Meemaw: Look, you haven't even gotten to the worst part of it yet. They're gonna leave home. They're gonna move to another city.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
Meemaw: They're gonna tell you their loser boyfriend has knocked them up. Just to be clear, that would be you.
Mary: Sorry.
Meemaw: Turned my hair gray overnight.
Mary: I said sorry. Clearly, you're not in the mood to help.
Meemaw: Listen, it's hard being a parent, but if you do it right, they don't need you anymore.
Mary: Well, I don't like that. I get it, but I just don't like it.
Meemaw: Well, I'd point out, you'll always have your husband, but you want me to be "helpful".

Sheldon: Left-handed knocking. Wild. [knocks three times] Georgie?
George Jr.: [o.s.] What? [Sheldon enters Georgie's bed room]
Sheldon: You're left-handed. Now that I've joined your ranks, I was wondering if you could tell me what to expect.
George Jr.: I don't know. To me, it's just normal.
Sheldon: But the vast majority of people are right-handed. There must be some challenges.
George Jr.: It's hard to cut stuff with scissors.
Sheldon: Mom handles most of my cutting needs.
George Jr.: Uh, when you shake hands, it's the wrong hand.
Sheldon: I don't shake hands. It's disgusting.
George Jr.: Oh! When driving, the gear shifter's on the right side.
Sheldon: And I'm not old enough to drive. Being a lefty doesn't seem so bad. I don't know why you complain so much.

Meemaw: What are you looking for?
Sheldon: Chest hairs. Is there any chance I'll hit puberty in the next few weeks?
Meemaw: Oh, God, I hope not. Why?
Sheldon: The campus is so big, I'll never make it from one class to another without a solid dose of testosterone.
Mary: Maybe they'll let you leave early so you'll have time.
Sheldon: But the end of the class is when I point out the teacher's mistakes. Everybody loves that.
Mary: I'd say run across campus, but I know how you feel about sweating.
Sheldon: It's the urine of the skin.

George Jr.: What do you want?
Sheldon: I was hoping you could help me build up my leg muscles to increase my speed.
George Jr.: If you don't want people chasing you, be less annoying.

George Jr.: "Have a great summer. Georgie". Normally I'd write, "Have a bitchin' summer", but I figured you wouldn't like that.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Sheldon: Well, that's what I heard. And if Hawking doesn't let it stop him, then I can't let this cast stop me.
Missy: Great. Go back to sleep.
Sheldon: I will, and I'll do it all by myself. [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty
Missy: Oh, my God.
Sheldon: Little ball of fur Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr Purr, purr.

Mary: [to Sheldon] Don't worry, baby. I cut everything into bite-size pieces for you.
George Jr.: Maybe you could chew it up and spit it in his mouth.

Adult Sheldon: I've always enjoyed math word problems. Try wrapping your noggin around this one. A brilliant young boy named Sheldon is about to start college. He needs to get from his linear algebra class to his physics class, which is 822 meters away. If his stride is 23 inches long and he only has 10 minutes, how many steps would he have to take per minute to make it on time? It's a doozy, isn't it? Don't worry. I'll show my work. First, we must determine the maximum velocity achievable without breaking a sweat. Sweating is for jocks and those who are worried the jig is up.

Adult Sheldon: With no access to controlled substances, I was left with only one option.
Sheldon: Missy, will you teach me to ride a bike tomorrow?
Missy: Why not Mom?
Sheldon: Working.
Missy: Meemaw?
Sheldon: Old.
Missy: Dad?
Sheldon: Fat.
Missy: Okay. [Sheldon exits] I'm such a good person.

Adult Sheldon: My sister's crankiness did not dampen my enthusiasm. A chicken may have fractured my arm, but nothing could break my can-do spirit.
Sheldon: All in the bowl, none on me. I call that a successful urination.
George Sr.: Great. Go teach your brother.

Sheldon: I did it. Missy, I did it!
Missy: [groans] What?
Sheldon: I slept through the night.
Missy: What time is it?
Sheldon: 6:14.
Missy: This is why people hate you.
Adult Sheldon: My sister's crankiness did not dampen my enthusiasm. A chicken may have fractured my arm, but nothing could break my can-do spirit.

Adult Sheldon: I took a moment to reflect on my journey of the last two weeks. Such emotional growth was worthy of a majestic bubble beard. Perhaps my sister was right. This was a time I'd want to remember.
Sheldon: Dad, will you sign my cast?
George Sr.: Sure.
Sheldon: And if you have any grammar questions, please ask first.

Sheldon: Johannes Diderik van der Waals. Nils Gustaf Dalén. Heike Kamerlingh Onnes.
Missy: What are you going?
Sheldon: Listing Nobel Prize winners in physics.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: To keep me from cracking this cast like a coconut and scratching my skin off.

Mary: Did you have a tough time when your kids started being independent?
Meemaw: I'll let you know.
Mary: What does that mean?
Meemaw: Means one of 'em is still sitting in my kitchen whining about something.
Mary: Could you be supportive for once?
Meemaw: Yes, watching your kids grow up is hard.
Mary: So how do you handle it?
Meemaw: I find a little bourbon in my coffee does the trick.

Sheldon: My first bathroom attempt. Let's hope this goes well.
Mary: Let me know if you need help.
Sheldon: I think I'll be okay. It's just number one.
Mary: I'm here if you need me.
[After Sheldon closes the bathroom door:]
Sheldon: [o.s.] Mom, I can't get my zipper down!
Mary: I'm coming.
Adult Sheldon: I am not saying my mother and I had a codependent relationship.
Sheldon: [o.s.] Mom, I can't get my zipper up!
Mary: I'm on my way!
Adult Sheldon: But she did have a tendency to baby me, and boy howdy, was I okay with that.

Sheldon: I've never operated a fork with my left hand before. I hope this goes well.
George Jr.: When my buddy Mikey got the cast off his leg, you would not believe how skinny and smelly it was. Like beef jerky with toes.

Adult Sheldon: My meemaw wrote...
Meemaw: "To my brave Moon Pie. You handled this like a true Texan".
Adult Sheldon: My mom wrote...
Mary: [v.o.] "Shelly, you'll always be my baby, but I'm so proud of the young man you've become. Love, Mom".
Adult Sheldon: And Billy wrote...
Billy Sparks: "Billy".

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I got my cast off. In a world where I valued symmetry,
I was relieved to see that both my arms were as pale and skinny as ever. But this Texan had unfinished business to tend to.
Missy: Want me to get you started?
Sheldon: No, I can do it.
Adult Sheldon: And I did do it. I rode my bike without training wheels like an adult. It would take more than a chicken or the threat of a fractured bone to scare me. It would take a brown beast named Scraps. [dog barks]
Sheldon: Aah! Mommy?!
Adult Sheldon: I rode my bike 11 miles that day.
Sheldon: Mommy!

Brenda Sparks: I just wanted to check in and see how Sheldon's doing.
George Sr.: He'll be fine. It's just a little fracture.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Poor kid. Please know we feel terrible.
George Sr.: Eh, accidents happen.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, speaking of accidents, which this clearly was, insurance covers everything, right?
George Sr.: If you're worried about me sending you a bill, don't be.
Brenda Sparks: Wasn't worried. I just wanted to bring you some food as a peace offering and promise it will never happen again.
George Sr.: Well, thanks. [lifts up the foil] Ooh, fried chicken.
[After George gets a concerned look on his face, he looks over at Brenda and points to the plate of fried chicken]
Brenda Sparks: Never again.

Missy: "I hope your arm gets better soon. XO, Missy". See? Nothing mean.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Adult Sheldon: My sister could have a big heart. If only that were true of her brain.
Sheldon: That's the wrong "your".
Missy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: It's supposed to be Y-O-U-R. What you wrote means, "I hope you are arm gets better".
Missy: Oh.
Sheldon: You defaced my body with a grammatical error.
Missy: I guess that's your problem. Y-O-U-R.

Sheldon: Dad, you're a football coach. Do you use human growth hormone to enhance the performance of your players?
George Sr.: We lost our last game sixty-three to nine. What do you think?
Sheldon: I think you should look into human growth hormone. And if you do, send some this kid's way.

Missy: Dad, Sheldon got hurt.
George Sr.: How?
Missy: A chicken chased him into a mailbox.
George Sr.: Course it did.

Mary: Shelly, you okay?
Sheldon: I fractured my ulna.
George Sr.: He's fine. I told you you didn't need to come down here.
Mary: My baby is in the emergency room.
George Sr.: Yeah, with his father.
Mary: Who let him get hurt.
George Sr.: Me? I wasn't even there. If anything, it was Missy's fault.
Sheldon: And Belinda Sparks.
Mary: Who?
George Sr.: A chicken.
Mary: What does a chicken have to do with this?

Dr. Patel: Okay. Looks like you fractured your ulna.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Dr. Patel: Two weeks in a cast, you'll be good as new.
Sheldon: A cast? Don't those get sweaty?
Dr. Patel: Mm-hmm. They can.
Sheldon: And itchy?
Dr. Patel: A little.
Sheldon: Can it get wet?
Dr. Patel: Not supposed to.
Sheldon: Then how am I supposed to take a shower?
Dr. Patel: Well, some people wrap it in a garbage bag.
Sheldon: That's where garbage goes. Did you get a discount doctor because we're poor?

Sheldon: This is bad.
George Sr.: You're gonna be just fine.
Sheldon: This is the arm I write with. This is the arm I eat with. This is the arm I do the Vulcan salute with. Ow.
George Sr.: It's not too swollen. That's a good sign.
Sheldon: You're not a doctor.
George Sr.: But I see this on the football field all the time.
Sheldon: Football players are meant to be hurt. I'm meant to be cherished.

Missy: That's so cool. Can I sign it?
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: 'Cause that's what kids do.
Sheldon: Why would I care what kids do?
Missy: So when it's over, you can have a cool reminder?
Sheldon: I don't want a reminder. This is traumatic. I might need counseling.
Missy: Come on, don't be lame. Let me sign it.
Sheldon: You're just gonna write something mean.
Missy: You don't commit a crime and sign your own name. Learned that one the hard way.

Billy Sparks: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Not now, Billy. I'm in the middle of a math problem.
Billy Sparks: Okay. [chicken clucks]
Sheldon: [checks stop watch] Darn it.

Mary: Why not ride your bike?
Sheldon: I considered that, but I can't let my colleagues see me with training wheels. They'll think I'm a child.
Meemaw: Can't have that.
Sheldon: Mm-mm. See any fuzz growing?
Meemaw: Let me look. [tickles Sheldon]
Sheldon: Hey. [laughs] No, Meemaw! Bad Meemaw.

Pastor Jeff: Who would like to tell us how God touched their lives this week? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: He didn't, because He doesn't exist.
Pastor Jeff: Then why raise your hand?
Sheldon: Not just any hand. My left hand. Because I'm able to overcome any obstacle.
Pastor Jeff: And maybe God helped you do that.
Sheldon: Actually, it was Stephen Hawking, and he's better because he exists.
Pastor Jeff: Yes, 'cause God made him. Anybody else? [Billy raises his hand] Billy.
Billy Sparks: Is this gonna be on the test?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, boy.

Sheldon: I will not be denied my jelly. [lid pops] Yes! Watch out, peanut butter. You're next.

George Sr.: You okay?
Sheldon: My arm really hurts. I want Mom.
George Sr.: You got me. Now, let me take a look.
Sheldon: Don't touch it.
George Sr.: I'm not gonna hurt you.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but you are too big to be delicate.
Billy Sparks: I'm delicate.

George Sr.: I'm gonna take him to the emergency room. Come on. You gonna be okay?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Billy Sparks: Have fun!

Sheldon: I need Mom to sing "Soft Kitty".
Missy: Don't do it.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: You're being a baby again.
Sheldon: But I'm injured.
Missy: Big deal. You broke your arm. Look at Stephen Hawking over there. He's in a wheelchair. You don't hear him whining about it with his robot voice.
Sheldon: So you're saying he and I are brilliant minds who have both suffered great physical adversity.
Missy: That's not even close to what I'm saying.

Mary: Don't worry, baby. You're gonna be just fine.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
George Sr.: That's what I been saying the whole time.
Sheldon: But she cherishes me.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: Ugh. He was muttering in his sleep that I am his training wheels. What on earth does that mean?
George Sr.: Well, let's think about it. Training wheels are for little kids. Maybe he doesn't want to be a little kid anymore.
Mary: What does that have to do with me?
George Sr.: [laughs] You have made it your life's mission to hold him up.
Mary: What are you saying here? That I am wrong to love and protect my son? That he doesn't need his mother to keep an eye on him?
George Sr.: I'm not saying that. I... I would never say that.
Mary: All right then. [exits]
George Sr.: [to himself] I'm not an idiot.

Sheldon: Washcloth?
Mary: Washcloth.
Sheldon: Soap?
Mary: Soap.
Sheldon: Shampoo?
Mary: Shampoo.
Sheldon: Baby shampoo?
Mary: Does E equal MC squared?
Sheldon: Love you.

Mary: Can we please just eat?
George Jr.: Chicken's good.
George Sr.: Mrs. Sparks made it.
Missy: Huh?