President Hagemeyer: Okay, so, what's the problem?
Sheldon: I wanted to talk with Dr. Linkletter about puberty.
Dr. Linkletter: And I wanted to avoid litigation.

Dr. Linkletter: [on answer phone] Connie, Grant Linkletter. Wonderful seeing you tonight.
Meemaw: Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Linkletter: Hope you enjoyed our little book club. If you'd ever like to discuss it further, I know the perfect Italian café. The cannolis are resplendent.
Meemaw: Resplendent! [chuckles] [machine beeps]
Dr. John Sturgis: [on answer phone] Connie! John Sturgis here.
Meemaw: What a surprise.
Dr. John Sturgis: It was so nice to have you at our book club. When it comes to science fiction, those things can be real sausage parties. Anyhoo, if you're free next week, I was wondering if you'd like to... [Meemaw skips to the next message]
Dr. Linkletter: Grant Linkletter again. If you don't like Italian, I also know a sublime Vietnamese spot. Have you ever tried Bún Boò Hue? [machine beeps]
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know why I said "sausage party." There was probably a better way to phrase that. [machine beeps]
Dr. Linkletter: Connie, Grant Linkletter...

Meemaw: [on the phone] But I want to be clear, this is just one of those... Whatcha call it... Uh, platonic things. We're just having dinner.
Dr. Linkletter: I'll take it. Now, would you prefer a restaurant or some good home cooking? I make seven kinds of soup.
Meemaw: I think I'll just stick with a restaurant.
Dr. Linkletter: Fair enough, but one day, you'll try my mushroom barley, and your taste buds will swoon.
Meemaw: Good night, Grant. [starts to put down phone]
Dr. Linkletter: The secret is how long I cook the onions.

Meemaw: So... this is unexpected.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I know you like margaritas, so my first thought was a Mexican restaurant.
Meemaw: Good thought.
Dr. Linkletter: But I assumed other men had come to that same conclusion.
Meemaw: They have.
Dr. Linkletter: Which led me to Polynesian fare. I like to think of the Mai Tai as the margarita of the South Pacific.
Meemaw: You don't do anything on a whim, do you?
Dr. Linkletter: Did once, didn't like it.

Sheldon: Too bad there's not a comic book database so I could search through it and find what I'm looking for.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, CERN has something similar. You can search a database of scientific papers.
Sheldon: But there's no database for comic books.
Dr. Linkletter: You should make one. Somewhere else.
Sheldon: Mmm, sounds like a lot of work.
Dr. Linkletter: Or does it sound like a lot of fun? Go find out.
Sheldon: Do you want to do it with me?
Dr. Linkletter: Only if you share credit, and my name comes first.
Sheldon: Never mind. [exits]
Dr. Linkletter: I knew that would work.

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, thank you for coming in. I want to apologize for our little tiff earlier.
Sheldon: You're forgiven.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh. Great. I found something that might be of interest to you. An authentic signature from Richard Feynman.
Sheldon: Where did you get this?
Dr. Linkletter: Details aren't important.
Sheldon: Is this a restraining order?
Dr. Linkletter: Not important.
Sheldon: That's actually a really good way to get autographs. I'll have to keep that in mind.

Sheldon: Now, about the telescope room, I was watching Star Trek and it got me thinking...
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, searching for life on other planets isn't serious science. Leave that to the tinfoil hat brigade.
Sheldon: But statistically, given the number of stars and planets, it's likely we could find one capable of supporting life. And if we did, it would be the greatest scientific discovery of all time.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, and if I had fruit on my head, I'd be Carmen Miranda.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with that reference.
Dr. Linkletter: She sang and danced with fruit on her head.
Sheldon: Why would she have fruit on her head?
Dr. Linkletter: I don't know, in case she got hungry. It's not gonna happen, Sheldon!

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I need to talk to you.
Dr. Linkletter: Are we in my office?
Sheldon: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Then these are not my office hours.
Sheldon: Are you using my love of schedules against me?
Dr. Linkletter: [chuckles] Oh, yes.
Sheldon: Well done.

Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, Sheldon, I do have some news. I reached out to a colleague who's doing a summer research program at the University of Heidelberg, and I think I can get you in.
Sheldon: Heidelberg, Germany?
Dr. Linkletter: A summer program 5,000 miles away. Only a fool would say no to that.
Sheldon: Well, that would certainly help my grad school applications.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, and they're doing exciting work on superstrings.
Sheldon: Fantastisch. That's German for "fantastic."
Dr. Linkletter: Ich helfe dir beim packen. That's German for "I'll help you pack."

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Linkletter: I heard you're raising money to study in Germany. Is that true?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm not having any luck.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, your luck's about to change. Here's one week of my pay.
Sheldon: Wow, thank you.
Dr. Linkletter: Mm. Whatever it takes to get you on that plane. I also passed the hat in the faculty lounge.
Sheldon: I don't know what to say.
Dr. Linkletter: I do. Auf Wiedersehen, you little rascal. [chuckles]

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I need to talk to you.
Dr. Linkletter: Great.
Sheldon: Do you think you could get me access to the telescope room? I want to search for exoplanets that could support life.
Dr. Linkletter: Are you feeling homesick?
Sheldon: Are you implying that I'm from another planet?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Sheldon: Compliment accepted.

Sheldon: Can we get back to the book?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, Connie, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on it.
Meemaw: I think I've said my piece.
Sheldon: I have some thoughts.
Dr. Linkletter: And we'll get to those in due time. Don't you think Asimov did a remarkable job of capturing the poetic terror of the coming darkness?
Meemaw: I'm not sure I got that.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, listen to this. "Dusk, like a palpable entity, entered the room, and the dancing circle of yellow lights about the torches etched itself into ever-sharper distinction against the gathering grayness beyond." [Meemaw and John are silent]
Sheldon: Powerful.
Dr. Linkletter: Wasn't it?
[Meemaw shrugs her shoulders]

Dr. Linkletter: [on the phone with a restaurant] Yes, two people at 8:00.
Sheldon: 8:00's a little late for Meemaw.
Dr. Linkletter: What time does she like to eat?
Sheldon: Well, she's old like you, so 6:30 at the latest.
Dr. Linkletter: Can we make that 6:30? Wonderful. Hold on. Does she like French food? [Sheldon gives a thumbs down] I'll call you back.
Sheldon: Anyway, Commander Data...
Dr. Linkletter: Let me ask you a question, if this Commander Data were taking your meemaw out for dinner, where would they go?
Sheldon: Almost certainly the holodeck.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds trendy. Is that in Houston?

Dr. John Sturgis: I heard Sheldon is working with Prakash.
Dr. Linkletter: Yeah, poor Prakash.
Dr. John Sturgis: [chuckles] Sheldon can be a bit much sometimes, but you have to admit he has a remarkable mind.
Dr. Linkletter: As he will be the first to tell you.
Dr. John Sturgis: [chuckling] I actually miss him.
Dr. Linkletter: I suppose things are a bit more lively when he's around.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wouldn't it be something if he really did find life on other planets?
Dr. Linkletter: He would immediately become the most famous scientist in the history of mankind. [John chuckles and walks off] Where are you going?
Dr. John Sturgis: Just to see if he needs any help.
Dr. Linkletter: Wait, I'll come with you.

Sheldon: [sighs] Come on, Cooper.
Dr. Linkletter: See? He's been here since this morning. He won't leave.
Dr. John Sturgis: What do you want me to do?
Dr. Linkletter: Get him to leave.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you're both here. This will go faster with three of us.
Dr. Linkletter: Now, do it! Give him the boot.

Meemaw: So... what's going on at work?
Dr. Linkletter: I don't want to bore you with science talk.
Meemaw: No, no, I'm interested.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. We're in a race with the Finnish team to see who can correct the unification of the leptons. As you can imagine, the world waits anxiously while we see who crosses the finish line first.
Meemaw: So, the Finnish may be at the finish line?
Dr. Linkletter: [laughing] Oh, you're witty, too. More cheese to bait the trap.
Meemaw: Maybe we should order dinner.
Dr. Linkletter: Nonsense, there's food right here. Pineapple, prickly on the outside, but beautiful inside, just like you.

Meemaw: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Connie. Grant Linkletter.
Meemaw: Hello, Grant. What can I do for you?
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I looked at my calendar and realized it's been six weeks since I last asked you out, so I thought I'd give it another shot.
Meemaw: You ask me out every six weeks?
Dr. Linkletter: Used to be nine, but we're not getting any younger.

Dr. Linkletter: You're not gonna believe this, but I don't go on a lot of dates.
Meemaw: No.
Dr. Linkletter: It's true. Sure, I did okay as a younger man, but there was a war on and most of the able-bodied men were elsewhere.
Meemaw: So, you sowed some oats, I get it.
Dr. Linkletter: A whole field of them. I was the Johnny Appleseed of oats.
Meemaw: Okay.
Dr. Linkletter: [laughs] But here's the thing. Once you put off matrimony past a certain point, women start to think of you as... What's the word?
Meemaw: Creepy?
Dr. Linkletter: There it is. And then along comes you, my little Texas firecracker, playing the game of life by her own set of rules.
Meemaw: I'm a firecracker, I'm a pineapple... Good for me.

Sheldon: But I'm trying to get out of the house on Sunday.
Dr. Linkletter: Why?
Sheldon: The father and the brother of the woman my brother impregnated are coming over to watch sports with my brother and my father.
Dr. Linkletter: So you're trying to avoid a male bonding experience?
Sheldon: At all cost.
Dr. Linkletter: You know, son, as scientists, we're often teamed with people that we don't know. The ability to bond and build relationships, that's- that's an essential skill.
Sheldon: So you're suggesting I use this gathering as an opportunity to better those skills?
Dr. Linkletter: Exactly.
Sheldon: Very well. I'll give it a go.

Dr. Linkletter: It's open.
Sheldon: Hello. [Dr. Linkletter groans] I was wondering if I could have access to the lab on Sunday.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not here on Sunday.
Sheldon: Where will you be?
Dr. Linkletter: If I tell you that, you might go there.
Sheldon: Well, I told you where I'll be: the lab.