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62Quotes from ‘Poker, Faith, and Eggs’

Poker, Faith, and Eggs

103. Poker, Faith, and Eggs

Aired November 9, 2017

When George Sr. falls ill and Mary has to take him to the emergency room, Meemaw comes to babysit but has trouble calming the kids' nerves about the health of their father.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Because the first day had just begun.
Sheldon: So, before the Big Bang?
Pastor Jeff: There was no Big Bang. There was only the Word.
Sheldon: Was the word "kaboom"?

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Do people know about this?
Meemaw: Sheldon, what's on a person's face is not always what's in their heart.
Sheldon: Well, this changes everything. How do you know who to trust?
Meemaw: You don't. That's what makes life interesting.

Quote from Meemaw

Missy: [running through the kitchen] I ate so much candy!
Meemaw: [gets up to leave] Okay. They're all yours.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: But I wasn't a good sport. At that moment, I vowed to come back the following Sunday and destroy Pastor Jeff.

Quote from Missy

Mary: You want me to cook those eggs for you, baby?
Missy: No. They're a gift.

Quote from Missy

Missy: He even wrote me a note. "Eggs from your secret admirer. Billy."

Quote from Meemaw

Missy: Is Daddy gonna be okay?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. Your Pop-Pop used to have little chest pains all the time.
Sheldon: Didn't he die of a heart attack?
Meemaw: Well, for insurance purposes, yes.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: What kind of Texan drinks pink wine?

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: [to Sheldon] Shh.
Sheldon: [to Missy] Shh.
Missy: Who do I shush?
George Jr.: Shh!
Sheldon: Shh!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ugh. I'm coming with you.
George Jr.: Why are you wearin' my helmet?
Sheldon: I don't expect this to end well.
George Jr.: And the pillows?
Sheldon: Same answer.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: [after hitting more trash cans] Dang it!
Missy: Are you aiming for them?

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Yes, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You said he didn't create the sun until day four.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
Sheldon: So how could there be light the first three days?
Pastor Jeff: God is light.
Sheldon: So God's a photon?
Pastor Jeff: God's what made photons possible.
Sheldon: And what day did he do that?
Pastor Jeff: I would think day one.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My father took pride in saying that he ran our house like a tight ship. The ship got a lot looser when my meemaw came over to babysit.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Hang on there a minute, moon pie. I want to teach you somethin'. Look at your cards, and then look in the mirror.
Sheldon: Hey, I'm smiling.
Meemaw: Uh-huh. And what does that tell me about your cards?
Sheldon: That I like them?
Meemaw: Attaboy. Now look at my face. Tell me what you see.
Sheldon: That you're old.
Meemaw: It's a good thing I love you.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: What? But you weren't happy.
Meemaw: I made you think I was unhappy.
Sheldon: But that's lying. You lied to your moon pie.
Meemaw: I bluffed my moon pie.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Meemaw liked to teach me things that kept me awake at night.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Mom, we're home!
Meemaw: In here!
Mary: What's he doing up?
Meemaw: Losin'.
George Sr.: [firecracker pops] The hell is that?
Meemaw: I sent Georgie on a beer run, and tipped him with firecrackers.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Was I supposed to stiff him?

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, put your hand down. [To Pastor Jeff] Sorry. Please continue.
Pastor Jeff: It's okay, Mary. It's Sheldon, right?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Pastor Jeff: Well, Sheldon, why don't you come on up here and tell me how I'm wrong.
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Okay.

Quote from Meemaw

Pastor Jeff: Let's give him a hand, everybody.
Missy: What's happening?
Meemaw: Shelly's gonna eat him alive. [chuckles]

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: So you were saying?
Sheldon: You've confused possibilities with probabilities. According to your analogy, when I go home I might find a million dollars on my bed or I might not. In what universe is that 50-50?

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: So what do you think the odds are that God exists?
Sheldon: I think they're zero. I believe in science.
Pastor Jeff: So you don't think science and religion can go hand in hand?
Sheldon: Science is facts, religion is faith. I prefer facts.
Pastor Jeff: I understand that. Here's a cool fact for ya. A lot of famous scientists believed in God. Isaac Newton. Albert Einstein. Even Charles Darwin.
Sheldon: So Darwin's right about God and wrong about evolution?
Pastor Jeff: Now you're gettin' it. Let's give it up for Sheldon, everybody. What a good sport.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Listen to this. "French philosopher, mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal, argued a rational person should believe God exists because you have everything to gain if you're right, and nothing to lose if you're wrong."
Missy: Sounds right.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Don't worry! Meemaw's here! Everything's under control! Oh.
Sheldon: We haven't had dinner yet.
Meemaw: Really? (groans) I don't feel like cookin'.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I think my husband's having a heart attack!
Nurse Robinson: I need an RRT and a crash cart.
Mary: Over here.
Nurse Robinson: Sir, are you having chest pains right now?
George Sr.: Yeah, a little bit.
Nurse Robinson: Any numbness or pain in your arms?
George Sr.: Maybe this one.
Nurse Robinson: Shortness of breath?
Mary: Enough questions. He's a fat, middle-aged man with chest pains. Do something!

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Sorry about the "fat", honey.
George Sr.: You said you liked me this way.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: What did you mean by "insurance purposes"?
Meemaw: Just eat.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Y'all two go get ready for bed.
George Jr.: I don't want to stay around here. I want to go to the hospital and see Dad.
Meemaw: Well, I want to go to Las Vegas and see Willie Nelson, but that ain't gonna happen either.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: This is stupid.
Meemaw: You know what's stupid? I got to drink pink wine!

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
George Jr.: I'm driving to the hospital. You can come with me or stay here up to you.
Missy: I'm comin'.
George Jr.: Sheldon?
Sheldon: You're 14. You don't know how to drive. I drove a tractor at 4-H camp. It's the same thing.
Sheldon: But you sat on the farmer's lap.
George Jr.: Then stay here.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I've often been asked why I never learned to drive a car. This night is your answer.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: Please slow down.
George Jr.: I'm goin' eight miles an hour. A cow just passed us.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: [reading Sheldon's note explaining George Jr. took her car and was driving them to the hospital] Son of a bitch. I hate those kids!

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: Why don't we ask somebody for directions?
George Jr.: Because we're children in a car, genius.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: We're going to jail.
Missy: Georgie's going to jail. I'm saying I was kidnapped.
Sheldon: That's a good plan. You and I were kidnapped.
George Jr.: If I'm going to jail, we're all going to jail.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, you better pull over.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God.
Sheldon: Well, don't just sit there follow it.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: It's an ambulance It's going to the hospital.

Quote from Missy

Meemaw: Georgie. Give me my damn keys.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah. Here.
Meemaw: Thank you. How did I beat you here?
Missy: We kept hitting garbage cans.
Meemaw: Oh God.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I need to wash my hands. There are germs here that can kill you.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Despite what it looks like, I didn't pray to God that night. I prayed to Blaise Pascal. My thinking was, if he was right about the existence of God, then he could pass along my request for my dad to get better. If he was wrong - well in this moment, I needed him to be right.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: What's taking so long?
Meemaw: Shh. Keep your voice down, car thief.
George Jr.: I didn't steal your car, I just borrowed it.
Meemaw: You're gonna need to make bail someday. Do not come to me.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: For a brief moment, I was filled with the healing power of faith. Then the next day, we all got violently ill from Billy Sparks' eggs, and I was over it.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I'm gonna look at my cards again.
Sheldon: You're unhappy.
Meemaw: Which means?
Sheldon: You don't have good cards.
Meemaw: Mm-hmm. So I'm gonna see your nickel and raise you a quarter.
Sheldon: Quarter?
Meemaw: You can fold.
Sheldon: No. I have good cards, you have bad cards. I'm in. [revealing his cards] Nines and fives.
Meemaw: Mm. That's too bad. Three queens. You lose!

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Sometimes people say to me, "Pastor Jeff, how do you know there's a God?" And I say, "It's simple math. God either exists or he doesn't. So let's be cynical. Worst-case scenario, there's a 50-50 chance. And I like those odds.
Sheldon: That's wrong.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Uh, hello, Mr. Cooper. Is Missy home?
George Sr.: Hello, Billy. No, she's at church.
Billy Sparks: I brought her eggs from my chickens.
George Sr.: I see that.
Billy Sparks: You can boil them or scramble them.
George Sr.: Okay.
Billy Sparks: I like fried.
George Sr.: Okay.
Billy Sparks: I don't like poached.
George Sr.: Okay. Thank you for your time. [hands over the eggs]
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Quote from Missy

Missy: How long are we supposed to sit here?
Sheldon: I don't know. She said don't move. She was very clear.
Missy: Hope I don't have to go to the bathroom.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Hey. What's goin' on?
Missy: Dad's in the hospital.
George Jr.: What? Why's Dad in the hospital?
Meemaw: He's gonna be fine.
Sheldon: He had chest pains.
Meemaw: He's gonna be fine.
George Jr.: What are we doin'? Why aren't we going to the hospital?
Meemaw: Nobody's goin' nowhere. We're just gonna stay calm, have a nice dinner, and wait for your mama to call and tell us what's what.
George Jr.: I'm not hungry.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Hi, Mom. Kids okay?
Meemaw: Yeah, they're fine. How's George?
Mary: I don't know. They're running tests.
Meemaw: Well, don't you worry about us. Everything's under control here.
Mary: Okay. I'll call you when I know more.
Meemaw: How you holdin' up?
Mary: I guess I'm okay.
Meemaw: Well, George is gonna pull through this, honey. I guarantee it.
Mary: Thanks, Mom. Thanks for bein' there.
Meemaw: You bet.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: What'd she say?
Meemaw: The doctors are doin' some tests, but, dollars to donuts, your daddy's just got a bad case of gas.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Meemaw?
Meemaw: What?
Sheldon: Is Dad really okay?
Meemaw: Yes.
Sheldon: I hope you're not bluffing.

Quote from Missy

Missy: You asleep?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: Me neither. Every time the phone rings, I get scared.
Sheldon: Me, too.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Okay, seat belts, everybody.
Sheldon: Please drive slowly.
George Jr.: Relax. I know what I'm doin'.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: Do you know how to get to the hospital?
George Jr.: Yeah. It's right across the street from the Dairy Queen.
Sheldon: Which Dairy Queen?
George Jr.: What are you talkin' about?
Sheldon: There's two.
George Jr.: Really?

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Yeah?
Mary: What took you so long to answer?
Meemaw: Powdering my nose. What's it to ya?
Mary: Sorry I asked.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: How are the kids?
Meemaw: Oh. (chuckles)They were a little worried, but I handled it.
Mary: They sleepin'?
Meemaw: Um Yeah, yeah. You bet.
Mary: Thanks again for helpin'.
Meemaw: Oh, hey, these are my grandchildren. They are my blood.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Just admit it, we're lost.
George Jr.: We're not lost.
Missy: Well, I sure don't see a hospital anywhere.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: How about I put the radio on real low?
George Jr.: Shut up.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Mary.
Mary: Mom!
Meemaw: Where are they?
Mary: Where's who?
Meemaw: (calming tone) More importantly - how is George?

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Mom!
Meemaw: Ah. There they are!
Mary: Hey. Oh.
Meemaw: Ha! I lost the little rascals in the hall.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Why are they here?
Meemaw: I think it's obvious. They love their daddy.
Mary: No, I get that. Why aren't they home in bed?
Meemaw: Well, nobody could sleep. I thought it was the right thing.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Good bluff.
Meemaw: Shh.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Hold up. Now, y'all like it when your meemaw babysits. Poker, candy, firecrackers.
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, if your mother ever finds out what you did tonight, that is never gonna happen again.
Sheldon: I can't lie to my mother.
Meemaw: Sure you can. Believe in yourself!

Quote from Meemaw

Pastor Jeff: I thought I'd talk this morning about how it all began. Now, everybody knows how, on the first day of creation, God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And when God saw that light, he knew it was good.
*Sheldon raises his hand*
Meemaw: Oh, here we go.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: If I grab my chest and keel over, maybe we can get out of here.
Mary: That's a terrible thing to say.

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