Meemaw: This is delicious, but you were not kidding about the spice. I'm about to break a sweat here.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, here's something you might find interesting. Spicy food is typically found in warmer climates because it induces sweating, which in turn, cools people off.
Meemaw: So what does the runny nose do for me?
Dr. John Sturgis: It allows me to, uh, gallantly offer you my handkerchief.
Meemaw: You are such a gentleman.
Dr. John Sturgis: When I was younger, I read a book on etiquette. That's how I know that if I ever have an audience at the Vatican, I should wear evening attire or a sack coat.
Meemaw: I don't know what a sack coat is, but I'm sure you'd look handsome in it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.

Dr. John Sturgis: You weren't kidding. Spaghetti and hot dogs is delightful.
Sheldon: Even better since Mom perfected the chunk ratio.

George Sr.: So, Dr. Sturgis, Sheldon tells us you're a guest professor at the university.
Dr. John Sturgis: I am.
Mary: Hmm. Does that mean that you're only here temporarily?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's the plan for now. But I could be enticed to stay.
Sheldon: Meemaw, I do believe there was subtext there. Did you pick up on it?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Sheldon: Was I correct to infer there was subtext there?
Dr. John Sturgis: You were.
Sheldon: Okay, we're all good.

George Jr.: Don't they make babies that are born too soon stay in the hospital?
Mary: Normally, yes, but you were born with such a great head full of hair that they sent you home with us.
George Jr.: That's the first thing you've said that makes sense.

Mary: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, welcome.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Sheldon.
Mary: Sheldon, you think you might've let me know you invited company over for dinner?
Sheldon: I did think about it, but I was afraid you might say no.

Meemaw: Yeah?
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, this is John Sturgis.
Meemaw: Well, hello, John Sturgis. How are you?
Dr. John Sturgis: I chipped a tooth on a peach pit this morning, but otherwise, I'm okay.

Missy: And then Heather B said she didn't want to play tetherball with Heather M anymore.
George Sr.: Wait. Th-There's two Heathers?
Missy: Oh, yeah.
George Sr.: Which one's which?
Missy: Heather B is stuck up. Heather M used to be stuck up, but then she got a scoliosis brace.
George Sr.: Maybe she shouldn't be playing tetherball.
Missy: That's what Heather B said.

George Sr.: The trick is not to make eye contact.
Missy: Tell him.

Sheldon: And then she said for grown-ups to get to know each other, they have to have time alone.
Dr. John Sturgis: Makes sense. What else?
Sheldon: Apparently my being underfoot isn't conducive to romance.
Dr. John Sturgis: This is very helpful. Thank you.
Sheldon: I'm at your service.

George Sr.: I was just thinking that, uh, you and me, you know, we don't spend much time together. You know, we should find something to do, just-just two of us.
Missy: Like what?
George Sr.: You tell me. What-what sounds fun?
Missy: I'd like to be taken to dinner.
George Sr.: Great. Where?
Missy: To the fanciest restaurant in all of Texas.
George Sr.: Which is?
Missy: Red Lobster, where the surf meets the turf.
George Sr.: You got it.
Missy: Thanks, Dad. Mom, you got to take me shopping! I need a dress!

Dr. John Sturgis: O gauge trains are definitely the best.
Sheldon: "O", yes, they are.

George Jr.: I can't believe they're making me sit and eat at the kiddie table.
Missy: It's better here.
George Jr.: How?
Missy: We don't have to pray, eat our vegetables, and we can curse.
George Jr.: Hmm. Maybe you're right.
Missy: Course I am, you ass-face.

George Sr.: So what do you think?
Meemaw: I think we might be underdressed.

George Sr.: Do I really need to get dressed up to go to Red Lobster?
Mary: You're getting dressed up for your daughter. And that's a new shirt, so be sure to ask for a bib.

Adult Sheldon: During that time, I saw three cars drive by and a raccoon dragging a slice of pizza.

Meemaw: Oh, my.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know, I look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

George Sr.: You're going to dinner wearing that?
Mary: I think you mean she looks beautiful.
George Sr.: You look beautiful.
Missy: Why thank you, George.
George Sr.: How 'bout we stick with "Dad" tonight?
Missy: Okay, but you call me Melissa.
George Sr.: After you, Melissa.
Missy: Thanks, George.

George Sr.: Hey.
Missy: Hi, Dad.
George Sr.: What you doing?
Missy: Am I in trouble?
George Sr.: No, no. Just checking in on you.
Missy: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause you're my daughter and I love you.
Missy: This is getting weird.
George Sr.: It is.

Dr. John Sturgis: The trick to a successful Sichuan dinner is the Sichuan pepper.
Meemaw: Okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, you may notice your lips and tongue getting numb.
Meemaw: Then why are we eating it?
Dr. John Sturgis: 'Cause it's yummy.

Meemaw: So, what were you doing wandering around China?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, when I'm not doing research or teaching, I enjoy taking the path less traveled.
Meemaw: I'm guessing it's a bike path.
Dr. John Sturgis: As a matter of fact, it was. Everybody in China rides bicycles. It's fantastic.
Meemaw: Did you see the Great Wall?
Dr. John Sturgis: I did. Interesting fact: it's filled with the dead bodies of the people who built it.
Meemaw: You don't say.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hundreds of thousands of them.

George Jr.: If it's just the two of us, why can't I eat watching TV?
Mary: 'Cause you're having dinner with your mother and it's a chance for us to talk.
George Jr.: Sheldon's having dinner and looking out the window.
Mary: Want me to have him join us?
George Jr.: No!
Mary: Then quit complaining.

George Jr.: So what do you want to talk about?
Mary: Um, I don't know. How's school?
George Jr.: It's school, it's a turd fest.
Mary: Charming. Are you dating anyone?
George Jr.: Nah, nobody up to my standards.
Mary: Sure.
George Jr.: Can I ask you a question?
Mary: Course, you can ask me anything.
George Jr.: Were you pregnant with me when you married Dad?
Mary: Um, why would you ask that?
George Jr.: Sheldon said so.
Mary: How would Sheldon know?
George Jr.: He did the math.
Mary: What math?
George Jr.: He said the time between my birthday and your wedding day was six months.
Mary: Um, yeah. That's because you were born premature.
George Jr.: I've seen my birth certificate, it said I weighed nine pounds.
Mary: Yes, that's true. You were a big fat preemie. Let's talk about something else.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: 'Cause I'd very much like to.

Meemaw: You know, it's a long bike ride at night. If you want you're welcome to stay.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it's fine, I-I have a headlight on my bicycle.
Meemaw: Oh, sure, sure. Although, I hear it might rain.
Dr. John Sturgis: No worries. I have a pocket poncho.
Meemaw: So you do. John, I'm inviting you to spend the night.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. No, thank you.

Missy: When I grow up, I'm gonna eat lobster every night.
George Sr.: Well, hon, you better stay in school and get a good education.
Missy: I was thinking I'd just marry a rich guy.
George Sr.: Sure, that's a way to go.
Missy: Or a guy who works at Red Lobster.
George Sr.: That's another way to go.

Dr. John Sturgis: You seem quiet. Is everything okay?
Meemaw: Are you not interested in me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course I am. I'm very interested.
Meemaw: Then how come when I I invited you to spend the night, I got rejected?
Dr. John Sturgis: I did do that, didn't I?
Meemaw: Good Lord, yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I can explain.
Meemaw: Please do.
Dr. John Sturgis: I didn't want you to think that I would think that you were the sort of woman who would engage in coitus simply because I cooked you a Sichuan dinner.
Meemaw: It was better before you explained.

Sheldon: This is very promising.
Missy: What's happening?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis's bike is still at Meemaw's.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: That means he probably is, too.
Missy: You need to get a life.

Sheldon: Mom, Mom, Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
George Sr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis and Meemaw had their first sleepover. It's a big step in their relationship. I'm going to go congratulate them.
George Sr.: Hey, put on a jacket, it's chilly out.
Sheldon: Will do!
Mary: Or try saying he can't go.
George Sr.: Oh, never mind, you can't go!
Sheldon: The last thing I heard was jacket!

Dr. John Sturgis: Next order of business. I would like to have dinner with you tonight, just the two of us.
Meemaw: Oh, well, that sounds nice. What'd you have in mind?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'd like to come to your house and cook you a Sichuan feast.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, a what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sichuan. It's a style of Chinese cooking I learned when I was traveling through China.
Meemaw: Well, wonderful. I would love that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. Do you have a wok?
Meemaw: I do not.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have a travel wok.

Dr. John Sturgis: This is for you. It's cheese and summer sausages.
Mary: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Summer sausage means it doesn't need to be refrigerated.
Mary: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.

Meemaw: Good Lord. You mean he just showed up out of nowhere?
Mary: Yep. He's out in the garage playing trains with Sheldon.
Meemaw: [rolls her eyes]

George Sr.: Why's your hair wet?
Meemaw: If you must know, I was doing my water aerobics, and my swimming cap fell off.
Mary: This Sturgis fella didn't say a word to you?
Meemaw: If he did, do you think I would have been doing frog kicks at the YMCA?

Sheldon: Meemaw, you smell like chlorine.
Meemaw: Why say it?

Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, do you think we're ever going to unify gravity with the other three fundamental forces?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have a sticky note on my refrigerator which reminds me every day to do just that.

Sheldon: When did you decide to focus your research on quantum-
Mary: Um, Sheldon, I think you're kind of dominating the conversation. Why don't you let your meemaw talk to Dr. Sturgis?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. By all means.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Connie?
Meemaw: Yes, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Do you smell like chlorine on purpose?

George Sr.: You sure I can't give you a ride home? I can throw your bike in the back of my pickup truck.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, no. I enjoy the night air. Plus, hot dogs and spaghetti is a highly caloric event that demands an aerobic effort on my part.

Mary: Well, it was a pleasure spending the evening with you. We should do it again sometime.
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. When?
Sheldon: How about tomorrow?
Meemaw: [SPUTTERS] You know what, we'll figure it out. Come on, let me see you to your Schwinn.

Sheldon: Well, that was the most stimulating dinner I've ever had in this house.
Mary: Glad you enjoyed it.
Sheldon: That man is a true role model.
George Sr.: Well, it's nice you finally got a man you can look up to.
Sheldon: Oh, believe me, I know.

George Sr.: You saw it. My own son can't even imagine me being a role model? How am I supposed to be okay with that?
Mary: You're a role model for Georgie.
George Sr.: I used to be. Now he wants to grow up and be Tony Danza.

Mary: Did you forget you have a daughter who would really benefit from having a good man to look up to? Oh, dear Lord. You did forget.

George Sr.: I didn't forget. I just don't know how to spend time with her.
Mary: It ain't rocket science, George. She's a little girl. Ask her what she wants to do, and then do it with her.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. I suppose.
Mary: Trust me. She'll be thrilled to spend some time with you.
George Sr.: Okay. Yeah, I'll give it a try. Hey, when we do, you know, whatever it is she likes to do, you're gonna be there, right?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Well, this just got harder.

Sheldon: I've been researching things that you and I can do with Dr. Sturgis. There's a lecture tonight at Rice University called "What's happening at the center of our galaxy".
Meemaw: Let me just stop you right there.
Sheldon: Don't worry. I know what's happening at the center, but I would never spoil it for you.

Meemaw: Look, I know you're invested in me and John having a relationship, and I'm not saying we won't. But it ain't gonna happen with you always underfoot.
Sheldon: Have I been underfoot?
Meemaw: Honey, in order for grown-ups to get to know each other, they need to have some alone time.
Sheldon: What if I'm around, but I took a vow of silence?
Meemaw: Go home and have your breakfast.

George Sr.: Mmm. Good ratio of hot dog chunks to spaghetti.
Mary: I've been experimenting. Glad you noticed.

Meemaw: Uh, so, uh, what do you say about 6:00?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a date.
Meemaw: Terrific.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, um, let's not mention this to Sheldon so as to keep him from being underfoot.
Meemaw: Have you been talking to him?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have. See you later.

Dr. John Sturgis: Sorry I'm a little late. My pant leg got stuck in the chain.