Mary: You are unbelievable. It is bad enough for you to do all this stuff, but then to drag Georgie down into your den of sin.
Meemaw: Oh, please, it's not a den of sin. Although that is a great name. Den of Sin. That would get some butts in seats. [Mary exclaims]

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. Quick question. Why can I see you through my newsletter?
Mary: Oh, sorry, I had to remove one of the ads.
Pastor Jeff: Was there anything important on the other side?
Mary: Just Peg's recipe for her grape salad.
Pastor Jeff: With the mayonnaise and the pretzels. Barf.

Mary: [prays] Please watch over Missy and Sheldon and especially Georgie. And please don't let my failings as a mother get in the way of Your plans for their lives. Amen. [gasps] Hey, baby. What's wrong?
Sheldon: Is it that obvious?
Mary: Well, you are outside, where birds live.
Sheldon: True. I'll make it quick. I'm experiencing what the Germans call weltschmerz.
Mary: Uh-huh. And what do Americans call it?
Sheldon: The pain of the world.
Mary: Sounds more fun in German.
Sheldon: Most things do.

Sheldon: So, how was it? Did any subcommittees get formed?
Dr. Linkletter: No, Sheldon, it was just a budget meeting.
Sheldon: Ooh, budgets, do tell.
Dr. Linkletter: Most of it was about reducing the gen-ed science requirement from eight credits to four.
Sheldon: But that's less science classes. Who would want that?
Dr. Linkletter: Apparently the administration, the students and their parents.
Sheldon: Did anyone try to stop it?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Did it spark a heated debate?
Dr. Linkletter: Not really, no.
Sheldon: Were you at least annoyed?
Dr. Linkletter: Do I sound annoyed?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, there you go.

Sheldon: I can't believe the faculty is okay with this.
Dr. Linkletter: It just means students who aren't science majors need to take one class instead of two.
Sheldon: But that's 50% less.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, this doesn't affect you.
Sheldon: Less science affects all of society. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm good at making things all about me.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, I have picked up on that. Sorry, there's nothing I can do about it.
Sheldon: I understand. You're just a cog in the machine. In fact, why am I talking to you?
Dr. Linkletter: Feel free to stop.

Sheldon: And do you really want to be the president of a university that is responsible for the dumbing down of scientific discourse on this campus?
President Hagemeyer: I totally agree with you.
Sheldon: You do?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, it's an outrage. I came here to make this school the Harvard of East Texas. Not the... Wh-What's your least favorite school?
Sheldon: MIT.
President Hagemeyer: Not the MIT of East Texas.
Sheldon: Nice dig at MIT.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Well, they deserve it.

Sheldon: So, you're gonna keep the science requirements the same?
President Hagemeyer: If it were up to me, yes.
Sheldon: But you're the president.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone has a boss, Sheldon. Now, unfortunately, I have to answer to the... grand chancellor.
Sheldon: Oh. I've never heard of him.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, well, he definitely exists.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should speak with him.
President Hagemeyer: I appreciate that, but this is my fight... Win or lose... and I'll probably lose, but I am gonna go down swinging, I promise you that.
Sheldon: Can I help?
President Hagemeyer: Absolutely. I need you to put together a report backing up our position. Charts, graphs... the whole shebang.
Sheldon: Hmm. Charts and graphs of what?
President Hagemeyer: [stammers] Am I helping you or are you helping me?
Sheldon: Uh, of course. I'll figure it out.
President Hagemeyer: I know you will. Okay, now, get out of here. You have a lot of work to do.
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am. [exits]
President Hagemeyer: [sighs] [picks up liquor decanter] Kid makes me thirsty.

[As Mary and Peg stuff and lick envelopes at the church]
Peg: [coughs]
Mary: Maybe we take a little break and let this one dry out.
Peg: You don't have to ask me twice. [coughs]
Mary: Do you ever think about quitting?
Peg: This job? Yeah. [points to ad] Since when did we start advertising gambling rooms?
Mary: What? It's a Laundromat.
Peg: Yeah, and the massage parlor off the freeway is for stiff necks.
Mary: [scoffs] Well, that is a legitimate business. My mother owns it, my son works there.
Peg: If you say so.
Mary: I do say so.
Peg: Fine.
Mary: It's true.
Peg: I'd say, "Want to bet," but I lost 40 bucks last night at your mom's "legitimate business."

Mary: Are you running a gambling room in the back of the Laundromat?
Meemaw: What? No.
Mary: Peg says she was there last night.
Meemaw: Oh, "gambling room." Yeah.

Mary: What are you thinking? You know gambling is illegal.
Meemaw: Why do you care how people spend their money?
Mary: Gambling destroys lives.
Meemaw: That's what you say about booze. I think it's an excellent pairing. [drinks]

Sheldon: We have to keep fighting. If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek had given up, where would we be?
President Hagemeyer: Where would we be?
Sheldon: In a world without microscopes.
President Hagemeyer: Because that guy invented them?
Sheldon: Boy, did he. At least the first modern microscope. He's known as the father of microbiology. I have a good book on him I could loan you. Anyway, we can't give up.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, you are preaching to the choir, but... [scoffs] I mean, what can we do?
Sheldon: I could write to some science luminaries, try get them on our side. Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan. Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. He's dead.
President Hagemeyer: All right, but just on the off chance that they're too busy to reply, I think that you should get out there on campus, talk to students, change their minds.
Sheldon: One-on-one? That could take months.
President Hagemeyer: Great.

Alex Trebek: [on TV] Animated films. Frog anatomy. The Bible.
Missy: Why are you watching Jeopardy?
George: Sheldon's not the only one who likes to learn stuff.
Missy: You don't know where the remote is.
George: It's right here. It's just out of batteries.
Missy: Want me to get some?
George: A can of beer while you're up.

George: The point is, he didn't listen to us then, he's not gonna listen now.
Mary: So, we do nothing?
George: We let him make his own mistakes.
Mary: That just sounds like another way of saying we do nothing. I'm gonna go down there.
George: And that's a mistake I'm gonna let you make. [Mary sighs] [TV continues indistinctly] Missy! Batteries!

Adult Sheldon: President Hagemeyer was counting on me to turn the tide of public opinion and ignite the outrage of my fellow students.
Sheldon: Excuse me, would you like to sign my petition? It's about the university reducing our science requirements.
Lyle: [chuckles] Less science? Sweet.
Sheldon: No, it's to stop the reduction and keep our science curriculum strong. [Lyle walks off] Are you hurrying off to tell your friends?
[later, a student signs Sheldon's petition and hands it back to him:]
Sheldon: "Ben Dover." Thanks, Ben.
[montage:]
Student #1: No.
Student #2: Nuh-uh.
Student #3: Nope.
[later:]
Sheldon: Excuse me, would you like to sign my petition about keeping our science requirements strong?
Patricia: Of course. If you'll sign mine to increase funding for the school jazz band.
Sheldon: Let's pretend we never met.

Adult Sheldon: I needed a new plan. One where I could reach the masses. The front page of the campus newspaper was my best course of action. I deployed every weapon in my literary arsenal. Humor.
Sheldon: So funny.
Adult Sheldon: Gravitas.
Sheldon: So moving.
Adult Sheldon: Fearmongering.
Sheldon: So scary.
Adult Sheldon: And last but not least, heartfelt emotion.
Sheldon: Eh, not where I shine. I'll end on fear.