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43Quotes from ‘A Couple Bruised Ribs and a Cereal Box Ghost Detector’

: A Couple Bruised Ribs and a Cereal Box Ghost Detector

318. A Couple Bruised Ribs and a Cereal Box Ghost Detector

Aired March 12, 2020

When Ms. Hutchins is injured at a school football game, George feels guilty so the Cooper family take her in as she recuperates. Meanwhile, Meemaw gives Georgie relationship advice.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Moon Pie, I know you don't like to hear this, but there are some things in life that can only be learned in time.
Sheldon: So you must have learned them all, huh?
Meemaw: Get out of my house.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Whoa.
Sheldon: What's that?
Missy: It's a ghost detector that came in my cereal box.
Sheldon: It's just a piece of paper.
Missy: Then why did it move in my hand?
Sheldon: From perspiration.
Missy: Or ghosts.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Did he apologize?
Mary: No. He is very upset with you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm upset with him.
Mary: That doesn't excuse you from trying to get him in trouble by calling Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Who else was I supposed to tattle to? I doubt his mother's still alive.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Sheldon, I understand why you're upset, but you still owe him an apology.
Sheldon: Then you don't understand.
Mary: Well, for now, it sounds like you two could use a little quiet time.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll switch over to Dr. Linkletter's class. He's a foot taller than Sturgis and can reach more of the chalkboard.

Quote from George Sr.

Ms. Hutchins: Hi, George.
George Sr.: Oh, hey, Ms. Hutchins. I don't think I've ever seen you at a game before.
Ms. Hutchins: Well, uh, it's Friday, and I promised my therapist I'd try one new thing a week.
George Sr.: And you picked football. Good for you.
Ms. Hutchins: I don't suppose Sheldon's here?
George Sr.: Nah, he doesn't much care for outdoor sports. Or sports. Or the outdoors.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

George Sr.: Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Ms. Hutchins: I don't think so.
George Sr.: [to Coach Wilkins] Call an ambulance. [to Ms. Hutchins] Don't worry, we're gonna get you taken care of.
Ms. Hutchins: If I die, tell my therapist I hate him.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And who says you have to be mature to go to college? I've seen Animal House.
Meemaw: You have?
Sheldon: Well, I've seen the poster. Those people are not college material.

Quote from Tam

Sheldon: And then my mother said I wasn't mature enough for college. Can you believe that?
Tam: Absolutely.
Sheldon: So you're on their side, too?
Tam: I'm Vietnamese. In my culture, until your parents die, you're basically a baby.
Sheldon: Really?
Tam: My grandmother still treats my dad like a child. At dinner, he can't sit until she sits, and he can't speak until he's spoken to.
Sheldon: Well, I'm glad I'm not Vietnamese.
Tam: It's not as fun as I make it look.

Quote from Missy

Missy: So, when your bones broke, did you hear a crunch?
Ms. Hutchins: No.
Missy: Did my dad have to give you mouth-to-mouth?
Ms. Hutchins: No.
Missy: I don't know how my mom kisses him.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: Can I ask you a personal question?
Meemaw: You're not in my will.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: If I don't go to college, what am I supposed to do? Spend all my days in high school? How sad is that?
Ms. Hutchins: Pretty sad.
Sheldon: You always did get me.
Ms. Hutchins: Sounds like you're feeling misunderstood.
Sheldon: I am... by Dr. Sturgis, my mother, and possibly the entire Vietnamese culture.
Ms. Hutchins: Do you understand that I'm in a little bit of pain right now?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. I should be exhibiting compassion. Aw. Wait, I can do better. Aw.
Ms. Hutchins: Nailed it.

Quote from George Jr.

Meemaw: So you think he's seeing somebody else?
George Jr.: I don't think I should be talking about this. He's my boss.
Meemaw: Well, he's my boyfriend, so spill it.
George Jr.: It's weird when old people say "boyfriend".
Meemaw: Fine. My lover.
George Jr.: Well, that's worse.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Mornin'.
Missy: Did you check on Ms. Hutchins? Is she still alive?
Mary: Of course she is. Why?
Missy: No reason.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: I'm gonna go eat my breakfast with her.
Mary: Sheldon, just let her rest.
Sheldon: It's okay. She enjoys my company. Also, she understands what I'm going through with Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Excuse me. I am just trying to help you grow up to be a functional adult.
Sheldon: Me? This one's looking for cereal ghosts.
Missy: Looking for and found 'em.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: There we go. Nice little bite-size pieces.
Hutchins: Thanks, George, but I-I think I can manage.
George Sr.: No, no. My pleasure.
Missy: He feels so guilty, he'll do anything you ask him.
George Sr.: That's enough from you.
Missy: He bought me an Easy-Bake Oven when he closed the car door on my thumb.

Quote from George Sr.

Local TV Newscaster: In local news, Friday night's football game was marred by a brutal injury, when football coach George Cooper saved himself at the expense of beloved school librarian Cheryl Hutchins.
George Sr.: Oh, no.
Local TV Newscaster: We warn you, the following footage is hard to watch.
George Sr.: Well, then, don't show it.
Local TV Newscaster: Let's see it again in slow motion.
George Sr.: This is not news.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: What I meant was... maybe it's time to take a break from your college classes.
Sheldon: What? Why? I've gotten straight As.
Mary: I know you're smart enough for college. I'm just not sure you're mature enough.
Sheldon: Well, it appears you've backed me into a corner. I would throw a tantrum right now, but that would just prove your point.
Mary: Where are you going?
Sheldon: To play with my trains. Which may sound immature, but it's a hobby many old men enjoy.

Quote from George Jr.

Jana: I'm the only cheerleader you should be looking at.
George Jr.: Oh. Hi. Oh, I was trying to find you.
Jana: Just wanted to wish you a good game.
George Jr.: Thank you.
Jana: I'm gonna be cheering for you.
George Jr.: Great.
Jana: Unless I catch you looking at someone else. Then you'll regret it.
George Jr.: [chuckles]
Jana: I'm not kidding.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

Ms. Hutchins: I was hoping I'd have someone to sit with.
George Sr.: Ah, sorry.
Ms. Hutchins: That's okay. It was my fault for letting myself feel hope.
George Sr.: You're welcome to watch from the sidelines.
Ms. Hutchins: Thanks. Watching life go by from the sidelines is kind of my thing.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hang in there.
Ms. Hutchins: I'm hangin'.
George Sr.: Hey, this will be quite a story to tell your grandkids, huh?
Ms. Hutchins: I live alone. I'm single. I don't think grandkids are in the picture.
George Sr.: Oh. Well, I... I got a wife, kids. It's... It's overrated.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [on the phone] Well, you can't bring her home to an empty apartment. Bring her here, and we'll look after her until she's back on her feet.
George Sr.: You sure?
Mary: Of course. We'll set her up in Georgie's room.
George Sr.: Thanks, Mare. See you in a bit.
Mary: Hey, George. It's real nice of you, taking care of her like this.
George Sr.: Well, it was kinda my fault.
Mary: Kinda? It was all your fault.
George Sr.: Bye.

Quote from Coach Wilkins

Coach Wilkins: How's she doing?
George Sr.: Well, not bad. Could be worse. A little whiplash, couple of bruised ribs, broken arm... and collarbone. But that's it.
Coach Wilkins: Pretty funny how you jumped out of the way and let her get clobbered.
George Sr.: I did not jump out of the way!
Coach Wilkins: Oh, yeah, you did. [chuckles] They got you on tape.

Quote from Coach Wilkins

George Sr.: Okay, fine. But that was pure instinct. Besides, she shouldn't have been standing on the sidelines.
Coach Wilkins: Why was she there?
George Sr.: I told her she could.
Coach Wilkins: [laughing] Oh, man, you must feel terrible.
George Sr.: Yeah, of course I do.
Coach Wilkins: I mean, it's all on you.
George Sr.: You done?
Coach Wilkins: Oh-ho-ho, baby, I'm just getting started.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: So you just put her in my room without consulting me?
George Sr.: Consulting you? Who cares what you think?
George Jr.: Well, I ain't gonna sleep on the couch.
Mary: It's just for a few nights until she can take care of herself.
George Jr.: Can I at least stay at Meemaw's?
George Sr.: If you promise not to come back.
George Jr.: Why you got to be so mean to me?
George Sr.: It just feels right.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: Who buys this crap?
Meemaw: Me, after three beers. I mean, look at this damn thing. What was I thinking? [chuckles]

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: It's just, I've been seeing Jana for a while now, and I like her fine... but it feels like she's getting more serious than I want to be.
Meemaw: Georgie, until you're married, you are not tied down to anybody. You just go ahead and do whatever you want. Play the field. Have some fun.
George Jr.: Interesting. That's what Dale said, too.
Meemaw: Oh, did he?
George Jr.: Yeah.
Meemaw: My boyfriend?
George Jr.: [chuckles] Yeah.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: It's time for your pain pill.
Sheldon: Be careful. You could become addicted and lose your job. Which is all you have.
George Sr.: [sighs] Get out of here.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

George Sr.: You comfortable? Can I get you anything else?
Ms. Hutchins: No. I-I'm okay. You've been so kind to welcome me into your home.
George Sr.: Well, it's the least we could do.
Ms. Hutchins: It's so nice to be around a family like this. [crying] I've been alone for... so long. Honestly, if it weren't for the cats, I'd have no one. Oh, wait. The cats! I abandoned Edgar and Allan.
George Sr.: Edgar and Allan?
Ms. Hutchins: Poe ran away. Would you please go feed them and tell them I love them?
George Sr.: Uh... any chance this could wait till morning?
Ms. Hutchins: [crying] I guess.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Son of a bitch! Here! Edgar! Or Allan. Whichever the hell one you are.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: They ever leave the store together?
George Jr.: Can I please just go to bed?
Meemaw: Just answer the damn question.
George Jr.: I feel like I'm gonna get fired for this.
Meemaw: Georgie, don't worry. Anything you say is gonna stay right here.
George Jr.: But you lie all the time. I learned to lie from you.
Meemaw: See what a special bond we have? Now answer the damn question!

Quote from Missy

Missy: Being a mom's hard, isn't it?
Mary: Sometimes.
Missy: If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you. Ooh, it's moving again.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You're so lucky.
Ms. Hutchins: You're gonna have to walk me through that.
Sheldon: Well, you don't have anyone in your house telling you what you can or can't do.
Ms. Hutchins: Right, Sheldon. I don't have anyone.
Sheldon: I just said that. Are you becoming a drug addict already?

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

Sheldon: What happened to your face?
George Sr.: Oh. Uh... either Edgar or Allan. [chuckles]
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, that was Edgar. He can be a rascal.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Unlike my mother, who feels no guilt after hurting her children.
Mary: How dare you. I am trying to keep you safe until such a time as you can make adult decisions.
Sheldon: I can make them now.
George Sr.: Hey, hey. We have a guest. Let's pretend like we like each other. [chuckles] Mare, do your grace thing.

Quote from Meemaw

Dale: You okay with Mexican?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. Terrific.
Dale: All right. Now, I got Tums in the glovebox for the ride home.
Meemaw: Great.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: So, you talk to June lately?
Dale: Uh, not in a couple of days. Why?
Meemaw: Oh, no reason. I was just kind of thinking about calling her myself. I mean, if you're okay with that.
Dale: You want to call my ex-wife, go ahead. Call her.
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.
Dale: Yeah, you would.
Meemaw: Yeah, I would.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: I think it's nice that y'all get along as well as you do.
Dale: Mm-hmm. Where are we going with this?
Meemaw: Oh, just nothing. Makin' conversation.
Dale: Okay.
Meemaw: You sleeping with her?
Dale: Lord, no. She's my ex-wife. Come on. Oh, my gosh, what kind of sicko sleeps with their ex-wife? Where is this coming from? Are you jealous?
Meemaw: No. I'd just like to know, you know, what kind of relationship we're in. I mean, are we seeing other people or what?
Dale: Connie Tucker, are you asking me to go steady?
Meemaw: You know what I'm asking, jackass.
Dale: [chuckles] All right, all right, all right. You listen to me. Now, I'm 72 years old. Do you think I have enough stamina to go playing around with other women?
Meemaw: You saying the only reason you're seeing me is you're too old and tired to see anybody else?
Dale: [sighs] Give me the Tums.

Quote from George Jr.

Jana: I could kiss you forever.
George Jr.: Uh, that's kind of a long time.
Jana: You got somewhere else to be?
George Jr.: No. It's just that, eventually, we're gonna get hungry.
Jana: Why do I keep getting the feeling you're not into this?
George Jr.: Oh, I am into this.
Jana: But?
George Jr.: [exhales] I mean, we're real young, and who knows what's gonna happen?
Jana: I know. And you should, too.
George Jr.: Don't feel bad. I don't know lots of stuff.

Quote from Dale

Dale: So, as long as we're on the subject, are you seeing anybody else?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: How about that nutty professor?
Meemaw: We're just friends.
Dale: Yeah, well, that's what June and I are... just friends.
Meemaw: So what are we?
Dale: I don't know. What do you want to call it?
Meemaw: I guess, a... committed relationship.
Dale: Mm. Works for me.
Meemaw: Okay. It's settled.
Dale: ... Connie. This relationship is suffocating me. [chuckles]

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What'd I say?
Jana: [crying] I'm not enough for you.
George Jr.: I didn't say that.
Jana: Just be honest. You want to date other girls.
George Jr.: I don't want to date other girls instead of you, just... in addition to you.
Jana: Drop dead.
George Jr.: [starts engine] Okay, but I'm gonna follow you and make sure you get home safe!
Jana: Do whatever you want.
George Jr.: If you walk to Dairy Queen, I'll buy you a Blizzard. Want me to turn on some music?
[rock music plays]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: How long do I have to sit here and sulk before someone asks me what's wrong?
Mary: Maybe people are tired of hearing about it.
Sheldon: Ms. Hutchins, would you care to chime in?
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I-I don't want to get in the middle of a family issue, but... I will say that I once had a falling out with someone very close to me.
Sheldon: What happened?
Ms. Hutchins: We ended up parting ways on bad terms. I-I still regret it.
Sheldon: But you were right and they were wrong?
Ms. Hutchins: You know what, it doesn't feel like it matters anymore. And not a day goes by that I don't miss them.
Sheldon: Perhaps I do owe Dr. Sturgis an apology.
Ms. Hutchins: I was talking about your mother.
Sheldon: I'll circle back to her.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

Mary: Thank you. I can't believe you got through to him.
Ms. Hutchins: Happy to help.
Missy: So, who was the person you had the fight with?
Ms. Hutchins: It was my cat, Poe. She ran away when I switched to dry food. It was cheaper.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm really sorry, Mom.
Mary: I forgive you. But just because you straightened things out with Dr. Sturgis doesn't mean you're going back to college.
Sheldon: Yes, it does.
Mary: No, it doesn't.
Sheldon: I hope you know you're jeopardizing our relationship.
Mary: I will take that risk. [kiss] Good night.
Sheldon: You know I'll eventually wear you down.
Mary: We'll see. I'm pretty tough.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] I eventually wore her down. There's just so much of me anybody can take.

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