no sense. If I'm gonna pay for it with my own money, why can't I get a TV for my bedroom?
George Sr.: You have so much money, why don't you save it for college?
George Jr.: If you're not gonna take this seriously, I don't even know why I'm talking to you.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Your mother won't let me have a TV in my room, so you're not getting one in yours.
George Jr.: Why do you care what Mom says? You're the man of the house, what you say goes.
George Sr.: If you're not gonna take this seriously, I don't know why I'm talking to you.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello!
George Jr.: Sheldon's not home.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I-I'm here to watch a sporting event with your father.
George Jr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. He only called it "the game," so I don't know which one it is.
George Jr.: Well, this is just great. Come on in.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.
George Jr.: Hey, Dad, Dr. Sturgis is here to watch football with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, football. Good, that was the one I read up on.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: What you doing?
Sheldon: Using my tricorder to collect data.
Billy Sparks: What's a tricorder?
Sheldon: It's a multifunctional handheld device used for scanning and analysis.
Billy Sparks: Cool. And what's everything you just said?
Sheldon: Fascinating.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Brenda Sparks: What are you doing out here?
Billy Sparks: Playing with Sheldon.
Brenda Sparks: You're missing your party.
Billy Sparks: But I'm having fun.
Sheldon: Do not be alarmed, our mission is one of peace.
Brenda Sparks: I'm gonna go have a little chat with your mother.
Sheldon: Seems unlikely; my mother's on Vulcan.
Billy Sparks: My mom is on Valium.

Quote from Mary

Missy: "Dear Sheldon and Missy, thank you for coming to my party. I liked playing with Mr. Spock and watching Missy throw up Kool-Aid in the bushes." Still tasted like cherry. "My mother also threw up, but that was because of wine. My dad says she drinks because"-
Mary: Okay, that's nice.
Missy: But there's more.
Mary: No, there's not.
Sheldon: Guess we'll never know why she drinks.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Brenda Sparks: I can't believe you told on me to Pastor Jeff.
Mary: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Billy Sparks: [whispering] Hi, neighbor.
Mary: Hi.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: I thought you didn't like chickens.
Sheldon: Sheldon doesn't like chickens. Mr. Spock finds them fascinating.
Billy Sparks: Who's Mr. Spock?
Sheldon: I'm Mr. Spock.
Billy Sparks: I'm Billy.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Sheldon: Ensign Sparks, there appears to be a white object under this chicken.
Billy Sparks: It's called an egg.
Sheldon: Interesting. What is its function on this planet?
Billy Sparks: People eat them and throw them at me on Halloween.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: All right, Moon Pie. I'll see you after class.
Sheldon: Aren't you going to walk me in?
Meemaw: I think you can manage it.
Sheldon: Is it because you're trying to avoid Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: No.
Sheldon: Is it because you're getting old, and you're trying to limit the number of steps you take?
Meemaw: Get in there.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I suppose I'll see you after class?
Meemaw: I suppose you will.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, didn't she used to walk you to your seat?
Sheldon: She did, but she was younger then.
Dr. John Sturgis: That makes sense.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Mary: Sheldon and Billy are friends. My son should be at his party.
Brenda Sparks: [sigh] Look, I'm not trying to be mean here. Billy has a tough enough time with other kids without them seeing him pal around with the local weirdo.
Mary: I thought you weren't trying to be mean.
Brenda Sparks: That was the nicest way I could say it.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Can you explain why you didn't settle on a specific date for coffee with Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: Maybe another time.
Sheldon: Okay.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Well, I don't think it's right that-
George Jr.: [TV turns on] Sup.
Mary: Excuse me. Can't you see that your father and I are talking?
George Jr.: Yeah, but you can talk anywhere, and this is the only room in the house with a TV.
George Sr.: Get out of here.
George Jr.: Suit yourself. But I'd like to point out, if you'd let me buy a TV for my bedroom, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we?

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I just hate that our little boy gets left out.
George Sr.: Me, too, but he should probably get used to it.
Mary: That's a terrible thing to say.
George Sr.: Oh, come on, Mary, the boy's not exactly a social butterfly. In fact, he's scared of butterflies. Besides, it's their house. If they don't want him, there's nothing you can do about it.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Please be seated. A Pharisee once asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, and do you know what he said? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon, it's a rhetorical question.
Sheldon: Aw.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Brenda Sparks: You win. Hope you're happy.
Mary: This was never about winners and losers.
Brenda Sparks: Two kids means two gifts. And no Play-Doh, he'll just eat it.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: So they don't want Sheldon at the party, and Sheldon doesn't want to be at the party, but you're making him go to the party.
Mary: I'm sure he'll have a good time when he gets there.
George Sr.: And this isn't just because you made a big fuss, and you're gonna be embarrassed if he doesn't go?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: For a good Christian lady, you sure do lie a lot.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering phone] Hello.
George Sr.: Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, George. Uh, you just caught me on my way out to a party with people. A people party.
George Sr.: Sure. Hey, listen, I just wanted to let you know that my schedule opened up, and if you still want to hang out, you could come over on Saturday and watch a game.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know if Saturday works for me. Uh...
George Sr.: Okay, well, you just let me know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wait! Saturday's fine. I'll be there.
George Sr.: [laughs] Okay. Have a good night.
Dr. John Sturgis: Goodbye!

Quote from Mary

Mary: You can't wear that. No one else is gonna be dressed up.
Sheldon: That's fine. I plan on pretending I'm a neutral observer of an alien culture.
Mary: Or you can go and play with the other kids and wear pants from this planet.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hmm. Gallus gallus domesticus, otherwise known as "Earth chicken." Live long and prosper you filthy bird.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: I've got something here for both of you. It's from Billy.
Sheldon: I hope it's not another invitation.
Mary: It's probably a thank you note.
Sheldon: So now I have to write a you're welcome note? You people are killing me.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Before that disembodied voice on AOL started saying, "You've got mail," we relied on my mom.
Mary: Shelly, you've got mail!
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought great joy.
Sheldon: Greetings, Mr. Spock.
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought pain.
Mary: George, you got jury duty!
George Sr.: Tell 'em I died!
Adult Sheldon: And one time, mail caused a war between neighbors rivaling that of the Klingon Empire and the Federation, which trust me was a doozy.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Mary: [on the phone] Hey, Brenda. It's Mary.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey.
Mary: So, we got Missy's invitation to Billy's party.
Brenda Sparks: Great. Hope she can make it.
Mary: But Sheldon's didn't arrive for some reason. Maybe it got lost in the mail?
Brenda Sparks: It didn't get lost.
Mary: What are you saying?
Brenda Sparks: I think you know what I'm saying.
Mary: So Sheldon isn't invited?
Brenda Sparks: See? You knew. Bye. [hangs up]

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, hello, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's nice to see you.
Meemaw: It's nice to see you, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I assumed you stopped bringing Sheldon to class 'cause you were worried it would be awkward running into me after our breakup.
Sheldon: I asked her the same question, but she assured me that wasn't the case.
Dr. John Sturgis: What a relief!

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: It was nice seeing you, Connie. Uh, we should get coffee sometime and catch up.
Meemaw: Maybe, sure, yeah. We'll see.
Dr. John Sturgis: What about, uh, tomorrow morning?
Meemaw: Oh, that's not great for me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, what about Sunday?
Meemaw: Mm, I can't do that either. Maybe another time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I see.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: Pastor Jeff, are you still looking for a topic for this week's sermon?
Pastor Jeff: You mean the one I'm doing in 20 minutes?
Mary: Sorry, silly question.
Pastor Jeff: No. What do you got? I was gonna do Noah's ark, but Sheldon's gonna eat me alive, like those two lions would've done to those two giraffes.
Mary: Well, I've been thinking about the importance of being neighborly.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: He said it was to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. And that's what I want to talk about today, being a good neighbor. How do we love our neighbors? We check in on them, we welcome them into our homes. If we're having a party, we invite them. Even if they're not the most popular.
Brenda Sparks: Are you kidding me?
Mary: Shh.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [answering phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, George. Uh, John Sturgis here.
George Sr.: Oh, hey, how you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, honestly, it's been a bit of a confusing week, and I was hoping we could schedule some male bonding time.
George Sr.: Oh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps go to a bar or, uh, take a brisk walk together.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I'm not really a walker.
George Jr.: Well, that's true.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Well, bar it is. How's, uh, 2:00?
George Sr.: Uh, today's not great for me. Uh, maybe some other time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I understand. Uh, I won't bother you again.
George Sr.: Well, it's not like that, y-you know, I'm just kind of busy right now.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, you made that perfectly clear. Goodbye. [hangs up]

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You just dump somebody?
George Sr.: No. Dr. Sturgis wanted to hang out, and I'm busy.
George Jr.: Yeah, busy breaking hearts.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Hey, Shelly, I got something for you.
Sheldon: What is it?
Mary: An invitation to Billy Sparks's birthday on Saturday. Isn't that nice?
Missy: Sheldon's gonna go?
Sheldon: A child's birthday party? No, thank you.
Missy: Great.

Quote from Missy

Mary: You're going to Billy's party.
Sheldon: But I don't want to.
Missy: And I don't want him to.
Mary: Too bad, he's going.
Missy: Then I don't want to go.
Mary: Everyone's going and everyone's gonna have fun.
Sheldon: This is so unfair.
Missy: It is. You should run away from home.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I just think it's important that every once in a while Sheldon does normal kid things.
George Sr.: You realize he's not a normal kid?
Mary: Of course I do.
George Sr.: Then what are you doing?
Mary: I'm trying to make sure he knows how to be social so he doesn't become some lonely adult no one wants to be around.
George Sr.: Damn it.

Quote from Missy

Missy: What'd I get him?
Mary: Connect Four.
Missy: That was thoughtful of me.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Do I have to wait for Sheldon? Can't I just go now?
Mary: No, we're going together as a family.
Sheldon: Greetings, Mother. I'm ready to beam down to the party.
Mary: You go on ahead.
Missy: Oh, thank you, Jesus.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: I thought you said I was supposed to have fun.
Mary: Go and change. You are not wearing that.
Sheldon: Then I'm not going.
Mary: You're going.
Sheldon: Then I'm wearing this.
Mary: No, you're not.
Sheldon: Yes, I am.
Mary: Well, if you're gonna wear that, you need to participate.
Sheldon: Participate how?
Mary: Party games, cake and singing "Happy Birthday."
Sheldon: No games, one slice of cake, and I will mouth the words while the others sing.
Mary: One game, and you need to interact with the other children.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Fascinating. It seems to be a carbon-based life-form. [to Mary] I'm interacting.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: Hey, John, nice to see ya.
Dr. John Sturgis: You, too. Uh, brought some snacks for the game.
George Sr.: How nice.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hope you like grapes.
George Jr.: Oh, there's nothing my dad loves more than football and grapes.
George Sr.: Why don't you head on in to the den, John? [to Georgie] You, get lost.
George Jr.: So you two can feed each other grapes? Got it.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I've been feeling the loss very profoundly and it's making me wonder if she also is feeling lonely and I made a bad decision for both of us.
George Sr.: I hate to be the one to tell you this, John, but, uh she's kind of been seeing someone new and, uh she seems to be doing okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I see. [stammers] Is she happy?
George Sr.: Hard to tell. Her face is all scrunched up and pinched most of the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope this man she's seeing treats her well.
George Sr.: He seems okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I also hope he gets lost at sea and never returns. I'm having a lot of feelings.
George Sr.: Well, when that happens to me, I have another beer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I haven't finished this one yet.
George Sr.: More for me.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, they scored another touchdown.
George Sr.: That's just a replay, John.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: I saw your bike outside, so I-I thought I'd just, uh, say hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's so nice of you.
Meemaw: I don't mean to interrupt or anything. I just wanted to check in.
Dr. John Sturgis: [to George] Would it be awkward if I asked her to join us?
George Sr.: Oh, couldn't be any more awkward.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to, uh, watch the game with us? It's-it's football.
Meemaw: Well, sure. [chuckles] I guess a little visit wouldn't hurt.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent.
Meemaw: Let me guess, you brought the grapes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I did.

Quote from Mary

Brenda Sparks: Hope you're happy. Billy's missing his own party 'cause he's playing spaceman in the chicken coop with your son.
Mary: You were right. I shouldn't have made you invite him. I'm sorry.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. Well, good.
Mary: It's just hard to see him be left out. And I worry it's not gonna get better when he grows older.
Brenda Sparks: Can't say that Billy is exactly Mr. Popular either.
Mary: I'm sure this kind of stuff bothers me way more than it bothers Sheldon.
Brenda Sparks: Doesn't make it any easier, does it?
Mary: No.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I'm gonna take Shelly back home so that Billy can get back to his party.
Brenda Sparks: Eh. You know, they're having fun out there.
Sheldon: Gallus gallus domesticus pooped on my uniform! The mission is compromised!
Brenda Sparks: Maybe take him home.
Mary: Yeah.

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