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51Quotes from ‘A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom’

A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom

105. A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom

Aired November 23, 2017

When Sheldon helps his father use statistics to improve the performance of the high school football team, his popularity at school soars.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Fourth down.
George Sr.: Gotta punt.
Missy: Gotta.
Sheldon: Statistically, always punting on fourth down makes no sense.
George Jr.: Statistically, you're a dumbass.

Quote from Missy

Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to calculate the odds of the Dolphins covering the spread next Sunday.
Missy: I like dolphins. They talk out of that hole in their head.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Tam: You're not?
Sheldon: I was touched 82 times this afternoon.
Tam: What do you mean, "touched"?
Sheldon: Not inappropriately. Joyfully. Affectionately. A cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.
Tam: That's amazing. [goes to high five Sheldon]
Sheldon: No more high fives. I can't keep washing my hands.

Quote from Tam

Tam: Hey, I've been looking all over for you. Do you know how popular we are?
Sheldon: We?
Tam: Yeah. I put the word out I was helping you with the football stats. And since I'm Asian, they bought it.

Quote from Sheldon

Tam: Are you okay?
Sheldon: No, I'm not. [slides over his paper]
Tam: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: A B-plus that's the beginning of the end.
Tam: The end of what?
Sheldon: My life. If I don't make some changes, who knows how far I'll fall. I could wind up a drug addict, or a lawyer.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: I got you a present. Thought it might help with your figures.
Sheldon: I don't need a calculator, Dad. I am one.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: How come Mom's not taking me to school?
George Sr.: 'Cause once in a while, your dad wants to spend some time with you. My little Shel-man.
Sheldon: But Mom's car has a backseat. Statistically, I'm much safer there.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Hey, I'm glad you brought up statistically. You think those numbers you talked about for Texas A&M would apply to my JV squad?
Sheldon: I don't see why not. Unlike our former principal, math doesn't discriminate.

Quote from Meemaw

Missy: Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.
Meemaw: Sleep, child!

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: I got something for you.
Sheldon: It's dirty.
George Sr.: Well, that's 'cause it's the game ball. And you earned it, 'cause you helped us win.
Sheldon: Okay, but can you wash it?
Mary: Sheldon, your daddy's telling you he's proud of you.
Sheldon: I see. Thank you, Dad.
George Sr.: You're welcome.
Sheldon: I'm still never touching that.
Mary: Let's go wipe it off.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Hey! There's my little Moonpie. Did you get a chance to look at this week's games for me?
Sheldon: Not yet.
Meemaw: You understand there's a little time crunch involved? Meemaw's got some outstanding loans I need to pay back.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I have to finish my homework and then I have to help my dad.
Meemaw: Come on. I'm your meemaw. I make you cookies. How 'bout a little quid pro quo?
Sheldon: As much as I enjoy your use of Latin, no.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In Texas, the Holy Trinity is God, football and barbeque, not necessarily in that order.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: You think Sheldon's right?
Mary: About what?
George Sr.: The punting and the math.
Mary: I should think so. He's been doing our taxes since he's six years old. We never been audited.
George Sr.: That's true.
Mary: He even got us that nice refund last year.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I hope that doesn't wake up the kids.
George Sr.: Should I go over there and say something?
Mary: I think you should.
George Sr.: I was bluffin'. Don't make me put my socks back on.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Remind me to tell you about the tax refund I got from the IRS.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: It's solar-powered. Can you imagine that?

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hey. Got to go pick up some equipment for the team; you want to join me?
George Jr.: Can't. I'm grounded.
George Sr.: Yeah, well I won't tell if you won't.
George Jr.: Sheldon going?
George Sr.: That little snitch? Absolutely not.
George Jr.: Sheldon still gonna help you with the math?
George Sr.: I don't think so. But I did hear his little Asian friend can do it.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Meemaw: So Oilers are a four-point favorite for this Sunday's game, but it's a home game, so I'm thinking I give the points. What do you think?
Sheldon: I think I have to tell on you again.
Meemaw: Go ahead. What's your mama gonna do, ground me?
Sheldon: Take the Oilers, give the points.
Meemaw: I love you, Moonpie.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Is it your dentist? The little guy with the glasses? You can tell me.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I got to tell you, I'm a little worried about my mother. She keeps betting on these football games, next thing you know, there's an Italian fella driving off with her pickup truck.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Can I ask you a favor?
Sheldon: Sure. What?
Meemaw: You know those statistics that you were talking about with your dad? Could could that be applied to, say, who might win the Cowboys-Packers game next week? And, more specifically, by how much?
Sheldon: I suppose with enough data I could make a reasonable guess.
Meemaw: I don't want a guess, I want to know.

Quote from Sheldon

Tam: Hello.
Sheldon: Tam? What are you doing here?
Tam: Would you like to go to a party with me?
Sheldon: I don't want to go to a party with anyone.

Quote from Tam

Tam: How's puberty treating you? Because it is knocking me for a loop.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Somehow, my parents didn't find out about me partying heartily. But I did pay a price for burning the candle at both ends. I made a mistake on a math test. In my exhaustion, I did all the calculations in my head, and, like a common zoo animal, forgot to show my work.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Extricating myself from this situation was not going to be easy. My father was counting on me, Meemaw was counting on me, the school was counting on me. After much thought, I decided to employ the one strategic maneuver I knew I could count on. I tattled.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You're not thinking about taking his advice, are you?
George Sr.: Never you mind.
George Jr.: But he's wrong. Everybody knows you punt on fourth down.
Sheldon: Why does everybody knowing something make it right?
George Jr.: Because. That's what makes this country great.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Many years later, my brother would use this same argument in front of a judge. He was still convicted for urinating in a phone booth.

Quote from Mary

Mary: (to the guy who doubted Sheldon's tactics) Oh, booyah!

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: For the next five weeks, I continued to help my father apply statistics to coach his team. Not surprisingly, they continued to win, which changed my status in the school dramatically. It was a nightmare. Hugging, hair tousling, high fives. And as my popularity grew, so did my time aloft.

Quote from Mary

Tam: Good evening, Mrs. Cooper. Can I speak to Sheldon?
Mary: No, you can't speak to Sheldon. It's late. He's in bed.
Tam: Oh. I was hoping he might like to go to a party with me.
Mary: Has everyone lost their mind? He's a little boy, Tam! Good night!

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Good Lord, that mouth of yours is a machine gun tonight.

Quote from Missy

Tam: Why are you wearing that?
Missy: It makes me look older.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I don't care if you win, just cover the damn spread.
Mary: Mom, are you betting again?
Meemaw: No.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: When the Aggies give up the ball on their own five-yard line, the opposing team has a 92% chance of scoring. When they punt from deep in their own territory, the other team still has a 77% chance of scoring. But since they convert on fourth down 50% of the time, the math says they should never punt again.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Sheldon, I've been playing and coaching football all my life. I don't think your math is right.
Sheldon: Really? Hang on. [thinks for a second] No, it's right.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Let's go for it.
Assistant Coach Wilkins: Why? We got plenty of time.
George Sr.: I know. Still want to go for it.
Assistant Coach Wilkins: We're on the 12-yard line. Everybody know you punt.
George Sr.: Why does everybody knowing something make it right?

Quote from Mary

Gerome: What the hell? Punt!
Mary: Statistically, they're better off going for it.
Gerome: Says who?
Mary: My little boy.

Quote from Mary

Gerome: Your little boy's a real genius.
Mary: Well, actually he is.

Quote from Assistant Coach Wilkins

Assistant Coach Wilkins: I never had any doubt, Coach. Never had any doubt.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: You have any more, uh, arithmetic ideas for next week's game?
Sheldon: I do, but I'm trying to finish my homework.
George Sr.: Ah. Looks complicated.
Sheldon: Advanced chemistry. It's not.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Georgie, turn that down!
George Jr.: What?
Mary: (turns off the music) And look at this room. You need to clean this mess up.
George Jr.: I'll get to it later.
Mary: No, you'll get to it now.
George Jr.: I don't feel like it.
Mary: Well, your feelings have nothing to do with it. And stop throwing that ball.
George Jr.: My room bothers you so much, you clean it.
Mary: That's it! You are grounded!

Quote from Mary

Mary: Shelly, time to get ready for bed.
Sheldon: But I'm not done.
Mary: Don't you sass me, too, young man. Brush your teeth and get to bed.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I think your anger might be a little misdirected.
Mary: Don't you start with me either.
Meemaw: Now, see, you're still shootin' wide.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I feel bad about yelling at Georgie.
George Sr.: He deserved it. You should do it more.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I think he's feeling left out now that you and Sheldon are spending so much time together.
George Sr.: Are you kiddin' me? You're always saying to find something in common with Sheldon. And now that I have, you're telling me I'm ignoring Georgie?
Mary: I'm not saying that. I'm just reminding you that you got two sons.
George Sr.: I know. I also got a daughter I need to spend more time with.
Mary: You do. But I wouldn't worry about her. She's an angel.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Starting today, I'm done helping the football team.
Tam: But if you do that, girls will no longer greet me like this. [head
Sheldon: I'll greet you like that.
Tam: It's not the same.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: For the record, the Oilers lost that game by four touchdowns. Meemaw never asked for my advice again.

Quote from Meemaw

Vincent: How you doin' there, Connie?
Meemaw: Hey, Vincent. What brings you to Louisiana? Wait, don't tell me. You're here to see Tony Orlando.
Vincent: 'Fraid not.
Meemaw: Oh, well, you ought to check him out. He'll, uh, knock your socks off.
Vincent: I like my socks on.

Quote from Meemaw

Vincent: Connie, you're putting me in a very awkward position.
Meemaw: I won a toaster oven playing keno. You want it?
Vincent: I got one. I want my money.
Meemaw: All right. Hang on. That's a very nice jacket. You're looking dapper. Ah. Hey, they comp my room here. They do that for you?
Vincent: Actually, they frown upon my presence here.
Meemaw: Oh. I also get a coupon for the breakfast buffet. You should look into that.

Quote from Meemaw

Vincent: Constance!
Meemaw: Patience, Vincenzo. [slot machine pays out] Yes! Oh! All right, now we're talking. Will you take a down payment in quarters?
Vincent: Do I have a choice?
Meemaw: Start scoopin'. I got to go see Tony Orlando.

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