Missy: [groans] Mom and Dad are still really upset.
Sheldon: With good reason. She's awfully old to be having a baby.
Missy: Is it really dangerous?
Sheldon: Not with modern science, but back in pioneer times, we'd be burying her down by the crick.
Missy: I'm just saying they're cranky enough, so don't be a pain in the ass.
Sheldon: I'm always on my best behavior. You're the hormonal firecracker around here.
Missy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: And thar she blows. Moby Dick. It's a book.

George: Where the hell's my travel mug?
Mary: I think Georgie took it, dear.
George: That son of a gun.
Mary: Missy, your father's gonna take you to school today.
Missy: Thanks, Daddy. I hope it's not too much trouble.
George: [smiles] No trouble at all, my little angel. [Mary smiles at Missy, too]
Sheldon: [to Missy] Why'd you say they're cranky? They're fine.

Mary: [chuckles] Well, at this point, it doesn't matter, because she doesn't want to get married.
Pastor Rob: Well, I can talk to her if you want.
Mary: Mm.
Pastor Rob: I'm pretty good with young people.
Mary: She's 29.
Pastor Rob: Also pretty good with people my own age. [Mary chuckles]

Pastor Rob: Knock, knock.
Mary: Oh, hi.
Pastor Rob: Just thought I'd show you how to do it on the first try. [Mary chuckles softly] You all right?
Mary: Um... Yeah. Just, you know, life.
Pastor Rob: Mm. I've heard that can be rough.
Mary: Mm.
Pastor Rob: Well, if you ever want to talk or... grab a smoke, I'm around.
Mary: I'm good, thanks. [chuckles] Although, um... A cigarette doesn't sound bad.
Pastor Rob: I was hoping someone would help me get to the end of this pack.
Mary: Then we're quitting.
Pastor Rob: Absolutely.
Mary: It's a disgusting habit.
Pastor Rob: Filthy.

Meemaw: What's up?
Missy: Why won't Mom and Dad tell us what's going on?
Meemaw: Well, there might be several reasons for that, but right off the top of my head, I'd say none of your damn business.
Sheldon: Mom's having a baby, and that's none of our business?
Meemaw: [chuckles] Is that what you think's going on?
Missy: Isn't it?
Meemaw: No.
Sheldon: Then what's going on?
Meemaw: None of your damn business.

Pastor Jeff: What's up?
Mary: I was hoping to get your take on something.
Pastor Jeff: Of course.
Mary: Um... This isn't really about me, but I recently met a young woman who got pregnant, um... out of wedlock.
Pastor Jeff: I see. Is the young man in the picture?
Mary: He is.
Pastor Jeff: Well, as long as they tie the knot before the bambino pops out, the big guy looks the other way.
Mary: Right, right. But the woman isn't so keen on... knots or tying them.
Pastor Jeff: Then I'm afraid she and that poor baby are in for a difficult time.

Mary: I know. Um... What about the parents of the young couple?
Pastor Jeff: Well, they certainly didn't raise these kids with the right values. I only get them one day a week. The rest of it's on Mom and Dad.
Mary: [chuckles] Right. Right. Um... Oh. But, um... what if the boy's parents did want to do the right thing? I don't see how it's their fault.
Pastor Jeff: Well, didn't the boy still have premarital sex which led to pregnancy?
Mary: [exhales] Yes.
Pastor Jeff: You have to ask, where were his parents?
Mary: Mm-hmm. These are all good questions.

Mary: [answers phone] Hello?
Meemaw: Heads up. The twins were just here, and they were asking a bunch of questions.
Mary: You didn't tell them, did you?
Meemaw: No, but they know there's a baby in the mix. [chuckles] Actually, they thought you were having it.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
Meemaw: Yeah. Anyway, they're gonna be there any minute. Have fun. [hangs up] [Mary exhales]
George: [exhales] What now?
Sheldon: [door opens] [o.s.] We're home.
Missy: [o.s.] And we want answers.
Mary: That.

George: Do I really need to be here for this?
Mary: Yes.
George: Double fudge.

Sheldon: Are they getting married?
Mary: We don't know, but probably.
George: Mary.
Mary: [scoffs] It would be better for them and better for the baby.
George: And better for you so your church friends don't get bent out of shape.
Mary: We'll talk about this later.
Sheldon: Ooh, a subcommittee just formed. Exciting.

Mary: The important thing is, is that you both need to keep this quiet. This is family business.
Sheldon: I have to keep a secret? I'm not good at those.
George: It's not a secret. No one's gonna ask you about it. It's just a thing you don't need to bring up.
Sheldon: But what if I do?
George: What if you don't?
Sheldon: But now it's all I can think about. What if my mouth loses control?
Mary: You're good at keeping promises, right?
Sheldon: Very. Great.
Mary: Then promise you won't tell anybody.
Sheldon: That's an interesting work-around. However...
Mary: You're not telling anyone.
Sheldon: Fine.

Missy: I'm gonna be an aunt. That's so weird.
Sheldon: Not as weird as Uncle Sheldon.
George: [chuckles] Yeah, well, we're gonna be grandparents.
Mary: And Meemaw's gonna be a great-grandmother.
Missy: That sounds so old.
George: Please tell her that.

Meemaw: She ducking your calls?
Georgie: Seems like it.
Meemaw: Well, you understand why she might not want to talk to you.
Georgie: Yes, I know. I'm trying to make up for it.
Meemaw: This might be one of those things you just can't make up for.
Georgie: Ain't fair.
Meemaw: You better do some growing up fast, 'cause "fair" left the building the second you yanked your pants down.
Georgie: Thanks for making me feel worse.
Meemaw: Anytime.

Dr. Linkletter: What is the angular momentum of the neutron and the proton inside deuterium? [no hands go up] No one? Really? Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Dr. Linkletter: What is the angular momentum of the neutron and the proton inside deuterium?
Sheldon: Oh, um, "L" equals zero.
Dr. Linkletter: Close. You're missing the four percent admixture of "L" equals two.
Sheldon: Sorry. I'm a little distracted.
Dr. Linkletter: It happens. Anyway...
Sheldon: Normally, I would have gotten that right.
Dr. Linkletter: I have no doubt. Anyway...
Sheldon: There are just some things going on at home, and I'm not allowed to talk about it.
Dr. Linkletter: And we don't want to hear about it.
Sheldon: I can tell you no one's sick in case you're concerned.
Dr. Linkletter: Anyone concerned? Show of hands. [no hands go up] No? Moving on.
Sheldon: That's why I got the answer wrong.
Dr. Linkletter: Son, it's just a mistake. Everyone makes them.
Sheldon: [inner monologue] Like my brother Georgie did when he got that girl pregnant. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. [Sheldon's hand shoots up]
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.
Dr. Linkletter: This is college. Just go. [Sheldon rushes out] You, red shirt. Lock the door.

Coach Wilkins: Are you okay?
George: Oh, jim-dandy.
Coach Wilkins: Is this one of those times where you say you don't want to talk about it, and then you make me go to the bar, and then you talk about it?
George: No.
Coach Wilkins: All right.
[cut to George and Coach Wilkins at a bar:]
George: I'm gonna tell you something.
Coach Wilkins: Lay it on me.
George: This is serious. You can't tell anyone.
Coach Wilkins: Okay.
George: Georgie got a girl pregnant.
Coach Wilkins: Wow. Oh. Congratulations?
George: On having a dope for a son? Thanks.
Coach Wilkins: Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but weren't you a similar kind of dope with Mary?
George: It's different. Georgie's, like, 11 years younger than this girl.
Coach Wilkins: That is different. [to the bartender] We're gonna need a couple shots over here.