[Church board says "Jesus Exorcises Every Day."]
Sheldon: Did you write that?
Mary: You betcha.
Sheldon: Instead of puns, have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. For example, "Do geese see God?" Trust me. Both ways.
Mary: Come inside.
Sheldon: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. That's a funny word. Kayak. Never get me in one.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, George, I can't thank you enough for this.
Georgie: It was our pleasure.

George: So, tough times, huh?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George: Yeah. Hey, uh, does the Bible say anything about heartache and such?
Pastor Jeff: Psalm 147, verse three: "The Lord healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."
George: Well, there you go-eth.

George: Hey, I haven't seen the pastor. He go home?
Mary: He hasn't come out of Georgie's room.
George: Maybe he found Georgie's magazines.
Mary: He's a man of God.
George: You're adorable.

Sheldon: Okay. Who's next?
Missy: Wendy and Bill Mackenzie.
Sheldon: Of Mackenzie Chevrolet? Now those are what we call "deep pockets."

Pastor Jeff: For so many months, our little parish has been struggling financially. But by the grace of God and his provision, we have received the most donations in church history! Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus!
Sheldon: So it's all Jesus, we don't get any credit?
Missy: We need to start our own church.
Sheldon: They don't pay taxes. It's a very sound business model.

Dr. John Sturgis: It's my first time going to a casino.
Meemaw: It's amazing. There's bright lights and bells and buzzers and people yelling.
Dr. John Sturgis and Sheldon: Ugh.
[Meemaw and Missy look at each other]

Meemaw: You see, God and I have a deal. And when he helps me win big at the casino, I give him a cut. And lately, he has not been holding up his part of the bargain.

Officer Robbin: Are you his wife?
Mary: Oh, no, I'm church secretary. He's actually single.
Pastor Jeff: Well, technically-
Mary: He's single.

Mr. Givens: Oh, man. How great is this place without kids in it?
Ms. Ingram: I heard that.

Sheldon: [choking] There's lemon in this water.

Pastor Jeff: "Life is too short to be married to a loser. I'm leaving you. Love, Selena."
Mary: "Love, Selena"? Well, that's kind of a mixed message.

Sheldon: Oh, I couldn't tell you how much to give. But I can tell you the Stuckeys stepped up for a thousand dollars. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, you need to give what's comfortable for you. And of course, I don't need to remind you, it's entirely tax deductible. [Missy whispers in Sheldon's ear] And at the next pancake breakfast, you can hold your head high. Thank you. That's very generous. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] The pancake line closed it.
Missy: We are so going to heaven.

Adult Sheldon: A few times a year, there was a dedicated day where my school was closed.
This allowed the teachers to catch up on their administrative duties. While I was normally against a break from learning, I did applaud the Medford faculty's commitment to our education.

Sheldon: So what's the plan? How will I be entertained all day?
Mary: I thought you could be my little helper.
Sheldon: I prefer executive assistant. Carries more weight.