Previous Episode Next Episode 

37Quotes from ‘The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin’

  • The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

    508. The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

    Aired December 2, 2021

    President Hagemeyer passes the blame to her mysterious boss when Sheldon fights back against a change to the university's science requirements. Meanwhile, Mary discovers that Meemaw is running an illegal gambling room.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: It's recently come to my attention that everybody lies and you can't believe a thing that comes out of anyone's mouth.
Mary: I don't think everybody lies. You don't lie.
Sheldon: No, but perhaps to get by in the world it's a skill I should cultivate.
Mary: I hope you don't. I love your honesty.
Sheldon: I want to believe you.
Mary: [scoffs] You should, because I'm your mother and I would never lie to you.
Sheldon: I would never lie to you, either.
Mary: So, I guess not everybody lies.
Sheldon: I heard what you said in your prayer, and I don't think you're failing as a mother.
Mary: Thank you. I think you're a pretty great son yourself.
Sheldon: I know I'm difficult.
Mary: There is not a single thing about you I would change.
Adult Sheldon: My mom promised she would never lie to me. And she never did.
Mary: [softly to the heavens] I'm sorry.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: [prays] Please watch over Missy and Sheldon and especially Georgie. And please don't let my failings as a mother get in the way of Your plans for their lives. Amen. [gasps] Hey, baby. What's wrong?
Sheldon: Is it that obvious?
Mary: Well, you are outside, where birds live.
Sheldon: True. I'll make it quick. I'm experiencing what the Germans call weltschmerz.
Mary: Uh-huh. And what do Americans call it?
Sheldon: The pain of the world.
Mary: Sounds more fun in German.
Sheldon: Most things do.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [cereal crackling] I hear no snap, I hear no pop, only crackle. [eats] A bowl of lies.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: You are unbelievable. It is bad enough for you to do all this stuff, but then to drag Georgie down into your den of sin.
Meemaw: Oh, please, it's not a den of sin. Although that is a great name. Den of Sin. That would get some butts in seats. [Mary exclaims]

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Look, here's something you should know about life: People lie.
Sheldon: Everybody?
George Sr.: Pretty much.
Sheldon: Well, I don't like it.
George Sr.: Mm. It's not always a bad thing.
Sheldon: When is lying good?
George Sr.: Like when you're trying to spare someone's feelings.
Sheldon: Oh, I'd rather everybody just be honest.
George Sr.: Hmm. Fine. The last thing I wanted to do today was pick you up.
Sheldon: You said you were happy to do it.
George Sr.: See? Lies. Not the worst.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Georgie.
George Jr.: Hey, what are you doing here?
Mary: I know about the room in the back.
George Jr.: Do you know whether or not I know?
Mary: Yes.
George Jr.: Okay, that's gonna save us a lot of time.

Quote from Mary

Mary: It is not okay. You are quitting right now.
George Jr.: Why would I do that?
Mary: Because I am your mother, and it is wrong.
George Jr.: Well, I'm working for your mother, and she says it's okay.
Mary: And I answer to a higher power, and He says it's also wrong, so I win, let's go.
George Jr.: Mom, please don't make a big deal out of this.
Mary: Oh, so there is an illegal gambling room in the back, and it's no big deal?
Florence: There's a gambling room back there?
Mary: And there is a church two blocks down, so maybe try that.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I got to campus early to get a copy of my article, hot off the presses. Normally, I don't like getting newspaper ink on my hands, but this was worth it. Plus, I had Wet-Naps.
Sheldon: Where's my exposé?
Clark: I didn't run it.
Sheldon: What? Why?
Clark: You're blaming this whole thing on a grand chancellor. There's no such person.
Sheldon: Of course there is. He's President Hagemeyer's boss.
Clark: She doesn't have a boss. She's the president.
Sheldon: Yes, she does, and we've been trying to fight him, but he won't budge.
Clark: The grand chancellor?
Sheldon: Well, when you say it like that it sounds made-up.
Clark: How would you say it?
Sheldon: The grand chancellor. I've been had.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

President Hagemeyer: You can't just barge into my office.
Sheldon: And you can't just lie to my face.
President Hagemeyer: I can and I did.
Sheldon: Well, I'm going to start calling you President Hage-liar, and I think it'll to catch on because it's both true and clever.
President Hagemeyer: Look, I know you're upset, but you left me no choice. I knew you'd be a pain in the ass about these cuts.
Sheldon: Language, and also, these cuts are detrimental on so many levels.
President Hagemeyer: Not to the university. Look... [sighs] My job means sometimes making very hard decisions. Now, I'm sorry that I lied to you, and-and if it helps, I didn't enjoy it.
Sheldon: Yes, you did.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Yes, I did. I mean, grand chancellor? [snorts] I really pulled that one out of my...
Sheldon: Ah-ah.
President Hagemeyer: ...bottom.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, I can lie about things, too. Did I knock your papers on the floor? [knocks papers off desk] No, I didn't. Did I move your stapler? [moves stapler] No, I didn't. Ooh, did I break your pencil? [fails to break pencil] Yes, I did.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. Quick question. Why can I see you through my newsletter?
Mary: Oh, sorry, I had to remove one of the ads.
Pastor Jeff: Was there anything important on the other side?
Mary: Just Peg's recipe for her grape salad.
Pastor Jeff: With the mayonnaise and the pretzels. Barf.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Everything okay?
Mary: I feel like I'm a failure as a mother.
Pastor Jeff: What? Why?
Mary: Georgie dropped out of school, and now he's working in a gambling room. I tried so hard to keep him on the right path, and now I feel like I'm just pushing him away.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, teenagers rebel. When I was a kid in El Paso, we used to cross the border to drink beer and dance the night away.
Mary: I thought your father was a pastor.
Pastor Jeff: He was. It didn't stop me.
Mary: It's hard to imagine.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure my father felt the same way when he found his little jefe doing the hustle en la discoteca. [both chuckle] Just picture this, but with a big ol' '70s perm. I looked like a Chia Pet.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Sheldon: So, how was it? Did any subcommittees get formed?
Dr. Linkletter: No, Sheldon, it was just a budget meeting.
Sheldon: Ooh, budgets, do tell.
Dr. Linkletter: Most of it was about reducing the gen-ed science requirement from eight credits to four.
Sheldon: But that's less science classes. Who would want that?
Dr. Linkletter: Apparently the administration, the students and their parents.
Sheldon: Did anyone try to stop it?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Did it spark a heated debate?
Dr. Linkletter: Not really, no.
Sheldon: Were you at least annoyed?
Dr. Linkletter: Do I sound annoyed?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, there you go.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Once I was on the lookout for liars, I saw them everywhere.
William Shatner: [on TV] ...absolutely necessary.
Sheldon: You're not a captain. You're just an actor. Which is another word for liar.
William Shatner: [on TV] And nothing... is more important than my ship.
Sheldon: He's so darn good at it, though.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Why are you watching wrestling?
Missy: They beat the crap out of each other. It's great.
Sheldon: I bet it's all fake.
Missy: Does that look fake to you?
Sheldon: Okay, it's nice to know something's real.
Missy: Ooh, he's bleeding.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hey.
George Jr.: Mom send you?
George Sr.: No. She also doesn't know I'm here, so let's keep that between us.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: Where's your meemaw?
George Jr.: Not here. She leaves me in charge when she's gone.
George Sr.: Is that right?
George Jr.: I also handle stuff in the Laundromat.
George Sr.: Well, good for you.
George Jr.: So... you're okay with me working here?
George Sr.: Well, since I never been here and we never had this conversation... ...sure.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Want to give it a spin?
George Sr.: These things really pay out?
George Jr.: All the time. Not that one. We call it the homewrecker.
George Sr.: [whispers] Which one, then?
George Jr.: That one's your buddy.
George Sr.: Yeah?
[later:]
George Sr.: Look at me! I-I won two dollars!
[George gives his dad a thumbs up and then shakes his head to himself]

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I needed a new plan. One where I could reach the masses. The front page of the campus newspaper was my best course of action. I deployed every weapon in my literary arsenal. Humor.
Sheldon: So funny.
Adult Sheldon: Gravitas.
Sheldon: So moving.
Adult Sheldon: Fearmongering.
Sheldon: So scary.
Adult Sheldon: And last but not least, heartfelt emotion.
Sheldon: Eh, not where I shine. I'll end on fear.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Let's talk about the glory of meetings. What's not to love? Agendas, detailed minutes, and if you're lucky, they begin and end with the soothing sound of discipline and rules. [gavel bangs] Ah. You can imagine my frustration when I found out East Texas Tech had faculty meetings that I was not allowed to attend.
Dr. Linkletter: Excuse me. [picks up phone]
Adult Sheldon: Not that I didn't try.
Dr. Linkletter: Goodbye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Darn it.
[in another meeting, Dr. Linkletter notices shoes poking out from behind a curtain]
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, out.
Sheldon: Aw.
[in another meeting, Dr. Linkletter pulls down a newspaper that the person next to him is holding up, revealing a middle-aged woman:]
Dr. Linkletter: Sorry, I thought you were an irritating young man that won't leave me alone.
Sheldon: [hiding behind a plant] That's rude.
Dr. Linkletter: Out.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I can't believe the faculty is okay with this.
Dr. Linkletter: It just means students who aren't science majors need to take one class instead of two.
Sheldon: But that's 50% less.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, this doesn't affect you.
Sheldon: Less science affects all of society. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm good at making things all about me.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, I have picked up on that. Sorry, there's nothing I can do about it.
Sheldon: I understand. You're just a cog in the machine. In fact, why am I talking to you?
Dr. Linkletter: Feel free to stop.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I thought you'd be at work.
George Jr.: I work nights this week.
Mary: Oh, I didn't realize the Laundromat was open late.
George Jr.: I did that. People work during the day, it seemed like an untapped market.
Mary: Smart. You know, if you want to advertise your new hours, you could take out an ad in the church bulletin.
George Jr.: That ain't a bad idea.
Mary: Maybe I'm where you get it from. Oh! It could say something like, "Jesus washes away your sins, and we'll wash away your stains."
George Jr.: [chuckles] Wow! You are really good at this. [Mary laughs] [Georgie rolls his eyes]

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Sheldon: And do you really want to be the president of a university that is responsible for the dumbing down of scientific discourse on this campus?
President Hagemeyer: I totally agree with you.
Sheldon: You do?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, it's an outrage. I came here to make this school the Harvard of East Texas. Not the... Wh-What's your least favorite school?
Sheldon: MIT.
President Hagemeyer: Not the MIT of East Texas.
Sheldon: Nice dig at MIT.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Well, they deserve it.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Sheldon: So, you're gonna keep the science requirements the same?
President Hagemeyer: If it were up to me, yes.
Sheldon: But you're the president.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone has a boss, Sheldon. Now, unfortunately, I have to answer to the... grand chancellor.
Sheldon: Oh. I've never heard of him.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, well, he definitely exists.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should speak with him.
President Hagemeyer: I appreciate that, but this is my fight... Win or lose... and I'll probably lose, but I am gonna go down swinging, I promise you that.
Sheldon: Can I help?
President Hagemeyer: Absolutely. I need you to put together a report backing up our position. Charts, graphs... the whole shebang.
Sheldon: Hmm. Charts and graphs of what?
President Hagemeyer: [stammers] Am I helping you or are you helping me?
Sheldon: Uh, of course. I'll figure it out.
President Hagemeyer: I know you will. Okay, now, get out of here. You have a lot of work to do.
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am. [exits]
President Hagemeyer: [sighs] [picks up liquor decanter] Kid makes me thirsty.

Quote from Peg

[As Mary and Peg stuff and lick envelopes at the church]
Peg: [coughs]
Mary: Maybe we take a little break and let this one dry out.
Peg: You don't have to ask me twice. [coughs]
Mary: Do you ever think about quitting?
Peg: This job? Yeah. [points to ad] Since when did we start advertising gambling rooms?
Mary: What? It's a Laundromat.
Peg: Yeah, and the massage parlor off the freeway is for stiff necks.
Mary: [scoffs] Well, that is a legitimate business. My mother owns it, my son works there.
Peg: If you say so.
Mary: I do say so.
Peg: Fine.
Mary: It's true.
Peg: I'd say, "Want to bet," but I lost 40 bucks last night at your mom's "legitimate business."

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Are you running a gambling room in the back of the Laundromat?
Meemaw: What? No.
Mary: Peg says she was there last night.
Meemaw: Oh, "gambling room." Yeah.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: What are you thinking? You know gambling is illegal.
Meemaw: Why do you care how people spend their money?
Mary: Gambling destroys lives.
Meemaw: That's what you say about booze. I think it's an excellent pairing. [drinks]

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Sheldon: We have to keep fighting. If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek had given up, where would we be?
President Hagemeyer: Where would we be?
Sheldon: In a world without microscopes.
President Hagemeyer: Because that guy invented them?
Sheldon: Boy, did he. At least the first modern microscope. He's known as the father of microbiology. I have a good book on him I could loan you. Anyway, we can't give up.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, you are preaching to the choir, but... [scoffs] I mean, what can we do?
Sheldon: I could write to some science luminaries, try get them on our side. Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan. Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. He's dead.
President Hagemeyer: All right, but just on the off chance that they're too busy to reply, I think that you should get out there on campus, talk to students, change their minds.
Sheldon: One-on-one? That could take months.
President Hagemeyer: Great.

Quote from George Sr.

Alex Trebek: [on TV] Animated films. Frog anatomy. The Bible.
Missy: Why are you watching Jeopardy?
George Sr.: Sheldon's not the only one who likes to learn stuff.
Missy: You don't know where the remote is.
George Sr.: It's right here. It's just out of batteries.
Missy: Want me to get some?
George Sr.: A can of beer while you're up.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Is Georgie here?
George Sr.: No, I think he's still at work.
Mary: Do you know that that Laundromat is just a front for gambling?
Missy: Cool.
Mary: Missy Cooper, that was not for your ears. Go to your room.

Quote from Missy

Mary: My mother is running a gambling room out of the back of the Laundromat, and she has Georgie helping her.
George Sr.: They never invited me.
Mary: George. We have to get him out of there.
George Sr.: Mary, we told him not to drop out of school, he dropped out of school. Told him he couldn't have girls in the garage, he has girls in the garage.
Mary: He does?
Missy: [o.s.] So many.
Mary: [scoffs] Missy!
Missy: [o.s.] I'm in my room.
Mary: Well, close the door. [Missy's door creaky slowly] All the way. [door closes]

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: The point is, he didn't listen to us then, he's not gonna listen now.
Mary: So, we do nothing?
George Sr.: We let him make his own mistakes.
Mary: That just sounds like another way of saying we do nothing. I'm gonna go down there.
George Sr.: And that's a mistake I'm gonna let you make. [Mary sighs] [TV continues indistinctly] Missy! Batteries!

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: President Hagemeyer was counting on me to turn the tide of public opinion and ignite the outrage of my fellow students.
Sheldon: Excuse me, would you like to sign my petition? It's about the university reducing our science requirements.
Lyle: [chuckles] Less science? Sweet.
Sheldon: No, it's to stop the reduction and keep our science curriculum strong. [Lyle walks off] Are you hurrying off to tell your friends?
[later, a student signs Sheldon's petition and hands it back to him:]
Sheldon: "Ben Dover." Thanks, Ben.
[montage:]
Student #1: No.
Student #2: Nuh-uh.
Student #3: Nope.
[later:]
Sheldon: Excuse me, would you like to sign my petition about keeping our science requirements strong?
Patricia: Of course. If you'll sign mine to increase funding for the school jazz band.
Sheldon: Let's pretend we never met.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I think I need to stop blindly trusting everything.
George Sr.: Hmm. Probably not a bad idea.
Sheldon: Thanks. I wish I could believe you.

Quote from Sheldon

President Hagemeyer: Not now, I'm on the phone.
Sheldon: Oh, are you talking to the grand chancellor? Who I know doesn't exist, just like your integrity.
President Hagemeyer: Uh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Sheldon: Don't believe her!

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: [to customer] Just go around to the alley. The password is "dryer sheet."
Mary: This is not a joke. I'm worried about your soul.
George Jr.: I'm not gambling. No one's getting hurt.
Mary: Georgie, I know you think that, but this does hurt people.
George Jr.: It's not my business what people do with their money. And it ain't your business, either, so butt out.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Excuse me, if I had an exposé that's going to rip the lid off this university's leadership and shine a light on its rotten core, who would I turn that in to?
Clark: You can give it to me.
Sheldon: I'd feel more comfortable giving it to someone who's less likely to roll it up and smoke it.
Clark: Well, I'm the editor, so it's me or nothing.
Sheldon: Very well. I'm handing you the scoop of a lifetime.
Clark: Okay.
Sheldon: As your people say, I think you'll dig it.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

President Hagemeyer: [answers phone] President Hagemeyer.
Speaking device: Miss Hagemeyer, Stephen Hawking here.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, hello. I... I... Is this really Stephen Hawking?
Speaking device: Does it not sound like me? Sorry, I have a cold.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, uh...
Speaking device: That was a joke. Ha, ha, ha.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Uh... how can I help you, sir?
Speaking device: I received a letter from one of your students about the decision to reduce science requirements. Very disappointing.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I would never want to disappoint you, but that-that wasn't my decision.
Speaking device: Whose decision was it?
President Hagemeyer: The grand chancellor.
Speaking device: That is a lie.
President Hagemeyer: Yeah, yeah, that's a lie.
Speaking device: Has anyone ever called you President Hage-liar?

 Episode 507 Episode 509