57Quotes from ‘A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run’
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107. A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
December 7, 2017When Meemaw refuses to share her brisket recipe with George Sr., the family feud causes the kids to worry about their parents' marriage.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: And I wasn't eavesdropping.
George: Don't worry about it.
Georgie: I just don't see why I got grounded.
George: What are you complaining about? You didn't want to go to church picnic anyway.
Georgie: I like complaining. I'm good at it.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: The average American consumes 55 pounds of beef per year. And then there's Texas, where we can knock that off in a couple of months. Maybe faster, if we're talking about smoked brisket curiously, the one cut of beef that Texans and Jews agree upon.
Quote from George Sr.
George: I don't want this woman in my house anymore.
Mary: She is my mother.
George: She is the devil.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: Finally, the cooking began. 14 hours of cooking. And basting. And spritzing. And tending to the fire.
George: Oh Rest, my darling. Rest.
Quote from George Sr.
Butcher: Can I help you?
George: Matter of fact, you can. I need 12 pounds of prime Angus with a medium deckle, ideally slaughtered in the spring, no later than mid-June.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: Don't let the hug fool you. The minute she went home, he made me give him the recipe.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: For the spice rub, Meemaw had him drive to New Orleans to buy ground coffee from Cafe Du Monde, and seven ounces of something called "holy ghost root" from a voodoo woman named Madam Laveau.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: I know Meemaw's brisket recipe.
George: What?
Meemaw: No, you don't.
Sheldon: Yes, I do. And in order to bring peace to this family, I'm prepared to make it public.
Meemaw: You're bluffing.
Sheldon: One tablespoon of cumin, one cup of brown sugar, two tablespoons of smoked paprika-
Meemaw: Okay, okay, stop.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: Ooh.
George: Found it?
Georgie: No, this is her French toast.
George: You're not looking for French toast.
Georgie: She does make it good, though.
Quote from George Sr.
George: I'll be right back.
Georgie: Mind if I have a sip of your beer?
George: You mind if I dip your head in the compost heap?
Georgie: You could have just said no.
Quote from Sheldon
Meemaw: I tell you what. You go get a piece of paper and a pencil, I'll write it down for you.
George: Okay. It's happening!
Mary: That's the fastest I've seen him run.
Sheldon: It's the only time I've seen him run.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: Then back home, he applied the spice rub with such erotic tenderness, it made my mother a little jealous.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: Did you know she puts vanilla extract in her whipped cream?
George: I did not.
Georgie: Quarter teaspoon.
George: Georgie?
Georgie: Yeah?
George: We're looking for brisket!
Georgie: Cranky.
Quote from Meemaw
Mary: You know this all goes away if you just give him your recipe for the brisket.
Meemaw: I know.
Mary: And?
Meemaw: I guess it's not going away.
Quote from George Jr.
Meemaw: Mean that much to you?
George: Mary and I were dating about a month when she brought me home for dinner. I took one bite of this brisket, and I knew I loved your daughter.
Mary: Gee, thanks.
Georgie: Kind of like Sleeping Beauty, except Dad kissed meat.
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: What's going on?
Missy: Mom and Dad are fighting.
Sheldon: What about?
Missy: Brisket. If they get a divorce, who do you think you'll pick to live with?
Sheldon: Well, Mom, of course.
Missy: I want Mom. Pick again.
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: Mother-in-laws are always held in low regard by the father. It rarely leads to a breakup of the family.
Missy: He's right. Fred and Wilma are still happily married.
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: How come Georgie's not going?
Mary: He's grounded for eavesdropping on me and your father.
Missy: Well, I hope he learned his lesson.
Quote from Meemaw
George: Connie, you've had every opportunity to give me that recipe and you never did, because you've always treated me like an outsider.
Mary: No, she has not.
Missy: Oh, of course I have.
George: See? She admits it.
Meemaw: Damn right, I do. Never thought you were good enough for my daughter. There you were, riding around on that dumb motorcycle, knocking her up.
Quote from Missy
[Missy outside her parents' bedroom eavesdropping on their conversation]
George: Like I'm some kind of loser, a booby prize.
Missy: Booby prize.
Mary: What was that? [Missy runs away and knocks on Georgie's door, he comes out just as Mary opens her door] Georgie, you mind your own business.
Georgie: What did I do?
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: You were there. Don't you remember?
Missy: [SIGHS] I got nothing.
Quote from Missy
Mary: Why don't you kids go in the kitchen and fix yourselves some ice cream?
Missy: I'm not going anywhere.
Quote from Sheldon
[after flashing back his parents being intimate]
George: Sheldon, want some?
Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. I'm not hungry.
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: Put that down. That's not a toy.
Missy: Sure it is. Choo choo.
Quote from Sheldon
[Missy plays with Sheldon's train whistle]
Sheldon: Great, now I have to throw that out.
Quote from Sheldon
[flashback]
Meemaw: Open wide, Moonpie. Here comes the choo choo train. Choo choo. Mmm. Isn't that good? [CHUCKLES] That's Meemaw's famous brisket. Would you like the secret recipe? [GASPS] You promise not to tell anybody? Of course you're not gonna tell anybody. I start with a tablespoon of cumin, and then a cup of brown sugar and-
[present day]
Sheldon: I know the recipe.
Georgie: What?
Sheldon: She told it to me.
Georgie: When?
Sheldon: February 14, 1982. I was 23 months old, it was Valentine's Day, and Mom and Dad went out for dinner.
Quote from Sheldon
Georgie: You can really remember when you were that little?
Sheldon: Uh-huh. You were there, too. You were still struggling with potty training.
Georgie: [CHUCKLING]: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Meemaw used to call you Mr. Soggy Pants.
Quote from Missy
Georgie: This is serious. Sheldon, you've got to tell Dad that recipe.
Sheldon: But Meemaw told me it was a secret.
Georgie: If you don't, and Mom and Dad get a divorce, it's your fault.
Sheldon: All right. Fine.
Missy: Good job, Soggy Pants.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Dad, could you please come into the living room?
George: What for?
Sheldon: My brain did something impressive and I'd like to share it with you.
Quote from Meemaw
George: What are you doing here?
Meemaw: Same as you. I want to see what his brain did.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: How do you know the recipe, Shelly?
Sheldon: Meemaw told it to me on Valentine's Day, 1982. You were out with Dad seeing Cannonball Run at the dollar theater.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: That's impossible, you weren't even two years old.
Sheldon: Three tablespoons of dried mustard, one cup of Lone Star beer-
Meemaw: Okay. Okay. Go ahead. Give it to your father.
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: I can write it down for you.
George: That's okay, I don't want it.
Missy: You have got to be kidding me.
Quote from George Sr.
George: Hey. I get it. I have a daughter. I wouldn't want her bringing home someone like that. But I've come a hell of a long way since then.
Meemaw: Okay, you're right. George, I'm sorry.
George: That means more to me than any recipe. Come here.
Quote from George Jr.
George: Be cool.
Georgie: I'm cool. You be cool.
[George Sr. fidgeting in his leather chair, making a lot of noise, accidentally knocks something over.]
Georgie: Real cool.
Quote from Sheldon
Georgie: This is really good, Meemaw.
Meemaw: Really good? You're spitting the best brisket in Texas all over the damn table.
Mary: Close your mouth when you eat.
Sheldon: Or aim your face the other way.
Quote from Meemaw
George: Connie, one of these days, you got to give me the recipe.
Meemaw: You bet. For sure. One of these days.
Quote from George Sr.
George: I might make it this weekend.
Mary: Or you could try a vegetable.
George: Vegetable? That's funny.
Quote from Mary
Meemaw: Now, this is for your eyes only. You're not to share it with anybody.
George: I never I would never. [reading the note] You're a horrible person.
Georgie: What'd it say?
Missy: I want to know what it said.
Sheldon: Me, too.
George: Just eat.
Mary: Can I read it? [reading the note] You are a horrible person.
Quote from Mary
Mary: All right, that's enough about the brisket. You kids excited for the church picnic tomorrow?
Georgie: Not really.
Missy: I don't know.
Mary: Oh, come on. You all saw the flier. The three "F"s: food, fun and fellowship.
Quote from Meemaw
George: That's it. 15 years in this family, and all the time I've been nothing but a good, supportive son-in-law. I always treated your daughter right, I gave you three beautiful grandchildren. Only thing I ever asked in return was that damn recipe.
Meemaw: You're right. Get another piece of paper. I'll write it down.
George: Don't mess with me, Connie.
Meemaw: Get the paper before I change my mind.
Mary: You're gonna do it to him again, aren't you?
Meemaw: I kind of have to.
Quote from Mary
Missy: I thought Dad was coming.
Mary: No, he had work to do.
Missy: What kind of work?
Mary: I don't know. Coaching stuff.
Missy: Can't he do it after the picnic?
Mary: No, Missy, he cannot.
Missy: Why not?
Mary: Enough.
Quote from Missy
Meemaw: Is this about the recipe?
Missy: I bet he's mad 'cause you always side with Meemaw.
Mary: And how would you know that?
Missy: Georgie told me.
Quote from Mary
Sheldon: Are you and Dad getting a divorce?
Mary: 'Course not.
Sheldon: Well, if you do, I want to live with you.
Mary: Sheldon, no one's getting a divorce. But thank you, honey.
Quote from George Sr.
Georgie: What are you doing?
George: [GASPS] Nothing! Get out of here.
Georgie: You're looking for her brisket recipe.
George: All of a sudden you got smart? I said get out of here.
Quote from Missy
George: That wasn't the recipe. You looked me in the eye, and you lied to me.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: You broke into my home and tried to steal it.
Mary: Oh, George.
George: You told her we went over there?
Mary: [GASPS] Oh, George Jr.
Georgie: I didn't say nothing. I was cool.
Missy: I am loving this.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Just so you know, Sheldon and Missy won the three-legged race because she told him a bee was chasing them, and you missed it.
Quote from Mary
George: I'm sorry, I-I just needed a break from your mother.
Mary: Yeah, well, you took a break from your family. How long is this feud between you two gonna go on?
George: That's up to her.
Mary: You are both such stubborn donkey butts! [Missy laughing] Missy, go to bed!
Missy: You don't know it's me.
Quote from George Sr.
Meemaw: Hey.
George: What do you want?
Meemaw: Don't be that way. I brought you a cold one.
George: Thanks. I still don't like you.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: Would this change your feelings?
George: Is that it?
Meemaw: The Holy Grail.
George: What changed your mind?
Meemaw: You not going to the picnic today, that hurt Mary and the twins. I cannot have that on my heart.
George: Is that so?
Meemaw: Absolutely.
George: Look me in the eye and tell me this is the actual recipe.
Meemaw: George, what you have in your hand is the exact step-by-step instructions on how to make my brisket. I have never written it down until tonight because I was afraid someone might steal it. But I'm entrusting this to you, and I hope that someday, when the time is right, you will see fit to share it with one of your children.
George: Connie, I don't know what to say.
Meemaw: Don't call me Connie. Call me Mom.
George: [CHUCKLES] Thanks, Mom.
Meemaw: You're welcome, son.
Quote from George Sr.
George: Could you grind my root for me? I-I'm-a I'm-a rub it on brisket.
Quote from Meemaw
Mary: This Cafe Du Monde coffee is very good.
Meemaw: They make it with chicory.
Mary: And what does it do to the brisket?
Meemaw: Oh, I have no idea.
Mary: Then why did you send George all the way to New Orleans?
Meemaw: Well, they don't sell this around here.