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38Quotes from ‘A Math Emergency and Perky Palms’

A Math Emergency and Perky Palms

215. A Math Emergency and Perky Palms

Aired February 7, 2019

When Dr. Sturgis gives Sheldon a 95% score on a test, the pair argue over whose interpretation is correct. Meanwhile, Mary covers for Pastor Jeff when he is out sick.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Thank you for asking. I appreciate it. And how are you doing?
Ms. Hutchins: Since when are you interested?
Sheldon: My father told me I should be kind to old people.
Ms. Hutchins: How old do you think I am?
Sheldon: My father also told me if a woman ever asks you that, it's a trap.
Ms. Hutchins: Smart man.
Sheldon: But I'll say 53.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis was a wise man. It was a learning opportunity. And when the day comes that I'm wrong, I fully plan to admit it.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: It's all right, Connie. Sheldon's trying to justify his shortcut.
Sheldon: Not a shortcut, a more elegant and efficient method to achieve the correct answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I applaud the effort, young man.
Sheldon: Don't treat me like a child, treat me like a colleague.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Sheldon: How could you say that?! [CRYING]
Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Treating him like a colleague.
Meemaw: Do you and your colleagues make each other run out of the room crying like that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes. But we run slower, 'cause we're old.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: What's a math emergency?
George Sr.: That's when things don't add up. Oh, come on, guys. That was a good one.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Well, if he's wrong, then teach him to be right instead of berating him like a big ol' jackass.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's very hurtful!
Meemaw: Well, how 'bout that? They do run slower.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: I may not understand exactly what's going on with you and Dr. Sturgis, but you can't be rude to an adult.
Sheldon: What if they're wrong?
George Sr.: Doesn't matter. There are plenty of stupid people in the world, but when they're older than you, you got to show them respect.
Sheldon: I understand, sir. Thank you for your incredibly wise advice.
George Sr.: Okay.
Missy: Did you just call Dad stupid without calling him stupid?
Sheldon: Yes.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

Ms. Hutchins: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ms. Hutchins: You get that test problem sorted out?
Sheldon: No, I'm afraid Dr. Sturgis and I are still at a math impasse.
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I hate those.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: May I come in?
Sheldon: I guess.
Dr. John Sturgis: I looked over your work again and, uh, the math was correct.
Sheldon: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: You were right and I was, uh, wrong. Sorry I doubted you.
Sheldon: Wow. It must be really hard for you to admit that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, yes. But, uh, I thought it could be a learning opportunity for you.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wanted to show you that being wrong is not the end of the world.
Sheldon: Oh, okay. Thank you.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: It should come as no surprise that the very first grade I ever received was a "super-duper." Granted it was for counting spots on a ladybug, but still, I nailed it. Even as the difficulty of assignments grew, I maintained the same level of excellence. In every class, in every subject, I was perfect. Which is why this day hit me like a ton of bricks.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Hey, moonpie. Ready to go?
Sheldon: Look at this.
Meemaw: 95? That's terrific.
Sheldon: No. If it was terrific, it would say 100 with the word "terrific" next to it.
Meemaw: Don't sweat it, you'll get 100 next time.
Sheldon: But I should have gotten it this time. Dr. Sturgis made a mistake.
Meemaw: And we're sweatin' it.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You like Willie Nelson?
Sheldon: That would require knowing the permeability of free space and natural units.
Meemaw: [MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES] I suppose I like Willie Nelson.

Quote from Ms. Ingram

Ms. Ingram: Today we're gonna work on interior angles of a convex polygon. Georgie, where's your brother?
George Jr.: I don't know, do you really want him here?
Ms. Ingram: Convex polygons are polygons...

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Hutchins: Sheldon, why aren't you in second period?
Sheldon: I'm working on this math problem.
Ms. Hutchins: I think you might be the first person in history who's ever cut class to do math.
Sheldon: The irony wasn't lost on me.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: They wouldn't let me use the phone in the principal's office.
George Sr.: Who are you calling?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. It's a math emergency.
George Sr.: Don't you think you should've asked my permission first?
Sheldon: It's ringing. Yes or no?
George Sr.: You know what? I don't care.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, this is Sheldon. You're wrong and I can prove it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is that so?
Sheldon: It is so.
Dr. John Sturgis: All right, little man, bring it on.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Go ahead, Sheldon, I'm all ears.
Sheldon: Well, when I'm done, you're going to be all tears.
Meemaw: Okay, fellas, let's keep it civil.

Quote from Mary

Mary: And then he said, "For the rest of the day, you're in charge."
George Sr.: Mm.
Mary: Those were his exact words. Can you believe it? "You're in charge."
George Sr.: Well, that's great.
Mary: And thanks to me, this year United Methodist is gonna get stuck with all the limp palms.
George Sr.: Well, I don't know what that means, but good for you.

Quote from Missy

Missy: What's a hackle?

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: I think I'm losing a step.
Meemaw: You're not alone. The other night I had bingo for five moves, didn't even know it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Were you drinking?
Meemaw: It's bingo, of course I was drinking. Don't worry about it. We'll lose a step together.

Quote from Mary

Paramedic: You a relative?
Mary: No.
Paramedic: Friend?
Mary: I was trying.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: Okay, before we finish up, I'd like to call up Mary Cooper, who has a few words she'd like to say.
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff. As some of you might know, we lost a member of our congregation. James Gilford passed away earlier this week. If that name isn't familiar to you, don't feel bad, it wasn't to me either. But in the last few days, I've gotten to learn a little bit about him. He was married to his wife, Meredith, for over 45 years, he was a lieutenant in the Army, and, forgive him for this, a big fan of the Dallas Cowboys. [LAUGHTER] But even if you didn't know him, I hope that you'll still join me in celebrating his life this Wednesday at the American Legion. Thank you.

Quote from Elliot

Mary: Oh, um, and if there's anyone who's able to help me clean out his house, please let me know.
Elliot: Ooh, you know I love to tackle clutter. We'll do it!
Mary: Oh, thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Maxwell's equation my sweet patootie!

Quote from Peg

Mary: Morning, Peg. I need to run Sunday's bulletin by Pastor Jeff. Is he in?
[JEFF COUGHING]
Peg: Yep.
[COUGHING CONTINUES]
Mary: Is he coming down with somethin'?
Peg: Yep. [COUGHS]
Mary: Oh, my, are you sick, too?
Peg: [COUGHING] Never better.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Um, I have Sunday's bulletin for your approval. And I wanted to ask about ordering the palms for Palm Sunday. I know it's early, but as you remember last year, we waited too long and First United Methodist snatched up all the perky ones.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: The Walker couple is coming in for counseling.
Mary: If you rescheduled, I'm sure they'd understand.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, what if you did it?
Mary: Marriage counseling? Don't you need some sort of training for that?
Pastor Jeff: Nah, you just listen, uh, give 'em a couple prayers, send 'em on their way.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: Okay, if you really want me to.
Pastor Jeff: I do. In fact, for the rest of the day, you're in charge. All right? The bulletins, the palms, it's all you.
Mary: Well, all right, um, but only if you promise to go home and get some rest.
Pastor Jeff: Sure. Home, movie theater, food court, somewhere.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, hey, 95. Good job.
Sheldon: Really? I'm here every day and it's like you don't know me at all.
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, okay. Um, aw, 95, too bad.
Sheldon: There we go.

Quote from Peg

Mary: Anything you can tell me about the Walkers?
Peg: Not really, just a couple of newlyweds trying to figure it out.
Mary: Well, marriage is hard.
Peg: I'll never know.
Mary: Oh don't think that way. I'm sure there's someone out there for you.
Peg: Oh, no, that's not the problem. I just don't want to waste this on just one guy.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: You claim that the only way to calculate the magnetic field in QCD units is using Maxwell's equations, but you're completely discrediting energy density.
Dr. John Sturgis: But you're still off. By a factor of 3.54.
Sheldon: Which would seem insignificant, but when examined closely, you realize that it's the square root of four times pi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Your point being?
Sheldon: Rationalized and non-rationalized units differ by four times pi. Anyone with a basic knowledge of electric and magnetic fields would know that.
Meemaw: I'm lost. Are we still being civil?

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I even did some marriage counseling for a couple of young newlyweds.
George Sr.: Ooh, what kind of trouble they having?
Mary: Oh, it's all confidential; I really can't say.
George Sr.: Well, I don't need specifics, just, you know, general terms.
Mary: They're having sexual problems.
George Sr.: Really? Newlyweds?
Mary: But we all prayed on it and then the answer came clear as a bell.
George Sr.: Yeah?
Mary: The husband is under a lot of stress at work and it's diminishing his natural desires.
George Sr.: Huh. What kind of work does he do he's got so much stress?
Mary: He owns that flower shop across from the post office.
George Sr.: Flower shop. Huh.
Mary: You've seen it. It's called The Pretty Petunia.
George Sr.: Huh.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: To answer your question, Georgie, it's when a scientist is too immature to admit when he's wrong.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you're too immature.
Meemaw: Gentlemen, please.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry, but when someone with way less experience accuses me of not knowing what I'm talking about, my hackles are up.

Quote from Mr. Gilford

Mary: Maybe while you eat we could chat a little.
Mr. Gilford: I'm old, I'm alone, I'm gonna die soon. There, we've chatted.

Quote from Mr. Gilford

Mary: Here, let me get that. And, uh, while I'm cleaning up, I could also tackle some of, um-
Mr. Gilford: Don't touch anything! I like it the way it is.
Mary: Could I at least open a window, get you some fresh air?
Mr. Gilford: It's not necessary. I've got some right here.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Bonnie. You see that? I made a joke about it.
Meemaw: Never do it again.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, ma'am.

Quote from Mr. Gilford

Mary: If you're not in the mood for conversation, maybe there's something else I could do for you.
Mr. Gilford: Haven't had a sponge bath in a while.
Mary: Does Pastor Jeff give you a sponge bath?
Mr. Gilford: Sure does.
Mary: Mr. Gilford.
Mr. Gilford: No.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Mind if I make some room to sit?
Mr. Gilford: You're staying?
Mary: Yes, I'm staying. I'm here to keep you company.
Mr. Gilford: Why? So you'll look like some kind of Good Samaritan?
Mary: Because God calls on us to serve our fellow man. Romans 12:13, "Share with the Lord's people who are"-
Mr. Gilford: What are you doing?
Mary: Quoting scripture.
Mr. Gilford: Well, I don't want to hear that.
Mary: You don't want to hear the Bible?
Mr. Gilford: Not from some woman.
Mary: Excuse me?
Mr. Gilford: Where have you been? Women don't preach in our church.
Mary: Well, I'm not in our church, I'm in your living room, which is, by the way, disgusting.

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