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57Quotes from ‘A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run’

A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run

107. A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run

Aired December 7, 2017

When Meemaw refuses to share her brisket recipe with George Sr., the family feud causes the kids to worry about their parents' marriage.

Quote from Missy

[Missy outside her parents' bedroom eavesdropping on their conversation]
George Sr.: Like I'm some kind of loser, a booby prize.
Missy: Booby prize.
Mary: What was that? [Missy runs away and knocks on Georgie's door, he comes out just as Mary opens her door] Georgie, you mind your own business.
George Jr.: What did I do?

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: What's going on?
Missy: Mom and Dad are fighting.
Sheldon: What about?
Missy: Brisket. If they get a divorce, who do you think you'll pick to live with?
Sheldon: Well, Mom, of course.
Missy: I want Mom. Pick again.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: How come Georgie's not going?
Mary: He's grounded for eavesdropping on me and your father.
Missy: Well, I hope he learned his lesson.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: And I wasn't eavesdropping.
George Sr.: Don't worry about it.
George Jr.: I just don't see why I got grounded.
George Sr.: What are you complaining about? You didn't want to go to church picnic anyway.
George Jr.: I like complaining. I'm good at it.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: You were there. Don't you remember?
Missy: [SIGHS] I got nothing.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I'll be right back.
George Jr.: Mind if I have a sip of your beer?
George Sr.: You mind if I dip your head in the compost heap?
George Jr.: You could have just said no.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Ooh.
George Sr.: Found it?
George Jr.: No, this is her French toast.
George Sr.: You're not looking for French toast.
George Jr.: She does make it good, though.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Did you know she puts vanilla extract in her whipped cream?
George Sr.: I did not.
George Jr.: Quarter teaspoon.
George Sr.: Georgie?
George Jr.: Yeah?
George Sr.: We're looking for brisket!
George Jr.: Cranky.

Quote from George Jr.

Meemaw: Mean that much to you?
George Sr.: Mary and I were dating about a month when she brought me home for dinner. I took one bite of this brisket, and I knew I loved your daughter.
Mary: Gee, thanks.
George Jr.: Kind of like Sleeping Beauty, except Dad kissed meat.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Connie, you've had every opportunity to give me that recipe and you never did, because you've always treated me like an outsider.
Mary: No, she has not.
Missy: Oh, of course I have.
George Sr.: See? She admits it.
Meemaw: Damn right, I do. Never thought you were good enough for my daughter. There you were, riding around on that dumb motorcycle, knocking her up.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The average American consumes 55 pounds of beef per year. And then there's Texas, where we can knock that off in a couple of months. Maybe faster, if we're talking about smoked brisket curiously, the one cut of beef that Texans and Jews agree upon.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: This is really good, Meemaw.
Meemaw: Really good? You're spitting the best brisket in Texas all over the damn table.
Mary: Close your mouth when you eat.
Sheldon: Or aim your face the other way.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Connie, one of these days, you got to give me the recipe.
Meemaw: You bet. For sure. One of these days.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: I tell you what. You go get a piece of paper and a pencil, I'll write it down for you.
George Sr.: Okay. It's happening!
Mary: That's the fastest I've seen him run.
Sheldon: It's the only time I've seen him run.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I might make it this weekend.
Mary: Or you could try a vegetable.
George Sr.: Vegetable? That's funny.

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: Now, this is for your eyes only. You're not to share it with anybody.
George Sr.: I never I would never. [reading the note] You're a horrible person.
George Jr.: What'd it say?
Missy: I want to know what it said.
Sheldon: Me, too.
George Sr.: Just eat.
Mary: Can I read it? [reading the note] You are a horrible person.

Quote from Mary

Mary: All right, that's enough about the brisket. You kids excited for the church picnic tomorrow?
George Jr.: Not really.
Missy: I don't know.
Mary: Oh, come on. You all saw the flier. The three "F"s: food, fun and fellowship.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: That's it. 15 years in this family, and all the time I've been nothing but a good, supportive son-in-law. I always treated your daughter right, I gave you three beautiful grandchildren. Only thing I ever asked in return was that damn recipe.
Meemaw: You're right. Get another piece of paper. I'll write it down.
George Sr.: Don't mess with me, Connie.
Meemaw: Get the paper before I change my mind.
Mary: You're gonna do it to him again, aren't you?
Meemaw: I kind of have to.

Quote from Mary

Missy: I thought Dad was coming.
Mary: No, he had work to do.
Missy: What kind of work?
Mary: I don't know. Coaching stuff.
Missy: Can't he do it after the picnic?
Mary: No, Missy, he cannot.
Missy: Why not?
Mary: Enough.

Quote from Missy

Meemaw: Is this about the recipe?
Missy: I bet he's mad 'cause you always side with Meemaw.
Mary: And how would you know that?
Missy: Georgie told me.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Are you and Dad getting a divorce?
Mary: 'Course not.
Sheldon: Well, if you do, I want to live with you.
Mary: Sheldon, no one's getting a divorce. But thank you, honey.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: You know this all goes away if you just give him your recipe for the brisket.
Meemaw: I know.
Mary: And?
Meemaw: I guess it's not going away.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: What are you doing?
George Sr.: [GASPS] Nothing! Get out of here.
George Jr.: You're looking for her brisket recipe.
George Sr.: All of a sudden you got smart? I said get out of here.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: Be cool.
George Jr.: I'm cool. You be cool.
[George Sr. fidgeting in his leather chair, making a lot of noise, accidentally knocks something over.]
George Jr.: Real cool.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: He thought I wrote it down. What a dope.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Just so you know, Sheldon and Missy won the three-legged race because she told him a bee was chasing them, and you missed it.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: I'm sorry, I-I just needed a break from your mother.
Mary: Yeah, well, you took a break from your family. How long is this feud between you two gonna go on?
George Sr.: That's up to her.
Mary: You are both such stubborn donkey butts! [Missy laughing] Missy, go to bed!
Missy: You don't know it's me.

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: Hey.
George Sr.: What do you want?
Meemaw: Don't be that way. I brought you a cold one.
George Sr.: Thanks. I still don't like you.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Would this change your feelings?
George Sr.: Is that it?
Meemaw: The Holy Grail.
George Sr.: What changed your mind?
Meemaw: You not going to the picnic today, that hurt Mary and the twins. I cannot have that on my heart.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Meemaw: Absolutely.
George Sr.: Look me in the eye and tell me this is the actual recipe.
Meemaw: George, what you have in your hand is the exact step-by-step instructions on how to make my brisket. I have never written it down until tonight because I was afraid someone might steal it. But I'm entrusting this to you, and I hope that someday, when the time is right, you will see fit to share it with one of your children.
George Sr.: Connie, I don't know what to say.
Meemaw: Don't call me Connie. Call me Mom.
George Sr.: [CHUCKLES] Thanks, Mom.
Meemaw: You're welcome, son.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: What a dope.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Why don't you kids go in the kitchen and fix yourselves some ice cream?
Missy: I'm not going anywhere.

Quote from George Sr.

Butcher: Can I help you?
George Sr.: Matter of fact, you can. You pull them all together I need 12 pounds of prime Angus with a medium deckle, ideally slaughtered in the spring, no later than mid-June.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: For the spice rub, Meemaw had him drive to New Orleans to buy ground coffee from Cafe Du Monde, and seven ounces of something called "holy ghost root" from a voodoo woman named Madam Laveau.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Could you grind my root for me? I-I'm-a I'm-a rub it on brisket.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Finally, the cooking began. 14 hours of cooking. And basting. And spritzing. And tending to the fire.
George Sr.: Oh Rest, my darling. Rest.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: This Cafe Du Monde coffee is very good.
Meemaw: They make it with chicory.
Mary: And what does it do to the brisket?
Meemaw: Oh, I have no idea.
Mary: Then why did you send George all the way to New Orleans?
Meemaw: Well, they don't sell this around here.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Connie, you evil bitch!

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: That wasn't the recipe. You looked me in the eye, and you lied to me.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: You broke into my home and tried to steal it.
Mary: Oh, George.
George Sr.: You told her we went over there?
Mary: [GASPS] Oh, George Jr.
George Jr.: I didn't say nothing. I was cool.
Missy: I am loving this.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I don't want this woman in my house anymore.
Mary: She is my mother.
George Sr.: She is the devil.

Quote from Sheldon

[Missy plays with Sheldon's train whistle]
Sheldon: Great, now I have to throw that out.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Mother-in-laws are always held in low regard by the father. It rarely leads to a breakup of the family.
Missy: He's right. Fred and Wilma are still happily married.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Put that down. That's not a toy.
Missy: Sure it is. Choo choo.

Quote from Sheldon

[flashback]
Meemaw: Open wide, Moonpie. Here comes the choo choo train. Choo choo. Mmm. Isn't that good? [CHUCKLES] That's Meemaw's famous brisket. Would you like the secret recipe? [GASPS] You promise not to tell anybody? Of course you're not gonna tell anybody. I start with a tablespoon of cumin, and then a cup of brown sugar and-
[present day]
Sheldon: I know the recipe.
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: She told it to me.
George Jr.: When?
Sheldon: February 14, 1982. I was 23 months old, it was Valentine's Day, and Mom and Dad went out for dinner.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: You can really remember when you were that little?
Sheldon: Uh-huh. You were there, too. You were still struggling with potty training.
George Jr.: [CHUCKLING]: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Meemaw used to call you Mr. Soggy Pants.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: This is serious. Sheldon, you've got to tell Dad that recipe.
Sheldon: But Meemaw told me it was a secret.
George Jr.: If you don't, and Mom and Dad get a divorce, it's your fault.
Sheldon: All right. Fine.
Missy: Good job, Soggy Pants.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Dad, could you please come into the living room?
George Sr.: What for?
Sheldon: My brain did something impressive and I'd like to share it with you.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: What are you doing here?
Meemaw: Same as you. I want to see what his brain did.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I know Meemaw's brisket recipe.
George Sr.: What?
Meemaw: No, you don't.
Sheldon: Yes, I do. And in order to bring peace to this family, I'm prepared to make it public.
Meemaw: You're bluffing.
Sheldon: One tablespoon of cumin, one cup of brown sugar, two tablespoons of smoked paprika-
Meemaw: Okay, okay, stop.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How do you know the recipe, Shelly?
Sheldon: Meemaw told it to me on Valentine's Day, 1982. You were out with Dad seeing Cannonball Run at the dollar theater.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: That's impossible, you weren't even two years old.
Sheldon: Three tablespoons of dried mustard, one cup of Lone Star beer-
Meemaw: Okay. Okay. Go ahead. Give it to your father.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: I can write it down for you.
George Sr.: That's okay, I don't want it.
Missy: You have got to be kidding me.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hey. I get it. I have a daughter. I wouldn't want her bringing home someone like that. But I've come a hell of a long way since then.
Meemaw: Okay, you're right. George, I'm sorry.
George Sr.: That means more to me than any recipe. Come here.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Don't let the hug fool you. The minute she went home, he made me give him the recipe.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Here we go, maiden voyage. Mmm, mmm. Hot damn.

Quote from Mary

[in bed together]
George Sr.: Hot damn!
Mary: George, language!

Quote from Sheldon

[after flashing back his parents being intimate]
George Sr.: Sheldon, want some?
Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. I'm not hungry.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Then back home, he applied the spice rub with such erotic tenderness, it made my mother a little jealous.

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