Previous Episode Next Episode 

45Quotes from ‘A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship’

A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

305. A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

Aired October 24, 2019

After Dr. Sturgis is released from the mental hospital, he abruptly breaks up with Meemaw.

Quote from George Jr.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I realize being here after ending my romantic relationship with Connie is unusual. So, as before, I'm perfectly happy to answer any questions that you might have.
Missy: I have a question. Can I eat in front of the TV?
Mary: Sure.
George Jr.: Let's get back to The Shining. When them elevator doors open, oh, man.

Quote from Meemaw

Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, thank you. That looks amazing. I love ice cream.
Meemaw: Did you know that they used to use the anal glands of beavers to make it taste like vanilla?
Ira Rosenbloom: No. Where'd you hear that?
Meemaw: It's just something I picked up along the way.
Ira Rosenbloom: You okay?
Meemaw: Yeah. Let's eat pie.
Ira Rosenbloom: And maybe not the ice cream.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: It's so good to see you.
Sheldon: I don't normally do this, but put her there.
Dr. John Sturgis: No mitten. I'm honored.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, here's a pineapple. It's a symbol of hospitality dating back to the 1700s.
Mary: Thank you. How tropical.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, hello!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi!
Sheldon: Ooh. Did you know the pineapple is a symbol of hospitality?
Mary: As a matter of fact, I did.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're welcome!

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: I got to tell you, this is an unexpected surprise.
Meemaw: Here's to surprises.
Ira Rosenbloom: 'Cause last I heard, you and John were still going out.
Meemaw: Well, now I'm not, and I'm here with you, so let's not talk about him.
Ira Rosenbloom: Ooh. Sounds like this breakup is a little fresh.
Meemaw: Yeah, it was pretty recent.
Ira Rosenbloom: What, like, a week? Month?
Meemaw: Literally as I was calling you.
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, I'm glad that I was the first person that came to mind.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Actually, you were his idea.
Ira Rosenbloom: Still glad.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend comes home from the mental hospital, he dumps you, and he suggests that you go out with me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Ira Rosenbloom: Sounds like a spite date.
Meemaw: Well, gosh, when you say it like that, doesn't sound great.
Ira Rosenbloom: No.No, no, I'm fine with it. I just I want to make sure I got everything right.
Meemaw: Hospital, dumped, spite. You got it.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right. I hear the creamed spinach is terrific.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: How do relationships work for old people? When you were young, you didn't think old women looked hot. But now that you're old, do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a very interesting question.
Mary: Can I speak to you in the kitchen?
George Sr.: I want to hear the answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've always found your grandmother to be very hot stuff.
George Sr.: All right, let's go.
George Jr.: But you can see her wrinkles, right?

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Meemaw: So, enough about me. What's been going on in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, boy. Well, after you and I broke up, I took the opportunity to work on myself. Started playing tennis again. Uh, I-I bought a telescope, which is pretty cool because you-you got to see the Moon all big and things. And, uh, I-I tried Vietnamese food for the first time, which did not go well. Oh, very spicy. You wouldn't believe the heartburn. Not enough Tums in the world.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: This is wonderful. Did you know the term "dive bar" originated because many establishments were below street level, and patrons had to essentially dive down to enter them.
George Sr.: Didn't know that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, now you do.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: I didn't realize we were expected to take sides.
Mary: No one needs to take sides.
Missy: When Heather M. 's parents got divorced, she said it was like picking sides, but you get twice the presents.
Mary: This isn't a divorce.
Sheldon: And I'm sure Meemaw and Dr. Sturgis will still be friends.
Missy: Heather M.'s parents aren't friends. But now she's got Barbie's DreamHouse and the pink Corvette. You heard me.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Meemaw: Thank you so much, Ira. I really needed this.
Ira Rosenbloom: You're welcome.
Meemaw: We should do it again. What's your Friday night look like?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, no, Friday's no good 'cause we're doing inventory at the store.
Meemaw: Oh, okay. Well, how about the weekend?
Ira Rosenbloom: No, no, no, that's not good for me, either.
Meemaw: Are you blowing me off?
Ira Rosenbloom: Is it that obvious?
Meemaw: Well, I don't understand why. I mean, I-I thought we had a nice time.
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, we did. But you're still hung up on John, and I don't want to have my heart broken again, so I'm gonna respectfully pass.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.
Ira Rosenbloom: I know. It turns out I do have a shred of dignity. [chuckles] I'm as surprised as you are.
Meemaw: [chuckles] I'm not having a good week.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me! Everyone!
George Sr.: Oh, boy.
Dr. John Sturgis: I would like to propose a toast to George Cooper. I don't mind telling you I'm going through a bit of a rough patch, and this man went out of his way to take me here and listen to my woes. And George and I don't even know each other that well.
George Sr.: You heard it. Y'all heard it.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I just broke up with a woman. A beautiful, passionate woman. Adventurous. Sensual. Apparently, you're never too old for heartache. But tonight, I found solace in the bosom of male friendship. To George Cooper. [silence] Drinks are on me!
All: To George Cooper! [cheers]

Quote from Missy

Dr. John Sturgis: [snoring]
Mary: What happened?
George Sr.: Oh, I had a few beers. He had one.
Missy: Seriously? We can't get a dog, and this guy's still here?

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Garden's looking nice.
Mary: Well, not to commit the sin of pride, but I know.
Meemaw: How did you come out of me?

Quote from Mary

Mary: We need to have a talk. Georgie, get in here!
Missy: Are we in trouble?
Mary: No one's in trouble.
George Jr.: What's going on?
George Sr.: Have a seat.
Mary: You're also getting talked to. Sit.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Okay, Dr. Sturgis will be joining us for dinner.
Sheldon: Hot darn.
Missy: That guy's back?
George Jr.: I thought he was in the nut house.
Mary: We do not call it that.
George Jr.: That's what Dad calls it.
Mary: And that's why I made him sit.

Quote from Mary

Mary: We need to make sure that Dr. Sturgis feels comfortable.
George Sr.: And how are we supposed to do that?
Mary: For starters, do not bring up his time in the hospital.
Missy: What if he brings it up? You let the grown-ups handle that.
George Sr.: In this scenario, am I one of the grown-ups?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Great.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: You also will not stare at him during dinner.
Sheldon: Can I look at him at all?
Mary: Yes.
Sheldon: How long can I look at him before it's considered staring?
George Jr.: When I'm trying not to stare at girls, my rule is "two Mississippi".
George Sr.: I taught him that.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: What?
Sheldon: Hey, it works. When I hit three Mississippis, she noticed.
George Sr.: See?
George Jr.: Told you.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I got another one. In The Shining, Jack Nicholson goes nuts and chases people around with an ax-
Meemaw: One question each.
George Jr.: Dang it.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: Do you- I- Do you mean you-you really don't want to see me anymore? [stammers] Don't I get a say in that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Um... No.
Meemaw: Really? I-I kind of think I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, if I'm single and have another episode, it only hurts me. If we're together, that hurts you, and I can't do that again.
Meemaw: I have been waiting for you this whole time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Just more proof that you're a wonderful woman and you deserve someone you can count on.
Meemaw: Ugh!
Dr. John Sturgis: How about Ira from the furniture store? He's a catch.
Meemaw: Now you're gonna play matchmaker for me?
Dr. John Sturgis: I suppose I am.
Meemaw: You realize I could call him right now.
Dr. John Sturgis: I think you should.
Meemaw: You better mean it, 'cause I'll do it.
Dr. John Sturgis: No time like the present.
Meemaw: I'm doing it. I'm dialing.
Dr. John Sturgis: Great.
Meemaw: It's ringing.
Dr. John Sturgis: Tell him I said hi.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Mom, will Dr. Sturgis be coming over again?
Mary: Oh. Um, I don't know.
Sheldon: He should. We had so much fun talking about the mental hospital, we barely got to talk about science.
Mary: Well, I don't know what his plans are.
Sheldon: Is Meemaw coming for dinner tonight?
Mary: No. She is busy.
Sheldon: With Dr. Sturgis? Maybe I can join them. All my fun facts make me a welcome addition to any dinner date.

Quote from Missy

[As Missy finds Dr. Sturgis at the dinner table]
Missy: Really? This again?
Mary: Just sit.

Quote from Mary

George Jr.: Where's Meemaw?
George Sr.: Not here tonight.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: As I understand it, now that Dr. Sturgis is back from the hospital, he and Meemaw are figuring out how their relationship is going to work.
Missy: What does that mean?
George Jr.: Sounds like she dumped him.
George Sr.: Actually, he's the one-
Mary: Sheldon, didn't you want to talk about science stuff?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: Good. Do that right now.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Why don't you take John to a bar or something?
George Sr.: Why?
Mary: 'Cause the children don't need to hear about how attractive he finds their grandmother.
George Sr.: Why don't you take him out?
Mary: Fine. You make sure the kids take baths and get to bed. Oh, and Sheldon needs his fingernails trimmed.
[cut to:]
George Sr.: Hey, John, what do you say you and I go grab a beer?

Quote from George Sr.

Nate: Hey, George. Who's your friend?
George Sr.: Hey, Nate. This is John Sturgis. He's a scientist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Pleased to make your acquaintance, Nate.
Nate: What can I get you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Um, do you have sarsaparilla?
George Sr.: Two beers. We'll take two beers.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: I must admit, after the breakup, I was worried, but now that Dr. Sturgis and Dad are friends, we'll be seeing even more of him.
Missy: How do we see less of him?
Mary: That is not nice.
Missy: Sorry, but I'm on Meemaw's side. She got me a two-piece bathing suit.

Quote from George Sr.

Dr. John Sturgis: Can you believe Connie was my first girlfriend?
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: And probably my last.
George Sr.: Come on, don't talk like that.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it's true. She may not realize it, but this is all for the best. I'm damaged goods.
George Sr.: No, you're not.
Dr. John Sturgis: It had just been so long since I'd had an episode. I thought I was okay. [laughs] But, clearly, I'm not, and, uh, who knows if it'll happen again. And, uh, I just can't take the risk of putting Connie through that.
George Sr.: Hey, she's got problems, too. I've seen her take a wine cooler out of the trash and finish it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs]
George Sr.: I'm not joking.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, thank you for listening.
George Sr.: My pleasure.
Dr. John Sturgis: And if you want to talk about your relationship with Mary, I'm all ears. Intimacy issues, communication difficulties, problems in the bedroom...
George Sr.: Hey! Pool table's open.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah! Wonderful.

Quote from Missy

Missy: But if you did get a divorce, how many American Girl dolls could I get?
Mary: Your father and I aren't getting a divorce.
Missy: But more than one, right?

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Is it difficult to see your mother go out with men who aren't your father?
Mary: Wow. That's a big one. Um I suppose it took some getting used to, but she's a grown-up, and even though Pop-Pop passed away, she deserves to be happy.
Missy: Just so you know, I'd be happy with one American Girl doll.
Mary: And we're done.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

George Sr.: Have you played much pool?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, in my undergraduate days, all the time. It's just physics and geometry.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: I calculate the angles in my head. Sometimes in radians, sometimes in degrees, depending on my level of whimsy.
George Sr.: I'm a radians man myself.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a joke?
George Sr.: Supposed to be.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Oh, life is funny. A week ago, I was in a mental institution, and now I'm laughing it up in a dive bar.
George Sr.: Not just any dive bar. One where everyone knows me.
Dr. John Sturgis: And they are lucky that they do.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: So, good news. John's coming home on Friday.
Mary: That's wonderful.
Meemaw: It is.
Mary: You must be thrilled.
Meemaw: Oh, I am.
Mary: Mm. Little nervous?
Meemaw: No. No. No.
Mary: Be understandable if you were. The man has been in a mental institution.
Meemaw: All I know is he sounded like himself on the phone, and the doctors say he's good to go.
Mary: Well, that's great.
Meemaw: It is. I'm excited.
Mary: Well, good.
Meemaw: [flatly] Very excited.
Mary: Okay.
Meemaw: I'm gonna get another beer.
Mary: 'Cause you're so excited?
Meemaw: You know it!

Quote from Mary

Mary: Just be on your best behavior. And if you're not sure if you should say something, do not say it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Meemaw and Dr. Sturgis are out front. They're walking up the path. They see me. I'm waving. They waved back. They're close to the door. Even closer. Almost there. Door... [doorbell rings] Bell!

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: It's just so wonderful to see you all again.
Mary: We've been looking forward to it.
Sheldon: We sure have. [whispering] One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Uh, why are you counting?
Mary: You know Shelly. He loves his numbers.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Why wasn't I allowed to visit you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Some of the other patients there were very unwell, and I didn't want you to be disturbed by their behavior.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

George Jr.: I got one.
Meemaw: Here we go.
George Jr.: Did they lock you up in a room?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wasn't able to leave the hospital without being discharged, but I was free to walk the grounds.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Missy: How did you know when you were all better?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's not like a cold, where you have it and then you don't. But I've learned skills that, uh, help me to manage my mental health.
Missy: Well, that went over my head.

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: Now that we're talking about this, um, we've never really discussed the status of our relationship.
Meemaw: Don't you worry. As far as I'm concerned, we just pick up right where we left off.
Dr. John Sturgis: That means a lot. But, um I think it's for the best if we don't.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: I hope we can still be friends. But, um, I don't think we should be in a romantic relationship anymore.
Meemaw: Are you crazy? I mean, poor choice of words, but are you crazy?!

Quote from Meemaw

Ira Rosenbloom: [answering phone] Rosenbloom's Fine Furniture. Ira speaking.
Meemaw: Hello, Ira. It's Connie Tucker.
Ira Rosenbloom: Connie. Oh, my gosh. How are you?
Meemaw: He wants to know how I am.
Dr. John Sturgis: Tell him.
Meemaw: I'll call you back.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Can you believe it?
Mary: It sounds like he has your best interests at heart.
Meemaw: Men don't break up with me. I do the breaking up.
George Sr.: Well, I think it's nice that you can still experience new things at your age.
Meemaw: Keep it up, and you won't get to my age.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: So, are you gonna go out with Ira?
Meemaw: Well, I don't know why not.
Mary: Is that really what you want?
Meemaw: Well, I'm sure as hell not gonna sit home by myself while I try and figure it out.
Mary: Doesn't sound like you're being nice to Ira.
George Sr.: She's not nice. Been saying it for years.

Quote from Mary

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello!
Mary: Come in.
Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, Connie is, uh, okay with my being here?
Mary: Don't worry about it or, you know, mention it.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: But we haven't cut open the pineapple yet.
Mary: You boys go ahead. We'll eat the pineapple another time.
Sheldon: But we haven't had a chance to talk about science.
George Sr.: Ooh, can Sheldon come?
Sheldon: Can I?
Mary: No.
Sheldon & John: Aw.

 Episode 304 Episode 306