[Church board says "Jesus Exorcises Every Day."]
Sheldon: Did you write that?
Mary: You betcha.
Sheldon: Instead of puns, have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. For example, "Do geese see God?" Trust me. Both ways.
Mary: Come inside.
Sheldon: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. That's a funny word. Kayak. Never get me in one.

Pastor Jeff: For so many months, our little parish has been struggling financially. But by the grace of God and his provision, we have received the most donations in church history! Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus!
Sheldon: So it's all Jesus, we don't get any credit?
Missy: We need to start our own church.
Sheldon: They don't pay taxes. It's a very sound business model.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, George, I can't thank you enough for this.
George Jr.: It was our pleasure.

George Sr.: So, tough times, huh?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George Sr.: Yeah. Hey, uh, does the Bible say anything about heartache and such?
Pastor Jeff: Psalm 147, verse three: "The Lord healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."
George Sr.: Well, there you go-eth.

Sheldon: Okay. Who's next?
Missy: Wendy and Bill Mackenzie.
Sheldon: Of Mackenzie Chevrolet? Now those are what we call "deep pockets."

George Sr.: Hey, I haven't seen the pastor. He go home?
Mary: He hasn't come out of Georgie's room.
George Sr.: Maybe he found Georgie's magazines.
Mary: He's a man of God.
George Sr.: You're adorable.

Dr. John Sturgis: It's my first time going to a casino.
Meemaw: It's amazing. There's bright lights and bells and buzzers and people yelling.
Dr. John Sturgis and Sheldon: Ugh.
[Meemaw and Missy look at each other]

Meemaw: You see, God and I have a deal. And when he helps me win big at the casino, I give him a cut. And lately, he has not been holding up his part of the bargain.

George Sr.: What's the occasion?
Mary: No occasion, just thought it'd be nice.
George Sr.: His wife coming, too?
Mary: No. Just him.
George Sr.: They having problems?
Mary: He's just coming to dinner. That's all.
Missy: You two having problems?
George Sr.: Are we?
Mary: No.
Missy: Pastor Jeff's wife is so much prettier than him. It's like Barbie married a turtle.

Sheldon: [choking] There's lemon in this water.

Sheldon: Oh, I couldn't tell you how much to give. But I can tell you the Stuckeys stepped up for a thousand dollars. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, you need to give what's comfortable for you. And of course, I don't need to remind you, it's entirely tax deductible. [Missy whispers in Sheldon's ear] And at the next pancake breakfast, you can hold your head high. Thank you.
That's very generous. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] The pancake line closed it.
Missy: We are so going to heaven.

Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis and I are going to Louisiana, do a little gambling.
Sheldon: So a donation could be forth coming?
Meemaw: Don't jinx me.

Mr. Givens: Oh, man. How great is this place without kids in it?
Ms. Ingram: I heard that.

George Jr.: Veronica says I'm the nicest guy she knows. She also says she only wants to date nice guys. Does that mean she wants to date me?
Pastor Jeff: I bet she doesn't.
George Jr.: No, she does not. Doesn't make any sense.
Pastor Jeff: Nothing they do makes any sense.

Pastor Jeff: Except I'm feeling kicked in the nethers right now, and he sure is taking his sweet time with the healing.
George Sr.: He takes his sweet time about a lot of things. Uh, not that I'm complaining. You know, his will, not mine, et cetera.

George Sr.: You know, one thing I can say is that having a happy marriage is it's hard work.
Pastor Jeff: Oh, I know. As the pastor, people come to me with relationship problems all the time.
George Sr.: Bet you hear some juicy ones, huh?
Pastor Jeff: "Juicy" doesn't begin to describe it.
George Sr.: Oh, give me a sample.
Pastor Jeff: I can't. There's strict pastor-flock confidentiality.
George Sr.: Sure. Sure.
Pastor Jeff: Mm.
George Sr.: Mary doesn't tell you things about us, does she?
Pastor Jeff: I'm not at liberty to say.
George Sr.: But she does, doesn't she?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George Sr.: Yeah.

Pastor Jeff: I have this feeling inside that I should head home.
Mary: Well, then you got to honor that feeling, that's God.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. You want to come with?
Mary: Do you really want me there while you patch things up with your wife?
Pastor Jeff: She's less likely to throw any steak knives if we have company.
Mary: Um, if you think it'll help, I suppose-
Pastor Jeff: Great, let's hit it.

Sheldon: Oh, hello, is this the Nelson residence? Oh, good. I'm Sheldon Cooper, the executive assistant secretary at the First Baptist Church of Medford. I'm looking through our donation records, and I've noticed that you've tapered off a bit. Well, yes, your children's education is expensive, but so is running a church. Oh, boy! I'll be sure to tell the pastor. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] That earned a sip of Yoo-hoo.

Pastor Jeff: "Life is too short to be married to a loser. I'm leaving you. Love, Selena."
Mary: "Love, Selena"? Well, that's kind of a mixed message.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, I hate to say this, but I think it's time for me to move on. I thought even as a teenager, I'd been called to preach the word of God, but maybe that was just my ego. Maybe I'm not meant to do this.
Mary: Don't say that. You're a great preacher.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. But it's clear. I need to trod a new path.
Mary: Well, what would you do? Trodding wise.
Pastor Jeff: I don't know. Maybe work with my hands amongst men, on an oil rig, or a fishing trawler. I also know how to blow glass. I could turn a pretty penny at swap meets.

Missy: Tell you what, Jody. Why don't you go upstairs to your daddy's bedroom, and see how much is in his wallet? Don't worry, it's not stealing if it's for God.

George Sr.: What are y'all up to?
Sheldon: Just helping Mom with some church work.
George Sr.: Well, aren't you two great kids.
Missy: We like to think so.

Dr. John Sturgis: May I ask you a personal question?
Meemaw: Sure.
Dr. John Sturgis: Does your gambling constitute a problem?
Meemaw: Not today. Bam! Come on. Let me take you out to dinner.
Dr. John Sturgis: Don't forget that you promised Sheldon if you won, you'd donate to the church.
Meemaw: You want to see me get cranky again?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I don't.
Meemaw: Well, let's go strap on some bibs and eat lobster.

George Jr.: Honestly, I do not understand the female mind.
Mary: Do something.
George Sr.: Georgie, why don't you go eat dinner in front of the TV?
Pastor Jeff: No, it's all right. Sounds like Georgie's having trouble navigating the perilous waters of a relationship. Believe me, I can understand.
George Jr.: You having problems with your hot wife?
George Sr.: Maybe I'll go eat by the TV.

Adult Sheldon: A few times a year, there was a dedicated day where my school was closed.
This allowed the teachers to catch up on their administrative duties. While I was normally against a break from learning, I did applaud the Medford faculty's commitment to our education.

Sheldon: So what's the plan? How will I be entertained all day?
Mary: I thought you could be my little helper.
Sheldon: I prefer executive assistant. Carries more weight.

Mary: Good morning, Peg.
Peg: Any morning you wake up is a good morning.

Peg: Hey, little man. How you doing?
Sheldon: You smell like cigarettes.
Peg: You're fun.
Sheldon: Do you know what this binder is?
Peg: It's a record of donations people make to the church.
Sheldon: This data could easily be transferred into a computerized spreadsheet. Why isn't it?
Peg: No idea.
Sheldon: You also smell like mothballs and Ben-Gay. [Peg turns and walks away] Bye.

George Sr.: They area weird-looking couple.
Mary: You want to eat at my mom's, too?
George Sr.: Oh, come on. You got eyes.

George Sr.: So, uh, who do you think the Oilers are gonna take in the draft?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, I don't really follow sports.
George Sr.: I'm just gonna eat.

Mary: I thought you were hanging out with Veronica tonight.
George Jr.: We were supposed to, but then she invited a bunch of her choir friends over, and it turned into a stupid Bible study. No offense.
Pastor Jeff: None taken.

Missy: "Steak aw poyverwith fritties"?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's French.
Missy: Oh. What's a crock monster?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's croque monsieur, and it's really just a grilled cheese sandwich with ham.
Missy: I want that.

Mary: Pastor Jeff? Everything all right in there?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, yeah. I've just been praying, napping, crying. I like to mix it up.

Sheldon: Meemaw, I've been going through the church records, and I noticed you haven't made a donation in quite a long time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why are you going through the records?
Sheldon: I'm an executive assistant.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good for you.

Mary: Pastor, would you like to lead us in grace?
Pastor Jeff: I'd be honored. Heavenly Father, thank you for this food. I pray that it nourishes and strengthens us, and bless Mary for preparing it. And thank you for the Coopers who have invited me into their loving home. They are a shining example of what a marriage can be.
One that I hope to have again someday.
Mary: Amen.
Pastor Jeff: And please give me the strength-
Mary: Sorry.
Pastor Jeff: The strength to walk this road with unconditional love and joy in my heart. Amen.

Missy: I'm liking my crock monster.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mmm. Me, too.
Sheldon: I can't taste anything after the lemon water.

Mary: I'm surprised you're here this morning.
George Jr.: Hey. I got to support my pal.

Officer Robbin: Are you his wife?
Mary: Oh, no, I'm church secretary. He's actually single.
Pastor Jeff: Well, technically-
Mary: He's single.

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: "Mom" is also a palindrome. M-O-M.

George Sr.: At least he's not crying anymore.

Pastor Jeff: We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.
Mary: In the '50s, people had separate beds. Lucy and Ricky did it. Their marriage worked.

Mary: I-I'm sure it's just a rough patch.
Pastor Jeff: Boy, I hope so.
Mary: Well, if there's any way I can make your life easier, you let me know.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you, Mary. I really appreciate it.
Mary: Oh, I almost forgot, um, Sheldon's here with me today.
Pastor Jeff: [unenthusiastic] Great.

George Jr.: What's he doing here? Y'all getting a divorce?
Mary: No. No, he's just here for dinner.
George Jr.: Oh. Welcome, Your Holiness.

Mary: Ooh. Big TV, fancy.

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie I found an old-fashioned malt shop where we can have milkshakes and listen to the jukebox, like I never did in high school.

Mary: I hope you don't mind, I invited Pastor Jeff for dinner.
Missy: That's fine.
Mary: I was talking to your father.

Mary: So, Pastor, are you gonna try and talk things out with Selena?
Pastor Jeff: Well, we're really not on speaking terms, so I'll just be heading back to my office, sleep on the couch.
George Jr.: That's ridiculous. He can stay with us, can't he?
George Sr.: Uh, I guess that'd be okay.
Mary: Of course it would.
Pastor Jeff: Oh. I couldn't possibly impose.
George Jr.: Sure you could. In fact, you can take my room.
Pastor Jeff: Well, y'all are too kind.

Mary: George.
George Sr.: What? What's wrong?
Mary: The pastor's up making tea.
George Sr.: What, you want me to blow on it?

Dr. John Sturgis: I must say, uh this is a side of you I've never seen before.
Meemaw: You're all right with it, aren't you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, sure. When are you gonna give that man your $50?
Meemaw: Don't worry about it. Hit me.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a little worried.

Dr. John Sturgis: A nickel. That's a silly bet.
Meemaw: It's 50 bucks.
Dr. John Sturgis: A thousand nickels. Less silly.

Meemaw: Her daughter got kicked by a horse. They had to pin a couple of bones together.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, my.
Meemaw: She won't be stealing any more horses for a little while.

Mary: Really? You're drinking in the morning now?
George Sr.: What? Oh, look at that. Felt later.

Sheldon: These people clearly don't know what ten percent means.
Missy: What are you talking about? This is the list of all the people who belong to the church and how much money they donate. Dorothy and Fred Nelson gave a dollar last week.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: They own the Piggly Wiggly. They can afford to give much more.

Mary: Oh, Mom, Pastor Jeff is gonna be spending the night. If the kids could sleep at your place?
Meemaw: No. Bye.

Mary: Go talk to him.
George Sr.: About what?
Mary: I don't know. Maybe you could give him a male perspective on relationship issues.
George Sr.: How about this? What if I close my eyes and pray on it?

Missy: Dang, this place is nice.
Meemaw: That's because it was supposed to be a date.
Missy: Cool. My first date.

Missy: Weird. You say "Piggly Wiggly" and suddenly I'm hungry.