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62Quotes from ‘Pilot’

Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired September 25, 2017

When nine-year-old Sheldon Cooper starts high-school in his football-loving, God-fearing East Texas town, he must adapt to a world where intelligence isn't always rewarded.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor: In Matthew nine, verse four, Jesus said, "Why would you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?"
Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Mary: Ssh.
Sheldon: I just don't think this part applies to me.
Mary: That's fine. Be quiet and listen.
Sheldon: I'm only nine years old. Most evil doesn't start till puberty.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Quote from Missy

Missy: All I know is, he's not in the same grade as me any more. And I'm thrilled.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: That was the first time I held my father's hand. I wouldn't touch my brother's hand until seventeen years later, thanks to the invention of Purell.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. MacElroy: What?
Sheldon: Also in violation of the grooming code on page 48, article five, subsection B, you have a bit of a mustache.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Jane Goodall had to go to Africa to study apes. I just had to go to dinner.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Lord, look after my son. Don't let him get stuffed in a gym bag.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Why can't we watch Duck Tales?
Sheldon: Because we don't learn anything.
Missy: It's TV! We aren't supposed to learn.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: That's enough. Now, let's pray.
Sheldon: A moment please.
George Sr.: Hmm.
Mary: Leave him be.
George Sr.: He can hold hands with his family. It won't kill him.
Sheldon: We don't know that.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: (Observing the older kids outside the High School) Oh dear.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Everybody excited to start school Monday?
Sheldon: I am.
Missy: I guess so.
Mary: Georgie? Freshman year, that's a big deal.
George Jr.: How can I be excited when he's gonna be in the same grade as me?
Sheldon: Don't worry, Georgie. I'm not planning on being in the ninth grade for very long.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I was exploring dimensional kinematics.
George Jr.: Admit it. He's adopted.
Sheldon: How can I be adopted when I have a twin sister? Think, monkey, think.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Georgie, did you wash your hands before dinner? Or even this week?
George Jr.: None of your business.
Sheldon: Hence the mittens.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: You're not gonna make it in this school if you keep ratting people out.
Sheldon: But they were breaking the grooming codes and the dress codes. I saw one boy with a t-shirt that said *leaning in and whispering* "Bite me".
George Sr.: Yeah, that's terrible.
*Sheldon nods*

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I've always loved trains. In fact, if my career in theoretical physics hadn't worked out, my backup plan was to become a professional ticket taker. Or hobo.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Good luck with your finger painting.
Missy: You're gonna get your ass kicked in high school.
Mary: (flicks Missy on the head) Hey!

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What the hell were you doing out there?
Mary: George, language.
George Sr.: What language?

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Did you ever wonder why we moved from Galveston to Medford?
Sheldon: I tend to worry about the bigger questions.
George Sr.: Okay. Well, here's why. Your Dad had a real good coaching job and I saw some grown-ups breaking rules.
Sheldon: What'd they do?
George Sr.: I-It's kind of complicated, but football coaches aren't allowed to recruit kids from other high schools to play on their teams.
Sheldon: And you told on them?
George Sr.: Yeah. You know what happened?
Sheldon: Justice descended on the rule breakers?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm not going to be assaulted. High school is a haven for higher learning.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Hey, mom, look. That girl's pregnant.
Mary: Congratulations.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Missy: I'm having one right now.
Sheldon: Really? What is it?
Missy: When we get home, I'm gonna kick your little balls.
Sheldon: You can't. They haven't descended yet.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, it's your last day of summer. Go out and enjoy it.
Sheldon: But I have to learn the student handbook. Ooh, did you know extreme hairstyles, goatees and mustaches are not allowed?
Mary: I didn't.
Sheldon: I personally find that very reassuring.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I smell ammonia. They must've done a thorough cleaning recently. I like that.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Fenley: You have perfect pitch.
Sheldon: Okay.
Ms. Fenley: Sweetheart, you should really pursue music.
Sheldon: No, thank you. Musicians take drugs. Is there a faculty restroom I could use?

Quote from Sheldon

Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Hello, Billy Sparks. Hello, Matilda Sparks.
Billy Sparks: I heard you're going to high school tomorrow.
Sheldon: I am. You're going to have to find someone else to torment on the playground.
Billy Sparks: "Torment"?
Sheldon: (sighs) It means to maliciously harass.
Billy Sparks: "Her ass"? (chuckles) That's funny.
Sheldon: Well, this was nice.
Billy Sparks: [holds chicken close to Sheldon's face] Hey, doofus! (squawks)
Sheldon: Mom!

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: I'll go with you, Mom.
Missy: Why are you going? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: No, but I believe in Mom.
Mary: I'll take it.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: Can I drive in with you?
George Sr.: Sure.
Missy: Everybody's gonna know he's your brother. It's gonna be awful for you.
George Jr.: Tell her to shut up.
George Sr.: She's not wrong.

Quote from Missy

Mary: George Junior, give me back that bow-tie right now!
George Jr.: I didn't take it!
Mary: Don't you lie to me!
George Jr.: I'm not lying!
Mary: We'll see about that.
George Jr.: Stay out of my room!
Missy: She's gonna find your dirty magazines.
George Jr.: Shut up!
Missy: You are not having a good day.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I got fired, Sheldon. And I got a bad reputation.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: And when I figured out that trains allowed me to prove Newton's first law An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force I felt like Neil Armstrong on the moon, alone and happy.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I can't be in the same school as him!
George Sr.: Well, I don't see what choice you have.
George Jr.: Right. Ever since he could talk, I quit having any choices.
George Sr.: I know it's hard. I'm telling you, as your coach, quit your whining, get your uniform on and you get your ass back out there.
George Jr.: But what about as my dad?
George Sr.: Your dad is having a bad day. Listen to your coach.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I don't care how dimwitted you are, scientific principles have to make you smile. Of course, nobody I knew in East Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig.

Quote from Mary

Mary: That's enough. No one's adopted.
Missy: I wish I was.
Mary: That can still be arranged.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game?
Mary: Not really. I always lose.
Sheldon: I know. That's why it's fun.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Okay, well You have a good day. And I'll pick you up after school, same door we came in.
Sheldon: Are you crying or having an allergy attack?
Mary: Allergies.
Sheldon: It's probably the ammonia.
Mary: Probably.

Quote from Ms. MacElroy

Ms. MacElroy: This is a stupid idea. This boy does not belong in our school.
Principal Petersen: Come on Vicky, it's just the first day. Why don't we all just take a deep breath here?
Ms. MacElroy: The hell with that.

Quote from Mary

Principal Petersen: George, you got any thoughts here?
George Sr.: I certainly do. Mary, tell him.
Mary: It's simple. We don't have a choice.
Principal Petersen: Well, you gave it a shot. We wish you luck with Sheldon elsewhere-
Mary: No, no, no. We don't have a choice. He's got to stay here. We can't afford private school. I sure can't homeschool him. He's doing calculus and Euclidean something or other.
Ms. Ingram: Euclidean geometry. Guess where I learned that.
Mary: Yeah, yeah, we know.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Hey, he was about to power a clock with a potato.
George Sr.: Not possible.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You know what I find comforting?
Mary: What's that, baby?
Sheldon: In a world filled with uncertainty, this place will be here forever.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Go play.
Sheldon: "Go play" if only life were that simple.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Fenley: Do you know this sonata?
Sheldon: No.
Ms. Fenley: How long have you played the piano?
Sheldon: I don't play piano.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Missy: Sheldon, if you don't get in here, - I'm gonna lick your toothbrush!
Sheldon: Coming!
Adult Sheldon: That's my sister. And she's done it before.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: It was family dinners like this that led me to adopt a mid-Atlantic accent. Nobel Prize winners (in a Southern accent) ought not be orderin' tater tots.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My mom was my Christian soldier. And for the record, they descended when I was 15.

Quote from Mary

Mary: What am I supposed to do? His feet are growing.
George Sr.: Why can't he wear Georgie's old shoes?
Mary: He won't hold your hand. You think he's gonna put his feet in his brother's smelly shoes?

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: She's lying. She just said that to make you feel better. Mom doesn't lie.
Sheldon: Sure, she thinks the Earth was made in six days, but that's 'cause she's gullible, not a liar.

Quote from Mary

Missy: Mom, Sheldon can't find his bow-tie.
Mary: Really? I laid it out for him.
George Sr.: Leave it alone, Mary. He doesn't need a bow-tie.
Mary: It's his first day of school. Let him wear what he wants.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, you don't really need a tie.
Sheldon: I have to find my tie. I have to find my tie.
Mary: Be right back.
Sheldon: Professor Proton wears a bow-tie!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That boy has an exposed tattoo.
Mary: He does.
Sheldon: I wonder if he knows that's in violation of the dress code.

Quote from Mary

Mary: And remember, if anybody bothers you, what do you say?
Sheldon: My dad's a football coach.
Mary: And?
Sheldon: My brother's a football player.
Mary: Good.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [emerging from the boys' room] Well, that was revolting.
Mary: [arriving at Sheldon's homeroom] All right. This is your homeroom. Do you want me to go in with you?
Sheldon: No. Although I could've used you in the restroom.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Okay. Let the learning begin.

Quote from Ms. MacElroy

Ms. MacElroy: All right, everybody, my name is Ms. MacElroy. In addition to being your homeroom teacher, I'll be seeing some of you in my English class, and some of you on the volleyball court. Just to give you a little history, I've been here at Medford for 29 years I taught some of your older brothers and sisters, and sadly, some of your parents. Not much I haven't seen. Until today. I'm sure you're well aware we have a student with us, who, despite his young age, is remarkably gifted. And I expect y'all to make him feel welcome.

Quote from Mary

Mary: All I care about is that my son gets the education he deserves, so you all are gonna have to figure this out.
Principal Petersen: Coach, can you help me out here, please? 'Cause I'm dyin'.
George Sr.: I'd rather not.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: You mean Sheldon? You can't let that bother you.
George Jr.: It doesn't bother you? You got called to the principal's office.
George Sr.: Yeah, that wasn't so great.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Missy, go somewhere else. I need to talk to your brother.
Missy: Why don't you go somewhere else and I can watch Duck-
George Sr.: Go!
Missy: I hate everybody.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Dad, are you sad that you got fired?
George Sr.: Mostly angry. But, yeah, maybe a little sad.

Sheldon: Quote from unidentified character.

Quote from Professor Proton

Professor Proton: Can a clock be powered by an ordinary potato? I hope so, boys and girls, or this is going to be a really boring episode.

Episode 102