Pastor Jeff Quotes

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Pastor Jeff: I have this feeling inside that I should head home.
Mary: Well, then you got to honor that feeling, that's God.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. You want to come with?
Mary: Do you really want me there while you patch things up with your wife?
Pastor Jeff: She's less likely to throw any steak knives if we have company.
Mary: Um, if you think it'll help, I suppose-
Pastor Jeff: Great, let's hit it.

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Pastor Jeff: Mary, I hate to say this, but I think it's time for me to move on. I thought even as a teenager, I'd been called to preach the word of God, but maybe that was just my ego. Maybe I'm not meant to do this.
Mary: Don't say that. You're a great preacher.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. But it's clear. I need to trod a new path.
Mary: Well, what would you do? Trodding wise.
Pastor Jeff: I don't know. Maybe work with my hands amongst men, on an oil rig, or a fishing trawler. I also know how to blow glass. I could turn a pretty penny at swap meets.

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Quote from the episode A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

Pastor Jeff: All right, everybody, welcome to the 1990 East Texas Baptist Olympics. [LAUGHS] 'Cause we're in the pool of water. Anyway, I want to welcome our little sister Veronica Duncan, who I will be dunkin'. [CHUCKLES] Sorry. I can't turn it off.

Quote from the episode Poker, Faith, and Eggs

Pastor Jeff: So what do you think the odds are that God exists?
Sheldon: I think they're zero. I believe in science.
Pastor Jeff: So you don't think science and religion can go hand in hand?
Sheldon: Science is facts, religion is faith. I prefer facts.
Pastor Jeff: I understand that. Here's a cool fact for ya. A lot of famous scientists believed in God. Isaac Newton. Albert Einstein. Even Charles Darwin.
Sheldon: So Darwin's right about God and wrong about evolution?
Pastor Jeff: Now you're gettin' it. Let's give it up for Sheldon, everybody. What a good sport.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Mary: [to Sheldon] Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Pastor Jeff: Oh, and tell Sheldon I spoke to my seminary professor, and the official ruling is: God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls.
Praise Jesus!

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Pastor Jeff: Now this might be hard to understand, but living a loving, Christian life isn't always the easiest thing to do. Yes, Billy.
Billy Sparks: My mom's not crazy about you either.
Pastor Jeff: Just love your neighbor, 'kay? [SNIFFS]

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Mary: Pastor Jeff? Everything all right in there?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, yeah. I've just been praying, napping, crying. I like to mix it up.

Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

Sheldon: Did you know when the Bible says "the Word", they're translating the Greek expression "logos", and logos means knowledge.
Pastor Jeff: Sounds like someone has a noggin full of "logos".

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mare, what's up? Other than the big guy. [laughs] God joke.

Quote from the episode A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

Pastor Jeff: And now, why don't we take a moment to pray, uh, keeping in mind that our prayers should not be for our own benefit, but for our family, friends, fellow Texans, Americans of all races and religions and the world. Well, most of the world. Y'all know what countries to pick.

Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

Pastor Jeff: Who's feeling brave? Missy.
Missy: I'll go second.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Does anybody want to go first?

Quote from the episode A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board

Mary: That seems to be going well.
Pastor Jeff: It's going really well. I like her so much.
Mary: Why do you sound sad about it?
Pastor Jeff: Well, this is hard for me to say out loud. But when I'm around her, I find myself having you know...
Mary: I don't know.
Pastor Jeff: [whispers] Man thoughts.
Mary: Oh. But you're the pastor. You can't act on those.
Pastor Jeff: Hence my sadness.

Quote from the episode A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board

Pastor Jeff: Which one says "Robin, I like you" but also says "God is watching, be cool"?
Mary: The blue one.

Quote from the episode A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board

Pastor Jeff: The bolo tie's too sexy, right? Knew it.

Quote from the episode A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board

Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.

Quote from the episode A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board

Pastor Jeff: The Lord just sent me a message.
Officer Robin: Really?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry. I can't be in a physical relationship outside of marriage.
Officer Robin: Okay. I respect that.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Officer Robin: So when are we getting married?
Pastor Jeff: Uh...

Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey

Pastor Jeff: I don't know if you've heard, but our church secretary, Elizabeth Sohinki, is currently seeking treatment for a little problem with shall we say "under-the-counter" medications.
Mary: Oh, so that rumor's true.
Pastor Jeff: Mm-hmm.
Mary: Well, she did always seem extremely alert.
Pastor Jeff: Alert, shaky, sweaty.