Brenda Sparks: What are you doing out here?
Billy Sparks: Playing with Sheldon.
Brenda Sparks: You're missing your party.
Billy Sparks: But I'm having fun.
Sheldon: Do not be alarmed, our mission is one of peace.
Brenda Sparks: I'm gonna go have a little chat with your mother.
Sheldon: Seems unlikely; my mother's on Vulcan.
Billy Sparks: My mom is on Valium.

Congregation: [singing] Heart of my Own heart
Billy Sparks: [singing] Old MacDonald Had a farm
Congregation: Still be my Vision O Ruler of all
Billy Sparks: E-I-E-I-O.

George Sr.: So they don't want Sheldon at the party, and Sheldon doesn't want to be at the party, but you're making him go to the party.
Mary: I'm sure he'll have a good time when he gets there.
George Sr.: And this isn't just because you made a big fuss, and you're gonna be embarrassed if he doesn't go?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: For a good Christian lady, you sure do lie a lot.

Mary: I've got something here for both of you. It's from Billy.
Sheldon: I hope it's not another invitation.
Mary: It's probably a thank you note.
Sheldon: So now I have to write a you're welcome note? You people are killing me.

Billy Sparks: I thought you didn't like chickens.
Sheldon: Sheldon doesn't like chickens. Mr. Spock finds them fascinating.
Billy Sparks: Who's Mr. Spock?
Sheldon: I'm Mr. Spock.
Billy Sparks: I'm Billy.

Billy Sparks: What you doing?
Sheldon: Using my tricorder to collect data.
Billy Sparks: What's a tricorder?
Sheldon: It's a multifunctional handheld device used for scanning and analysis.
Billy Sparks: Cool. And what's everything you just said?
Sheldon: Fascinating.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello!
George Jr.: Sheldon's not home.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I-I'm here to watch a sporting event with your father.
George Jr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. He only called it "the game," so I don't know which one it is.
George Jr.: Well, this is just great. Come on in.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.
George Jr.: Hey, Dad, Dr. Sturgis is here to watch football with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, football. Good, that was the one I read up on.

Dr. John Sturgis: So if Einstein's analysis of time is correct, the future's already happened, but we'll discuss that in more detail next week.
Sheldon: Or perhaps we already have.
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly. [laughs]
Meemaw: Good one.

Sheldon: Ensign Sparks, there appears to be a white object under this chicken.
Billy Sparks: It's called an egg.
Sheldon: Interesting. What is its function on this planet?
Billy Sparks: People eat them and throw them at me on Halloween.

George Sr.: Your mother won't let me have a TV in my room, so you're not getting one in yours.
George Jr.: Why do you care what Mom says? You're the man of the house, what you say goes.
George Sr.: If you're not gonna take this seriously, I don't know why I'm talking to you.

Mary: And then she said she didn't want the other kids to see Billy hanging out with Sheldon.
George Sr.: That boy's only other friend is a chicken and she's worried about Sheldon?
Mary: What do we do? Tell Missy she can't go?
George Sr.: If we're only gonna let Missy go places where they want to have Sheldon, then she ain't gonna get out much.

George Jr.: It just don't make no sense. If I'm gonna pay for it with my own money, why can't I get a TV for my bedroom?
George Sr.: You have so much money, why don't you save it for college?
George Jr.: If you're not gonna take this seriously, I don't even know why I'm talking to you.

Sheldon: Hmm. Gallus gallus domesticus, otherwise known as "Earth chicken." Live long and prosper you filthy bird.

Mary: Pastor Jeff, are you still looking for a topic for this week's sermon?
Pastor Jeff: You mean the one I'm doing in 20 minutes?
Mary: Sorry, silly question.
Pastor Jeff: No. What do you got? I was gonna do Noah's ark, but Sheldon's gonna eat me alive, like those two lions would've done to those two giraffes.
Mary: Well, I've been thinking about the importance of being neighborly.

Brenda Sparks: I can't believe you told on me to Pastor Jeff.
Mary: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Billy Sparks: [whispering] Hi, neighbor.
Mary: Hi.

Sheldon: Can you explain why you didn't settle on a specific date for coffee with Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: Maybe another time.
Sheldon: Okay.

Sheldon: You should probably settle on a specific date because when I want to go to RadioShack and my dad says, "Maybe another time," we never end up going.
Meemaw: Thank you so much, Sheldon. I think we got this.

George Sr.: Hey, John, nice to see ya.
Dr. John Sturgis: You, too. Uh, brought some snacks for the game.
George Sr.: How nice.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hope you like grapes.
George Jr.: Oh, there's nothing my dad loves more than football and grapes.
George Sr.: Why don't you head on in to the den, John? [to Georgie] You, get lost.
George Jr.: So you two can feed each other grapes? Got it.

Pastor Jeff: Please be seated. A Pharisee once asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, and do you know what he said? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon, it's a rhetorical question.
Sheldon: Aw.

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering phone] Hello.
George Sr.: Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, George. Uh, you just caught me on my way out to a party with people. A people party.
George Sr.: Sure. Hey, listen, I just wanted to let you know that my schedule opened up, and if you still want to hang out, you could come over on Saturday and watch a game.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know if Saturday works for me. Uh...
George Sr.: Okay, well, you just let me know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wait! Saturday's fine. I'll be there.
George Sr.: [laughs] Okay. Have a good night.
Dr. John Sturgis: Goodbye!

Mary: I just hate that our little boy gets left out.
George Sr.: Me, too, but he should probably get used to it.
Mary: That's a terrible thing to say.
George Sr.: Oh, come on, Mary, the boy's not exactly a social butterfly. In fact, he's scared of butterflies. Besides, it's their house. If they don't want him, there's nothing you can do about it.

Mary: Well, I don't think it's right that-
George Jr.: [TV turns on] Sup.
Mary: Excuse me. Can't you see that your father and I are talking?
George Jr.: Yeah, but you can talk anywhere, and this is the only room in the house with a TV.
George Sr.: Get out of here.
George Jr.: Suit yourself. But I'd like to point out, if you'd let me buy a TV for my bedroom, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we?

Mary: Sheldon and Billy are friends. My son should be at his party.
Brenda Sparks: [sigh] Look, I'm not trying to be mean here. Billy has a tough enough time with other kids without them seeing him pal around with the local weirdo.
Mary: I thought you weren't trying to be mean.
Brenda Sparks: That was the nicest way I could say it.

Brenda Sparks: You win. Hope you're happy.
Mary: This was never about winners and losers.
Brenda Sparks: Two kids means two gifts. And no Play-Doh, he'll just eat it.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I suppose I'll see you after class?
Meemaw: I suppose you will.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, didn't she used to walk you to your seat?
Sheldon: She did, but she was younger then.
Dr. John Sturgis: That makes sense.

Pastor Jeff: Some of the Romans thought he was a little weird, but if you invite him into your heart, you get to go to the biggest party of all, the one in the sky.
Missy: Ooh, a party in the sky. Fun.
Sheldon: He means heaven.
Missy: Or a blimp.
Sheldon: He means heaven.

Mary: I'm gonna take Shelly back home so that Billy can get back to his party.
Brenda Sparks: Eh. You know, they're having fun out there.
Sheldon: Gallus gallus domesticus pooped on my uniform! The mission is compromised!
Brenda Sparks: Maybe take him home.
Mary: Yeah.

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, they scored another touchdown.
George Sr.: That's just a replay, John.

Sheldon: Fascinating. It seems to be a carbon-based life-form. [to Mary] I'm interacting.

Dr. John Sturgis: I've been feeling the loss very profoundly and it's making me wonder if she also is feeling lonely and I made a bad decision for both of us.
George Sr.: I hate to be the one to tell you this, John, but, uh she's kind of been seeing someone new and, uh she seems to be doing okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I see. [stammers] Is she happy?
George Sr.: Hard to tell. Her face is all scrunched up and pinched most of the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope this man she's seeing treats her well.
George Sr.: He seems okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I also hope he gets lost at sea and never returns. I'm having a lot of feelings.
George Sr.: Well, when that happens to me, I have another beer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I haven't finished this one yet.
George Sr.: More for me.

Missy: "Dear Sheldon and Missy, thank you for coming to my party. I liked playing with Mr. Spock and watching Missy throw up Kool-Aid in the bushes." Still tasted like cherry. "My mother also threw up, but that was because of wine. My dad says she drinks because"-
Mary: Okay, that's nice.
Missy: But there's more.
Mary: No, there's not.
Sheldon: Guess we'll never know why she drinks.

Meemaw: I saw your bike outside, so I-I thought I'd just, uh, say hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's so nice of you.
Meemaw: I don't mean to interrupt or anything. I just wanted to check in.
Dr. John Sturgis: [to George] Would it be awkward if I asked her to join us?
George Sr.: Oh, couldn't be any more awkward.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to, uh, watch the game with us? It's-it's football.
Meemaw: Well, sure. [chuckles] I guess a little visit wouldn't hurt.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent.
Meemaw: Let me guess, you brought the grapes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I did.

Brenda Sparks: Hope you're happy. Billy's missing his own party 'cause he's playing spaceman in the chicken coop with your son.
Mary: You were right. I shouldn't have made you invite him. I'm sorry.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. Well, good.
Mary: It's just hard to see him be left out. And I worry it's not gonna get better when he grows older.
Brenda Sparks: Can't say that Billy is exactly Mr. Popular either.
Mary: I'm sure this kind of stuff bothers me way more than it bothers Sheldon.
Brenda Sparks: Doesn't make it any easier, does it?
Mary: No.

Adult Sheldon: Before that disembodied voice on AOL started saying, "You've got mail," we relied on my mom.
Mary: Shelly, you've got mail!
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought great joy.
Sheldon: Greetings, Mr. Spock.
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought pain.
Mary: George, you got jury duty!
George Sr.: Tell 'em I died!
Adult Sheldon: And one time, mail caused a war between neighbors rivaling that of the Klingon Empire and the Federation, which trust me was a doozy.

Sheldon: I thought you said I was supposed to have fun.
Mary: Go and change. You are not wearing that.
Sheldon: Then I'm not going.
Mary: You're going.
Sheldon: Then I'm wearing this.
Mary: No, you're not.
Sheldon: Yes, I am.
Mary: Well, if you're gonna wear that, you need to participate.
Sheldon: Participate how?
Mary: Party games, cake and singing "Happy Birthday."
Sheldon: No games, one slice of cake, and I will mouth the words while the others sing.
Mary: One game, and you need to interact with the other children.

Mary: You can't wear that. No one else is gonna be dressed up.
Sheldon: That's fine. I plan on pretending I'm a neutral observer of an alien culture.
Mary: Or you can go and play with the other kids and wear pants from this planet.

Mary: I just think it's important that every once in a while Sheldon does normal kid things.
George Sr.: You realize he's not a normal kid?
Mary: Of course I do.
George Sr.: Then what are you doing?
Mary: I'm trying to make sure he knows how to be social so he doesn't become some lonely adult no one wants to be around.
George Sr.: Damn it.

George Jr.: You just dump somebody?
George Sr.: No. Dr. Sturgis wanted to hang out, and I'm busy.
George Jr.: Yeah, busy breaking hearts.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Well, bar it is. How's, uh, 2:00?
George Sr.: Uh, today's not great for me. Uh, maybe some other time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I understand. Uh, I won't bother you again.
George Sr.: Well, it's not like that, y-you know, I'm just kind of busy right now.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, you made that perfectly clear. Goodbye. [hangs up]

George Sr.: [answering phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, George. Uh, John Sturgis here.
George Sr.: Oh, hey, how you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, honestly, it's been a bit of a confusing week, and I was hoping we could schedule some male bonding time.
George Sr.: Oh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps go to a bar or, uh, take a brisk walk together.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I'm not really a walker.
George Jr.: Well, that's true.

Pastor Jeff: He said it was to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. And that's what I want to talk about today, being a good neighbor. How do we love our neighbors? We check in on them, we welcome them into our homes. If we're having a party, we invite them. Even if they're not the most popular.
Brenda Sparks: Are you kidding me?
Mary: Shh.

Dr. John Sturgis: It was nice seeing you, Connie. Uh, we should get coffee sometime and catch up.
Meemaw: Maybe, sure, yeah. We'll see.
Dr. John Sturgis: What about, uh, tomorrow morning?
Meemaw: Oh, that's not great for me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, what about Sunday?
Meemaw: Mm, I can't do that either. Maybe another time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I see.

Mary: Well, I'm not trying to be mean here either, but you are behaving very unneighborly.
Brenda Sparks: [scoffs] That was mean?
Mary: You're darn tootin'.
Brenda Sparks: Tootin'?
Mary: Tootin'!

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, hello, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's nice to see you.
Meemaw: It's nice to see you, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I assumed you stopped bringing Sheldon to class 'cause you were worried it would be awkward running into me after our breakup.
Sheldon: I asked her the same question, but she assured me that wasn't the case.
Dr. John Sturgis: What a relief!

Missy: Do I have to wait for Sheldon? Can't I just go now?
Mary: No, we're going together as a family.
Sheldon: Greetings, Mother. I'm ready to beam down to the party.
Mary: You go on ahead.
Missy: Oh, thank you, Jesus.

Missy: What'd I get him?
Mary: Connect Four.
Missy: That was thoughtful of me.

Mary: You're going to Billy's party.
Sheldon: But I don't want to.
Missy: And I don't want him to.
Mary: Too bad, he's going.
Missy: Then I don't want to go.
Mary: Everyone's going and everyone's gonna have fun.
Sheldon: This is so unfair.
Missy: It is. You should run away from home.

Mary: Hey, Shelly, I got something for you.
Sheldon: What is it?
Mary: An invitation to Billy Sparks's birthday on Saturday. Isn't that nice?
Missy: Sheldon's gonna go?
Sheldon: A child's birthday party? No, thank you.
Missy: Great.

Meemaw: All right, Moon Pie. I'll see you after class.
Sheldon: Aren't you going to walk me in?
Meemaw: I think you can manage it.
Sheldon: Is it because you're trying to avoid Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: No.
Sheldon: Is it because you're getting old, and you're trying to limit the number of steps you take?
Meemaw: Get in there.

Mary: [on the phone] Hey, Brenda. It's Mary.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey.
Mary: So, we got Missy's invitation to Billy's party.
Brenda Sparks: Great. Hope she can make it.
Mary: But Sheldon's didn't arrive for some reason. Maybe it got lost in the mail?
Brenda Sparks: It didn't get lost.
Mary: What are you saying?
Brenda Sparks: I think you know what I'm saying.
Mary: So Sheldon isn't invited?
Brenda Sparks: See? You knew. Bye. [hangs up]