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42Quotes from ‘A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf’

A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

211. A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

Aired January 3, 2019

After Missy asks Sheldon for help with her math homework, he experiments to see whether he can unlock her intellectual potential. Meanwhile, Georgie joins Mary's bible study group so he can spend more time with Veronica.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You here to see me?
Veronica: I'm here for your mom's Bible study.
George Jr.: Oh, sure, of course. I'm glad you could join us. Come in, won't you?
Veronica: You're part of the group, too?
George Jr.: Faith, the Bible, God, I'm nuts for that stuff.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Georgie, if you want to be a good Christian, maybe you should stop lying through your teeth.
George Jr.: Just be happy I brushed them, okay

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: What are you working on?
Missy: A list of possible boyfriends for my Cabbage Patch doll. How do you think Celeste would look next to Joey Lawrence?
Sheldon: I don't know who that is.
Missy: He's Blossom's brother.
Sheldon: I don't know who that is.
Missy: It's a show. She wears hats.

Quote from George Jr.

Pastor Jeff: And I also want to welcome George Cooper, who has recently found his way to the Lord.
George Jr.: Howdy. Praise Jesus.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: And you. Getting baptized just to kiss a girl? What were you thinking?
George Jr.: Sounds like you know what I was thinking.

Quote from Tam

Tam: So you're hoping to create an army of super-intelligent children who will do your bidding?
Sheldon: In a perfect world, yes.
Tam: You should spend more time with my mother. That's her goal, too.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Care to explain yourself?
Sheldon: I was trying to motivate Missy to expand her intellectual horizons.
Mary: By torturing her Cabbage Patch doll?
Sheldon: Well, it's not like I shocked her with electrodes, which was an option.
Mary: Enough.
Sheldon: To be clear, I meant to shock Missy, not the doll. That would be ineffective.
Mary: Enough!

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, we learned how humans taught the apes to become civilized. Which I think should start with potty training, but I'm not a screenwriter.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Can you help me with my math homework?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: Please. It's really hard.
Sheldon: "It" isn't the problem.
Missy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fine, what are you working on?
Missy: There's a number, then there's a line, then there's another number under it.
Sheldon: Fractions?
Missy: Yes, fractions.
Adult Sheldon: At that moment, it occurred to me if I could teach mathematics to someone as dull-witted as my sister, I could create a race of superhumans that would do my bidding.
And who wouldn't want that?
Missy: Please, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You know what, Missy? I'd be happy to help you.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Try thinking of it this way: imagine a pie. The number on the bottom of the fraction is how many pieces the pie has been sliced into.
Missy: What kind of pie is it?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter.
Missy: But it would help me picture it if I knew the kind of pie.
Sheldon: Fine, it's banana cream.
Missy: I don't like banana cream.
Sheldon: Okay, what kind of pie would you like it to be?
Missy: What about those little apple pies from McDonalds?
Sheldon: Sure.
Missy: I burned my mouth on one of those. Didn't stop me. I still ate it.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Sheldon: So one-fourth of the 12 pieces of pie is?
Missy: Three?
Sheldon: Yes. And one-third of the 12 pieces is?
Missy: Four?
Sheldon: Yes. Now how much is one-third of the pie plus one-fourth of the pie?
Missy: Well, three plus four is seven, but there's 12 pieces, so seven-twelve-iths.
Sheldon: It's twelfths. And yes.
Missy: I did it.
Adult Sheldon: Actually, I did it. In less than ten minutes, I taught fractions to a monkey.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: While we're here, would you like me to introduce you to algebra?
Missy: Al who?
Sheldon: Oh, boy. It's not a person, it's an ancient Arabic method of finding the value of variables.
Missy: Oh. Nah.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Clearly, I needed a more sophisticated technique to motivate my simian sister.
Sheldon: Are you sure? If you learn a little algebra, I'll give you a banana.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Okay, here we go. "From that time, Jesus began to preach and say 'Repent, c-change your inner self, your old way of thinking, regret past sins, live your life in a way that proves repentance: seek God's purpose for your life." Powerful stuff. Can I get an amen?
All: Amen.
Mary: Amen.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ooh, this is interesting. According to Socrates, all knowledge exists within the student and just needs to be drawn out through skillful questioning.
Tam: Are you saying I knew that before you even said it?
Sheldon: I don't know, did you?
Tam: Well, according to Socrates, you do know and the answer's inside you.
Sheldon: Well, then, ask me a skillful question to draw it out.
Tam: Do you know if I knew before I knew?
Sheldon: No.
Tam: Hey, it works.
Sheldon: It does.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm recording my findings so that future generations of mankind can understand the steps I took to create homo novus, "new man." Of course, there's a strong likelihood that my homo novi might've wiped out all future generations, so I have no idea who's watching this.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: [inner monologue] Lord, please look after my family. Give them everything they need to be happy and healthy. And this lovely young girl with me tonight, help her stay on the path of righteousness.
Veronica: [inner monologue] God, please look after my sister. You can find her at the women's correctional facility in Lubbock. Help her seek salvation in you instead of cocaine, marijuana and bass players.
George Jr.: [inner monologue] Jesus, I'm sure, even from Heaven, you can see how hot the girl sitting next to me is. And I know I'm not supposed to pray for myself, but here's the deal: if you can get her to fall in love with me, and you know, make some bad decisions, I swear I'll come to church every Sunday.
Mary: [inner monologue] And thank you for bringing Georgie tonight, even though you and I both know why he came. Speaking of which, whatever he's praying for right now, ignore it.
Veronica: [inner monologue] And please protect me from impure thoughts, and teach me to respect the sanctity of my body.
George Jr.: [inner monologue] Now if for instance she and I were to go skinny dipping and one thing were to lead to another under the moonlit sky, get this: not only do I become a devout Christian, I will also bug everybody I meet to do the same. And you know I can be real annoying when I set my mind to it.
Mary: [inner monologue] Amen.
Veronica: [inner monologue] Amen.
George Jr.: [inner monologue] I'm gonna take your silence as a yes. Amen.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: True or false? At times, you have referred to yourself as being dumb.
Missy: True.
Sheldon: And do you enjoy feeling that way?
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Well, let me change that. I'm presenting you with an opportunity to achieve the full potential of your mind.
Missy: Are you gonna do some experiment where we switch brains?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: 'Cause I've seen it on Gilligan's Island and I've seen it on The Flintstones and it never goes well.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Then sings my soul, my savior God-
Mary: Oh, who do you think you're fooling here?
George Jr.: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Mary: Listen to me. Veronica has a rough family situation, and she's trying to improve her life.
George Jr.: And I admire that. Very inspirational.
Mary: Georgie, believe me, I'm glad to see you in a church, but I do not want you taking advantage of that girl.
George Jr.: Taking advantage? Veronica and I are Bible buddies, nothing more. I'm serious.
Mary: Right.
George Jr.: Maybe you should ask yourself what's in you that makes you see sin in the hearts of others.
Mary: Okay, now you're pushing it.
George Jr.: Lord Jesus, please help my mother with her anger. Can I get an amen?
Mary: No!

Quote from Missy

Missy: Why do we need the camera?
Sheldon: So people in the future can see your transformation. Where are you going?
Missy: To put on a dress for the future people.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

Ms. Hutchins: Sheldon, how's your educational project going?
Sheldon: Poorly. I've hit a wall.
Ms. Hutchins: Have you considered B. F. Skinner's behavior modification?
Tam: What's that?
Ms. Hutchins: It uses punishment and reward to get the results you want.
Sheldon: Ooh, punishment. I like the sound of that.
Ms. Hutchins: [QUIETLY] In the right context, so do I.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Way to go, Mom. Way to lead a Christian life.
Meemaw: Oh, does my daughter think poorly of me?
Mary: Yes.
Meemaw: Good. I can die happy.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: All right, everybody, welcome to the 1990 East Texas Baptist Olympics. [LAUGHS] 'Cause we're in the pool of water. Anyway, I want to welcome our little sister Veronica Duncan, who I will be dunkin'. [CHUCKLES] Sorry. I can't turn it off.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Is it working? Are you feeling motivated?
Missy: Very. [Missy punches Sheldon in the face]

Quote from Missy

Missy: Dear Alf, I'm your number one fan. I like you because you're an alien but you're funny, unlike my brother who's an alien but just a jerk. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying your time here on our planet and have found things to eat other than cats. I recommend chicken nuggets. Sincerely, Missy Cooper, age ten.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You want to hang out Saturday?
Veronica: Can't. I signed up to get baptized.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah. I've been meaning to do that.
Veronica: Well, why don't you join me? We could do it together.
George Jr.: Sure. You and me, getting double dunked. I like it.
Veronica: Can you imagine afterwards? All of our sins will be washed away.
George Jr.: Yeah, and we can start cranking out fresh ones.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Veronica. Hi.
Veronica: Hey, Georgie.
George Jr.: You-you changed your hair.
Veronica: I did.
George Jr.: It's shorter.
Veronica: It is.
George Jr.: I like it.
Veronica: Thank-thanks.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: What are you doing?
George Jr.: What's it look like? I'm here for Bible study.
Mary: Did you just take a shower?
George Jr.: No.
Mary: [SNIFFS] You did, too.
George Jr.: So I want to be clean for Jesus. Get off my back.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: All right, now we're reading from Matthew 4. Georgie, why don't you get us started on verse 17?
George Jr.: Me?
Mary: Yes, you.
George Jr.: Oh. Okay. Um, verse 17 [QUIETLY] Verse 17 Give me a minute.
Veronica: Here.
George Jr.: Bless you.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Hutchins: Need any help there, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I'm looking for some books on education theory.
Ms. Hutchins: What for?
Sheldon: I'm trying to develop a technique to teach someone who falls into the conventional category of "stupid."
Ms. Hutchins: Oh. Well, now, there's a wide range of stupid. Can you narrow it down?
Sheldon: She wrote a fan letter to Alf.
Ms. Hutchins: Got it. So you're looking to make a pretty radical change.
Sheldon: Well, ideally, I'd like to wipe my sister's brain clean and start over, but my mom wouldn't like that.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah. Moms are no fun.

Quote from George Jr.

Veronica: Georgie.
George Jr.: So, listen, I was doing my prayers last night and, uh, you won't believe it, but I think God spoke to me.
Veronica: Really? What did he say?
George Jr.: Well, I couldn't understand all of it, 'cause it was in an ancient language, but the part I did understand is he wants us to spend more time together.
Veronica: Doing what?
George Jr.: Oh, you know, praying, helping the needy. Your usual Christian activities.
Veronica: Well, I'm okay with that.
George Jr.: Good. So you, me and God, we'll hang out.
Veronica: Sounds good.
George Jr.: Okay. See you later.
Veronica: See you.
George Jr.: I may be going to hell.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What are you doing in here?
Sheldon: I'm keeping a video diary of my experiment to create homo novus.
George Sr.: Homo what?
Sheldon: Novus. It's Latin. It means "new man."
George Sr.: Oh. I guess that's okay.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Y-Your mom's at church. W-What do you want for dinner?
Sheldon: I believe you know what I want for dinner.
George Sr.: Is that right?
Sheldon: It's Thursday. What does Mom always make me on Thursdays?
George Sr.: Spaghetti and hot dogs?
Sheldon: [to the camera] Socrates. Got to love him.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: And now, why don't we take a moment to pray, uh, keeping in mind that our prayers should not be for our own benefit, but for our family, friends, fellow Texans, Americans of all races and religions and the world. Well, most of the world. Y'all know what countries to pick.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Anyway, I've been doing some research, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to teach you anything. You already know everything.
Missy: Cool.
Sheldon: Your brain already contains all the math that will ever be known.
Missy: I heard you and I said "cool."
Sheldon: Well, wouldn't you like to explore that great treasure trove of knowledge?
Missy: That depends. What's a trove?
Sheldon: We'll circle back to that.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Hello, people of the future. My name is Missy Cooper and this is my best friend Celeste. [WHISPERS] She's dating Joey Lawrence.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I just don't know where I went wrong.
Tam: Are you sure your questioning was skillful?
Sheldon: I thought so, but after two hours of interrogation, all I could extract from my sister's brain was that there was some sort of block with new kids on it.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I took a real beating at the craps table, and then I won it all back playing Caribbean Stud Poker.
George Sr.: Well, how does Caribbean Stud Poker work?
Meemaw: I have no idea. I was drunk off my ass.

Quote from Mary

George Jr.: Hey, Mom, just a heads-up, I'm getting baptized tomorrow.
Mary: Good Lord. That boy's randiness knows no bounds.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: What are you talking about?
Mary: He's only doing it 'cause of that Veronica girl.
George Sr.: Oh, sure. That makes sense.
Mary: What do you mean, it makes sense?
George Sr.: When I was his age, I hitchhiked to Florida 'cause I had a friend that had a girlfriend who knew a girl who might be willing.
Meemaw: But then you met my daughter and you didn't have to travel so far.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: According to B.F. Skinner, if I can find the appropriate punishment to motivate Missy, there's no limit to what she might be able to learn. But what might that punishment be? Whip her with a rubber hose? No. That sounds like a recipe for tendinitis. Administer small electric shocks? Tricky. If I get the voltage wrong, I could spend the rest of my life in an institution for the criminally insane. Or I inflict harm on the object she loves more than life itself. Celeste, you're about to become part of scientific history.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: All right, let's try this again. Would you be ready to learn some advanced calculus if it saved Celeste's pigtails?
Missy: What are you doing? Put her down.
Sheldon: Not until I modify your behavior.

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