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59Quotes from ‘A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish’

A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

120. A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Aired April 26, 2018

The Cooper and Sparks families go to war when the Sparks' new dog takes an interest in Sheldon.

Quote from Meemaw

Brenda Sparks: Well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be inferring there's something wrong with my Billy.
Meemaw: Darlin', there's no inferring. I've seen the boy sitting in the dirt eating his own belly button lint.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: He licked me! He licked me! The dog licked my tongue! I can still taste it! Call 911!

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How's it going in there, baby?
Sheldon: [gargling, spits] Okay, but we're gonna need more Listerine.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Here, have some tea.
Sheldon: Chamomile?
Meemaw: Yes.
Sheldon: One teaspoon of honey?
Meemaw: Yes.
Sheldon: An ice cube to cool it off?
Meemaw: I went with two today. You've been through enough.
Sheldon: [drinking] I prefer one ice cube.
Meemaw: Drink it.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I don't understand why that dog is so interested in Sheldon.
Missy: Maybe Bucky likes the way Sheldon smells?
George Sr.: Your brother washes himself three times a day. He has no smell.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Really, Mom? This is how you put out the fire?
Meemaw: Well, at least she got the worst of it.
George Sr.: How you figure that?
Meemaw: I ripped a big patch of hair out of her head. This will be healed in a week. She will be wearing a hat till Labor Day.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Excuse me, Ms. Hutchins?
Ms. Hutchins: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Can you recommend any books on overcoming phobias?
Ms. Hutchins: That's in the self-help section. Follow me, I have read them all. Any phobia in particular?
Sheldon: Dogs.
Ms. Hutchins: Ah, cynophobia. That's a good one. Did you know there's over 50 million dogs just in the United States alone?
Sheldon: That's 50 million too many.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, I'd like to speak with the veterinarian. Well, I was hoping you might have one or two dogs under anesthesia that I might come by and pet. Sure, I'll hold.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [on the phone with a veterinary practice] Yes, hello? Oh, that's too bad. How about a small fluffy one that's recently died of old age?

Quote from Missy

Pastor Jeff: Now, it says here in Mark 12:31 that you should "Love your neighbor as yourself.
" Anybody like to take a guess what that means? Missy?
Missy: It means to be nice to the people who live next door.
Pastor Jeff: That's right.
Missy: But everybody else can go to hell.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Sheldon: How do we love our neighbors when our moms hate each other?
Billy Sparks: Who does your mom hate?
Sheldon: Your mom.
Billy Sparks: Hey, my mom hates your mom. Small world.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: What are you gonna name him?
Sheldon: Fish.
Mary: Fish?
Sheldon: I'm not ready to get attached.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Fish are kind of boring.
Sheldon: I know, isn't it great?

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In physics, nothing feels better than predicting an outcome. I love predictability. The force of gravity: predictable. Nuclear fusion: predictable. My brother peeing in the shower: repulsive, but predictable. What isn't predictable: dogs. I've always been terrified of dogs. To me, they're nothing but big, furry question marks. Question marks with teeth.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Hello.
Herschel Sparks: Hey.
George Sr.: Hey, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Was this fence window always here?
Herschel Sparks: No, son, that's a new fence window.
Billy Sparks: Anybody else getting dizzy?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: It's nice when the kids are in bed, and we can just hang out and relax.
George Sr.: I'm not even gonna respond to that.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Mary: George! You are not gonna believe this. Look. Their dog left a dead squirrel in our living room.
Herschel Sparks: Well, he is part hunting dog. I think that means he likes you.
Mary: I'm not interested in winning his affection. I'm interested in keeping dogs and rodents outside of my home.
Brenda Sparks: Well, now, hold on. How do we know it was Bucky that left that squirrel in your house? Maybe that squirrel was already there.
Mary: Why else would a dead squirrel be in my living room?
Brenda Sparks: I don't know what kind of house you keep.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: All right. Everyone's upset, it's late. Maybe we should drop this for tonight?
Herschel Sparks: That's a good idea.
Mary: Okay. You just keep your dog away from my son.
George Sr.: There you go picking it up again.
Mary: I am sorry, but their dog broke into our home. Something he probably learned from your brother.
Brenda Sparks: How dare you.
Herschel Sparks: Okay, I think that's a good stopping point.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Brenda Sparks: How do we know that your son didn't lure Bucky in to perform weird science experiments on him?

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Here we go: animal control.
Meemaw: Oh, no, no. No, you don't want to go calling animal control.
Mary: Why not?
Meemaw: Because, you have to live next door to these people.
Mary: They called the cops on Georgie when he played music too loud.
Meemaw: Maybe it was them, maybe it was me.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Listen, why don't you let me talk to Brenda, and just smooth things out?
Mary: Why do you think she'll listen to you?
Meemaw: Because people like me more than you.
Mary: People like me.
Meemaw: I didn't say they don't, they just like me more.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Let me buy you a drink, and we'll talk about this. I'm more on your side than you think.
Brenda Sparks: Somehow, I doubt that.
Meemaw: It's true. Don't you think I realize that Mary can be a bit-
Brenda Sparks: Of a self-righteous bitch?
Meemaw: I was gonna say "challenging," but sure, let's go with yours. It's got a nice rhythm.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You know, Mary has a tough job raising those three kids, with one of them being, you know, somewhat special.
Brenda Sparks: I can see that.
Meemaw: Yeah. And having a kind neighbor makes all the difference in the world.
Brenda Sparks: Well, we try.
Meemaw: And I know you know how stressful it is, seeing as how you have your own child who is special in his own way.
Brenda Sparks: What's that supposed to mean?
Meemaw: Well, I mean, hey, I know Billy is a terrific little boy, but I am sure he has presented you and Herschel with some challenges.
Brenda Sparks: If there's a weird kid in the neighborhood, it's your grandson.
Meemaw: Now, hang on, I said "special," not "weird".
Brenda Sparks: I heard you. I said "weird".
Meemaw: Okay, see now, Brenda, you don't want to go calling my grandson weird when I've just treated you to a margarita grande.

Quote from Missy

Missy: I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Mary: No, you don't.
George Sr.: Pick again.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

Ms. Hutchins: Here. I read this one to help with my haphephobia.
Sheldon: Ah, fear of being touched. I have that, too. Was it useful?
Ms. Hutchins: Well, when someone's interested in touching me, we'll find out.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The basic premise of the book was that phobias were overcome by taking incremental steps toward confronting the phobia in question.
In my case, that started with watching a TV show that was adored by children around the world, but for me, was the stuff of nightmares. [Scooby Doo playing on TV]

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Meemaw got punched in the face because of me.
Mary: No, that wasn't because of you, and for the record, your meemaw gets punched in the face all the time.

Quote from Meemaw

Brenda Sparks: There's no problem here, other than these two thinking that they're better than me.
Mary: I don't think it, I know it.
Brenda Sparks: I gave your mother a good smacking. I can give you one, too.
Meemaw: That's big talk from somebody with a comb-over.

Quote from Meemaw

Pastor Jeff: Ladies. Do I need to remind you that we are Christians? In all our behavior, in all our actions, we must constantly ask ourselves the question, "What would Jesus do?"
Meemaw: Can I say something?
Pastor Jeff: Would Jesus say it?
Meemaw: Never mind.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I'm sorry for the things I said, and, you know, what happened at the bowling alley.
Brenda Sparks: As am I.
Meemaw: Here. I think this came out of your head.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I'm proud of him for trying to overcome that damn dog phobia.
Mary: You should tell him that.
George Sr.: Well, if he ever leaves that bathroom, I will.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Hey, Moonpie. I got you a little something to help you get over your fear of animals.
Sheldon: A tranquilizer gun?

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Well, I thought you could start small and then work your way up. Look, he's kind of cute.
Sheldon: He doesn't even care that I'm here. I like him.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Morning, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. Uh, you didn't see a dog wandering around here, did you?
George Sr.: No. Y'all get a dog?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, sort of. We took him in after my brother-in-law had to go live in a gated community.
George Sr.: Oh, that sounds nice, uh, they got a no pets policy?
Herschel Sparks: He's in jail, George.
George Sr.: Right, sure.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Lunch is ready. Can you go get your brother?
Missy: I'm watching TV.
Mary: Just go.
Missy: [sighs] I have to do smurfing everything around here.
Mary: I heard that.
Missy: I said "smurfing".
Mary: And I heard how you said it.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: Maybe he's teething. You know, when Billy was little, he chewed right through his playpen.
George Sr.: No kidding?
Herschel Sparks: Only had three teeth. Mostly gummed it.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Why didn't you call for help?
Sheldon: I tried, but no sound came out.
Mary: You poor thing.
Sheldon: It was very dirty up there. Is cleaning the garage your job or Dad's?

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary: Apparently, they caused the plague.
George Jr.: What about a bird?
George Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.

Quote from George Sr.

Herschel Sparks: What's going on?
George Sr.: Your dog got into our house.
Herschel Sparks: How the hell did he do that?
George Sr.: He pushed in a screen window.
Herschel Sparks: You think he chewed through the fence again?
George Sr.: All I know is Sheldon's yelling at the dog, and Mary's yelling at me. Now I'm looking at you in your underwear.

Quote from George Sr.

Herschel Sparks: Bucky got in their house.
Brenda Sparks: That's funny.
George Sr.: It might be funny one day, not right now.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Mary: My house is immaculate. George, tell them.
George Sr.: Uh, she does keep a nice house.
Herschel Sparks: Honey, it's a pretty good chance it was Bucky.
Brenda Sparks: Whose side are you on?
Herschel Sparks: Yours, always yours.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Anyway, the point is, you don't can't go throwing gasoline on the fire.
Mary: Well, they started this fire, and now, they're gonna get burned.
Meemaw: I believe you've had enough coffee.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Brenda, this is, by far, the best bowling alley margarita in town.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The next step was to go face-to-face with real dogs. Albeit through a plate-glass window.
Sheldon: Okay, that's enough.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: And finally, a close encounter of the third kind, physical contact with a member of the canine species.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: My mom also hates their grandma.
Missy: 'Cause she lost a fight to her.
Billy Sparks: Nuh-uh, she won. She said so.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Now this might be hard to understand, but living a loving, Christian life isn't always the easiest thing to do. Yes, Billy.
Billy Sparks: My mom's not crazy about you either.
Pastor Jeff: Just love your neighbor, 'kay? [SNIFFS]

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In my life, I've often been accused of being a physical coward, and for the most part, those accusations are correct. But there have been times when I've shown great courage. This was one of them.

Quote from Meemaw

Pastor Jeff: Now oftentimes, when we don't like someone, what's happening is we see something in them that we don't like in ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: What are you saying?
Mary: Really? That was over your head?
Pastor Jeff: I'm saying, y'all might have more in common than you think.
Meemaw: Well, don't say both their kids are "special". She [pointing towards Brenda] does not like that.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: It was a beautiful morning in East Texas. The kind of morning that made you want to get up, get dressed and test that acceleration due to gravity does not depend on an object's motion.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The Earth causes the same gravitational acceleration of everything, even a doll and a flying Ping-Pong ball. It's not often a man of science gets to say "Yippee ki-yay," and mean it, but-
Sheldon: Yippee ki-yay.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In panic situations, I'd often lose consciousness. This time, I only lost my voice.
Sheldon: [WEAKLY] Help. Please help.

Quote from Mary

Mary: She can cut her own crusts off.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Who are you? You're so cute.
Sheldon: [weakly] Be careful.
Missy: What are you doing up there?
Sheldon: Staying alive.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Whose dog is this?
Sheldon: I don't know. Get help.
Missy: Well, how did he get into the garage?
Sheldon: Please get help.
Missy: Maybe we can keep it.
Sheldon: I'm begging you, get help now.
Missy: First, I have to tell you something.
Sheldon: What?
Missy: Lunch is ready. [walks away]

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Will you look at that? What kind of dog chews through wood? Y'all are feeding him, right?

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary: He still makes me stir it.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Sheldon: [DOG PANTING] Mom! [DOG BARKS]
Adult Sheldon: At least this time, sound came out. I call that progress.

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