Previous Episode Next Episode 

50Quotes from ‘Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo’

Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo

117. Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo

Aired April 5, 2018

After Sheldon starts learning self-defense, Mary and George are disturbed to find out he is being bullied. When the identity of his unlikely tormenter is revealed, Sheldon's parents disagree on how to handle the situation.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
George Jr.: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid. He tucks in those shirts.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Aw, baby. I'm so sorry you're havin' to deal with this.
Sheldon: It's okay. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Mary: And do you feel stronger?
Sheldon: [contemplating] No.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The perilous journey from the bus stop to my front door was 97.5 meters. FYI, insisting on using the metric system in East Texas is another reason I was hunted by predators.

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: I bowled a new high score last night.
George Sr.: Nice.
Meemaw: I got two turkeys.
Missy: What's a turkey?
Meemaw: It's three strikes in a row.
Missy: Why do they call it a turkey?
Meemaw: Well, when they first invented bowling, they used to just throw frozen turkeys at the pins. Eventually, they switched to balls to cut down on the smell.
George Sr.: Why you lying to her?
Meemaw: I find it keeps my mind sharp.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Georgie, I need to talk to you, and wake up, you're gonna be late.
George Jr.: Got it covered. I sleep in my clothes.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Look, somebody has been picking on your brother. You know anything about it?
George Jr.: No.
Mary: You better not be covering for anybody.
George Jr.: I'm not. Most kids at school ignore him, and the girls all think he's cute. It's kind of annoying.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Well, I need you to look after him.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because I'm your mother, and I'm asking you nicely.
George Jr.: What if I don't want to?
Mary: I don't care, you're doing it.
George Jr.: How was that nice?

Quote from George Sr.

Herschel Sparks: I don't know what to tell you, George. I mean, is it, is it possible your son has a little crush on her?
George Sr.: Oh, I don't think he's wired that way.
Herschel Sparks: Oh, are you saying that he's a-
George Sr.: No, no, I'm saying he's a bookworm. Unless she's math or a dictionary, he ain't interested.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Did you ever have a bully when you were growing up?
Mary: Have you met your grandma?

Quote from Mary

Brenda Sparks: You know what? I have been nothin' but nice to you and your family since the day y'all moved in, and I'm over it. Watching you walk around all holier than thou, like you're better than everyone else. Well, guess what, you're not.
Mary: I'm gonna pray for you!

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Existing in a world of predators isn't easy, but we prey have developed several natural defenses to help us survive. There's playing dead, warning calls, camouflage, and, last but certainly not least, good old-fashioned running away. A little screaming never hurts either.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Missy: One lump or two?
Bobbi Sparks: Two, please.
Missy: Billy?
Billy Sparks: Why would I want lumpy tea?

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In any ecosystem, you'll find a delicate balance between predator and prey.
Some well-known predators include Panthera leo, Ursus arctos, and star of the 1987 film Predator, Predator. Now, examples of prey include Oryctolagus cuniculus, Gallus gallus domesticus, and weighing in at 58 pounds soaking wet, Diminutive homo novus Curiously, a close relative of Gallus gallus domesticus.

Quote from Sheldon

Tam: Jiu-jitsu?
Sheldon: I've decided to learn self-defense.
Tam: Why?
Sheldon: I'm quite small, and will be for several years, maybe even more if I'm a late bloomer.
Tam: Your dad's big, maybe you'll take after him.
Sheldon: We both like my mom. I think that's where the similarities end.

Quote from Tam

Sheldon: You know, one of the books mentioned a Vietnamese martial art.
Tam: Vovinam. I'm a blue belt.
Sheldon: Wow.
Tam: Don't be impressed. It's what you get when your mom buys the uniform.
Sheldon: Do you remember any of it?
Tam: I don't even know where the belt is.

Quote from Sheldon

Tam: And what happens when I get to you?
Sheldon: I'll use your inertia to take you down.
Tam: Okay. [Tam runs at Sheldon, who tries to grapple Tam and pull him to the ground] And when does inertia take me down?
Sheldon: Any second. [Later, Tam has his arms wrapped around Sheldon as he tries to struggle free]I don't care I don't understand. I'm using physics.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, you all right?
Sheldon: Yes. I must be a little sore from doing jiu-jitsu with Tam yesterday.
George Sr.: Why were you doing jiu-jitsu?
Sheldon: We're boys. Roughhousing is what we do.

Quote from Missy

Mary: What's all this?
Sheldon: An extra layer of protection.
Meemaw: Protection from what?
Mary: Sweetie, is someone bothering you?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: Who is it?
Sheldon: I'd rather not talk about it.
Mary: No, I want a name right now.
George Sr.: Mary.
Mary: Have you been hurting him?
Missy: Only with my words.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Why aren't you more upset about this?
George Sr.: I am. I just think we should proceed with caution.
Mary: Someone is hurting our son.
George Sr.: I understand. But handling bullies is tricky. It's easy to make things worse.
Mary: And what makes you the expert?
George Sr.: Honey, I was a bully.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: So there I was flying above the city, but when I woke up, I couldn't fly.
Sheldon: That's like the dream you had where you were dating Madonna, but when you woke up, you weren't.
George Jr.: Exactly. You ever have the ones where your teeth are falling out? Better my teeth than my hair, but-

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: George. You need to talk to her parents.
George Sr.: Me? Why me?
Mary: Because you're more intimidating than me.
Meemaw: That's rich.

Quote from Billy Sparks

George Sr.: Hey, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Hello, Missy's dad.
George Sr.: Is your father home?
Billy Sparks: Yes.
George Sr.: Could you get him for me?
Billy Sparks: Happy to. Dad, it's Missy's dad! He's also Sheldon's dad.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: Anyway, how can I help?
George Sr.: Uh, well It's come to my attention that, uh, Sheldon's run into a bit of trouble with your daughter.
Herschel Sparks: What kind of trouble?
George Sr.: He says she been beating on him.
Herschel Sparks: My Bobbi?
George Sr.: Yeah.
Herschel Sparks: This one? The six-year-old? Bobbi, get over here! You realize I've taken dumps bigger than this kid.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: How'd it go?
George Sr.: Uh, good. Yeah. I handled it.
Mary: Oh, thank the Lord.
George Sr.: Yeah. Me and the Lord. Team effort.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, Bobbi.
Bobbi Sparks: You told on me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, my brother figured it out, so, technically, I would argue that I didn't.
Bobbi Sparks: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Uh, I should let you know, I've read a book on jiu-jitsu. And I'm prepared to throw it at you.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: And regarding this jiu-jitsu stuff, you should know that a man's not supposed to raise his hand to a woman.
Sheldon: Oh, I won't. I don't want to hurt myself again.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Missy, I could really use your help.
Missy: With what?
Sheldon: I'm being bullied by Bobbi Sparks.
Missy: Hilarious. Go on.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: She says that to me all the time. I'm not even sure she does it.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: I like to take a break from the family and come out here and watch the games.
George Sr.: Ooh! Your wife don't mind?
Herschel Sparks: She don't know. She's scared to death of chickens.
George Sr.: Is that right?
Herschel Sparks: Once I found out, buildin' this coop was a no-brainer.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

George Sr.: You know, we should probably get our stories straight before we talk to our respective mates.
Herschel Sparks: Sure. What do you want to say?
George Sr.: How 'bout this? We had words, it almost got ugly, but we came to an understanding.
Herschel Sparks: I like that. You want to take a swing at me? Make it look real? I have a freakishly high tolerance for pain.
George Sr.: No, no. But you're sweet for offering.

Quote from Sheldon

Luis: Cooper. Your stop.
Sheldon: Would you mind dropping me off closer to my house?
Luis: You know I'm not allowed to do that.
Sheldon: What if I did your taxes?
Luis: Sorry, kiddo.
Sheldon: I could've gotten you a nice refund.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Homo novus needs a Yoo-hoo.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: The book says jiu-jitsu is based on using your attacker's momentum against them. It's just physics. Come at me.
Tam: Like, run at you?
Sheldon: Well, I'm new to this, so maybe just walk quickly.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This leg lock is called an Outside Ashi Garami.
Tam: What happens next?
Sheldon: That depends, is this your foot or mine?

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: You go with him.
Missy: But my cereal's gonna get soggy.
George Sr.: Go.
Missy: [sighs] I'd like one nice morning.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I wonder if stray cats poop in that sandbox.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: Well, howdy, neighbor.
George Sr.: Hey, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: What brings you by? Chickens too loud?
George Sr.: Nah, they been fine.
Herschel Sparks: Good, good. Fried up the noisy one last week. That shut him up.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

George Sr.: Thanks for hearin' me out.
Herschel Sparks: Your wife sent you over here, didn't she?
George Sr.: I don't want to talk about it.
Herschel Sparks: I bet she did!
George Sr.: Not talkin' about it!
Herschel Sparks: Tell her I said hi!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [SCREAMING]
Mary: Shelly, it's just Bactine.
Sheldon: Aah!
Mary: I didn't even put it on you yet.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: You want to tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Bobbi Sparks came into the garage-
Mary: And she attacked you?
Sheldon: Not exactly. I tried to use jiu-jitsu on her, but I tripped and fell.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I thought you said you handled it next door.
George Sr.: I did say that.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Where you goin'?
Mary: To handle it.
George Sr.: Should've been you in the first place.
Mary: What?
George Sr.: Good luck!

Quote from Mary

Mary: I see that. But you understand that your daughter's being abusive to my son.
Brenda Sparks: Well, maybe your son needs to grow a pair.
Mary: And in due time, he will.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Brenda Sparks: [on the tannoy] Connie Tucker to the front desk, please. Connie Tucker.
Mary: Why are you calling her?
Brenda Sparks: You say my daughter's harassing your son. Well, her daughter's harassing me.

Quote from George Sr.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. It has come to my attention that your wife went to speak with my wife at her place of work, - and, uh-
George Sr.: She send you over here?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, the-the important thing is that I'm here to tell you that, uh, Mary's behavior was inappropriate.
George Sr.: You know, it's interesting. When I came to your house, you were laughin', and now you're all serious. Why is that?

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: You hang out in here?
Herschel Sparks: Sure. Once you get used to the smell, it's not so bad.
George Sr.: I coach a high school football team. This smells like petunias.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Missy: Isn't he pretty?
Bobbi Sparks: Very pretty.
Billy Sparks: I feel pretty.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: I feel bad about the whole thing with the kids.
George Sr.: Hey, it happens.
Herschel Sparks: I know, but Bobbi shouldn't be beatin' on Sheldon like that. It's not okay.
George Sr.: What's not okay is Sheldon gettin' beat up by a little girl.
Herschel Sparks: Well ... yeah.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Brenda Sparks: Where is that fat dumbass?
Herschel Sparks: Believe it or not, that means I'm gettin' lucky tonight.
George Sr.: Y'all have an odd relationship.
Herschel Sparks: Love is a mysterious thing.

 Episode 116 Episode 118