Billy Sparks: Hello.
Herschel Sparks: Hey.
George Sr.: Hey, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Was this fence window always here?
Herschel Sparks: No, son, that's a new fence window.
Billy Sparks: Anybody else getting dizzy?

Sheldon: How do we love our neighbors when our moms hate each other?
Billy Sparks: Who does your mom hate?
Sheldon: Your mom.
Billy Sparks: Hey, my mom hates your mom. Small world.

Adult Sheldon: In physics, nothing feels better than predicting an outcome. I love predictability. The force of gravity: predictable. Nuclear fusion: predictable. My brother peeing in the shower: repulsive, but predictable. What isn't predictable: dogs. I've always been terrified of dogs. To me, they're nothing but big, furry question marks. Question marks with teeth.

Brenda Sparks: Well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be inferring there's something wrong with my Billy.
Meemaw: Darlin', there's no inferring. I've seen the boy sitting in the dirt eating his own belly button lint.

George Sr.: I don't understand why that dog is so interested in Sheldon.
Missy: Maybe Bucky likes the way Sheldon smells?
George Sr.: Your brother washes himself three times a day. He has no smell.

Mary: Really, Mom? This is how you put out the fire?
Meemaw: Well, at least she got the worst of it.
George Sr.: How you figure that?
Meemaw: I ripped a big patch of hair out of her head. This will be healed in a week. She will be wearing a hat till Labor Day.

George Jr.: It's nice when the kids are in bed, and we can just hang out and relax.
George Sr.: I'm not even gonna respond to that.

Meemaw: Here, have some tea.
Sheldon: Chamomile?
Meemaw: Yes.
Sheldon: One teaspoon of honey?
Meemaw: Yes.
Sheldon: An ice cube to cool it off?
Meemaw: I went with two today. You've been through enough.
Sheldon: [drinking] I prefer one ice cube.
Meemaw: Drink it!

Sheldon: Excuse me, Ms. Hutchins?
Ms. Hutchins: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Can you recommend any books on overcoming phobias?
Ms. Hutchins: That's in the self-help section. Follow me, I have read them all. Any phobia in particular?
Sheldon: Dogs.
Ms. Hutchins: Ah, cynophobia. That's a good one. Did you know there's over 50 million dogs just in the United States alone?
Sheldon: That's 50 million too many.

Mary: Here we go: animal control.
Meemaw: Oh, no, no. No, you don't want to go calling animal control.
Mary: Why not?
Meemaw: Because, you have to live next door to these people.
Mary: They called the cops on Georgie when he played music too loud.
Meemaw: Maybe it was them, maybe it was me.

Mary: What are you gonna name him?
Sheldon: Fish.
Mary: Fish?
Sheldon: I'm not ready to get attached.

Missy: Fish are kind of boring.
Sheldon: I know, isn't it great?

Sheldon: [on the phone with a veterinary practice] Yes, hello? Oh, that's too bad. How about a small fluffy one that's recently died of old age?

Sheldon: He licked me! He licked me! The dog licked my tongue! I can still taste it! Call 911!

Mary: How's it going in there, baby?
Sheldon: [gargling, spits] Okay, but we're gonna need more Listerine.

Pastor Jeff: Now this might be hard to understand, but living a loving, Christian life isn't always the easiest thing to do. Yes, Billy.
Billy Sparks: My mom's not crazy about you either.
Pastor Jeff: Just love your neighbor, 'kay? [SNIFFS]

George Sr.: All right. Everyone's upset, it's late. Maybe we should drop this for tonight?
Herschel Sparks: That's a good idea.
Mary: Okay. You just keep your dog away from my son.
George Sr.: There you go picking it up again.
Mary: I am sorry, but their dog broke into our home. Something he probably learned from your brother.
Brenda Sparks: How dare you.
Herschel Sparks: Okay, I think that's a good stopping point.

Meemaw: You know, Mary has a tough job raising those three kids, with one of them being, you know, somewhat special.
Brenda Sparks: I can see that.
Meemaw: Yeah. And having a kind neighbor makes all the difference in the world.
Brenda Sparks: Well, we try.
Meemaw: And I know you know how stressful it is, seeing as how you have your own child who is special in his own way.
Brenda Sparks: What's that supposed to mean?
Meemaw: Well, I mean, hey, I know Billy is a terrific little boy, but I am sure he has presented you and Herschel with some challenges.
Brenda Sparks: If there's a weird kid in the neighborhood, it's your grandson.
Meemaw: Now, hang on, I said "special," not "weird".
Brenda Sparks: I heard you. I said "weird".
Meemaw: Okay, see now, Brenda, you don't want to go calling my grandson weird when I've just treated you to a margarita grande.

Meemaw: Let me buy you a drink, and we'll talk about this. I'm more on your side than you think.
Brenda Sparks: Somehow, I doubt that.
Meemaw: It's true. Don't you think I realize that Mary can be a bit-
Brenda Sparks: Of a self-righteous bitch?
Meemaw: I was gonna say "challenging," but sure, let's go with yours. It's got a nice rhythm.

Meemaw: Listen, why don't you let me talk to Brenda, and just smooth things out?
Mary: Why do you think she'll listen to you?
Meemaw: Because people like me more than you.
Mary: People like me.
Meemaw: I didn't say they don't, they just like me more.

Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.

Brenda Sparks: There's no problem here, other than these two thinking that they're better than me.
Mary: I don't think it, I know it.
Brenda Sparks: I gave your mother a good smacking. I can give you one, too.
Meemaw: That's big talk from somebody with a comb-over.

Missy: I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Mary: No, you don't.
George Sr.: Pick again.

Ms. Hutchins: Here. I read this one to help with my haphephobia.
Sheldon: Ah, fear of being touched. I have that, too. Was it useful?
Ms. Hutchins: Well, when someone's interested in touching me, we'll find out.

Adult Sheldon: The basic premise of the book was that phobias were overcome by taking incremental steps toward confronting the phobia in question.
In my case, that started with watching a TV show that was adored by children around the world, but for me, was the stuff of nightmares. [Scooby Doo playing on TV]

Sheldon: Hello, I'd like to speak with the veterinarian. Well, I was hoping you might have one or two dogs under anesthesia that I might come by and pet. Sure, I'll hold.

Pastor Jeff: Now, it says here in Mark 12:31 that you should "Love your neighbor as yourself.
" Anybody like to take a guess what that means? Missy?
Missy: It means to be nice to the people who live next door.
Pastor Jeff: That's right.
Missy: But everybody else can go to hell.

Pastor Jeff: Ladies. Do I need to remind you that we are Christians? In all our behavior, in all our actions, we must constantly ask ourselves the question, "What would Jesus do?"
Meemaw: Can I say something?
Pastor Jeff: Would Jesus say it?
Meemaw: Never mind.

Brenda Sparks: How do we know that your son didn't lure Bucky in to perform weird science experiments on him?

Mary: George! You are not gonna believe this. Look. Their dog left a dead squirrel in our living room.
Herschel Sparks: Well, he is part hunting dog. I think that means he likes you.
Mary: I'm not interested in winning his affection. I'm interested in keeping dogs and rodents outside of my home.
Brenda Sparks: Well, now, hold on. How do we know it was Bucky that left that squirrel in your house? Maybe that squirrel was already there.
Mary: Why else would a dead squirrel be in my living room?
Brenda Sparks: I don't know what kind of house you keep.

Meemaw: I'm sorry for the things I said, and, you know, what happened at the bowling alley.
Brenda Sparks: As am I.
Meemaw: Here. I think this came out of your head.

Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary: Apparently, they caused the plague.
George Jr.: What about a bird?
George Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.

Mary: Why didn't you call for help?
Sheldon: I tried, but no sound came out.
Mary: You poor thing.
Sheldon: It was very dirty up there. Is cleaning the garage your job or Dad's?

Herschel Sparks: Maybe he's teething. You know, when Billy was little, he chewed right through his playpen.
George Sr.: No kidding?
Herschel Sparks: Only had three teeth. Mostly gummed it.

George Sr.: I'm proud of him for trying to overcome that damn dog phobia.
Mary: You should tell him that.
George Sr.: Well, if he ever leaves that bathroom, I will.

Meemaw: Hey, Moonpie. I got you a little something to help you get over your fear of animals.
Sheldon: A tranquilizer gun?

Meemaw: Well, I thought you could start small and then work your way up. Look, he's kind of cute.
Sheldon: He doesn't even care that I'm here. I like him.

Mary: Lunch is ready. Can you go get your brother?
Missy: I'm watching TV.
Mary: Just go.
Missy: [sighs] I have to do smurfing everything around here.
Mary: I heard that.
Missy: I said "smurfing".
Mary: And I heard how you said it.

George Sr.: Morning, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. Uh, you didn't see a dog wandering around here, did you?
George Sr.: No. Y'all get a dog?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, sort of. We took him in after my brother-in-law had to go live in a gated community.
George Sr.: Oh, that sounds nice, uh, they got a no pets policy?
Herschel Sparks: He's in jail, George.
George Sr.: Right, sure.

Billy Sparks: My mom also hates their grandma.
Missy: 'Cause she lost a fight to her.
Billy Sparks: Nuh-uh, she won. She said so.

Adult Sheldon: In my life, I've often been accused of being a physical coward, and for the most part, those accusations are correct. But there have been times when I've shown great courage. This was one of them.

Pastor Jeff: Now oftentimes, when we don't like someone, what's happening is we see something in them that we don't like in ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: What are you saying?
Mary: Really? That was over your head?
Pastor Jeff: I'm saying, y'all might have more in common than you think.
Meemaw: Well, don't say both their kids are "special". She [pointing towards Brenda] does not like that.

Meemaw: Brenda, this is, by far, the best bowling alley margarita in town.

Sheldon: Meemaw got punched in the face because of me.
Mary: No, that wasn't because of you, and for the record, your meemaw gets punched in the face all the time.

Adult Sheldon: And finally, a close encounter of the third kind, physical contact with a member of the canine species.

Adult Sheldon: The next step was to go face-to-face with real dogs. Albeit through a plate-glass window.
Sheldon: Okay, that's enough.

Adult Sheldon: It was a beautiful morning in East Texas. The kind of morning that made you want to get up, get dressed and test that acceleration due to gravity does not depend on an object's motion.

Meemaw: Anyway, the point is, you don't can't go throwing gasoline on the fire.
Mary: Well, they started this fire, and now, they're gonna get burned.
Meemaw: I believe you've had enough coffee.

Mary: My house is immaculate. George, tell them.
George Sr.: Uh, she does keep a nice house.
Herschel Sparks: Honey, it's a pretty good chance it was Bucky.
Brenda Sparks: Whose side are you on?
Herschel Sparks: Yours, always yours.

Herschel Sparks: Bucky got in their house.
Brenda Sparks: That's funny.
George Sr.: It might be funny one day, not right now.

Herschel Sparks: What's going on?
George Sr.: Your dog got into our house.
Herschel Sparks: How the hell did he do that?
George Sr.: He pushed in a screen window.
Herschel Sparks: You think he chewed through the fence again?
George Sr.: All I know is Sheldon's yelling at the dog, and Mary's yelling at me. Now I'm looking at you in your underwear.

Sheldon: [DOG PANTING] Mom! [DOG BARKS]
Adult Sheldon: At least this time, sound came out. I call that progress.

Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary: He still makes me stir it.

George Sr.: Will you look at that? What kind of dog chews through wood? Y'all are feeding him, right?

Missy: Whose dog is this?
Sheldon: I don't know. Get help.
Missy: Well, how did he get into the garage?
Sheldon: Please get help.
Missy: Maybe we can keep it.
Sheldon: I'm begging you, get help now.
Missy: First, I have to tell you something.
Sheldon: What?
Missy: Lunch is ready. [walks away]

Missy: Who are you? You're so cute.
Sheldon: [weakly] Be careful.
Missy: What are you doing up there?
Sheldon: Staying alive.

Mary: She can cut her own crusts off.

Adult Sheldon: In panic situations, I'd often lose consciousness. This time, I only lost my voice.
Sheldon: [WEAKLY] Help. Please help.

Adult Sheldon: The Earth causes the same gravitational acceleration of everything, even a doll and a flying Ping-Pong ball. It's not often a man of science gets to say "Yippee ki-yay," and mean it, but-
Sheldon: Yippee ki-yay.