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36Quotes from ‘Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon’

Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon

207. Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon

Aired November 1, 2018

When Sheldon and Paige attend a lecture on carbon dating, she encourages him to sneak off and run amok through the science museum. Meanwhile, George's plan to spend the day watching a football match in a diner is foiled by Paige's bickering parents. When Georgie and Missy help Meemaw hold a garage sale, Mary is concerned that her mother is selling off her late father's belongings.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George Sr.: I guess. Why?
Sheldon: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George Sr.: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George Sr.: Not at all.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George Sr.: At all costs.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Mom, can you make the salad?
Meemaw: Sure.
George Sr.: Hey, don't put in any of those little tomatoes.
Meemaw: Hey, I don't tell you how to impersonate a lump of clay. You don't tell me how to make a salad.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: There's going to be a lecture on carbon dating at the Natural Science Museum on Saturday. Who would like to take me?
George Sr.: You know what? I'd be happy to.
Meemaw: What happened to helping me at my yard sale?
George Sr.: Ooh, is that this Saturday? I'm sorry. I'm taking him to a lecture on, uh what is it? Carbonation?
Sheldon: Carbon dating. A method of determining the age of artifacts and fossils.
George Sr.: Hey, we could use that to figure out how old your grandma is.
Sheldon: That won't work. You can't carbon-date something that's alive.
George Sr.: Well, then, we'll just chop her down and count the rings.
Meemaw: Oh, George, did my "lump of clay" remark strike a nerve?
George Sr.: A little.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: How much are we getting paid today?
Meemaw: You're not getting paid squat. You're helping out your meemaw.
Missy: That doesn't seem fair.
George Sr.: Yeah, we should get something.
Meemaw: Fine. How much you want?
Missy: Five dollars.
George Jr.: Each.
Missy: Each.
Meemaw: That's pretty steep. How about I give you a buck apiece?
George Jr.: Let's meet in the middle, three dollars each.
Meemaw: Now we're haggling. Let me ask you a question. If you break something today, are you prepared to cover the cost of that?
Missy: No.
George Jr.: Nuh-uh.
Meemaw: Mm. Well, we're gonna have to factor that in. And did you bring your own lunch?
George Jr.: You said we were getting pizza.
Meemaw: Well, I did, but pizza ain't free. And I'm teaching you about negotiating, which is a pretty valuable life lesson, right?
Missy: Yeah.
George Jr.: I guess so.
Meemaw: So, if my math is right, you owe me two dollars each.
George Jr.: We owe you?
Meemaw: The numbers don't lie.
George Jr.: Dang it.
Meemaw: All right, listen. I love ya, and you're family, so if you do it for nothing, we'll call it even.
Missy: Take it, take it, take it.
George Jr.: You got yourself a deal.
Meemaw: [SIGHS] Y'all drive a hard bargain. [MUFFLED LAUGHTER] Now start bringing that crap outside. [LAUGHTER]

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Barrett: This is a nice surprise. I don't usually see young people at my lectures.
Paige: I enjoyed your paper on accelerator mass spectrometry, and wanted to find out more.
Dr. Barrett: Is that so? And you?
Sheldon: I read this magazine.
Dr. Barrett: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: It has puzzles, too.
Dr. Barrett: Okay.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Barrett: Do you want to kick this off and tell us exactly what carbon dating is?
Paige: The 5,730-year half-life of carbon 14 is used as a geochronometer.
Dr. Barrett: Anything else you'd like to add?
Sheldon: Um... carbon dating is how we figured out how old my grandmother is.
Adult Sheldon: It was at this moment I learned I was not only brilliant; I was also hilarious. [ADULT SHELDON LAUGHS]

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I need to apologize.
Meemaw: Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I am worrying about it. I didn't realize that with you and I being in a relationship, me wearing your dead husband's clothes would be emotionally challenging for you.
Meemaw: All right, apology accepted.

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Now, let's talk about this hula girl lamp. What's your best price?
Meemaw: It's my gift to you.
George Jr.: Nice haggle.
Meemaw: Nice mullet.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: From a young age, I was the proud member of several elite organizations: The Radio Shack Battery Club, entitling the bearer to the incredible bargain of one free battery per month. It's no wonder they went out of business.
Starfleet International, entitling the bearer to say things like, "I'm a member of Starfleet International."
And best of all, the Natural Science Museum of Texas, which included a free subscription to their magazine.
Sheldon: "The secrets of carbon isotope dating." Juicy.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: All right, as soon as I get these tables set up on the lawn, y'all can start bringing that stuff out.
George Sr.: You think you're gonna get ten bucks for this piece of junk?
Meemaw: Hey, that piece of junk is a wedding gift from my cheap-ass Cousin Betty. And I was gonna leave a little room to haggle.
Missy: What's a haggle?
Meemaw: Negotiating. You start high, they offer less, then you meet somewhere in the middle. Leaves them feeling like, you know, they got a deal.
Missy: Did they?
Meemaw: [GIGGLING] Not if you did it right.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Oh, my.
George Sr.: Yeah. I bet he dresses down to about 6,000, 7,000 pounds of USDA prime.
Sheldon: You would eat him?
George Sr.: He'd eat me.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Wow. You're really cleaning house.
Meemaw: Got to get rid of the old gar-bage, make room for the new gar-bage.
Mary: This was Dad's. You're not getting rid of this, are you?
Meemaw: Didn't need it when he shot it, didn't need it when he stuffed it, don't need it now.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Really? It was his first attempt at taxidermy. He was so proud.
Meemaw: If it has sentimental value to you, I'll let you have it for five dollars.
Mary: Ooh. For this nasty thing?

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: All right, now, don't wander off. Pick you up right after the lecture's over.
Sheldon: Bye.
George Sr.: You gonna be okay by yourself?
Sheldon: I actually prefer it.
George Sr.: Yep. I'm leaving.
Sheldon: You keep saying that, but then you don't do it.
George Sr.: Bye.
Sheldon: He's so needy.

Quote from Paige

Paige: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Paige?
Paige: I'm so happy to see you. Are you happy to see me?
Sheldon: Not immediately.
Paige: That's okay. I'm happy enough for both of us.

Quote from George Sr.

Linda: I mean, you, of all people, would understand. You've got a special child of your own.
George Sr.: I do, I do.
Linda: How do you and Mary handle the stress?
George Sr.: Well, we actually have a pretty good system.
Linda: Oh, please tell me.
George Sr.: We don't talk about it.
Linda: Not at all?
George Sr.: Zippo.
Linda: Boy, that doesn't sound like it could work.
George Sr.: Suit yourself, but I'm having a nice day; you're crying into your peach cobbler.

Quote from Missy

Billy Sparks: I like it.
Missy: It likes you.
Billy Sparks: How much?
Missy: Five dollars.
Billy Sparks: I only have 50 cents.
Missy: That's okay. We're haggling.
Billy Sparks: I don't know what that means.
Missy: You make me an offer, and we meet in the middle.
Billy Sparks: The middle of what?
Missy: I'm not really sure.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Considering buying this jacket. I found chewing tobacco and Juicy Fruit in the pocket. Does that come with it, or is it extra?
Meemaw: Actually, that's not for sale. Why don't you look for something else.
Dr. John Sturgis: You sure? There's a price tag on it.
Meemaw: Just take it off.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is this some kind of bargaining technique? Because I should warn you.
I've been to the bazaars in Istanbul, where the negotiations are fast, furious and bilingual.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: Just take it off, damn it. [Meemaw storms away]
Dr. John Sturgis: What just happened?
Mary: That's my dad's jacket.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. Still don't know what happened.

Quote from Sheldon

Paige: Do you think humans will become extinct like the dinosaurs?
Sheldon: Yes, but before that happens, some of us will merge with computers and become immortal cyborgs.
Paige: That's a fascinating idea.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Paige: Did you get that from a TV show?
Sheldon: No. [Paige stares at him] A comic book.

Quote from George Sr.

Linda: And then when Paige turned six, it was obvious she wasn't like the other kids, and she needed a school where she could excel.
George Sr.: Uh-huh.
Linda: But Barry's dental practice was 50 miles outside of Fayetteville, and do you know what's available for extraordinary children 50 miles outside of Fayetteville?
George Sr.: I'm gonna guess not much.
Linda: Nothing. So I packed us up, and I made him move to Texas where, believe it or not, people do get cavities.
George Sr.: I believe it. I had a humdinger last summer. Face swelled up like a cantaloupe.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This is oddly reminiscent of a dinner with my family.
Paige: You're funny.
Sheldon: I know.

Quote from Sheldon

Paige: My family never eats dinner together.
Sheldon: Why not?
Paige: My dad always manages to come home from work after we're done.
Sheldon: Hmm. My dad never misses a meal.

Quote from Sheldon

Paige: Do you think Stone Age parents stayed together forever?
Sheldon: They had to. There were no lawyers.
Paige: [LAUGHS]
Sheldon: What?
Paige: That was funny.
Sheldon: Right, we've established I'm funny.

Quote from Sheldon

Paige: Well, I think my parents are getting a divorce.
Sheldon: Why?
Paige: They fight all the time.
Sheldon: About what?
Paige: Mostly me.
Sheldon: Hmm. That's too bad. I guess I'm lucky.
Paige: Why?
Sheldon: I'm the glue that holds our family together.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Okay, ten cents a week for a whole year. I get the raccoon, and to tell people you're my girlfriend.
Missy: 15 cents a week, and if you say hello to me in school, I'll say hello back.
Billy Sparks: Deal.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Did you know that her parents are getting a divorce?
George Sr.: Just keep walking. Keep walking.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Want to hear something cool? Sheldon skipped out of that lecture with that little Paige girl, snuck into a closed exhibit.
Mary: You're kidding.
George Sr.: True. [LAUGHS] Even got, uh, "arrested" by the museum security cops.
Mary: Why would you think that's cool?
George Sr.: Sheldon got into trouble with a girl! I'm bursting with pride.
Mary: [SIGHS] You know what? I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: There, right there. That's why I love you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hearing that further convinces me I'll never get married.
George Sr.: Never say never.
Sheldon: Why not? You just said it twice.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Oh, you're selling his golf clubs, too?
Meemaw: Which one of your children do you see hanging out with Arnold Palmer in the future?

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Dad's clothes, his shoes, his pipes?
Meemaw: Honey, it's just stuff. I know, but still I get how you're feeling. I do. Now go away. I got a lot of crap to sell.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Paige: I'm bored. Let's get out of here.
Sheldon: I can't. I told my dad I'd stay here until the end of the lecture.
Paige: Okay. Be a baby. I'm leaving.
Dr. Barrett: In our case, the math yields approximately 48,000 years.
Adult Sheldon: I was most certainly not a baby. If anyone was a baby, it was she, because people who call other people babies are the real babies.
Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Wait up.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Where are you going? It's closed.
Paige: I can read, baby.
Sheldon: Just so you know, that won't work every time.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hey, you like football?
Barry: No.
George Sr.: Well, you sure? It's a close game.
Barry: Uh, no, no, I'm, uh, more of a tennis man.
George Sr.: Well, those are two very different sports, aren't they?

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: Are you okay?
Meemaw: I guess I just didn't expect that getting rid of my my husband's stuff was gonna hit me so hard.
Dr. John Sturgis: He must have been a wonderful man.
Meemaw: [LAUGHS] Well, he had his moments.
Dr. John Sturgis: He was married to a wonderful woman, so that says a lot.
Meemaw: You're pretty wonderful yourself.

Quote from Sheldon

Barry: What were you thinking?
Paige: I got bored.
Sheldon: 'Cause you're a baby.

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