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49Quotes from ‘Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple’

  • Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple

    119. Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple

    Aired April 19, 2018

    When Sheldon no longer feels he is being academically challenged at Medford High, he audits a college class taught by Dr. John Sturgis. Seeing the brilliant Dr. Sturgis in action gives Sheldon an idea to improve the academic make-up of his family.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: I've been corresponding with Dr. John Sturgis at East Texas Tech. He said I could audit his course.
Meemaw: You're pen pals with a stranger? Is this okay?
Sheldon: He's not a stranger. He's a famous scientist. He carbon-dated the oldest human feces.
Meemaw: That ain't strange.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Did you know the word chauffeur is French for "stoker," because the first automobiles were steam-powered, and the driver had to stoke the engine?
Meemaw: Right there. Why am I driving you to college when you already know everything?

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: It's just mashed up avocados. I think you'd like it. And they do it right here at the table.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did they run out of room in the kitchen?
Meemaw: No, it's-it's like, you know, a show.
Dr. John Sturgis: Like Benihana.
Meemaw: Exactly.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't like Benihana.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Do you think we're stupid?
George Jr.: Sheldon's in college right now, and we can't figure out your homework. What do you think?
Missy: Sometimes I tell myself I only look stupid because he's so smart.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Don't feel bad, I enjoy a little gambling now and then.
Meemaw: Do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: I sat in your front seat, didn't I? Good, I made you laugh. Full disclosure, I wasn't trying to be funny. Still not trying.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Okay, this is you. Good luck.
Sheldon: Aren't you going to walk me in and get me situated?
Meemaw: Oh, yes, of course. Right this way, my prince.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Now, Shelly, I appreciate that you want to expand your horizons, but how would you even get there? The school's an hour away. I'm working, your dad's working.
George Jr.: Again, who cares? Let him go.
Missy: He could hitchhike.
George Jr.: Perfect.

Quote from George Jr.

Meemaw: So, how was everybody's day?
Sheldon: I'm done with high school.
George Sr.: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Well, I don't learn anything there, and I don't want to go anymore.
Mary: Well, where do you think you're gonna go?
George Jr.: Who cares? Let him go.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You better make a whole lot of money and take care of me when I'm old.
Sheldon: I'm not interested in money. I'm interested in the pursuit of knowledge.
Meemaw: That is the wrong thing to say to someone who is spending her Friday night as your chauffeur.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Tell me more about you.
Sheldon: My favorite color is blue.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mine, too.
Sheldon: My favorite ice cream: vanilla.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good man.
Sheldon: My favorite food: spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've never had that.
Sheldon: What's your favorite food?
Dr. John Sturgis: Grilled cheese.
Sheldon: What about the risk of mouth burn?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a perfect excuse for vanilla ice cream.
Sheldon: If you want to propose tonight, you have my blessing.

Quote from Mary

Mary: They're not gonna be back for a while. Go to bed.
Sheldon: I won't be able to sleep.
Mary: I'm not telling you to go to sleep, I'm telling you to go to bed.
Sheldon: You don't think they'll have relations tonight, do you?
Mary: Now I'm telling you to go to sleep.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: I should probably get 'em into some water.
Sheldon: I can do that. You two begin your courtship.
Meemaw: Moonpie.
Sheldon: Yes?
Meemaw: Go home.
Sheldon: So you can begin the courtship, got it.
Meemaw: Go!

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I just need to borrow your phone to call a cab.
Meemaw: Why?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't drive.
Meemaw: Well, how did you get here?
Dr. John Sturgis: I rode my bicycle.
Meemaw: You rode your bicycle?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have a Schwinn Speedster. It's got three gears. I only use one.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: I tell you what, how about we take my car?
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. So, would you be opposed to me sitting in the back seat? It's statistically the safest part of the car.
Meemaw: Actually, I would.
Dr. John Sturgis: Asked and answered.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Did you cry when you saw it?
George Jr.: No.
Missy: Why not?
George Jr.: 'Cause it ain't that big a deal.
Missy: Okay. Did you hang it on your wall?
George Jr.: Get out of here!
Missy: I'm telling people you cried.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Here are some things you might find helpful about Meemaw. Her favorite color is purple, her favorite ice cream: mint chip, and her favorite food is Mexican.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. Good to know.
Sheldon: She loves gambling, bowling, and especially me. You can't talk enough about me.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: Do you like guacamole?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Being from Maine, we didn't have much Mexican food. Or Mexican people.
Or people.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, Dr. Sturgis.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Come in. Meemaw's upstairs getting ready for your date.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful. Oh, my, this is a lovely house.
Sheldon: Isn't it? Can you see yourself living here? I can.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Don't put on too much of that. We want him to like you for your mind.
Meemaw: I think I know what I'm doing when it comes to men.
Sheldon: If that's true, then why do you live alone?
Meemaw: Because my husband died. Any other questions?

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: You like it, and I want this date to be appealing to you, so let's order it.
Meemaw: Okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I might enjoy it. I might not. But, uh, I'm willing to take that gamble. Which, uh, I'm given to understand you also like.
Meemaw: Oh, that little rat just told you everything, didn't he?

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself.
Sheldon: I don't think so. They're in love. They were looking into each other's eyes like there was something in there other than corneas and irises.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: So, John, you ever been married?
Dr. John Sturgis: No.
Meemaw: Hmm. Ever been in love?
Dr. John Sturgis: Seven times.
Meemaw: Seven times? How come you never settled down?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, my feelings were not reciprocated.
Meemaw: Well, that's so sad.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not for them. They all seemed pleased with the outcome. Especially number four. She said she dodged a bullet.
Meemaw: That is a very brave thing to say on a first date.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why?
Meemaw: If there's a second date, I'll tell you.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Now, how do chimichangas work?
Meemaw: I have no idea.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I think we should try and find out.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: How'd it go?
Meemaw: Oh! What the hell?
Sheldon: I wanted to know how your date went, and I got bored watching you sleep.
Meemaw: How long have you been there?
Sheldon: 67 minutes.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Now, tell me everything.
Meemaw: Go away. Let me sleep.
Sheldon: Okay. But before I go, should I be worried he's not in your bed?
Meemaw: Get out!
Sheldon: I certainly hope you were nicer to him.

Quote from Mary

Mary: So, are you gonna see him again?
Meemaw: I don't know. He showed up at my house on a bike.
George Sr.: Like a Harley?
Meemaw: Like a Schwinn.
Mary: You mean a bike bike?
Meemaw: With a jingle bell on the handlebar and everything.
Mary: Well, that's kind of charming.
Meemaw: He doesn't know how to drive a car. Doesn't want to know.
Mary: Okay, a little less charming.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: There's something about him. I mean, he's smart as hell, and gentle and funny. Not always on purpose, but he's funny. I never met anybody like him.
George Sr.: Sounds like Sheldon.
Meemaw: Now, why would you go and put that thought in my mind?

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Mr. Cooper?!
Sheldon: Huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you paying attention?
Sheldon: I already know this.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know this?
Sheldon: But they don't, so by all means, continue.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Oh, you must be my grandson's pen pal.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry?
Meemaw: Sheldon Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: The nine-year-old with the flawless penmanship. I look forward to meeting him.
Meemaw: Well, he's right in there. You can't miss him. He's about yea big.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. An-An-And will you be joining us?
Meemaw: Will you be discussing quantum chromodynamics?
Dr. John Sturgis: I certainly hope so.
Meemaw: Then I don't think so.
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you sure? Every day is a chance to learn something new.
Meemaw: Can I ask questions?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, how else can you learn?
Meemaw: Well, let's do it, then.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Ingram: Sheldon? Sheldon? Were you paying attention to anything I said?
Sheldon: Yes.
Ms. Ingram: Then what'd I say?
Sheldon: When factoring a trinomial where the leading coefficient isn't one, it must be written in descending order from highest power to lowest power.

Quote from Sheldon

NASA Director: Thanks, kid. You really saved my bottom.
Sheldon: Tell your bottom it's welcome.

Quote from Mary

Mary: And bless our appetites, both physical and spiritual, to honor You in all we do. In Jesus' name.
George Jr.: What happened to "Bless the hands that prepared it"?
Mary: I thought I'd mix it up.
George Jr.: I miss the old one.
Missy: Me, too.
George Sr.: Yeah, what I like about the other one-
Mary: And bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: It's only one day a week, and I was hoping Meemaw could take me.
Meemaw: I'm gonna start eating dinner at my house.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I didn't know everything, but compared to her friends at water aerobics, I could see how it felt that way.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Why are they all looking at us?
Meemaw: I think they're looking at you.
Sheldon: Oh. [waving to the class] Hello.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Okay, you all situated?
Sheldon: I believe so, yes.
Meemaw: I'll be right outside.
Sheldon: Are you sure you don't want to stay and learn about quantum chromodynamics?
Meemaw: And spoil the fun of you telling me all about it on the ride home? No way.
Sheldon: Smart.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: Can you help me?
George Jr.: With what?
Missy: I don't understand my homework.
George Jr.: You're asking me? I don't understand my own homework.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: What kind of homework is it?
Missy: Grammar.
George Jr.: I ain't great with grammar.
Missy: Well, grammar's just talking, and we both talk good.

Quote from Missy

Missy: There's a list of sentences, and you're supposed to say if each one's a complete sentence or not.
George Jr.: The first one is, "Most people in the country" That doesn't sound like a sentence.
Missy: But ask me who drives pickup trucks.
George Jr.: Who drives pickup trucks?
Missy: Most people in the country.
George Jr.: Well, now it does sound like one.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: He mentioned you were pretty happy about the whole experience, too.
Meemaw: Well, I guess Mr. Wizard did take a bit of a shine to me.
Mary: What's that mean?
Meemaw: It means he asked me out to dinner. No big deal.
Mary: So, you going?
Meemaw: When have you known me to turn down a free meal?
George Sr.: Ain't that the truth.
Meemaw: Says the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Mary: Ain't that the truth.
George Sr.: I do have feelings, y'all.

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: My name's John.
Meemaw: And I'm Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: My middle name's Whitney.
Meemaw: And now I know that.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: So, Sheldon, what did you think of your first theoretical physics class?
Sheldon: I think I'm gonna do this for the rest of my life.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good choice.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I would like to see you again. Perhaps we could have dinner sometime.
Sheldon: Yes, we would love that.
Meemaw: We would?
Sheldon: We wouldn't?
Dr. John Sturgis: You wouldn't?
Meemaw: We would.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent.
Sheldon: Excellent. So, where are we eating?

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: Okay, this says "a complete sentence always contains a verb."
Missy: Which one's a verb?
George Jr.: "A verb is a word that describes an action." I play checkers. You eat spaghetti.
Missy: We suck at homework. The action is sucking.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: So, the first one on your homework is, "Most people in the country."
Missy: I don't see an action word.
George Jr.: Neither do I.
Missy: Georgie, I don't think this is a sentence.
George Jr.: I think you're right.
Missy: Now I just have to fix it.
George Jr.: Put a verb in there, girl.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Whenever I wasn't being challenged intellectually, my brain was more than happy to step up and accommodate. It was like having the perfect playmate in my skull.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Well, if that's the case, that'd be wonderful.
Sheldon: It'd be more than wonderful. If they get married, we immediately double the number of smart people in our family. That means we go from one to two.
Mary: I got that.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: So, did you understand any of it?
Mary: Not a word. But he had on a tweed jacket with the elbow patches, so he must know what he's talking about.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Boy, Sheldon's fired up.
Meemaw: Oh, he loved it. He sat there for an hour and a half just as happy as a pig in poop.

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