Adult Sheldon: Presenting... "Sheldon Cooper's Top Five Sources of News From My Childhood". Number five: Star Trek Fan Club Magazine.
Sheldon: Mom, DeForest Kelley's favorite episode is "The Empath."
Mary: Good to know.
Adult Sheldon: Number four: the Weather Cube from RadioShack.
Man: [from device] The humidity is 90% with a dew point of 79.5 degrees.
Sheldon: Mom! The dew point is 79.5 degrees.
Mary: [o.s.] Okay.
Adult Sheldon: Number three: The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour. Such a great theme song.
Sheldon: [hums] Buh-buh-bum.
Adult Sheldon: Number two: Meemaw after a few beers.
Meemaw: It took a while, but we finally picked a new name for my bowling team: The Ball Busters.
Sheldon: Hey, Mom. Guess what Meemaw named her bowling team? The Ball...
Adult Sheldon: And the number one source of news from my childhood: the bulletin board at the train store. News about trains in a store full of trains. Yummy.
Sheldon: How did this not make The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour?

Mary: [eating pop corn] Get him, Dalton. Get him.
George Jr.: Mary Cooper, what are you doing?
Mary: Nothing.
George Jr.: Why are you watching Road House?
Mary: Why aren't you at work?
George Jr.: I asked you first, and my question is way more interesting.
Mary: It was just on. I don't even know what that is.
George Jr.: Then how'd you know his name's Dalton?
Mary: I don't have to explain myself to you.
George Jr.: This is a pretty dirty movie.
Mary: How do you know? It is rated R.
George Jr.: For violence, language and sexual content. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Meemaw: Alls I'm saying is people aren't always in the mood.
Sheldon: Well, they should be. I'm happy to learn any fact at any time.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes.
Meemaw: Grab my knitting bag.
Sheldon: I don't recommend driving while knitting. Your reflexes aren't what they used to be.
Meemaw: Just look in the bag! Did you know that there are three different kinds of yarn?
Sheldon: I didn't.
Meemaw: You got your animal, like wool. Your plant, like cotton. And your synthetic, like acrylic.
Sheldon: Interesting.
Meemaw: You think so? I'm glad to hear that. Because each one of them has plusses and minuses, and you're about to hear them all in mind-numbing detail.

Meemaw: Everybody gets fired for something eventually.
Sheldon: For being too good at their job?
Meemaw: Well, Moon Pie, sometimes you just get too excited about sharing the facts in your head.
Sheldon: But learning facts is the ant's pants. Which is the Australian derivation of the bee's knees. See, you just learned something. And wasn't that the cat's pajamas?

Norman: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Hello. Welcome to the Lone Star Train Museum. I'm Docent Sheldon Cooper. If you have any questions... [taps "Ask Me" badge]
Norman: You know where the bathroom is?
Sheldon: Indeed I do. You'll want to chug along past our authentic Southern Pacific Sunset limited whistle, then keep going past our conductor's uniform, which was worn on the Texas and Pacific Railway. Then you'll come upon...
Norman: Son, I have to take a leak.
Sheldon: It's in the back.
Norman: Thank you.
Sheldon: And our toilets flush, unlike the ones on trains before 1889.

Sheldon: This is a genuine locomotive bell from Texas and New Orleans number 701. Now there's a proper technique to make the purest sound. Most people don't know how to do that. But you're in luck, because I do. [bell ringing]

Lawrence: You want to know more about the Cotton Belt, there's plenty in here.
Sheldon: Although the facts in that brochure are suspect.
Lawrence: [chuckles] Sheldon, I, uh... I wrote this brochure.
Sheldon: While the origins of the Southern Pacific go back to 1848, the company wasn't formally started until 1865.
Sheldon: And before you reprint these, we should talk fonts.

Sheldon: And early trains used the drop chute toilet, also called the hopper toilet, which was really just a hole...

George Jr.: So how many times have you seen Road House?
Mary: Sorry, can't hear you.
George Jr.: More or less than five? 'Cause that'show many times I've seen it.
Mary: That's how many years you're gonna be grounded if you don't drop it right now.
George Jr.: Does Dad know you like this movie?
Mary: [vacuum stops] No, and it is gonna stay that way.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because it is not something I should be watching.
George Jr.: Then why are you watching it?
Mary: It is a guilty pleasure, so will you drop it now?
George Jr.: Relax. I ain't gonna tell nobody.
Mary: Thank you.
George Jr.: I think it's awesome you like it.
Mary: It is pretty cool how Dalton doesn't drive his Mercedes to the bar 'cause he knows they're gonna trash it.
George Jr.: Dalton's no dummy.
Mary: No, sir.

Sheldon: [bell ringing]
Lawrence: Uh... we need to talk.
Sheldon: About this bell? You got it. Did you know different engineers would often...
Lawrence: [stops bell] Son? You're a sweet kid, but... I don't think this is working out.
Sheldon: What? Why? I-I know everything there is to know about trains.
Lawrence: Well, yeah, you see now, that there is the problem. People, when they come here, they want to enjoy it. They don't want to get lectured in the bathroom. And you have been correcting me in front of the visitors all morning long.
Sheldon: Would you prefer I send you a memo of your mistakes at the end of the day?
Lawrence: No.
Sheldon: Because that's what I did for the teachers at my school. I think it brought us all closer.
Lawrence: Sheldon, it's great to have knowledge. But you don't need to show it off all the time.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't mind.
Lawrence: [chuckles] You see, trains are all about balance, right? Now you put too much water into a steam engine, it can't do its job. You let that water run low... Boom, it'll blow up. Now, a good engineer makes sure he uses just the right amount of water. Not too little, not too much. That make sense?
Sheldon: The fireman adjusts the water, not the engineer.
[later, as Meemaw drives Sheldon home:]
Sheldon: And then he took my "ask me" button. He didn't even ask me. He just took it.

George Sr.: Nothing to be embarrassed about. It's perfectly natural. Perfectly normal.
Missy: Dad, I know.
George Sr.: I'm telling myself. Uh... How much money you need?
Missy: I'm not going in there. You are.
George Sr.: Why can't you go? It's embarrassing.
Missy: You just said it wasn't embarrassing.
George Sr.: Well, it is and I lied.

Meemaw: Another way to cast on in knitting is called the slingshot.
Sheldon: Did you know the Wham-O company was named after its first product, the Wham-O Slingshot?
Meemaw: I'm the one saying the facts right now. Unless you're tired of hearing them?
Sheldon: Sick of learning? Never.
Meemaw: Well, that's too bad.

George Jr.: How awesome was it when he fights those four guys at once?
Mary: They were asking for it. Dalton doesn't fight unless he has to.
George Jr.: True, 'cause when the doctor says, "How many of these fights you win?" he says...
Both: Nobody ever wins in a fight. [both laugh]
Mary: Mm, and I like how smart he is. But doesn't feel like he has to show it off.
George Jr.: No kidding. Maybe Sheldon should watch it.
Mary: Hey, what was Dalton's third rule of being a good bouncer?
George Jr.: Be nice.
Mary: That's right.

George Jr.: I think Dad would love that you're into stuff like this.
Mary: I'm sure he would. He took me to see Mad Max twice.
George Jr.: Really?
Mary: Actually... the second time, we couldn't find a sitter, so we brought you along.
George Jr.: How old was I?
Mary: I don't know... four?
George Jr.: No wonder I'm so cool.
George Jr.: So, why you hiding it?
Mary: Well, 'cause I'm supposed to be a good Christian. Clearly this is something I need to work on.
George Jr.: Well, before you fix it, you've got to watch Die Hard 2. Bruce Willis stabs a guy in the head with an icicle.

Meemaw: Now, circular knitting produces a seamless tube.
Sheldon: You already told me that.
Meemaw: Oh, did I?
Sheldon: Can we circle back to double-pointed needles? I have a follow-up question.
Meemaw: Hold that thought. [closes door]

Umpire: Strike three, you're out.
George Sr.: There you go! Ha! That's how you do it!
Woman: Is that your little girl?
George Sr.: That's my little lady. [Missy spits on the mound] Well, sometimes.

Mary: The kids are asleep. You gonna watch that?
George Sr.: Well, it's MacGyver. He makes stuff out of other stuff. Why, did you want to watch something else?
Mary: I thought maybe we could watch a movie.
George Sr.: Sure, yeah, which one?
Mary: Um... I don't know. I heard that that movie Road House is supposed to be good.
George Sr.: What's it about?
Mary: I think it's about a guy, um... Dalton. Who's a bouncer who has to clean up a bar that's been overrun by a bunch of bad guys.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, it's got that guy that looks like Georgie in it.
Mary: No, he doesn't.
George Sr.: [laughs] Are you kidding? He looks exactly like him.
Mary: Let's just watch MacGyver.
George Sr.: Cool.

Sheldon: It's almost opening time. Can I flip the sign?
Lawrence: Have at it.
Sheldon: [pulls out stopwatch] Five, four, three, two, one. [flips sign] We're officially open for business. [Sheldon peeks outside to see nobody waiting for the store] Anticlimactic.

George Sr.: Okay, we're gonna find a pay phone and call your mother.
Missy: She's not here right now. What can she do?
George Sr.: Well, I don't know what to do.
Missy: We're gonna go to a drugstore and get what I need.
George Sr.: Go to a drug store. Okay, I can do that.
Missy: Breathe. We're gonna get through this.
George Sr.: [exhales sharply]

George Sr.: Ready to roll?
Missy: Not really.
George Sr.: What's wrong?
Missy: It... happened.
George Sr.: What happened?
Missy: That thing that happens to girls when they're becoming young ladies.
George Sr.: What?! Now?
Missy: I'm not happy about it, either.
George Sr.: [stammers] Should we go home?
Missy: I'm pitching in an hour.
George Sr.: I... You think that's a good idea? Maybe you need to lie down.
Missy: I don't need to lie down.
George Sr.: Okay, well, maybe I need to lie down.

Lawrence: Just let me know if you have any questions.
Sheldon: This is a very nice builder's plate. How can you be sure it's not a replica?
Lawrence: Now, that is a great question.
Sheldon: Thank you. I also know the answer. Do you?
Lawrence: Well, there's, uh, rust and soot on the back of it from when it was mounted to the engine's smokebox.
Sheldon: Very good. Ah, the 1947 Santa Fe diesel. I've always loved that paint scheme. I wonder if they had a name for it.
Lawrence: Cat's Whiskers.
Sheldon: Correct.
Lawrence: Ha! Two for two.
Sheldon: Did you know that the word "train" comes from the French verb traîner, which means to draw or drag?
Lawrence: [chuckles] Well, I just learned something.
Sheldon: Well, if you enjoy learning things, then you and I are on the "fast track" to friendship. Speaking of fast tracks, the Japanese bullet train, or Shinkansen...

Missy: We need to stop so I can pee.
George Sr.: I told you to pee before we left the house.
Missy: That was an hour and a half ago.
George Sr.: [sighs] Can't you hold it?
Missy: I may spit like a man, but I have the bladder of a little girl.

Lawrence: I like your conductor's uniform.
Sheldon: You know what they say. Dress for the job you want. Do I get an "ask me" button, too?
Lawrence: Well, thank you for asking, and yes, you do. I'll be right back. [exits]
Sheldon: Do you see that bell? That's from Texas and New Orleans locomotive number 701. I'd tell you more, but you haven't contributed the suggested donation.
[Sheldon stares at Meemaw until she puts some money in the donation box]
Sheldon: Number 701 was built in 1930 by the Baldwin Locomotive Works. It was a superheated 44 class GS-1 with ...
Meemaw: I want my money back.
Lawrence: Here you go.
Sheldon: Thank you. [to Meemaw] I know you're supposed to pick me up at 4:00, but I may live here now.
Meemaw: Send me a Christmas card.

Mary: Sheldon, you sure about this?
Sheldon: Yes, leave the crusts on. I'm a docent now.

George Sr.: What do you got going on today?
Mary: Ooh, laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming. I might go nuts and dust the picture frames.
George Sr.: Well, nice. Everybody's doing something they love.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello. I understand you're looking for a docent. I'm 11 years old, but you should know I have a high school diploma and I know more about trains than anybody. You still sound on the fence.
Adult Sheldon: It was time to break out my unique ability.
Sheldon: Let me tell you about every model train I own and what each of them means to me. The first locomotive I ever received...
Adult Sheldon: Wouldn't you know it, 47 short minutes later, I got the job.

Sheldon: The train museum's looking for a docent.
Mary: What's a docent?
Sheldon: It's a person in a museum who gives information on the exhibits.
Mary: Do you think they'd let someone your age do that?
Sheldon: Why not? I have a high school diploma.
Mary: True.
Sheldon: I know more about trains than anybody.
Mary: True.
Sheldon: And I have the unique ability to wear people down until I get my way.
Mary: So true.

Cashier: Find everything you need today?
George Sr.: Yeah, think so. [chuckles]
[George unloads a variety of female care products onto the counter]
George Sr.: [clears throat]
Cashier: You don't know what you're doing, do you?
George Sr.: No, ma'am.
Cashier: Would you like some help?
George Sr.: Yes, ma'am, thank you, ma'am.
Cashier: Okay. [puts "Register Closed" sign down]

Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me.
Meemaw: Hey, it got me out of driving all the way to Missy's game; I should be thanking you.
Sheldon: [knocks] My little knuckles might not be cutting it. Would you give it a go?
Meemaw: Sure. [knocks] How's that?
Sheldon: Four knocks. Bold.
Lawrence: [opens door] Hello, hello.
Sheldon: Volunteer docent Sheldon Cooper reporting for duty.
Lawrence: Welcome aboard.
Sheldon: Train nomenclature right out of the gate. Promising.

George Sr.: Nothing to worry about. We got this.
Missy: Really?
George Sr.: Everything you need's right here.
Missy: You're the best.
George Sr.: Come on, I'll show you where the bathroom is. Oh, and there's a very helpful cashier named Gretchen you need to hug. Come on. [they enter the store] Here she is, Gretchen.

Mary: What time is the game?
Missy: 12:30.
Sheldon: Why are we talking about baseball and not my impending docent-hood?
Missy: Who wants to tell him it's stupid?
George Sr.: Leave it alone.
Missy: And why do they make you wear that goofy costume?
Sheldon: Ha. They don't. This is all me.

George Sr.: We should hit the road soon. It's a long drive.
Missy: Okay.
Mary: I got your lunches here.
Missy: Extra Fruit Roll-Ups?
Mary: You each got two.
Missy: Thank you.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Missy: I'm glad Mom didn't come.
George Sr.: Why's that?
Missy: I can spit when I'm on the mound.
George Sr.: You can hock up anything you want today.
Missy: [snorts]
George Sr.: Not here.
Missy: Aw.