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49Quotes from ‘Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple’

Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple

119. Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple

Aired April 19, 2018

When Sheldon no longer feels he is being academically challenged at Medford High, he audits a college class taught by Dr. John Sturgis. Seeing the brilliant Dr. Sturgis in action gives Sheldon an idea to improve the academic make-up of his family.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: I've been corresponding with Dr. John Sturgis at East Texas Tech. He said I could audit his course.
Meemaw: You're pen pals with a stranger? Is this okay?
Sheldon: He's not a stranger. He's a famous scientist. He carbon-dated the oldest human feces.
Meemaw: That ain't strange.

Quote from George Jr.

Meemaw: So, how was everybody's day?
Sheldon: I'm done with high school.
George Sr.: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Well, I don't learn anything there, and I don't want to go anymore.
Mary: Well, where do you think you're gonna go?
George Jr.: Who cares? Let him go.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Now, Shelly, I appreciate that you want to expand your horizons, but how would you even get there? The school's an hour away. I'm working, your dad's working.
George Jr.: Again, who cares? Let him go.
Missy: He could hitchhike.
George Jr.: Perfect.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You better make a whole lot of money and take care of me when I'm old.
Sheldon: I'm not interested in money. I'm interested in the pursuit of knowledge.
Meemaw: That is the wrong thing to say to someone who is spending her Friday night as your chauffeur.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Did you know the word chauffeur is French for "stoker," because the first automobiles were steam-powered, and the driver had to stoke the engine?
Meemaw: Right there. Why am I driving you to college when you already know everything?

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Okay, this is you. Good luck.
Sheldon: Aren't you going to walk me in and get me situated?
Meemaw: Oh, yes, of course. Right this way, my prince.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Do you think we're stupid?
George Jr.: Sheldon's in college right now, and we can't figure out your homework. What do you think?
Missy: Sometimes I tell myself I only look stupid because he's so smart.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: It's just mashed up avocados. I think you'd like it. And they do it right here at the table.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did they run out of room in the kitchen?
Meemaw: No, it's-it's like, you know, a show.
Dr. John Sturgis: Like Benihana.
Meemaw: Exactly.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't like Benihana.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Don't feel bad, I enjoy a little gambling now and then.
Meemaw: Do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: I sat in your front seat, didn't I? Good, I made you laugh. Full disclosure, I wasn't trying to be funny. Still not trying.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Whenever I wasn't being challenged intellectually, my brain was more than happy to step up and accommodate. It was like having the perfect playmate in my skull.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Ingram: Sheldon? Sheldon? Were you paying attention to anything I said?
Sheldon: Yes.
Ms. Ingram: Then what'd I say?
Sheldon: When factoring a trinomial where the leading coefficient isn't one, it must be written in descending order from highest power to lowest power.

Quote from Sheldon

NASA Director: Thanks, kid. You really saved my bottom.
Sheldon: Tell your bottom it's welcome.

Quote from Mary

Mary: And bless our appetites, both physical and spiritual, to honor You in all we do. In Jesus' name.
George Jr.: What happened to "Bless the hands that prepared it"?
Mary: I thought I'd mix it up.
George Jr.: I miss the old one.
Missy: Me, too.
George Sr.: Yeah, what I like about the other one-
Mary: And bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: It's only one day a week, and I was hoping Meemaw could take me.
Meemaw: I'm gonna start eating dinner at my house.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I didn't know everything, but compared to her friends at water aerobics, I could see how it felt that way.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Why are they all looking at us?
Meemaw: I think they're looking at you.
Sheldon: Oh. [waving to the class] Hello.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Okay, you all situated?
Sheldon: I believe so, yes.
Meemaw: I'll be right outside.
Sheldon: Are you sure you don't want to stay and learn about quantum chromodynamics?
Meemaw: And spoil the fun of you telling me all about it on the ride home? No way.
Sheldon: Smart.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: Can you help me?
George Jr.: With what?
Missy: I don't understand my homework.
George Jr.: You're asking me? I don't understand my own homework.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: What kind of homework is it?
Missy: Grammar.
George Jr.: I ain't great with grammar.
Missy: Well, grammar's just talking, and we both talk good.

Quote from Missy

Missy: There's a list of sentences, and you're supposed to say if each one's a complete sentence or not.
George Jr.: The first one is, "Most people in the country" That doesn't sound like a sentence.
Missy: But ask me who drives pickup trucks.
George Jr.: Who drives pickup trucks?
Missy: Most people in the country.
George Jr.: Well, now it does sound like one.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Oh, you must be my grandson's pen pal.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry?
Meemaw: Sheldon Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: The nine-year-old with the flawless penmanship. I look forward to meeting him.
Meemaw: Well, he's right in there. You can't miss him. He's about yea big.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. An-An-And will you be joining us?
Meemaw: Will you be discussing quantum chromodynamics?
Dr. John Sturgis: I certainly hope so.
Meemaw: Then I don't think so.
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you sure? Every day is a chance to learn something new.
Meemaw: Can I ask questions?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, how else can you learn?
Meemaw: Well, let's do it, then.

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: My name's John.
Meemaw: And I'm Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: My middle name's Whitney.
Meemaw: And now I know that.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: So, Sheldon, what did you think of your first theoretical physics class?
Sheldon: I think I'm gonna do this for the rest of my life.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good choice.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I would like to see you again. Perhaps we could have dinner sometime.
Sheldon: Yes, we would love that.
Meemaw: We would?
Sheldon: We wouldn't?
Dr. John Sturgis: You wouldn't?
Meemaw: We would.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent.
Sheldon: Excellent. So, where are we eating?

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: Okay, this says "a complete sentence always contains a verb."
Missy: Which one's a verb?
George Jr.: "A verb is a word that describes an action." I play checkers. You eat spaghetti.
Missy: We suck at homework. The action is sucking.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: So, the first one on your homework is, "Most people in the country."
Missy: I don't see an action word.
George Jr.: Neither do I.
Missy: Georgie, I don't think this is a sentence.
George Jr.: I think you're right.
Missy: Now I just have to fix it.
George Jr.: Put a verb in there, girl.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself.
Sheldon: I don't think so. They're in love. They were looking into each other's eyes like there was something in there other than corneas and irises.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Well, if that's the case, that'd be wonderful.
Sheldon: It'd be more than wonderful. If they get married, we immediately double the number of smart people in our family. That means we go from one to two.
Mary: I got that.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: So, did you understand any of it?
Mary: Not a word. But he had on a tweed jacket with the elbow patches, so he must know what he's talking about.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Boy, Sheldon's fired up.
Meemaw: Oh, he loved it. He sat there for an hour and a half just as happy as a pig in poop.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: He mentioned you were pretty happy about the whole experience, too.
Meemaw: Well, I guess Mr. Wizard did take a bit of a shine to me.
Mary: What's that mean?
Meemaw: It means he asked me out to dinner. No big deal.
Mary: So, you going?
Meemaw: When have you known me to turn down a free meal?
George Sr.: Ain't that the truth.
Meemaw: Says the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Mary: Ain't that the truth.
George Sr.: I do have feelings, y'all.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Don't put on too much of that. We want him to like you for your mind.
Meemaw: I think I know what I'm doing when it comes to men.
Sheldon: If that's true, then why do you live alone?
Meemaw: Because my husband died. Any other questions?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, Dr. Sturgis.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Come in. Meemaw's upstairs getting ready for your date.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful. Oh, my, this is a lovely house.
Sheldon: Isn't it? Can you see yourself living here? I can.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Here are some things you might find helpful about Meemaw. Her favorite color is purple, her favorite ice cream: mint chip, and her favorite food is Mexican.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. Good to know.
Sheldon: She loves gambling, bowling, and especially me. You can't talk enough about me.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Tell me more about you.
Sheldon: My favorite color is blue.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mine, too.
Sheldon: My favorite ice cream: vanilla.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good man.
Sheldon: My favorite food: spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've never had that.
Sheldon: What's your favorite food?
Dr. John Sturgis: Grilled cheese.
Sheldon: What about the risk of mouth burn?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a perfect excuse for vanilla ice cream.
Sheldon: If you want to propose tonight, you have my blessing.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: I should probably get 'em into some water.
Sheldon: I can do that. You two begin your courtship.
Meemaw: Moonpie.
Sheldon: Yes?
Meemaw: Go home.
Sheldon: So you can begin the courtship, got it.
Meemaw: Go!

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I just need to borrow your phone to call a cab.
Meemaw: Why?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't drive.
Meemaw: Well, how did you get here?
Dr. John Sturgis: I rode my bicycle.
Meemaw: You rode your bicycle?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have a Schwinn Speedster. It's got three gears. I only use one.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: I tell you what, how about we take my car?
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. So, would you be opposed to me sitting in the back seat? It's statistically the safest part of the car.
Meemaw: Actually, I would.
Dr. John Sturgis: Asked and answered.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Did you cry when you saw it?
George Jr.: No.
Missy: Why not?
George Jr.: 'Cause it ain't that big a deal.
Missy: Okay. Did you hang it on your wall?
George Jr.: Get out of here!
Missy: I'm telling people you cried.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: Do you like guacamole?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Being from Maine, we didn't have much Mexican food. Or Mexican people.
Or people.

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: You like it, and I want this date to be appealing to you, so let's order it.
Meemaw: Okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I might enjoy it. I might not. But, uh, I'm willing to take that gamble. Which, uh, I'm given to understand you also like.
Meemaw: Oh, that little rat just told you everything, didn't he?

Quote from Mary

Mary: They're not gonna be back for a while. Go to bed.
Sheldon: I won't be able to sleep.
Mary: I'm not telling you to go to sleep, I'm telling you to go to bed.
Sheldon: You don't think they'll have relations tonight, do you?
Mary: Now I'm telling you to go to sleep.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: So, John, you ever been married?
Dr. John Sturgis: No.
Meemaw: Hmm. Ever been in love?
Dr. John Sturgis: Seven times.
Meemaw: Seven times? How come you never settled down?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, my feelings were not reciprocated.
Meemaw: Well, that's so sad.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not for them. They all seemed pleased with the outcome. Especially number four. She said she dodged a bullet.
Meemaw: That is a very brave thing to say on a first date.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why?
Meemaw: If there's a second date, I'll tell you.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Now, how do chimichangas work?
Meemaw: I have no idea.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I think we should try and find out.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: How'd it go?
Meemaw: Oh! What the hell?
Sheldon: I wanted to know how your date went, and I got bored watching you sleep.
Meemaw: How long have you been there?
Sheldon: 67 minutes.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Now, tell me everything.
Meemaw: Go away. Let me sleep.
Sheldon: Okay. But before I go, should I be worried he's not in your bed?
Meemaw: Get out!
Sheldon: I certainly hope you were nicer to him.

Quote from Mary

Mary: So, are you gonna see him again?
Meemaw: I don't know. He showed up at my house on a bike.
George Sr.: Like a Harley?
Meemaw: Like a Schwinn.
Mary: You mean a bike bike?
Meemaw: With a jingle bell on the handlebar and everything.
Mary: Well, that's kind of charming.
Meemaw: He doesn't know how to drive a car. Doesn't want to know.
Mary: Okay, a little less charming.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: There's something about him. I mean, he's smart as hell, and gentle and funny. Not always on purpose, but he's funny. I never met anybody like him.
George Sr.: Sounds like Sheldon.
Meemaw: Now, why would you go and put that thought in my mind?

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Mr. Cooper?!
Sheldon: Huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you paying attention?
Sheldon: I already know this.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know this?
Sheldon: But they don't, so by all means, continue.

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