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34Quotes from ‘An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room’

  • An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

    510. An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

    Aired January 6, 2022

    After Sheldon complains about the long gaps in his college schedule, President Hagemeyer gives him his own dorm room to stay in between classes. Meanwhile, June (Reba McEntire) wins big on one of Meemaw's machines.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: You see, humans have evolved as social animals, so your feeling hurt might be a deep evolutionary desire to cooperate with others to ensure your survival.
Sheldon: So, you're saying it makes sociobiological sense to want other people to like me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, and you may even get benefits from it. It's like on that show you enjoy, Star Track.
Sheldon: Trek.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. Captain Kirk can't do it all by himself. He needs Doctor Spock.
Sheldon: Mister.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. And Mister McCoy.
Sheldon: Doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right.
Sheldon: Well, technically, they were his subordinate officers, but Kirk did always deal with them in a friendly manner, so I take your point.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good man.
Sheldon: I suppose I could treat it like an experiment. Run an analysis of the benefits of having people like me.
Dr. John Sturgis: That sounds like an idea the Captain, the Doctor, or the Mister would be proud of.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, you'd think a smart fella like Spock would have a doctorate.
Sheldon: Actually, Spock rejected an offer from the Vulcan Science Academy in order to attend Starfleet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Not the choice I would have made, but I'm happy for him.

Quote from Sheldon

[When President Hagemeyer walks in to her office, she is surprised to see Sheldon seated at her desk facing away from the door. Hagemeyer tries to turn around and walk out]
Sheldon: I smell your perfume.
President Hagemeyer: So, what, pray tell, is today's problem?
Sheldon: I have a four-hour gap in my schedule.
President Hagemeyer: How is that a problem?
Sheldon: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, it's a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.
President Hagemeyer: Fine, go hang out in the cafeteria.
Sheldon: I don't "hang."
President Hagemeyer: Go to the library.
Sheldon: Too noisy.
President Hagemeyer: Take a nap. Kids love those.
Sheldon: In a public place? I'm sorry, is this Woodstock?

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: So those are the Clampetts, and they moved from the backwoods to Beverly Hills.
Missy: Oh, in 90210 the Walshes moved from Minnesota.
George Sr.: They have a hard time fitting in with those California snobs?
Missy: Oh, yeah.
George Sr.: These guys do, too.
Missy: It's practically the same show.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Your mother and I are worried that your friends at school might be taking advantage of you.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
George Sr.: [sighs] They might not be using it in the... the spirit that you intended.
Sheldon: How are they using it?
George Sr.: Mary?
Mary: [sighs] We're worried that those couples are not going there to study...
Sheldon: But that's why I'm lending them the room.
Mary: And that is why we are concerned.
Sheldon: Are you saying they're using it as a goof-off room?
George Sr.: Yes. [stammers] That's exactly what we're saying.
Sheldon: Well, let's drive over there right now and catch them in the act.
Mary: No!
George Sr.: Let's just let them finish... goofing off tonight, and we'll put a stop to it tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, thank you for telling me.
Mary: We thought that you should know. [both exit]
Sheldon: Mm. [to himself] Those dirty goof-offs.

Quote from June

June: Whoa, and the '70s are back. All we need are the Bee Gees and bell-bottoms, and it's Studio 54.
George Jr.: I don't know what any of that means, but all right.
June: So, I guess your meemaw came over on our side.
George Jr.: No. She pissed me off, so now she gets a disco ball.
June: I don't want to get caught in the middle of a family squabble.
George Jr.: Oh, don't worry, she'll know it was me.
June: Then I love it.
George Jr.: Now, what's a Bee Gee?
June: It's a brother singing band. They did all the music for Saturday Night Fever.
George Jr.: What's Saturday Night Fever?
June: Damn, I'm old.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I think I might know why those kids want to use his room.
Mary: Well, he said for studying.
George Sr.: They ain't studying.
Missy: Oh, now it makes sense.
Mary: You really think they're...
George Sr.: A bunch of college kids in an empty dorm room?
Mary: [sighs] Should we tell him?
George Sr.: I don't want to tell him. Do you?
Missy: I'll tell him.
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Oh, hang on, she volunteered.
Mary: No.

Quote from George Sr.

Missy: Can we watch 90210?
George Sr.: What's that?
Missy: It's about kids who go to school in Beverly Hills.
George Sr.: [groans] If you want to see a show about Beverly Hills, we should watch Beverly Hillbillies. [chuckles] That's a show.
Missy: What's it about?
George Sr.: Eh... Imagine your meemaw moving to California.
Missy: I'd watch that.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You know what your problem is? You don't like anything you didn't think of yourself.
Meemaw: Is that so?
George Jr.: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I thought of bringing you in, and that wasn't a good idea.
George Jr.: If that's how you feel, then we got nothing more to talk about.
Meemaw: I guess not.
George Jr.: Well, okay. [awkward silence]
Meemaw: You can go now.
George Jr.: My chicken fingers ain't here yet.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Over the next several days, my social experiment was providing clear-cut data about the benefits of being well-liked.
Matt: Hey, Sheldon. Heard you like these.
Sheldon: Thank you. It's the best watery chocolate milk on the market.
Matt: Thank you for letting me use your room.
Adult Sheldon: I suppose it was like the old saying, "I scratch your back, you scratch mine," which I actually have issues with. Why is your back itchy? A rash? Chicken pox? Scabies? Scratch your own back.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: How are you today?
Sam: Since when do you care?
Sheldon: 12:07 yesterday. In light of the fact that we're both human beings and have a genetic interest in each other's prosperity, you may use my dorm room to study.
Sam: Wait, are you serious? That would be amazing.
Sheldon: Good. And does that make you feel more positive about me, less positive, or neutral?
Sam: Um, more, I guess.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Adult Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis may have been onto something. It did feel nice to be liked. Not as nice as knowing you're the smartest boy in Texas, but what was?

Quote from Sheldon

Sam: This is so unfair. You get so much more than every other student.
Sheldon: Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing. Fair is everyone getting what they deserve.
Sam: Sheldon, that arrogant attitude is why no one sits with you in class or lunch or ever.
Sheldon: Well, I like to think that they're maintaining a respectful distance out of deference to my intellect.
Sam: No. That's not what they're doing. They're avoiding you because you're an entitled brat who thinks that you're better than everybody else.
Sheldon: So, I should just pretend I'm less intelligent than I am?
Sam: You should realize that there are more important things in life than how smart you are.
Sheldon: Well, I'm also cute as a button, but it seems shallow to say it. [an exasperated Sam walks away] You could say it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sam: Wait, you have a single?
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Sam: And you don't even sleep here?
Sheldon: Well, sometimes I take naps, but that mattress is lumpy, lumpy.
Sam: I live with two other girls in a room this size.
Sheldon: You should've complained to President Hagemeyer. She was very accommodating.
Sam: Wait, there are two closets?
Sheldon: That's a bathroom.
Sam: Are you kidding me? I share one with, like, 30 other people.
Sheldon: That sounds yucky.
Sam: It is, Sheldon. It is very yucky. However yucky you think it is, it is yuckier.
Sheldon: Well, you're welcome to use mine. Just squat over the seat, don't sit.

Quote from Sheldon

Sam: Well, I was gonna study in my dorm, but there was a sock on my door.
Sheldon: Oh, and you didn't want to touch it. I understand completely.
Sam: Yeah, you really don't, but that's fine.
Sheldon: Well, I have a room here, so you could study with me if you'd like.
Sam: Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. [chuckles]
Sheldon: Why was there a sock on your door?
Sam: It's like a signal.
Sheldon: A signal for what?
Sam: A signal that I should change the subject. How are your classes going?
Sheldon: So well, thank you for asking.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: From grade school to high school, every moment of the day is accounted for. From the morning bell to dismissal, you knew where you were supposed to be, what you were going to be learning, and which poor excuse for a teacher you would have to correct.
[flashback:]
Sheldon: Ms. Ingram, can I offer a suggestion?
Ms. Ingram: What?
Sheldon: Never mind. You do it your way.
[flashback:]
Mr. Givens: Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I don't find that interesting.
[flashback:]
Coach Wilkins: Cooper? [sighs]
Sheldon: If you're going to ask us to run, don't you think you should lead by example?
[present:]
Adult Sheldon: None of this prepared me for the gap-filled, Swiss cheese anarchy of a college schedule. Look at these poor saps. Desperately trying to occupy their time until the next class.

Quote from Sheldon

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I'm not the one who made your schedule.
Sheldon: No, but as the president of the university, you do have the power to adjust the class times.
President Hagemeyer: So, you expect me to disrupt the schedule of hundreds of students for your convenience?
Sheldon: Finally, we're on the same page.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I have work to do, and I'm sure that you can solve this one on your own.
Sheldon: I suppose a nap might be refreshing. What kind of lumbar support does that couch have?
President Hagemeyer: That's it. Come with me.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Maybe we could give out punch cards, like they do at the sandwich shop.
Meemaw: Punch cards for what?
George Jr.: You know, every ten times you come here, you get a free play.
Meemaw: What's to keep people from punching it themselves?
George Jr.: I'm getting me a free sandwich.

Quote from Sheldon

President Hagemeyer: Here we are.
Sheldon: [chuckles] What is this?
President Hagemeyer: A dorm room, and it's all yours. You can study, take naps, do whatever you want.
Sheldon: No one's living here?
President Hagemeyer: Well, we had an Indian exchange student, but he developed a taste for barbecue, so his parents made him go home.
Sheldon: Well, thank you for this.
President Hagemeyer: You're welcome.
Sheldon: It's like I always say, never underestimate the power of complaining.
Adult Sheldon: I've been testing that theory for decades, still works like gangbusters.

Quote from George Jr.

Meemaw: So, how we doing?
George Jr.: Not bad, but I still think if you let me advertise, we could get more people in here.
Meemaw: How do you advertise a place that ain't exactly legal?
George Jr.: People love secrets. We could get flyers that say, "Come to our secret gambling room, but, shh, don't tell anybody."
Meemaw: That's how I feel about your ideas, "Shh, don't tell anybody."

Quote from June

June: Hey, y'all.
Meemaw: Hey, June. Glad you finally came down.
June: This is so fun, sneaking in through the back alley. [chuckles] Y'all should get a secret knock.
George Jr.: 'Cause secrets are fun, right?
June: Absolutely.
George Jr.: [to Meemaw] Told you.
Meemaw: Go do your job.
June: So, how's this all work?
Meemaw: You play, you lose, you go home smelling like cigarettes.
June: You just described my love life. [Meemaw laughs]

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: And if you're gonna take naps in your dorm, you might want an alarm clock.
George Sr.: And remember, no parties. [Sheldon is silent] That was a joke.
Sheldon: And now I know.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: How did this happen?
June: I got three bananas, and it asked me if I wanted to parlay, and I said, "Well, that sounds like fun," so I hit that button, and I went, "Whoo-hoo!" 'cause I won.
Meemaw: [laughs] This has got to be a glitch. Go get a manual and-and-and look up "glitch."
George Jr.: We have a manual?
Meemaw: Just find one.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: [enters] Where's Georgie?
George Sr.: In the garage.
Meemaw: Disco ball, my ass.
George Sr.: [chuckles] What's going on?
Meemaw: It's a gambling room, not a damn dance club, that's what's going on. Georgie!
Missy: [gets up] I want to watch that show.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [picks up phone] Hi, Travis. Oh, Monday's no good. I can pencil you in for Wednesday. You got it. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Mary: Is that a friend from school?
Sheldon: I suppose.
Mary: Well, that's exciting.
Sheldon: And a little exhausting. I've been letting students use my dorm to study while I'm not there, and it's made me very popular.
Mary: It's nice that you're helping people out. [phone rings]
Sheldon: Yes, but who knew having friends involved so much scheduling?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: It turns out it's easy to make people like you. You just have to give them things.
Sam: Wow. I think you've really discovered something here.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should publish before someone else stumbles onto it.
Bobby: Oh. Hey.
Sheldon: An all-nighter, huh?
Bobby: Oh, yeah. All night. Thank you.
Sheldon: Someone's gonna ace those midterms.
Bobby: Yeah, you know it.
Sheldon: My room has become quite the little study hall.
Sam: Yeah, they may not be... Uh, you know what, you're fine.

Quote from Meemaw

Wade: I think it's pretty.
Meemaw: Nobody asked you, Wade.
June: We may need to have a chat about customer service.
Meemaw: We're gonna have a chat about a lot of things, starting with how come you're redecorating without even asking me.
June: I'm a partner.
Meemaw: A silent partner.
June: Hey, I can help here.
George Jr.: She's got some good ideas.
Meemaw: So, you're on her side now?
George Jr.: A good idea's a good idea, who cares where it comes from.
June: Thank you. And I like your idea about putting a dartboard in the corner.
Meemaw: Oh. So, this is how it's gonna be? Fine. When Wade here takes a dart to the head, don't come crying to me.
Wade: I don't want a dart in the head.

Quote from June

Meemaw: What the hell is all this?
George Jr.: June brought in twinkle lights.
Meemaw: Oh, did she?
George Jr.: I thought it might make things a little more festive.
Meemaw: Looks like Christmas in jail.
June: [laughs] I actually have a really good story about that.
Meemaw: Take it down.
June: Maybe when you're in a better mood.

Quote from Sheldon

Bobby: Hey. Did I just hear you say you have a dorm room you're letting people use?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm letting Sam use it to study.
Bobby: You think there's any chance my girlfriend and I could use it sometime?
Sheldon: You two study together?
Bobby: We'd like to. It's been a while.
Sheldon: Well, I use it during the day, so it's only available at night.
Bobby: Nights work for us.
Sheldon: Then it's all yours.
Bobby: [chuckles] Thanks, man.
Sheldon: And how does this make you feel about me? More positive, less positive, or neutral?
Bobby: Really, really positive.
Sheldon: Great. Tell a friend.
Bobby: All right.
Sheldon: I might have to draw up a schedule.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hey, you better appreciate what you got. There's a lot of kids out there who have way less than you.
Missy: I guess.
George Sr.: You have your own room. I never had that growing up. And then I was in the barracks, and then I married your mother.
Missy: Dang. [chuckles]
George Sr.: Yeah. Tell me about it.
Mary: What happened to appreciating what you have?
George Sr.: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: Well, is she a partner forever or just until she gets her money back?
Meemaw: I don't know.
George Jr.: Seems like an important question to ask.
Meemaw: Well, I didn't ask it.
George Jr.: All this yelling can't be good for your blood pressure.
Meemaw: You're right. I think I'm just gonna step outside and have a cigarette.
George Jr.: Smoking ain't any better.
Meemaw: Good. Perhaps the end is near.

Quote from June

Meemaw: So, Georgie found the manual and figured out what the problem was.
June: I know the problem. I cleaned you out.
Meemaw: Because when these machines get unplugged, they reset at the highest possible payout.
June: Wow, sounds like your problem.
Meemaw: Well... I don't have $11,000.
June: I understand.
Meemaw: Thank you.
June: So, what are you gonna do about it?
Meemaw: Well, obviously, lunch is on me.
June: Oh, wow. The whole lunch? Even the little frilly toothpicks?
Meemaw: What do you want me to do?
June: Make me a partner.
Meemaw: What? No. I already brought Georgie in, I have to pay the police off, I can't have another hand in the till.
June: Sounds like your problem again.

Quote from June

June: Whoo-hoo! [laughing] [machine dinging]
Meemaw: Sounds like you're doing okay down here.
June: Oh, I'm doing better than okay. I hit big.
George Jr.: Whoa. $11,000?
Meemaw: That can't be right.
June: Well, I see two ones and three zeroes. Last time I checked, that's 11,000.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Found the manual.
Meemaw: Great. [looks at manual] This is for the washing machines.
George Jr.: I'll be back.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Wait, he has a room here and at school?
George Sr.: Well, it's just for downtime in between classes.
Missy: [sighs] Why is his life constantly better than mine?
Sheldon: That's a question you should get used to asking.
Mary: Don't be rude. And you have a very nice life.
Missy: Yeah, yeah, loving parents, blah, blah, blah.

Quote from Missy

Missy: [answers phone] Hello? Sheldon, it's for you.
Sheldon: Who is it?
Missy: Who is it? Travis.
George Sr.: Who's Travis?
Missy: Who are you? Friend of Sheldon's.
George Sr.: Really?
Missy: Really?

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