Pastor Jeff: Okay, now our next baptism is for Sheldon Lee Cooper, our soon-to-be brother in Christ. And, personally, this is a big get for me.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Peg: Cop a squat. Pastor Jeff: Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Mary: Well, we disagree. Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me to be prosperous and I believe him.
Pastor Jeff: This is nothing but a coincidence. You overpaid your taxes, you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.
Mary: You sound like Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I believe I know my way out. [Mary points to the door]

Mary: [on the phone] Hi, Pastor Jeff. Can you come over right now? I need you to save someone's soul.
[Cut to Mary opening the front door to Pastor Jeff, who is holding his bible:]
Pastor Jeff: Whose soul needs saving? Is it Sheldon? I've been waiting for this.
Mary: No. We're still praying for him. Come in, we don't have much time.

Pastor Jeff: And now, why don't we take a moment to pray, uh, keeping in mind that our prayers should not be for our own benefit, but for our family, friends, fellow Texans, Americans of all races and religions and the world. Well, most of the world. Y'all know what countries to pick.

Pastor Jeff: The Lord just sent me a message.
Officer Robin: Really?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry. I can't be in a physical relationship outside of marriage.
Officer Robin: Okay. I respect that.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Officer Robin: So when are we getting married?
Pastor Jeff: Uh...

Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.

Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.

Mary: Well, um, I'm concerned George and Georgie might be succumbing to the sin of greed.
Pastor Jeff: Ooh, that's a biggie.
Mary: Ever since Georgie started making money, he's been very disrespectful. Meanwhile, my husband's so busy trying to land a better job, he doesn't even care how it might affect Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry to hear that. In Luke 12:15, Jesus says, "Watch out. Be on your guard against all kinds of greed. Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions."
Mary: I know, but it seems like the whole world is sending the opposite message.
Pastor Jeff: Don't I know it. Just the other day, I was at the mall and a toaster oven caught my eye. Next thing you know, I was in line to buy it, and I realized I have a toaster and I have an oven. What am I doing? Turns out Satan doesn't just hide out in honky-tonks and casinos. Sometimes he's in the appliance section of Sears.

Mary: I'm sorry Robin couldn't be here.
Pastor Jeff: She's working extra shifts so she can take some time off after the wedding.
Mary: For a honeymoon? How nice. Where y'all going?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, we don't really plan on leaving the bedroom.

Pastor Jeff: Get this. I drove past the Methodist church and you know what the sign out front said?
Mary: What?
Pastor Jeff: "Friendship, pirate ship, try the best ship... worship."
Mary: Clever.
Pastor Jeff: That was our sign last year! I wrote that!
Mary: Isn't the most important thing that it might get more people to go to church?
Pastor Jeff: But whoever did it has the sin of stealing on their soul now, so at least there's that.
Mary: There you go.

Pastor Jeff: Okay. Who is your favorite apostle and why?
Pastor Rob: Ooh. I'm-a say Judas.
Mary: What? How?
Pastor Rob: Well, for man to be redeemed, our Lord had to die. If Judas hadn't betrayed him, mankind wouldn't have been saved. Pretty cool.
Pastor Jeff: [exhales] I never thought about it like that.
Pastor Rob: Well, you know, when you come at things from unexpected angles, people pay attention more. It's what I hope to do with the kids.
Peg: [chuckles] Well, you got my attention.
Mary: Hold on. I'm not sure that we should be teaching the kids that Judas was cool.
Pastor Rob: Well, I just try to see everyone the way Jesus would.
Pastor Jeff: Preach.
Pastor Rob: No, no, that's your job. Look, I just want to get the kids excited about church. Think of me as the warm-up band before you hit the stage.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] I think we just found our new youth pastor.
Mary: Can we discuss this?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. When can you start?

Pastor Rob: I'm thinking it might be a good idea if we gave the kids a talk about the facts of life.
Pastor Jeff: You mean like, S-E-X?
Peg: Who are you spelling that for?
Pastor Jeff: G-O-D.

Pastor Rob: I just think this is our chance to get in first before they learn it on TV.
Pastor Jeff: That is true. I flipped past MTV the other night, and a song was on called... [quietly] "I Wanna Sex You Up."
Mary: What does that even mean?
Pastor Jeff: I turned it off before the young man could clarify.
Peg: Well, if you ask me, I think it means he wants to...
Mary: No one asked you.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. Quick question. Why can I see you through my newsletter?
Mary: Oh, sorry, I had to remove one of the ads.
Pastor Jeff: Was there anything important on the other side?
Mary: Just Peg's recipe for her grape salad.
Pastor Jeff: With the mayonnaise and the pretzels. Barf.