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45Quotes from ‘Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine’

Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine

116. Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine

Aired March 29, 2018

When Sheldon doesn't win the school science fair, he decides to stop pursuing science and seek a new focus in life.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: You don't always win in life, he needs to learn that.
Mary: I know, but these are big feelings for a little boy.
George Sr.: They're feelings everybody has. It's part of growing up.
Mary: I guess.
Sheldon: Poodle poop!
Meemaw: Okay. Somebody's got to teach this kid to swear, it's embarrassing.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Attention, students and faculty. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper. We're taught that hard work pays off, but that's not true. I came up with a solution to save Earth from killer asteroids, and lost the science fair to SueAnn Ludlow, and her frizzy hair machine. But it wasn't just me who lost, we all lost. Wake up, people. The system's broken. Real innovation isn't valued. Nowadays, it's all about flash and style.
I blame MTV. Luckily, my parents can't afford cable. I urge you all to rise up. They can't send everyone to the principal's office. Chew gum in class, use a number one pencil, go nuts. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper signing off. Live long and prosper.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'll be in my room.
Mary: Oh, come on, Shelly. You still got an honorable mention.
Sheldon: Stop reminding me.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I hate to see him so upset.
George Sr.: Well, give him a little time, he'll calm down.
Sheldon: [door slams] Fiddle-faddle!
Meemaw: The F word. He's real mad.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Sheldon, listen, I know losing ain't easy. I deal with it on the football field all the time. It's like that big game we had last year against Nacogdoches. We were down 28 points at the half. It was raining, it was muddy. Everybody in the stands had gone home. But somehow, we managed to claw our way back to a tie with a minute left. And then, they threw a Hail Mary, and the receiver stepped out of bounds, but the ref didn't see it. After all that, we lose on a bad call. Believe me, I was furious. But I sucked it up, and I walked across that field and I shook their hands.
Sheldon: I didn't hear a word you said.
George Sr.: Okay.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I was sent to see Principal Petersen.
Diane: What is it this time?
Sheldon: Youthful rebellion. My voice hasn't changed yet, but my attitude has.
Diane: I'll let him know you're here.
Sheldon: You do that. Ma'am.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Goetsch: Okay. Uh, you two, make yourselves comfortable. Me and my main man Sheldon are gonna go have a little chitchat in my office.
Sheldon: I don't like chitchat, and I'm not your main man.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Goetsch: Now, Sheldon, I understand you've changed your mind about being a scientist.
Sheldon: And you're gonna say I can't?
Dr. Goetsch: No. I think that's great.
Sheldon: You do?
Dr. Goetsch: Yeah. I think it's important to keep your options open. Let me tell you a little story about an extremely smart young boy.
Sheldon: Me?

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Why's he want to study acting?
Mary: The doctor encouraged him to try something different.
Missy: Maybe he'll learn to act normal.
Mary: How about you learn to act nice?
Missy: You people don't appreciate my sense of humor.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You know, I actually did a little community theater back in my 20s.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Meemaw: I had a good part in Oklahoma. "I'm just a girl who can't say no."
Missy: Say no to what?
Meemaw: Well to-
Mary: Uh, eating her vegetables.
Meemaw: It was fun. But I'm pretty sure doing plays is just an excuse to change in front of each other backstage.
Missy: Really?
Meemaw: Yeah. Theater folk just love to take their clothes off.
Missy: How many people saw you naked?
Meemaw: A lot.
Mary: Mom.
George Sr.: Enough.
Meemaw: Y'all don't understand my sense of humor, either.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Wow. You're famous.
Mr. Lundy: Well, I And I was Carbucketty in the Dallas-Fort Worth Players production of Cats. [PURRS] [LAUGHS] Did you see that?
Sheldon: No, I'm afraid of cats.
Mr. Lundy: Well, you realize the cats are just the actors.
Sheldon: I still wouldn't risk it.
Mr. Lundy: You're an odd boy, but you make it work.

Quote from Sheldon

Mr. Lundy: Anyway, uh, auditions are next week. You're welcome to come on by.
Sheldon: Excellent. I checked out a book on acting so I should have the hang of it by then.
Mr. Lundy: Well, I like that confidence.
Sheldon: Thank you. Most people find it off-putting.
Mr. Lundy: I can see that.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: What are you looking for?
Sheldon: A brooch.
George Jr.: What's a brooch?
Sheldon: It's a piece of jewelry. In my acting book, there's an exercise where you look for a missing brooch in a convincing way.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: According to the story, it was given to me by a friend so I could afford to stay in drama school, but now it's gone.
George Jr.: Well, good luck finding it.
Sheldon: Thanks. Wait. You really believed I was looking for something? I did it. I'm an actor.
George Jr.: You're a freak.
Sheldon: Oh, where the heck is that brooch?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Poor naked wretches, whereso'er you are, that bide the pelting of this pitiless storm.
How shall your houseless heads and unfed sides, your looped and windowed raggedness defend you from seasons such as these? Oh, I've ta'en too little care of this. Take physic, pomp. Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel, that thou may shake the superflux to them and show the heavens more just.
Mr. Lundy: Holy mackerel.

Quote from Meemaw

Missy: I think I see his underpants.
Meemaw: I told you. Theatre folk just love to show off their business.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Why are they all singing?
Meemaw: Because it's a musical.
Sheldon: But why can't they just say it?
Meemaw: Well, that wouldn't be very musical, would it?
Sheldon: And where is the music coming from?
Missy: You're thinking about it too much.
Sheldon: And how do they all know the same dance?
Missy: Come on!
Meemaw: Moon pie!

Quote from Sueann Ludlow

Principal Petersen: And the winner of the Medford High School Science Fair is SueAnn Ludlow!
Sheldon: You've got to be kidding me!
Mary: Shelly.
Sheldon: You people are crazy!
George Sr.: Hey. All right.
Sheldon: You're celebrating mediocrity. Mediocrity! Mediocrity!

Quote from George Jr.

Mr. Givens: How come?
Sheldon: Because I'm disillusioned with the school system.
Mr. Givens: Georgie, do you know what's going on with him?
George Jr.: Actually, I'm trying to ignore it.

Quote from Missy

Meemaw: I can't believe you sent him to bed without his dinner.
Mary: That's right.
Missy: On spaghetti and hot dog night. That's rough.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Let's talk about something else. Georgie, how was your day?
George Jr.: My brother told the entire school we can't afford cable.
Mary: Oh, right. Missy?
Missy: Good, until I learned we can't afford cable.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: I've been thinking, and there's something I'd like to say.
George Sr.: Unless it's an apology, I don't want to hear it.
Sheldon: I'm quitting science.
Missy: Not an apology. Spank him, Dad.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I'm really getting worried about Shelly. Acting out, and now quitting science?
Meemaw: Oh, I'm sure he'll get right back to it. I've quit smoking and gambling plenty of times. Hmm. Look in my purse. Nothing but cigarettes and scratchers.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: How'd it go?
Sheldon: Great. I feel a lot better.
Meemaw: Well, that's just wonderful.
Mary: So, you're going back to science?
Sheldon: No. In fact, I'm going as far away from science as possible. I plan to pursue the arts.
Mary: What kind of arts?
Sheldon: I've decided to become an actor.
Meemaw: Of course you have.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Sheldon: I was told you're the head of the drama department.
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm, and the girls' volleyball coach, which, between us, is the real drama department.
Sheldon: Was that a joke?
Mr. Lundy: I thought so.

Quote from Sheldon

Mr. Lundy: All right, Mr. Cooper. The stage is yours.
Sheldon: Thank you. I'd like to begin with a monologue from King Lear. [looking at Mr. Lundy]
Mr. Lundy: What?
Sheldon: I believe you're supposed to say "break a leg."
Mr. Lundy: Sorry. Break a leg.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

[Sheldon performs the splits and Mr. Lundy jumps on to a chair]
Sheldon: That looked dangerous.
Mr. Lundy: No, that looks dangerous.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I want to talk to you about this play.
Sheldon: I'm excited about it, too.
George Sr.: You know, if you play the part of a girl, people might make fun of you.
Sheldon: Mr. Lundy's trying to push the boundaries of drama in East Texas. One way to do that is cross-gender casting.
George Sr.: Let me rephrase that: if you play the part of a girl, people will make fun of you.
Sheldon: In Shakespeare's time, the men played all the female parts. No one made fun of it.
George Sr.: If Shakespeare went to public high school, it'd be a different story.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: You know, Sandy Duncan plays the part of Peter Pan-
George Sr.: Yeah, yeah, I heard.

Quote from Missy

Meemaw: Okay, who's excited?
George Jr.: I don't want to see Sheldon's stupid play, it's humiliating.
Missy: That's why I want to see it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I can't do this.
Mr. Lundy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: The play, I can't do it. There are too many people out there.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, that is just stage fright. That's completely normal.
Sheldon: No, this is a full-blown panic attack.
Mr. Lundy: All right, listen to me. You're feeling scared. I get that, but what you have to understand is you're not going out on that stage alone. Everybody, gather around, hmm? Uh, Sheldon, have you ever been to the circus?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mr. Lundy: Okay, good.
Sheldon: I had a panic attack there, too.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Mr. Lundy gave a compelling speech. The audience did deserve to see what they came for, an eager boy bravely taking on the role of Little Orphan Annie. And in that respect, they were not disappointed.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: On any given day, our school gymnasium presented a cocktail of horrors. From daily humiliation to school-sanctioned violence. But one day a year, the gymnasium was transformed into a haven of learning thanks to a remarkable institution known as the science fair. A chance for the student body to come together in the name of research and progress. Uh, while some did the bare minimum, and others preferred razzamatazz over raw data, I set out to save humanity from deadly asteroids.
And made it all neatly fit on three poster boards. The science fair may be a competition, but when the goal is promoting knowledge, we're all winners.

Quote from Sheldon

Mr. Givens: So while an animal cell has a membrane, a plant cell has a membrane and a cell wall.
Sheldon: Who cares?
Mr. Givens: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: Being disrespectful, sir.

Quote from Principal Petersen

Diane: Sheldon Cooper's outside.
Principal Petersen: Who sent him now?
Diane: Givens.
Principal Petersen: Well, you know what? Givens needs to man up. Cooper's a little boy. It's not hard to handle him.
Diane: I'll send him in.
Principal Petersen: H-Hold on a minute, just Does he know I'm in here?

Quote from Principal Petersen

Principal Petersen: You better run, you little punk!

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Maybe he should talk to somebody.
George Sr.: Not it.
Mary: I meant a professional, George.
Meemaw: But way to be a dad.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Goetsch: Welcome back.
Mary: Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, Doctor.
Dr. Goetsch: Oh, not a problem. Sheldon, I remember you. Do you remember me?
Sheldon: I remember everything.

Quote from Dr. Goetsch

Dr. Goetsch: For the longest time, I thought I was gonna be a professional figure skater.
Sheldon: And then you became disenchanted with the field like I did?
Dr. Goetsch: Exactly. Someone skated right over my foot. And that was that.
Sheldon: I'm not sure that's the same thing.
Dr. Goetsch: I'd say you lost your passion the way I lost my big toe.
Sheldon: Hmm.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Sheldon: Hello. Are you Mr. Lundy?
Mr. Lundy: My father is Mr. Lundy.
Sheldon: Well, then what should I call you?
Mr. Lundy: I guess Mr. Lundy. My father's dead.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: Can I help you?
Sheldon: I'm interested in becoming an actor.
Mr. Lundy: Well, good for you. You've come to the right place. You know, I-I've been a professional actor for years and years.
Sheldon: Really? What have you been in?
Mr. Lundy: Well, have you seen the mattress madness commercials on channel 68? [cut to a cheesy commercial] "I'm soft and firm in all the right places".

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Now, I was a little unsure at first, but Sandy Duncan does play Peter Pan, so when you think about it-
George Sr.: Connie, you're not helping.
Meemaw: Okay.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: I'm trying to protect you, son.
Sheldon: I appreciate that.
George Sr.: Good.
Sheldon: You're a football coach. Isn't it your responsibility to put in the best player for the job?
George Sr.: I guess.
Sheldon: Well, I want to do this, and Mr. Lundy said I was the best.
George Sr.: Okay. Can you at least wear pants instead of a dress?
Sheldon: I'll give you a definite maybe.

Quote from Mary

Mary: We're going to support your brother. Not another word about it.
George Sr.: Can we at least sit in the back?
Mary: Not a word.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: Okay, everybody, ten minutes to curtain. No smiling, girls, it's a hard knock life.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I'd tell you how an East Texas audience in 1989 responded to a grown man playing Annie, but I think you know.

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