George: And Sheldon's fine. You know what he's like. If someone took him, I'm sure they'll bring him right back.

Sheldon: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George: I guess. Why?
Sheldon: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George: Not at all.
Sheldon: Why?
George: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George: At all costs.

Georgie: A bill? Really?
George: Room and board, buddy.
Georgie: $50 a month for food?
George: The way you eat, I should've gone $50 a week.
Georgie: Laundry services?
George: Your poor mother has to touch your underwear.
Georgie: What's the $10 a month "peema" charge?
George: Oh, P-I-M-A, that's a "Pain in My Ass" tax. My way of getting compensated for you taking years off my life.

Sheldon: There's going to be a lecture on carbon dating at the Natural Science Museum on Saturday. Who would like to take me?
George: You know what? I'd be happy to.
Meemaw: What happened to helping me at my yard sale?
George: Ooh, is that this Saturday? I'm sorry. I'm taking him to a lecture on, uh what is it? Carbonation?
Sheldon: Carbon dating. A method of determining the age of artifacts and fossils.
George: Hey, we could use that to figure out how old your grandma is.
Sheldon: That won't work. You can't carbon-date something that's alive.
George: Well, then, we'll just chop her down and count the rings.
Meemaw: Oh, George, did my "lump of clay" remark strike a nerve?
George: A little.

George: You mind putting down my kid?
Clint Watson: We were just playing around.
Veronica: This is my mom's boyfriend, Clint.
George: Hello, Clint. What can we do for you?
Clint Watson: I'm here to pick up Veronica. Come on.
George: You want to go with this man?
Veronica: No, sir.
George: You heard her. Thanks for stopping by.
Clint Watson: You really want to mess with me?
George: Sure. Why not?
[THUDDING OUTSIDE]
Mary: What's going on out there?
George: You might want to call the police.
Mary: Why?
George: There's a bum sleeping on our front porch.

George: Thanks, Herschel. That does my heart good.
Herschel Sparks: So I guess you got two geniuses in the family.
George: Guess I do.
Herschel Sparks: Who knows, maybe Missy'll make it three.
George: Or it's two.

Mary: Anyway, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it is demons, so it's in your purview.
Pastor Jeff: It is indeed. In fact, at a recent Young Baptist Leaders Conference, I attended a seminar on satanic leisure activities.
Mary: And?
Pastor Jeff: And the important lesson is, rather than have a parent or authority figure take the offending game away, let God remove it, root and stem.
Meemaw: Question, PJ. Uh, how's the big guy do that?
Pastor Jeff: Simple, Sheldon needs to start attending Sunday school. If he likes books with demons and devils, I've got one that will blow his mind.
George: What book is that?
Mary: The Bible, George.
George: Sure, yeah.

Mary: I can't believe this.
George: No good?
Mary: It's awful. It makes sin seem like a good thing.
George: Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing, nobody would do it.
Mary: George, please, I'm in no mood.
George: Hey. Wrath. That's one of the seven sins, right?
Mary: Pastor Jeff gave me this project because he knew I'd be best at it. Now Gene Lundy is taking over.
George: Oh, look, pride. And envy. Don't stop. Four sins to go. I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight.

Georgie: Should I be wearing all that?
Sheldon: I recommend it. Those rocks are filthy.
Georgie: I'm good. God made dirt. Dirt don't hurt.

George: I don't want this woman in my house anymore.
Mary: She is my mother.
George: She is the devil.

George: What's going on? You all right?
Mary: I'm not feeling great.
George: Is it a pregnant thing? 'Cause I got some good news on that. I got a decent raise.
Mary: It doesn't matter.
George: What do you mean it doesn't matter? We can pull this off now.
Mary: I lost the baby.
George: Oh.
Mary: You're probably relieved, huh?
George: Actually no. I love the first three. Fourth one's a charm, right?

Georgie: You know spying on kids is creepy.
George: I wasn't spying on kids, I was s-spying on your brother.
Georgie: Why won't you just go inside?
George: Well, then, it wouldn't be spying, now would it?

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

George: What the hell were you doing out there?
Mary: George, language.
George: What language?

Mary: You're a good dad.
George: If I don't kill one of them before Sunday, I'm a good dad.

Principal Petersen: Guess what I've been getting a lot of calls about today.
George: I know it looks bad, but we're handling it. It-It'll all blow over.
Principal Petersen: I'm sorry, George, but I can't have a suspected communist coaching our boys.
George: Whoa, Tom. I'm not I love my country. This is just Sheldon getting bent out of shape over a loaf of bread.
Principal Petersen: Well, this bread better be worth you losing your job.
George: Now, hang on. G-Give me a chance to fix it. Please.
Principal Petersen: All right, George. But if I hear from one more angry parent-
George: Thank you. Thank you. [PHONE RINGS] He's not here.

Meemaw: I bowled a new high score last night.
George: Nice.
Meemaw: I got two turkeys.
Missy: What's a turkey?
Meemaw: It's three strikes in a row.
Missy: Why do they call it a turkey?
Meemaw: Well, when they first invented bowling, they used to just throw frozen turkeys at the pins. Eventually, they switched to balls to cut down on the smell.
George: Why you lying to her?
Meemaw: I find it keeps my mind sharp.

Meemaw: [on the phone] So John, I hear you're going camping this weekend.
Dr. John Sturgis: I am.
Meemaw: With the guy I'm dating.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. It was so nice of him to let me tag along.
Meemaw: And don't you think that's gonna be a little awkward?
Dr. John Sturgis: No more awkward than any other social situation I find myself in. I'm making my, uh, homemade GORP. Good old raisins and peanuts. I'll have to give you the recipe.
Meemaw: I think I can figure it out.

George: Looks like your house is okay.
Meemaw: You were just worried I might have to come live with you.
George: Oh, I think the word you're looking for is "terrified".

George: What's happening?
Mary: We are leaving for the bluebonnet picture at 4:00. Don't be late.
George: Wouldn't miss it. Hey, you want a ride to school?
Missy: Nah, I'll take the bus.
George: Suit yourself. See y'all later.
[Sheldon doesn't look up from his bowl of cereal.]
Mary: Four o'clock.
[George nods and leaves]