Mary: Mom, can you make the salad?
Meemaw: Sure.
George: Hey, don't put in any of those little tomatoes.
Meemaw: Hey, I don't tell you how to impersonate a lump of clay. You don't tell me how to make a salad.

Paige: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Paige?
Paige: I'm so happy to see you. Are you happy to see me?
Sheldon: Not immediately.
Paige: That's okay. I'm happy enough for both of us.

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I need to apologize.
Meemaw: Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I am worrying about it. I didn't realize that with you and I being in a relationship, me wearing your dead husband's clothes would be emotionally challenging for you.
Meemaw: All right, apology accepted.

Sheldon: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George: I guess. Why?
Sheldon: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George: Not at all.
Sheldon: Why?
George: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George: At all costs.

Sheldon: There's going to be a lecture on carbon dating at the Natural Science Museum on Saturday. Who would like to take me?
George: You know what? I'd be happy to.
Meemaw: What happened to helping me at my yard sale?
George: Ooh, is that this Saturday? I'm sorry. I'm taking him to a lecture on, uh what is it? Carbonation?
Sheldon: Carbon dating. A method of determining the age of artifacts and fossils.
George: Hey, we could use that to figure out how old your grandma is.
Sheldon: That won't work. You can't carbon-date something that's alive.
George: Well, then, we'll just chop her down and count the rings.
Meemaw: Oh, George, did my "lump of clay" remark strike a nerve?
George: A little.

Dr. Barrett: Do you want to kick this off and tell us exactly what carbon dating is?
Paige: The 5,730-year half-life of carbon 14 is used as a geochronometer.
Dr. Barrett: Anything else you'd like to add?
Sheldon: Um... carbon dating is how we figured out how old my grandmother is.
Adult Sheldon: It was at this moment I learned I was not only brilliant; I was also hilarious. [laughs]

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Now, let's talk about this hula girl lamp. What's your best price?
Meemaw: It's my gift to you.
Georgie: Nice haggle.
Meemaw: Nice mullet.

Sheldon: Hearing that further convinces me I'll never get married.
George: Never say never.
Sheldon: Why not? You just said it twice.

Meemaw: All right, as soon as I get these tables set up on the lawn, y'all can start bringing that stuff out.
George: You think you're gonna get ten bucks for this piece of junk?
Meemaw: Hey, that piece of junk is a wedding gift from my cheap-ass Cousin Betty. And I was gonna leave a little room to haggle.
Missy: What's a haggle?
Meemaw: Negotiating. You start high, they offer less, then you meet somewhere in the middle. Leaves them feeling like, you know, they got a deal.
Missy: Did they?
Meemaw: [GIGGLING] Not if you did it right.

Georgie: How much are we getting paid today?
Meemaw: You're not getting paid squat. You're helping out your meemaw.
Missy: That doesn't seem fair.
George: Yeah, we should get something.
Meemaw: Fine. How much you want?
Missy: Five dollars.
Georgie: Each.
Missy: Each.
Meemaw: That's pretty steep. How about I give you a buck apiece?
Georgie: Let's meet in the middle, three dollars each.
Meemaw: Now we're haggling. Let me ask you a question. If you break something today, are you prepared to cover the cost of that?
Missy: No.
Georgie: Nuh-uh.
Meemaw: Mm. Well, we're gonna have to factor that in. And did you bring your own lunch?
Georgie: You said we were getting pizza.
Meemaw: Well, I did, but pizza ain't free. And I'm teaching you about negotiating, which is a pretty valuable life lesson, right?
Missy: Yeah.
Georgie: I guess so.
Meemaw: So, if my math is right, you owe me two dollars each.
Georgie: We owe you?
Meemaw: The numbers don't lie.
Georgie: Dang it.
Meemaw: All right, listen. I love ya, and you're family, so if you do it for nothing, we'll call it even.
Missy: Take it, take it, take it.
Georgie: You got yourself a deal.
Meemaw: [SIGHS] Y'all drive a hard bargain. [MUFFLED LAUGHTER] Now start bringing that crap outside. [LAUGHTER]

Sheldon: Oh, my.
George: Yeah. I bet he dresses down to about 6,000, 7,000 pounds of USDA prime.
Sheldon: You would eat him?
George: He'd eat me.

Mary: Wow. You're really cleaning house.
Meemaw: Got to get rid of the old gar-bage, make room for the new gar-bage.
Mary: This was Dad's. You're not getting rid of this, are you?
Meemaw: Didn't need it when he shot it, didn't need it when he stuffed it, don't need it now.

George: All right, now, don't wander off. Pick you up right after the lecture's over.
Sheldon: Bye.
George: You gonna be okay by yourself?
Sheldon: I actually prefer it.
George: Yep. I'm leaving.
Sheldon: You keep saying that, but then you don't do it.
George: Bye.
Sheldon: He's so needy.

Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Considering buying this jacket. I found chewing tobacco and Juicy Fruit in the pocket. Does that come with it, or is it extra?
Meemaw: Actually, that's not for sale. Why don't you look for something else.
Dr. John Sturgis: You sure? There's a price tag on it.
Meemaw: Just take it off.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is this some kind of bargaining technique? Because I should warn you. I've been to the bazaars in Istanbul, where the negotiations are fast, furious and bilingual.

Paige: Do you think humans will become extinct like the dinosaurs?
Sheldon: Yes, but before that happens, some of us will merge with computers and become immortal cyborgs.
Paige: That's a fascinating idea.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Paige: Did you get that from a TV show?
Sheldon: No. [Paige stares at him] A comic book.