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41Quotes from ‘A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens’

A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

203. A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Aired October 4, 2018

After a tragedy in the local community, Mary's faith is shaken. Seeing his mother doubt everything she believes, Sheldon becomes an unlikely ally.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Any more thoughts on Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sheldon, do you really think this is the appropriate time to ask that question?
Sheldon: I did, but now I'm second-guessing myself.

Quote from Meemaw

Missy: How come we don't get to go to the funeral?
Meemaw: Why would you want to go to a funeral?
Missy: I've never been to one.
Meemaw: When you get to be my age, you get to go to plenty.
Missy: That's, like, a hundred years from now.
Meemaw: You make it hard to love you.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: Do you really see a dead body?
Meemaw: Sometimes.
Sheldon: How close do you get to it?
Meemaw: Real close, if you want.
Missy: And the clothes they're wearing, is that the clothes they become a ghost in?
George Jr.: Depends. In the movie Ghost, Patrick Swayze has on the outfit that he dies in. Casper runs around butt naked.
Missy: Maybe he died naked.
George Jr.: That's fun to think about.
Meemaw: And y'all wonder why you're not at the funeral.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I pray that you protect Sheldon in all that he does.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: I'm praying for you.
Sheldon: She needs it more than I do.
Mary: You think I didn't start with her?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Would you feel more confident if I told you I already know how to drive?
George Sr.: Video games don't count.
George Jr.: I'll have you know I've driven Meemaw's car. I also drove your truck one night while you were sleeping.
George Sr.: Are you crazy?!
George Jr.: I parked it and everything, you had no idea.
George Sr.: Okay, let let me get this straight. You're trying to prove to me that you're a responsible person by admitting you stole my truck.
George Jr.: I said I was responsible, never said I was smart.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Hey. Let's go out.
Meemaw: Go out where?
Mary: I don't know, Dairy Queen, shooting range, line dancing?
Meemaw: Have you been drinking?
Mary: I might've had a wine cooler or two.
Meemaw: Sweetheart, that ain't drinking.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Mom also does the good night dance.
George Sr.: Now you're just screwing with me. Night.
Sheldon: You should've gone with "sings us a lullaby."
Missy: Yeah, I got cocky.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: Where were you last night?
Mary: Out with your grandmother.
George Jr.: But where'd you go?
George Sr.: Enough questions.
George Jr.: Y'all ask me questions when I come home late.
George Sr.: Oh, I can explain that you're an idiot and we don't trust you.

Quote from Meemaw

Bruce: Looks like you could use a shoulder to cry on.
Meemaw: No, she does not need a shoulder to cry on, but I do need a place to store my pool stick.
Bruce: Maybe I'd like that.
Meemaw: Get!

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Mary: Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon: I knew I could fix it.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Adult Sheldon: I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.

Quote from Meemaw

Pastor Jeff:And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary: Let's talk about it in the car.
[Meemaw raises her hand]
Pastor Jeff: Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.

Quote from Meemaw

Pastor Jeff: Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: When you said God gave his son to the world, did you mean Earth or the universe?
Pastor Jeff: Earth.
Sheldon: But if God created the universe, wouldn't he want to save all of it?
Pastor Jeff: Yes, uh, he would.
Sheldon: Then why did you say Earth?
Pastor Jeff: "Earth" is a synonym for the universe.
Meemaw: He's grabbing at straws now.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon: He has four limbs and they have eight.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: [to Sheldon] Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Meemaw, could you take me to Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sure, maybe later.
Sheldon: Later's a little vague. Could you please be more specific?
Meemaw: When I'm good and ready. How's that?
Sheldon: Better, but I'd really like to nail this down.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Oh, and tell Sheldon I spoke to my seminary professor, and the official ruling is: God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls.
Praise Jesus!

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Hold on, hold on. Thank you, God, for this food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies, and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.
Missy: We're doing this at breakfast now?
Mary: Yes, I think it's a nice idea.
George Sr.: She's eating Count Chocula. Doesn't he play for the other side?
Mary: I'm so glad God blessed you with a sense of humor, George.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Sorry, sweetheart, I can't today. I have to bring this food over to the Hanson family. Then I have my new prayer group. And after that, I'm gonna get started on a faith garden in the backyard.
George Sr.: A faith garden? What the hell is that?
Mary: Language. It's an outdoorsy place for me to speak to God.
Missy: Don't you already speak to him indoorsy?
Mary: Yes, but in the backyard, I can enjoy the beautiful world he gave us.
Sheldon: You can also smell the Sparks' chicken coop.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Is Mom okay?
George Sr.: How the heck should I know?
Missy: She left. You can say "hell."

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: If my mother's faith was the Starship Enterprise, over the next week, she achieved warp factor 9.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: So when you gonna take me to get my learner's permit?
George Sr.: Georgie, you've heard us talking to Sheldon about asking questions at inappropriate times, right?
George Jr.: Yeah, so?
George Sr.: So, given what's happened this week, do you think it's an appropriate time to be talking about driving?
George Jr.: Why? 'Cause that girl died?
George Sr.: Yes, that.
George Jr.: For your information, I'd be an excellent driver.
George Sr.: I wouldn't trust you to push a shopping cart.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: The bartender asked to see my I.D.
Meemaw: Honey, he does that to get tips. He asked me for mine, too.
Mary: Well, I like to think we're both young attractive ladies.
Meemaw: To that old fart? Yeah.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Did you know George and I used to come here when we first started dating?
Meemaw: Is that so?
Mary: He kissed me right over there in that booth.
Meemaw: Why, was there some barbecue sauce on your face? It's a fat joke.
Mary: I got it, Mom.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy: Mom gives us kisses.
George Sr.: Fine.
Missy: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon: I respectfully pass.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: What am I supposed to do with her?
Meemaw: I don't know. But be careful. Last time she was this drunk, you ended up with your first son.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Now you're cooking breakfast for us?
George Sr.: Your mom's not feeling well.
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Is she contagious?
George Sr.: No. Just tired.
Sheldon: Did you check her for ticks?
George Sr.: Soon as she wakes up.
Sheldon: You can check her while she's asleep.
George Sr.: Sit down!

Quote from Missy

Missy: Do you even know how to cook?
George Sr.: Believe it or not, I am capable of making breakfast.
Missy: Sorry. It's not like we see you do much around here.
George Sr.: How 'bout, "Thanks for cooking, Dad"?
Missy: Chocolate chips? Thanks for cooking, Dad.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Chocolate chips for breakfast and pizza for dinner? I'm loving Dad.

Quote from Missy

Pastor Jeff: "That everyone who believes may have eternal life in him. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son."
[Sheldon raises his hand]
Missy: Here we go.

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: Why don't you ask your father to take you?
Sheldon: Dad?
George Sr.: What?
Sheldon: Can you please take me to Radio Shack?
George Sr.: I'm busy. Ask your meemaw.
Sheldon: I did. She said to ask you.
George Sr.: Well, ask her again.
Sheldon: Seems counterintuitive, but all right.

Quote from Peg

Mary: Good morning, Peg.
Peg: Well, it will be once this cup of Sanka works its magic.
Mary: Is Pastor available?
Peg: Oh, he's on the phone with his wife.
Mary: Oh, should I come back?
Peg: Nah. He usually gets his groveling done pretty quick.

Quote from Peg

Mary: So that little Hanson girl, that was horrible, huh?
Peg: Yeah. Reminds you that life is precious. [Takes a drag on her cigarette, coughing loudly] You're up, slugger. [continues coughing]

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: You all right, Mare?
Mary: No, not really. Um. I can't stop thinking about that little girl.
Pastor Jeff: I understand. That's why it's important in these times to take comfort in our faith.
Mary: What if that's not doing the trick?
Pastor Jeff: Events like this can certainly create doubt. It happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.
Mary: What do you do?
Pastor Jeff: I roll up my sleeves and I work even harder at serving our Lord. Mary, we each have a relationship with God, and relationships take work. Get out there. Help the needy, start a Bible study, hug a stranger and tell 'em the Lord loves 'em. [CHUCKLES] But not a child; that backfires on you, big-time.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Mom, have you received any distressing phone calls today?
Mary: No. Why?
Sheldon: Just wondering if it's an appropriate time to ask if you could take me to Radio Shack.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Well, I think it sounds nice.
Mary: Thank you. I'm gonna need your truck to get all the dirt and flowers and tools that I need.
George Sr.: Sure.
Mary: Oh, oh, almost forgot. Can you keep an eye out for a rock big enough to paint a Psalm on?
George Sr.: I can do that.

Quote from Mary

Adult Sheldon: Despite his concerns over her sanity, my dad found a rock worthy of her faith garden.
Mary: Ooh, right over there.
Adult Sheldon: [GRUNTS] Here?
Mary: Mm-hmm. [George drops the rock down] Gently!
George Sr.: [PANTING]: Honey, it's a rock.
Mary: I know, but still.

Quote from George Sr.

Missy: Why are you putting us to bed?
George Sr.: 'Cause your mother's out.
Sheldon: Where is she?
George Sr.: She's with your grandmother.
Missy: Where'd they go?
George Sr.: I don't know.
Sheldon: Why don't you know?
George Sr.: Because I'm here with you!

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: What is happening with you?
Mary: Do you really want to know? So, the other day I was making a casserole to bring over to the Hansons, and I wanted to include a sympathy card. So I started to write, "Your daughter's in a better place." [VOICE BREAKING] And I had to stop. Because how could that possibly be true? How could a better place be anywhere than at home safe with her family? She was just a little kid. That could've been Georgie behind the wheel. How could that possibly be God's plan?

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