Brenda Sparks Quotes

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Mary: So, George is mad at me, and Sheldon is mad at me, and... honestly, I'm mad at me, too.
Brenda Sparks: Will you please give yourself a break? All that you do for that family, I am surprised you didn't crack years ago.
Mary: How do you handle it all?
Brenda Sparks: I'm sitting in a chicken coop drinking a wine cooler at 11:00 a.m.... clearly, I don't.

Quote from the episode A Baby Shower and Testosterone-Rich Banter

Mandy: [gasps] Oh, a nursing bra. "Includes removable pads to prevent leakage." Wow. Thanks. That's... really thoughtful.
Brenda Sparks: Mine dripped like a faucet.
Missy: Wait, I have a question.
Mary: Please ask it later.

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: She didn't want you to walk her in?
Mary: No. How about Billy?
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I walked him in. Found his homeroom. Explained that "homeroom" is different than his room at home. Still not sure he gets it.
Mary: Tough day.
Brenda Sparks: Yeah.
Mary: You want to get some coffee?
Brenda Sparks: I was thinking vodka, but coffee will do.

Quote from the episode A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels

Sheldon: Collecting! Collecting!
Brenda Sparks: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Mrs. Sparks. I'm here to collect for this week's paper delivery.
Brenda Sparks: Right. Hang on.
Sheldon: Also, I'm given to understand that tipping is customary, so feel free to express your appreciation.
Brenda Sparks: Here you go.
Sheldon: You tipped me a dime?
Brenda Sparks: Is there a problem?
Sheldon: No, it just doesn't seem like very much.
Brenda Sparks: You were late every day.
Sheldon: Well, I had to brave the elements.
Brenda Sparks: I saw you. "Brave" isn't the word that I would use. [cackles]

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Mary: George! You are not gonna believe this. Look. Their dog left a dead squirrel in our living room.
Herschel Sparks: Well, he is part hunting dog. I think that means he likes you.
Mary: I'm not interested in winning his affection. I'm interested in keeping dogs and rodents outside of my home.
Brenda Sparks: Well, now, hold on. How do we know it was Bucky that left that squirrel in your house? Maybe that squirrel was already there.
Mary: Why else would a dead squirrel be in my living room?
Brenda Sparks: I don't know what kind of house you keep.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey, um... I was just kidding around.
Mary: I know.
Brenda Sparks: Why don't you come over here?
Mary: Really?
Brenda Sparks: And bring the pack. We'll go in the chicken coop, where God can't see us.

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Brenda Sparks: How did Missy do?
Mary: I think Missy had the best day of her life.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, thank God. Tell me everything.
Mary: Well, in one class she sits between her friends, so the note-passing goes through her.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna get the dirt firsthand. That's huge.
Mary: And then an eighth-grade boy talked to her at lunch.
Brenda Sparks: On the first day?
Mary: Uh-huh.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna be prom queen. I'm calling it.
Mary: That's fun, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: Mary, it'll be a miracle if Billy even makes it to high school. Don't take this away from me.
Mary: Missy is gonna look so cute in that tiara.
Brenda Sparks: Yes, she is.

Quote from the episode Blonde Ambition and the Concept of Zero

Brenda Sparks: [o.s.] Billy! Stop feeding the chickens Cap'n Crunch!
Billy Sparks: [o.s.] But they like it.
Brenda Sparks: [o.s.] We've been over this. You don't eat their food, they don't eat yours.

Quote from the episode Pancake Sunday and Textbook Flirting

Mary: Oh, hey. I didn't know you were working tonight.
Brenda Sparks: I'm not. Just meeting some friends.
Mary: Oh, that's nice.
Brenda Sparks: Yep.
Mary: Oh, so, I was just getting off work myself.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Have a good one.
Mary: Well, uh, so, friends from high school, or...?
Brenda Sparks: More like a bunch of gals that used to be married, used to be in Weight Watchers, and now just come here to drink and bitch about their lives.

Quote from the episode A Baby Shower and Testosterone-Rich Banter

Brenda Sparks: So, Audrey, is this your first grandkid?
Audrey: Yep.
Brenda Sparks: You must be excited.
Audrey: Sure. Can't say I'm thrilled with the circumstances, but... Amanda's always done things her way.
Meemaw: I have a lot of grandkids. At some point, you just stop caring how they got here. [Audrey nods]
Brenda Sparks: I'm gonna get some punch.
Meemaw: It's nonalcoholic.
Brenda Sparks: Oh.

Quote from the episode A German Folk Song and an Actual Adult

Brenda Sparks: Hey, welcome back. How's little Constance doing?
Mary: We're calling her CeeCee.
Brenda Sparks: Well, that's just the cutest.
Mary: Mm-hmm.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I got you coffee. Don't worry, it's not the sludge we serve. I got it from the 7-Eleven on the corner.
Mary: Thank you, but I'm fine.
Brenda Sparks: Are you sure? I put some of those flavored creamers in it. Fancy.

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Mary: How about Billy?
Brenda Sparks: Not much better.
Mary: Oh.
Brenda Sparks: In Spanish class, every time the teacher said "Sí," Billy said, "See what?"
Mary: Oh, Billy.
Brenda Sparks: I know, but if I don't laugh about it I'll cry.
Mary: I'm sorry.

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Brenda Sparks: How do we know that your son didn't lure Bucky in to perform weird science experiments on him?

Quote from the episode Training Wheels and an Unleashed Chicken

Brenda Sparks: I just wanted to check in and see how Sheldon's doing.
George Sr.: He'll be fine. It's just a little fracture.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Poor kid. Please know we feel terrible.
George Sr.: Eh, accidents happen.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, speaking of accidents, which this clearly was, insurance covers everything, right?
George Sr.: If you're worried about me sending you a bill, don't be.
Brenda Sparks: Wasn't worried. I just wanted to bring you some food as a peace offering and promise it will never happen again.
George Sr.: Well, thanks. [lifts up the foil] Ooh, fried chicken.
[After George gets a concerned look on his face, he looks over at Brenda and points to the plate of fried chicken]
Brenda Sparks: Never again.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Mary: Shelly and this college stuff is killing me. I... I never went to college. How can I prepare him?
Brenda Sparks: Mary, if that kid is smart enough to have colleges wanting him already, he's got to be smart enough to figure it out.
Mary: Maybe. It still hurts to hear him say he wants to leave.
Brenda Sparks: I bet. On the other hand, I'm worried my Billy will never be ready to leave.
Mary: Oh, of course he will.
Brenda Sparks: Damn. Smoking, drinking, lying. You're covering all the sins today.

Quote from the episode A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

Billy Sparks: Mom, I'm bleeding again!
Brenda Sparks: You know what, Mary? I appreciate it, but this isn't a great time. Bobbi stabbed Billy in the leg with a fork.
Mary: Good Lord. Is he okay?
Brenda Sparks: It was a plastic fork, but it broke the skin pretty good.
Mary: Oh, okay, I-I understand.
Brenda Sparks: How about I take that pie and give you a rain check?
Mary: Um, sure-
Billy Sparks: I think there's mustard in the fork holes!
Brenda Sparks: Got to go.
Mary: You can keep the pan!

Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

Brenda Sparks: You win. Hope you're happy.
Mary: This was never about winners and losers.
Brenda Sparks: Two kids means two gifts. And no Play-Doh, he'll just eat it.

Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

Mary: Sheldon and Billy are friends. My son should be at his party.
Brenda Sparks: [sigh] Look, I'm not trying to be mean here. Billy has a tough enough time with other kids without them seeing him pal around with the local weirdo.
Mary: I thought you weren't trying to be mean.
Brenda Sparks: That was the nicest way I could say it.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Brenda Sparks: Oh, my God. You smoke?
Mary: What? No.
Brenda Sparks: Then your face is on fire.
Mary: It's just the one. I'm going through a rough patch.
Brenda Sparks: What happened? The bookmark fall out of your Bible, and you lost your place?
Mary: No.
Brenda Sparks: You run out of room on your fridge for Sheldon's perfect report cards?

Quote from the episode A German Folk Song and an Actual Adult

Brenda Sparks: Mary, I don't even think it was about me. It could've been anybody.
Mary: That doesn't make me feel better.
Brenda Sparks: I just mean I'm not his wife. Which makes me easier to talk to. Don't make it right, but talk's all it was.
Mary: Are you sure?
Brenda Sparks: I swear. Like how sometimes it was easier for you to talk to Pastor Rob?
Mary: But shouldn't George and I want to talk to each other?
Brenda Sparks: Don't ask me, I couldn't hang on to my "crappy husband."
Mary: Sorry about that.
Brenda Sparks: No. It's true.
Mary: You want to talk about it?
Brenda Sparks: That'd be nice. George around? [off Mary's look] Okay, not ready to joke.