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43Quotes from ‘Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan’

Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan

206. Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan

Aired October 25, 2018

When Mary is put in charge of the church's "Hell House" this Halloween, she turns to drama teacher Mr. Lundy for advice but gets more than she bargained for. Meanwhile, Georgie asks Sheldon to introduce him to the teenage girl he's tutoring.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I can't believe this.
George Sr.: No good?
Mary: It's awful. It makes sin seem like a good thing.
George Sr.: Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing, nobody would do it.
Mary: George, please, I'm in no mood.
George Sr.: Hey. Wrath. That's one of the seven sins, right?
Mary: Pastor Jeff gave me this project because he knew I'd be best at it. Now Gene Lundy is taking over.
George Sr.: Oh, look, pride. And envy. Don't stop. Four sins to go. I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Tam: You see a large red button. What do you do?
Billy Sparks: I press it.
Tam: The floor opens up and you plunge into a 60-foot pit.
Billy Sparks: I fly out. Up, up, and away!
Sheldon: Again, you're not Superman in this game; you're Superman for Halloween.
Tam: Which isn't till next week.
Billy Sparks: So I'm in a pit.
Tam: You're in a pit.
Billy Sparks: Then I blast my way out with my super breath! [BLOWING]
Sheldon: Just let him do it.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Adult Sheldon: I know what you're thinking: she's going to tear his throat out. But what in fact happened is she did what she thought Jesus would do. She went home and made that tuna casserole. It was a little salty but I ate it because she was in a mood.

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: Hang on, y'all are trying to scare people into joining the church?
Mary: Yeah. But people like getting scared on Halloween anyway. Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?
Sheldon: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary: They burn in hell. Because God loves 'em.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: I already know the first change I'm gonna make. Instead of calling it "Hell House," which is a little off-putting, I'm gonna call it "Heck House." Isn't that great?
George Sr.: That is great.
George Jr.: You don't really mean that.
George Sr.: Yes, I do.
George Jr.: Oh, I get it. Happy wife, happy life.
George Sr.: You need to stop talking.

Quote from Missy

Missy: So it's not gonna be scary?
Mary: It will, but without all the blood and gore.
Missy: But I like blood and gore.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Hi, Georgie.
George Jr.: Why was Veronica Duncan hugging you?
Sheldon: I'm tutoring her in trigonometry.
George Jr.: And that gets you hugs?
Sheldon: Thanks to me, she got her first C-minus. Just between us, she's a little slow.
George Jr.: That's not what I heard.
Sheldon: What did you hear? Is she secretly clever? Because if she is, I completely missed it.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: You just need to introduce me to her.
Sheldon: Why?
George Jr.: I want to be her friend.
Sheldon: Well, you better take a number. She's friends with a lot of boys around here.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mary: Um, I was hoping to put on a little play in each of the rooms that portrays one of the seven deadly sins.
Mr. Lundy: Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath and greed!
Mary: Wow, you know your sins!
Mr. Lundy: Well, again, I'm an actor. They are the tools in my box.

Quote from Mary

Mary: What do you think? Pretty great, huh? Realtor's letting us use it for free.
Meemaw: Wow. How'd you swing that?
Mary: Well, I promised Fred Murphy a lead role in the lust room.
Meemaw: Ooh.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Look at you, just wheeling and dealing like a big-time Hollywood producer. Maybe you're in the wrong business.
Mary: Being a mother?
Meemaw: Being a Christian.
Mary: Ah.

Quote from Meemaw

Mr. Lundy: Greetings!
Mary: Oh, good! Mr. Lundy, you made it.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, we're gonna be working together. You can call me Gene.
Mary: All right, Gene, this is my mother, Connie.
Mr. Lundy: Hi.
Meemaw: Hello.
Mr. Lundy: Now, I would've bet she was your big sister.
Meemaw: I thought you said he was a good actor.

Quote from Meemaw

Mr. Lundy: Now, the script calls for me to appear from beneath the house in a cloud of smoke.
But I think that's gonna be ambitious.
Mary: Script? What script?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, I wrote a script. Don't worry about it.
Mary: I was gonna write the script.
Mr. Lundy: Well, now you don't have to.
Mary: Do you believe this?
Meemaw: Believe it, love it, glad I didn't wait in the car.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Did you know Superman has a dog? His name is Krypto. He plays fetch in space.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: Greetings. Pleased to meet you. I go by many names: Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub. Of course, when I make a dinner reservation, I-I go by "Eric." It's easier to spell.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Eh! I can't believe no one in this town knows who Carl Sagan is. Why even have a TV?

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Look at this. We threw a party for heaven and nobody came. Not one person chose to be saved.
George Sr.: Well, did you tell 'em about the cupcakes?

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Where I think you went wrong is in your timing. If you'd done this deal during a war or a plague, then you'd have a boatload of converts.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: Famine. Famine would bring 'em in.
Mary: What do you know about famine?

Quote from Adult Sheldon

All: Trick or treat.
Judy: Aren't y'all precious. And you look like a little Carl Sagan.
Adult Sheldon: Vindication, the sweetest candy of all.

Quote from Peg

Pastor Jeff: As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House may have been a tad traumatizing.
I thought it was a hoot.
Peg: Some of the little ones peed their pants.
Pastor Jeff: But that wasn't the goal.
Peg: A nine-year-old crapped himself.

Quote from Peg

Mary: I always felt I had a flair for the creative arts, but putting on a big show like that-
Pastor Jeff: You'll have a sizable budget and all the help you'll need constructing sets, building props, special effects, makeup.
Mary: Does sound tempting.
Pastor Jeff: But, most importantly, you'll have an opportunity to bring people to God by vividly demonstrating the perils of sin.
Peg: Be careful if you touch on adultery. Last year, one of the actors got pregnant.
Pastor Jeff: Thanks, Peg.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: Now, remember, next week, we start our work on Streetcar Named Desire. So please prepare a monologue for either Blanche or Stanley. Usually, the girls do Blanche and the boys do Stanley, but no judgment. You follow your heart.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mary: Thank you again for letting me come by to pick your brain.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, please. Anything for the church.
Mary: Are you a religious man?
Mr. Lundy: I'm an actor. I'm whatever you need me to be.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mary: As I told you on the phone, I have been tasked with mounting this year's Halloween production.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, is that a haunted house kind of deal?
Mary: Yes, but with the goal of bringing people to God.
Mr. Lundy: I do know something about that. When I played Puck in Midsummer, the Tulsa Herald called my performance heavenly.
Mary: Wow! Good for you.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you, thank you.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: Um, have you considered a narrator, you know, um, like, a tour guide kind of thing?
Mary: Oh, that's interesting. But who would that be?
Mr. Lundy: Well, I'd have to think the big man himself.
Mary: God?
Mr. Lundy: Satan.
Mary: Oh! That's spooky. And he's trying to lure people toward sin.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly.
Mary: That's a pretty big role. I wonder who could do it.
Mr. Lundy: Huh. Well, it would have to be someone with enough range to convey sincerity and charm, all the while, hiding a dark and corrupt soul!
Mary: Good golly. If you were just a little taller, you'd be perfect.
Mr. Lundy: I have lifts.

Quote from George Jr.

Veronica: Hey. What's up?
Sheldon: This is my brother Georgie. He wanted to meet you.
Veronica: Really?
George Jr.: Really.
Veronica: I like your hair.
George Jr.: Uh, me, too.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mary: So, what do you think?
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Spiderwebs.
Mary: What?
Mr. Lundy: We're gonna need some spiderwebs and I think maybe some fire effects on the left and right side of the portal.
Mary: Portal?
Mr. Lundy: Portal to hell.
Mary: [CHUCKLING] Sure, sure.

Quote from George Jr.

Tam: Hey, Georgie. I saw you talking to Veronica Duncan.
George Jr.: Yeah. So?
Tam: How well do you know her?
George Jr.: Not as well as I'm gonna.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I introduced them. Her math skills are dreadful.

Quote from Mary

Fred: Will there be kissing and touching?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, you bet.
Mary: Mm. Mm.
Mr. Lundy: Now what?
Mary: Pretend kissing. Pretend touching.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mary: Do I need to remind you that the purpose of Heck House is to show how sins destroy our lives?
Mr. Lundy: Yeah, so?
Mary: You are making them into a good thing.
Mr. Lundy: Have you read the script? He's gonna get syphilis. He goes home, he gives it to his wife. She goes crazy. She kills him and her entire family. What am I missing?

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mary: I will not have innocent children walk through this house on Halloween and see a half-naked woman.
Mr. Lundy: A half-naked woman chock-full of syphilis.
Both: What?
Mr. Lundy: It's pretend syphilis.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: Mary, I am a trained theater professional. Why don't you just let me do what I do, while you, you know, go home and make a nice tuna casserole.

Quote from Mary

Mr. Lundy: Before we begin tonight's descent into Heck, I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
Mary: 'Cause it's all about you, isn't it?

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: I was God's chosen angel. I was his favorite. We used to go camping together. But then, because I wanted to have a little bit of fun, I was cast from heaven. Tonight, you will bear witness to that fun. You will decide whether it is sinful or just another Saturday night. [LAUGHS] Come with me if you dare. [THUNDER RUMBLES] Just watch your step right over here, 'cause there's some electrical wires.

Quote from Sheldon

All: Trick or treat.
Melissa: Oh, look how cute y'all are. Now, I know you are Superman. What about the rest of you?
Missy: I'm Cyndi Lauper.
Tam: I'm a wizard.
Melissa: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: And I'm Carl Sagan.
Melissa: Who?
Sheldon: Carl Sagan. He's the host of Cosmos.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Melissa: Well, isn't that something. Now, y'all be safe and have a fun night.
Billy Sparks: I'm Super-[door shuts]

Quote from Veronica

Veronica: You as smart as your brother?
George Jr.: Nobody is.
Veronica: I got an older sister that's kind of a genius.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah? Why didn't she tutor you?
Veronica: She's in jail.
George Jr.: What'd she do?
Veronica: She sold a pinata full of weed to an undercover cop.
George Jr.: Doesn't sound like much of a genius.
Veronica: Oh, I don't know, she graduated high school.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: So you see, the sin of greed. Very wealthy man, a beautiful house, swimming pool, several German cars, and a young wife who worshipped him.
Mary: Excuse me, Mr. Satan.
Mr. Lundy: What?
Mary: You kind of left out how greed is the root of all evil, and how it corrupts the soul.
Mr. Lundy: It's in there. It's called subtext.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Stupid Mrs. Gifford gave me a banana.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Where's Billy?
Missy: He had to go to the bathroom.
Tam: So he went home?
Missy: No. He's right behind that tree.
Billy Sparks: Wait up, guys. Oh, I got a little on my cape.
Missy: Ew.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My mother's fears that no one would be saved that Halloween night were proven incorrect.
Mr. Lundy: As they kissed, she thought about the choices that led her to this moment.
Adult Sheldon: Mr. Lundy's scene about lust made a deep impact on my brother's date.
Mr. Lundy: Her youth was gone. She had traded her beauty for a few tawdry dollars, and now she had nothing left but shame and venereal disease.
Adult Sheldon: She asked to be saved by Jesus.
Veronica: [CRYING] I don't want to live like this anymore.
Mary: Oh, just repeat after me-
Adult Sheldon: And as it turns out, she was. She went on to live a life devoted to God, feeding the poor, even helping her sister start a literacy program for female prisoners. My brother, on the other hand, became a devout atheist after that night.
Mary: We got one!

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