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35Quotes from ‘A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles’

  • A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles

    411. A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles

    Aired March 11, 2021

    Dr. Linkletter (Ed Begley, Jr.) has had enough of Sheldon hanging around all the time and urges him to make some friends on campus. Meemaw goes on a trip with Dale's ex-wife, June (Reba McEntire). Meanwhile, Georgie gets a pager.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Sheldon: I don't get why people think that the social aspect of education is so important.
Missy: Maybe 'cause the education aspect is so boring.
Sheldon: But that's the whole point of school.
Missy: Eh. I'll stick with being popular.
Adult Sheldon: I'd like to point out that one of us has a Nobel Prize. All the other one has is a loving family and friends, which I also have. Boy, did I win!

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Missy, has your social experience in middle school been going well?
Missy: So good, it's nuts.
Sheldon: Are you a member of any clubs?
Missy: Well, in the cafeteria, we call our table Heather M. and the Funky Lunch Bunch.
Sheldon: Well, I meant school-sanctioned clubs.
Missy: The F.L.B. is a pretty big deal.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Willard: The Moho lies between the mantle and the crust, and...
Sheldon: Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Willard: He's not here.
Sheldon: Sorry for wasting your time. Oh, this is geology. You're already wasting your time.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I thought you were gonna join a club.
Sheldon: Too bad there isn't a Dr. Linkletter Haters Club. I would join that in a heartbeat. Maybe I should start one.
Mary: Starting your own club is an interesting idea. Maybe just not one based on, you know, hating someone.
Sheldon: You started that group at church for parents who hate The Simpsons.
Mary: It's not about hate. We just write letters to get it taken off the air. [chuckles] And it's gonna happen any day now.
Adult Sheldon: Ironically, the only Simpson she did like was O.J. Time's funny that way.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm hurt Dr. Linkletter doesn't want me as a friend.
Mary: Understandable.
Sheldon: I'm also angry. I don't like having two feelings at once. It's annoying. Great, annoyed. That's three.

Quote from Sheldon

[title: Sci-Fi Club:]
Sheldon: So, what kind of activities does the Science Fiction Club engage in?
Greg: Well, this Friday we're having a screening of Star Wars on laser disc.
Sheldon: I thought this was the Science Fiction Club.
Greg: It is.
Sheldon: Star Wars is science fantasy. The Force is basically magic. At that point, you might as well be watching The Hobbit.
Greg: That's next week.
Sheldon: This is madness.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Wil Wheaton's cute.
Sheldon: If you like him, then you should watch Star Trek with me.
Missy: He's not that cute.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'll trade you my apple slices for your pudding cup.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Aren't you a little old for a pudding cup?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, surely there's somebody else you could have lunch with.
Sheldon: There is, but the lunch rush is a busy time for janitors.
Dr. Linkletter: Perhaps you could work on widening your social circles here.
Sheldon: I'm already at two. That's double where I was at high school.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I set out to start my own club. It involved science, education and all the glitz and glamour of show business. All I had to do was sit back and wait for my new Proton posse to come rolling in.
Sheldon: Greetings, fellow Professor Proton fan.
Guy: Oh, I thought this room was empty.
Sheldon: Well, it's not. This is a meeting of the Professor Proton Appreciation Club. Would you like to fill out an application?
Guy: I'm just looking for someplace quiet.
Sheldon: I understand. Well, it doesn't look like anyone's gonna show up, so if you would like to read here, you're welcome to.
Guy: Okay. [sits down]
Sheldon: I was only starting this club because my mother wanted me to make some friends. Not just her. It started with my physics professor, Dr. Linkletter, who I thought was my friend but then decided...
Guy: Are you gonna keep talking?
Sheldon: I-I've got a book.
Adult Sheldon: That day, the Read in Silence Club was born. Its members were me and my new friend...
Sheldon: What's your name?
Guy: Shh.
Adult Sheldon: And my new friend, that guy.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: So, what else has Dale told you about our relationship?
June: You still hung up on that?
Meemaw: Apparently.
June: You know, I don't think he meant to. We were having a drink, and it just kind of slipped out.
Meemaw: Y'all still go out drinking together?
June: It was our grandson's elementary school graduation, so yeah.
Meemaw: I didn't know y'all were that close.
June: Are you jealous?
Meemaw: No.
June: Sounds like it.
Meemaw: Well... You ever sleep with him after the divorce?
June: Gross! No. That cranky bag of wrinkles is all yours.
Meemaw: That's a comfort. [laughs] I guess.

Quote from Meemaw

June: Whoever decided to put video poker in the bar is a genius.
Meemaw: If they change the seats out to toilets, we'd never have to leave. [both laugh]

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, why are you at my desk?
Sheldon: I like your keyboard. The ones at the library are too clacky.
Dr. Linkletter: I thought you were going to join a club.
Sheldon: I tried, but they each had their own problems.
Dr. Linkletter: By chance, were any of those problems you?
Sheldon: You're so funny. I missed this.

Quote from Meemaw

June: So, why are you taking me instead of Dale?
Meemaw: Well, last time he and I went casino hopping, it didn't work out too hot.
June: 'Cause he proposed and you said no?
Meemaw: Why would he tell you that?!
June: Hey, don't feel bad. I'm the dummy that said yes to him.
Meemaw: Well, I guess you got a point there.

Quote from Sheldon

[title: Debate Club:]
Sheldon: Proposition: the newest member of the Debate Club should be Sheldon Cooper. You're the affirmative. Go.
Ashley: Who's Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Me. And I believe I should not join the debate team because there are far more valuable uses of my time.
Ashley: Do you want to join or not?
Sheldon: That's the debate, isn't it?
Ashley: I don't know what's happening.
Sheldon: If you're thrown for a loop, wait until you hear my rebuttal. Sheldon Cooper should not join the debate team because your leadership is clearly questionable.
Ashley: Okay, you're not in the club.
Sheldon: Ha! I win. Wait.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: For some reason, Dr. Linkletter felt it was important that I start my quest to join a club immediately. The interview process was tougher than you'd expect.
[title: Chess Club:]
Sheldon: So why exactly should I join your club?
Chris: Well, cool people, good chess players, and when the weather's nice, we meet in the quad.
Sheldon: Outside?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Under trees?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Where birds live?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: I think we're done here.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Shelly, I was looking at your college catalog. There are a lot of fun clubs. Might be a nice way to make some new friends.
Sheldon: I don't need friends. I have Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: And he's fun, but... did you know that there's a Science Fiction Club? You like science fiction.
Sheldon: I prefer science fact.
Mary: Then maybe you might enjoy the Astronomy Club. Outer space and such.
Missy: Ooh. You can meet other people from your planet.
Mary: Read your magazine.
Sheldon: Why are you so interested in me joining a club?
Mary: I just want to make sure that you get the full college experience.
Sheldon: I suppose my so-called peers could benefit from my presence.
Mary: And you might benefit, too.
Sheldon: A nice thought, but I don't spread my sunshine for selfish reasons. Give me the catalog.
Missy: You tried, and that's what counts.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Hey, you got any plans this weekend?
June: I don't think so. Why?
Meemaw: I happen to have a coupon for a free room at the Royale Casino.
June: Now you're talking! How'd you swing that?
Meemaw: Well, you lose enough, they give you all kinds of crap.
June: I'm in.
Meemaw: And if you really feel like gambling, they got an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.
June: Put enough drinks in me, I'll eat anything. [Meemaw laughs]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, lunch friend.
Dr. Linkletter: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Egg salad. Stinky.
Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I have some bad news. I'm going to join a club on campus, which means we won't be able to have lunch together.
Dr. Linkletter: Wonderful! For you. Sad for me. Mmm. Happy trails.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we're still having lunch today. You get to help me decide which club I should join.
Dr. Linkletter: Terrific.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: That was Dr. Linkletter. He says that Sheldon is spending too much time with him.
George Sr.: Better him than us, right?
Mary: [sighs] He's suggesting that Sheldon try and find some friends on campus.
George Sr.: Makes sense.
Mary: I'm just worried that he's gonna be hanging out with people who are drinking and going to parties.
George Sr.: Like he's gonna make friends with the cool kids.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: After a few short weeks as a full-time college student, I am proud to say the transition had gone quite nicely. My classes were going well, I knew my way around campus and I had an active and vibrant social life.
Sheldon: There you are.
Dr. Linkletter: Why are you here?
Sheldon: Lunch. Don't worry, I didn't start without you.
Dr. Linkletter: How did you get in?
Sheldon: Janitor Jim.
Dr. Linkletter: And why would Janitor Jim do that?
Sheldon: You're not my only friend around here.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Hey.
George Sr.: Hey. How was school?
George Jr.: Fine. Work?
George Sr.: Fine.
George Jr.: And Mom says we never talk.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What is that on your belt there?
George Jr.: It's my new beeper.
George Sr.: Why in the world would you need a beeper?
George Jr.: So people can get in touch with me.
George Sr.: Trust me, when you're not around, no one's thinking, "I must speak with Georgie this minute."
George Jr.: Hey, lots of people have these.
George Sr.: Yeah, doctors and drug dealers, and you're not smart enough to be either.
George Jr.: [pager beeping, vibrating] Excuse me, I'm being beeped. [dials phone] Hey, I was paged from this number. No, I'm not Bruce. Sorry. [hangs up]
George Sr.: Mm, sounds like you got a real emergency there, Bruce.

Quote from Dale

June: [on answer machine] Hey, Connie, it's June. You know, I don't feel good about what happened the other night, and I just want to say I'm sorry. Could you give me a call back? Thanks. Bye. [machine beeps]
Meemaw: That's nice.
Dale: I don't know why you get an apology. I'm the one she was trying to piss off.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Looks like she's still doing it.
Dale: All the years we were married, I never once got an apology.
Meemaw: Well, you're not exactly the apologizing kind yourself, you know.
Dale: Well, that's not true. For years after we broke up, I was telling people I was sorry I married her.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: [on the phone] What'd I say?
Dale: You don't remember?
[flashback:]
Meemaw: And then I lost $20 at the video poker bar, and then we sang karaoke.
June: Tell him about the shrimp.
Meemaw: [chuckles)]We went to the all-you-can-eat buffet, you know, and they had these jumbo shrimp. [June laughs] And, I mean, they weren't just saying they were jumbo.
June: So big!
[present:]
Meemaw: Are you gonna tell me what I said or not?
Dale: Hell no. I'm having too much fun.
Meemaw: I hate you.
Dale: [chuckles] I can live with that.

Quote from Dale

June: Make it stop.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Oh. [answers phone] Who the hell is this?
Dale: Hey. Morning, sunshine.
Meemaw: What time is it?
Dale: 2:00 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, I mean, you had a wild night singing and everything.
Meemaw: How do you know that?
Dale: You called me at 3:00 in the morning.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: This is it. I'm done.
Ashley: [opens door] Oh, hi. You must be Georgie.
George Jr.: Uh, yeah.
Ashley: My nana says you've been taking such good care of her. [chuckles] You're so sweet.
George Jr.: Thanks, but she's the sweet one.
Ashley: Isn't she? [chuckles] Nana, Georgie's here!
Mildred: [o.s.] Ask him if he wants to stay for dinner.
George Jr.: I'm free. What're we having?

Quote from Meemaw

June: Well, now that we're being honest, can I ask you a question?
Meemaw: Sure.
June: Do you regret saying no to Dale?
Meemaw: No.
June: There was a little pause there.
Meemaw: There was not!
June: Okay, I believe you.
Meemaw: Thank you.
June: You see how I paused? That means I was lying.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Dr. Linkletter?
Man: No.
Sheldon: Sorry. You and he have the same loafers. Carry on.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: I've been looking for you.
Dr. Linkletter: I was just trying to have a little privacy.
Sheldon: Smart. No one will bother us out here. [climbs into car] What is that? Ham?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: [dials phone] Hello. You paged me?
Mildred: Bruce?
George Jr.: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
Mildred: Oh. I was trying to reach my grandson.
George Jr.: Well, when you do, can you have him tell people this ain't his pager no more?
Mildred: I was hoping he could give me a ride to the drugstore. I need to pick up my prescription.
George Jr.: All right, well, good luck.
Mildred: I took my last heart pill this morning.
George Jr.: Sorry to hear that.
Mildred: I suppose I could walk, if I take it slow.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Would you like your seat back?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. I'd also like my office back.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Dr. Linkletter: Son, you can't just hang out here whenever you want.
Sheldon: Why not? We're friends.
Dr. Linkletter: No. I'm a professor, you're a student. I'm 68, you're 11. Do you see where I'm headed here?
Sheldon: Nope.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I've tried to be nice about this, but you're just not taking the hint. If you have questions about class, I'm here. Otherwise, please leave me alone.
Sheldon: Uh, I understand.
Dr. Linkletter: Thank you.

Quote from George Jr.

Mildred: You are just the little lifesaver.
George Jr.: No problem, ma'am.
Mildred: You know, we are gonna drive right by that farmers market. You ever had their peaches?
George Jr.: Don't think so.
Mildred: Well, then we have to stop. I'm gonna buy you a peach.
George Jr.: You really don't have to.
Mildred: I insist. And then we'll swing by Braum's so I can pick up some whipped cream. That goes great with peaches.
George Jr.: Okay.

Quote from Meemaw

["Crazy" by Patsy Cline playing on radio]
June: Turn it up. I love that song. [singing along] ♪ Crazy ♪ ♪ I'm crazy for feeling ♪ ♪ So lonely ♪
Meemaw: You know, they got karaoke at the lounge.
June: ♪ I'm crazy ♪ [off-key] ♪ Crazy for feeling ♪ ♪ So blue ♪
Meemaw: Wow. That's some voice you got.
June: Thank you.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: Aren't you gonna call them back?
George Jr.: No. It's this old lady. She keeps getting me to run her errands and do her chores.
Missy: You don't even do that here.
George Jr.: I know. [pager beeping, vibrating]
Missy: She's not your grandma. Just call her back and say no.
George Jr.: You're right. [picks up phone]
[cut to Georgie and Mildred in his car with a bunch of plants in the back-seat:]
Mildred: Thanks again.
George Jr.: Uh-huh. What're you gonna do with all these plants?
Mildred: Put them in my garden.
George Jr.: Sounds like a lot of work. [Mildred smiles at Georgie] Aw, man.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You still dating that young guy?
June: Justin? Oh, yeah. It wasn't just to bug Dale. He's hot. And he doesn't eat dinner at 5:00.
Meemaw: Dale and I once ate dinner at 3:30. I still think it was lunch. [June laughs]

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