Pastor Jeff Quotes

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Quote from the episode A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

Pastor Jeff: All right, everybody, welcome to the 1990 East Texas Baptist Olympics. [LAUGHS] 'Cause we're in the pool of water. Anyway, I want to welcome our little sister Veronica Duncan, who I will be dunkin'. [CHUCKLES] Sorry. I can't turn it off.

Quote from the episode Poker, Faith, and Eggs

Pastor Jeff: So what do you think the odds are that God exists?
Sheldon: I think they're zero. I believe in science.
Pastor Jeff: So you don't think science and religion can go hand in hand?
Sheldon: Science is facts, religion is faith. I prefer facts.
Pastor Jeff: I understand that. Here's a cool fact for ya. A lot of famous scientists believed in God. Isaac Newton. Albert Einstein. Even Charles Darwin.
Sheldon: So Darwin's right about God and wrong about evolution?
Pastor Jeff: Now you're gettin' it. Let's give it up for Sheldon, everybody. What a good sport.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Mary: [to Sheldon] Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Pastor Jeff: Oh, and tell Sheldon I spoke to my seminary professor, and the official ruling is: God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls.
Praise Jesus!

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Pastor Jeff: Now this might be hard to understand, but living a loving, Christian life isn't always the easiest thing to do. Yes, Billy.
Billy Sparks: My mom's not crazy about you either.
Pastor Jeff: Just love your neighbor, 'kay? [SNIFFS]

Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

Sheldon: Did you know when the Bible says "the Word", they're translating the Greek expression "logos", and logos means knowledge.
Pastor Jeff: Sounds like someone has a noggin full of "logos".

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mare, what's up? Other than the big guy. [laughs] God joke.

Quote from the episode A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

Pastor Jeff: And now, why don't we take a moment to pray, uh, keeping in mind that our prayers should not be for our own benefit, but for our family, friends, fellow Texans, Americans of all races and religions and the world. Well, most of the world. Y'all know what countries to pick.

Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

Pastor Jeff: Who's feeling brave? Missy.
Missy: I'll go second.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Does anybody want to go first?

Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey

Pastor Jeff: I don't know if you've heard, but our church secretary, Elizabeth Sohinki, is currently seeking treatment for a little problem with shall we say "under-the-counter" medications.
Mary: Oh, so that rumor's true.
Pastor Jeff: Mm-hmm.
Mary: Well, she did always seem extremely alert.
Pastor Jeff: Alert, shaky, sweaty.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Pastor Jeff: You all right, Mare?
Mary: No, not really. Um. I can't stop thinking about that little girl.
Pastor Jeff: I understand. That's why it's important in these times to take comfort in our faith.
Mary: What if that's not doing the trick?
Pastor Jeff: Events like this can certainly create doubt. It happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.
Mary: What do you do?
Pastor Jeff: I roll up my sleeves and I work even harder at serving our Lord. Mary, we each have a relationship with God, and relationships take work. Get out there. Help the needy, start a Bible study, hug a stranger and tell 'em the Lord loves 'em. [CHUCKLES] But not a child; that backfires on you, big-time.

Quote from the episode A Math Emergency and Perky Palms

Pastor Jeff: The Walker couple is coming in for counseling.
Mary: If you rescheduled, I'm sure they'd understand.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, what if you did it?
Mary: Marriage counseling? Don't you need some sort of training for that?
Pastor Jeff: Nah, you just listen, uh, give 'em a couple prayers, send 'em on their way.

Quote from the episode A Math Emergency and Perky Palms

Mary: Okay, if you really want me to.
Pastor Jeff: I do. In fact, for the rest of the day, you're in charge. All right? The bulletins, the palms, it's all you.
Mary: Well, all right, um, but only if you promise to go home and get some rest.
Pastor Jeff: Sure. Home, movie theater, food court, somewhere.