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41Quotes from ‘A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board’

A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board

302. A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board

Aired October 3, 2019

No longer able to attend Dr. Sturgis' college lectures, Sheldon sets out to create his own space for higher learning. Meanwhile, Pastor Jeff worries that things are heating up with his girlfriend.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: Connie. So nice to see you.
Meemaw: Nice to see you, too. Sheldon, this is Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Hello.
Dr. Linkletter: [holding out his hand] I've heard so much about you.
Sheldon: Apparently not how I feel about shaking hands.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Since I no longer had a college class with Dr. Sturgis to stoke my intellectual fire, I needed to find someone else who was up to the task of being my mentor. A great mind. A once-in-a-generation thinker. Fortunately, my schedule was wide open.
Sheldon: School's in session.

Quote from Mr. Givens

George Sr.: Hey, Hubert. Was Sheldon in class today?
Mr. Givens: Nope. Haven't seen him all week.
George Sr.: Weren't you gonna say anything?
Mr. Givens: I didn't want to jinx it.

Quote from Ms. Ingram

George Sr.: So he hasn't been in any of your classes?
Ms. Ingram: Mm-mm, not a one.
Ms. MacElroy: Nope.
George Sr.: But I bring him here, I take him home he's got to be somewhere in the building.
Ms. Ingram: Mm, I might've seen him in the library. But at this point, I sometimes think I see him when I'm alone in my house.
Ms. MacElroy: Like that creepy Chucky doll in the movies?
Ms. Ingram: [laughs] Exactly!

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: What do you think you're doing?
Sheldon: Exploring the impact of the French invasion on Imperial Russian society.
George Sr.: Well, get out of here. You're going back to class.
Sheldon: No, I'm not.
George Sr.: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I don't learn anything in class. But in here I've taught myself the applications of gravitational lensing, Faraday's law of magnetic induction, and how to whistle. [blows air] Well, sound came out yesterday.
George Sr.: You can't spend your day in a broom closet.
Sheldon: It's no longer a broom closet. It's now a citadel of higher learning.

Quote from Sheldon

[Sheldon is chuckling as he stares at a blank screen]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Watching last week's Professor Proton in my mind.

Quote from George Jr.

Pastor Jeff: [on the phone with Mary] I know. But we put so much thought into my clothes, we didn't even think about what she'd be wearing.
George Jr.: [coming on line] Why? What's she wearing?
Mary: Georgie, you hang up that phone right now!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Same room. Different teacher. Same night. Different time. This is a real roller coaster.
Meemaw: Yeah, it's wild.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: Just a warning: today's lecture is rather advanced.
Sheldon: Don't worry. If you get confused, I'll be right here in the front row.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: So then we're able to take the ends of the strings and connect them to a ten-dimensional membrane. Yes, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis taught us that if you leave the strings open, it allows far more possibilities.
Dr. Linkletter: We don't believe you need open strings anymore. That's an older model of thinking. Now... Yes, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Just because something is older doesn't mean that it's not still good. Original Star Trek is older than Next Generation, but if you think that Mr. Data is better than Mr. Spock, you don't know what you're talking about.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't know what you're talking about.

Quote from Ms. MacElroy

Ms. MacElroy: Georgie Cooper?
George Jr.: Here.
Ms. MacElroy: Sheldon Cooper? Georgie, where's your brother?
George Jr.: I don't know.
Ms. MacElroy: Good enough for me.

Quote from Mary

Mary: And Pastor Jeff asked me to hold him accountable so he doesn't succumb to temptation.
George Sr.: Well, how the heck you do that?
Mary: I'm not sure. Probably have to give him the stink eye every so often.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: The pastor's been married before. Is it really that big a deal?
Mary: Yes, George. It states very clearly in the Bible: "Among you there must not be even a hint of [hushed] sexual immorality."
George Sr.: That book is a bummer sometimes.

Quote from George Sr.

Coach Wilkins: Everything all right with Sheldon?
George Sr.: How much time you got? Why?
Coach Wilkins: Hasn't been in P.E. since Monday.
George Sr.: Really?
Coach Wilkins: Mm-hmm.
George Sr.: He's here. I drove him. You check the places they like to stuff him?
Coach Wilkins: Lockers, trash cans, those bags we put the footballs in. Nothing.
George Sr.: Top of the flagpole?
Coach Wilkins: Nope.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Hey, Tam. I can't find Sheldon. You know where he is?
Tam: I promised not to say.
George Sr.: Tam!
Tam: Lucky for you I'm weak.
[later, as George finds Sheldon's secret study hall:]
George Sr.: Are you kidding me?
Sheldon: I knew Tam was weak.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Sheldon, go to your room.
Sheldon: Gladly.
Missy: He's just gonna read in there. I'd take away Professor Proton.
George Sr.: Stay out of this. ... [yelling] No more Professor Proton!
Sheldon: Aw.
Missy: That's how you do it.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: I had to get to practice, and I made a decision. He was in the building, he was safe, and he was learning.
Mary: He is never gonna improve his social skills if he's sitting all alone. He has to be around people.
George Sr.: Sounds like you know what he needs, go fix it.
Mary: 'Cause I have to do everything, right?
George Jr.: Oh. Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.
George Sr.: Get out of here!

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Well, maybe Shel is just acting out 'cause he doesn't have his college class to go to anymore. I could ask John's professor friend. Maybe he'd let him sit in on a class.
Mary: And you are just bringing this up now?
Meemaw: I would've said something earlier, but I was enjoying the fight.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Moon Pie? Good news. You could start going to your college class again.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis is back?
Meemaw: No, but his friend Dr. Linkletter is gonna let you come and take his class.
Sheldon: But I take Dr. Sturgis's class.
Meemaw: I know, but that's not an option right now, and Dr. Linkletter's been nice enough to to let you sit in on his.
Sheldon: But I like the way that Dr. Sturgis teaches.
Meemaw: Well, you might like the way that Dr. Linkletter teaches even better.
Sheldon: Is it lecture-based?
Meemaw: I don't know.
Sheldon: What's his interpretation of quantum mechanics?
Meemaw: I couldn't say.
Sheldon: Where'd he get his doctorate?
Meemaw: From the University of Shut Up and Say Thank You.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Hi, Pastor Jeff. Everything okay?
Pastor Jeff: I'm in trouble. Robin just got here. She looks nice, and she smells even nicer.
Mary: Come on, now. Uh, nothing smells better than eternal salvation.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: And on that fun note, I'll leave you to it.
Dr. Linkletter: Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay for the lecture?
Meemaw: Oh, no, bad idea. I'm told I snore.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: So, this is nice, huh?
Mary: Yes.
George Sr.: [long silence, sighs] Lemon in the water.
Mary: It's weird to look at a menu and not have to wonder what Sheldon won't eat.
George Sr.: It got easier when he printed that card for my wallet.
Mary: Still don't know where he got that laminated.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: I'm going to hell. I'm going to hell.
George Jr.: Relax. Not until you're dead.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. Linkletter: We don't need open strings. We just connect them to a D-brane.
Sheldon: But your theories can't recreate the known symmetries of the real world.
Meemaw: Everything okay in here?
Sheldon: More than okay. We're having a spirited debate on superstring theory.
Dr. Linkletter: Very spirited.
Meemaw: Well, you ready to go home?
Sheldon: Yes. Unless Dr. Linkletter-
Dr. Linkletter: He's ready.
Meemaw: Well, I guess we'll see you next week.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds good. No wonder Sturgis went crazy.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: That seems to be going well.
Pastor Jeff: It's going really well. I like her so much.
Mary: Why do you sound sad about it?
Pastor Jeff: Well, this is hard for me to say out loud. But when I'm around her, I find myself having you know...
Mary: I don't know.
Pastor Jeff: [whispers] Man thoughts.
Mary: Oh. But you're the pastor. You can't act on those.
Pastor Jeff: Hence my sadness.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: It's no joke. He could lose his job.
George Sr.: I guess I just don't get it.
Mary: Maybe because you only go to church when there's a bake sale.
George Sr.: That's not nice.
Mary: It's true.
George Sr.: Doesn't make it nice.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Which one says "Robin, I like you" but also says "God is watching, be cool"?
Mary: The blue one.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [on the phone] Everything okay?
George Sr.: Sheldon locked himself in a broom closet, and he's refusing to go to class.
Mary: What's he doing in a closet?
George Sr.: Apparently, learning about Russia.
Mary: Well, what do you want me to do?
George Sr.: I want you to handle it.
Mary: You're right there why can't you handle it?
George Sr.: 'Cause I'm at work.
Mary: So am I.
George Sr.: You know what I mean.
Mary: That you have a real job and I don't?
George Sr.: Mary, I have football practice in ten minutes, and I I don't have time to deal with this.
Mary: Well, you're gonna have to, 'cause I'm busy. [hangs up]
Peg: You tell him, sister.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: The bolo tie's too sexy, right? Knew it.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [yelling] Hope you're happy your mother and I are fighting now! [to a girl who wonders why George is yelling at nobody] There's a closet, it- My son made a citadel. Never mind.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I can't believe you didn't make him go to class.
George Sr.: You told me to handle it; I handled it.
Meemaw: That one's on you.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. Linkletter: Hello?
Meemaw: Hi, Dr. Linkletter. It's Connie Tucker.
Dr. Linkletter: Connie. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Meemaw: I need a favor.
Dr. Linkletter: Of course. Anything. Should we discuss it over dinner?
Meemaw: I'll take a rain check on that. I was hoping that my grandson could join in your physics class until John is, uh back.
Dr. Linkletter: From the mental hospital?
Meemaw: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: The one he never told you he'd been in before?
Meemaw: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: A curious ethical choice on his part, if you ask me.
Meemaw: Can he take the class or not?
Dr. Linkletter: Of course. Although, I never taught a child before. Is he potty-trained?

Quote from Mary

Mary: I thought you were gonna take out the garbage.
George Sr.: I'm sorry. I was under the impression you did everything around here.
Mary: You really want to start this again?
George Sr.: I contribute plenty, and it wouldn't kill you to show a little appreciation.
Mary: I'll be sure to do that as soon as I finish the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the grocery shopping and helping Missy with her homework.
George Sr.: You like how my job pays for all the bills, right?
Mary: Stop acting like you're the only one with a job.

Quote from Coach Wilkins

George Sr.: I mean, I-I just can't win. When I step in, I'm doing it wrong, and when I don't step in, she yells at me.
Coach Wilkins: I hear you.
George Sr.: So Darlene does the same thing with you?
Coach Wilkins: No. But I'd hate it if she did. That sounds awful.
George Sr.: So, what do you two fight about?
Coach Wilkins: You know, normal stuff. Who loves the other one more. Whose turn it is for a foot rub. Oh, the other day, we did argue about which way the toilet paper should hang.
George Sr.: Who won?
Coach Wilkins: I don't remember. We just ended up making love on the bathroom floor.
George Sr.: Thank you, Wayne. This has been real helpful.
Coach Wilkins: When was the last time you took Mary out on a date?
George Sr.: I couldn't even tell you.
Coach Wilkins: Mm. That poor woman.
George Sr.: Hey. You're supposed to be on my side.
Coach Wilkins: I'd like to be. [chuckles] But you're not giving me much to work with.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: How'd you like to go out for dinner on Friday? Just you and me.
Mary: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause you're my wife.
Mary: I was your wife last Friday, and we didn't go to dinner.
George Sr.: Mary, I'm asking you on a date.
Mary: Okay.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Is that a yes?
Mary: Sure.
George Sr.: All right, then.
Mary: If you did something stupid, I'm gonna find out.

Quote from Missy

Missy: If Mom knew this was in the house, she'd lose her mind.
George Jr.: I know. Mom does not like demons.
Missy: So, how does it work?
George Jr.: You put your fingertips on it like this, and you ask it questions. Then the spirits from beyond will move you around the board and answer them.
Missy: Whoa.
George Jr.: Let's try it.
Missy: Okay. [hesitating] Pastor Jeff talked about these in Sunday school. He called them Satan's Monopoly board.

Quote from Missy

Missy: [answering phone] Hello? [to Georgie] It's Pastor Jeff. What do I do?
George Jr.: See what he wants.
Missy: What do you want?
Pastor Jeff: Um, is your mom home?
Missy: No, she went out with my dad. It's just me and Georgie.
Pastor Jeff: Oh. Okay. Well, I hope you two are behaving yourselves.
Missy: We are. We're just watching TV. Okay, bye. [to Georgie] I just lied to a pastor.
George Jr.: So?
Missy: So I'm going to hell!

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Well, Wayne and I were discussing marriage, and he was going on about how happy he is. I just wanted to try to work on ours.
Mary: That's really sweet, George. So they go on dinner dates like this?
George Sr.: Oh, they do all kinds of stuff. Line dancing and movie night. You wouldn't believe what they got up to in their bathroom.
Mary: Where do they find the time?
George Sr.: Well- Well, they don't have any kids, so... Son of a bitch! They don't have kids. That's why they're happy.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: It's true. You and I used to be way more fun.
Mary: That may be so, but you can't blame the children.
George Sr.: Oh, I can, and I am. Don't get me wrong. They're great. I love them. But you got to admit that they do not make our lives easy.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I suppose there's a challenging aspect to them.
George Sr.: There you go. See? Feels good to say it out loud, right?
Mary: Maybe a little.
George Sr.: Hey. Think about how clean the house would be if it was just us.
Mary: Oh, my. [chuckling] So, what did they do in the bathroom?

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: The Lord just sent me a message.
Officer Robin: Really?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry. I can't be in a physical relationship outside of marriage.
Officer Robin: Okay. I respect that.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Officer Robin: So when are we getting married?
Pastor Jeff: Uh...

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