Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon, if your pizza's too hot, put ice on it. That's what I did.

Missy: Mom, we're going to Chuck E. Cheese!
Mary: We're not going anywhere. It's almost your bedtime. Sorry, hon.
Missy: Well, all that matters is that I'm the winner.
Sheldon: Yes, you are.
Adult Sheldon: Actually, I was the winner. We spent the whole day doing everything I love: drafting contracts, arguing about rules, and most importantly, never leaving the house.

Meemaw: [on the phone] So John, I hear you're going camping this weekend.
Dr. John Sturgis: I am.
Meemaw: With the guy I'm dating.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. It was so nice of him to let me tag along.
Meemaw: And don't you think that's gonna be a little awkward?
Dr. John Sturgis: No more awkward than any other social situation I find myself in. I'm making my, uh, homemade GORP. Good old raisins and peanuts. I'll have to give you the recipe.
Meemaw: I think I can figure it out.

Dale: So, George, how do I convince this one to come fishing with me next weekend?
Meemaw: I told you, nobody's gonna see this face after a night in a tent.
George Sr.: Mm. Smart. You don't want that mug scaring the fish.

Meemaw: You got to remember to hoist your food up into the trees so this one can't get it.
George Sr.: Very funny.
Meemaw: You make fun of my face, I'm gonna have to make fun of your enormous, bear-like body.

Sheldon: "And finally, both parties agree the loser will do the activity selected by the winner graciously, without complaint. For the purpose of this agreement, a complaint is defined as any disparaging comment, eye rolls or name calling, including but not limited to: 'dingus, ' 'fartbreath' and 'buttwipe.'"

Meemaw: So now I have these two guys in my life. And I know that might sound like bragging, but at my age, if you are single and not hooked to an oxygen tank, you got to swat 'em away. I'm still pissed at you for dying. I'm not gonna just sit at home and miss you. I mean, you wouldn't want that. You'd want me to go out and have fun, right? Take your time, think about it.

Meemaw: [on the phone] Listen, I want to warn you about Dale. He's kind of a guy's guy. Sometimes his sense of humor can be a little mean-spirited. Just don't let it hurt your feelings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you don't have to worry about me. We physicists are no strangers to smack talk. I once told Dr. Linkletter he wouldn't know a randomized trial if it crawled up his sphincter.

Missy: How about a movie?
Sheldon: How about the planetarium? That's like a movie, where you can see real stars instead of, I don't know, Gene Kelly?
Missy: We're never gonna agree. Let's just do rock, paper, scissors.
Sheldon: No. Anecdotal evidence suggests that players familiar with each other will tie 75% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes.
Missy: Well, what if we added a few more choices? Like, rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony.
Sheldon: Now you're just being silly.

Missy: Well, since they get to do something fun, why can't we? Ooh, Chuck E. Cheese.
Sheldon: That place is a nightmare. Something that could be fun is the Museum of-
Missy: No.
Mary: Let him finish.
Missy: We already heard "museum." It's not gonna get better.
Sheldon: The Museum of the American Railroad.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, that's worse.

Mary: Shelly, why don't you put your book down and watch your sister play? It's getting exciting.
Sheldon: It looks like everyone's just standing there.
George Sr.: There's two outs, bases are loaded, a-and the winning run's on second.
Meemaw: But if Missy throws one more strike, they'll win.
Sheldon: And then we can go home? That is exciting.

George Sr.: Hey, there's John up here on the right.
Dale: Are you sure that's not a garden gnome?

Sheldon: Okay. Each player alternates naming a state while Hula-Hooping. The first player who can't name a state or drops the Hula-Hoop loses. Ready, set, go.
Missy: Texas.
Sheldon: Darn it.
Missy: So I won?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: Good. 'Cause I was just gonna say "Texas" again.

Mary: Here's some coffee for the road.
George Sr.: Thanks.
Mary: Make sure your dad doesn't drink too many beers.
George Jr.: You're funny.
Mary: And make sure your son doesn't drink any beers.
George Sr.: Got it. I'll finish 'em all. Let's go.

Meemaw: [on the phone] Do not be a jerk to John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, why would I be a jerk?
Meemaw: You're gonna be camping. You're gonna be in the woods. You're gonna be drinking. You're a jerk without any of that.

Sheldon: But your idea of a winner-takes-all competition is a good one. We just need to come up with something that is fair to both of us. Ooh. What if we list all the spices in Mom's spice rack alphabetically? I'll go first. Adobo. Black pepper. Cinnamon. Coriander. Cumin.
Missy: We're not playing the spice game.
Sheldon: Dill.
Missy: Urgh!

George Sr.: [on the phone] That might be a little weird. It-it's Connie's ex.
Dale: Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
George Sr.: Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going. Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Dale: Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that. Bring him along.
George Sr.: You sure?
Dale: Yeah. Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat. Be like an appetizer.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John here. I'm calling to confirm a time for beer and socializing this weekend.
George Sr.: Oh, damn. I forgot we had plans. Um, I'm actually going camping.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.
George Sr.: I'm real sorry. Uh, the invitation kind of came up last minute.
Dr. John Sturgis: You may not know this, but, um, I love camping.
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. I spent a year backpacking through Asia.
George Sr.: I mean, I'd invite you along, but it's not really my trip. I'm going with Connie's friend Dale.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I'll just hang out with another friend this weekend.
George Sr.: Great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I just need to make one first.

Missy: Come on.
Sheldon: I don't want to.
Missy: Just one more time.
Sheldon: Fine.
Both: Rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony!
Sheldon: Rock trips pony. I win.
Missy: How do you keep winning?
Sheldon: You keep picking pony.

Missy: Can we just sign it and play?
Sheldon: I've signed my name. Feel free to draw an "X."
Missy: I know how to write my name, Sheldon. Damn it, I wrote "Sheldon."

Dale: [on the phone] Don't worry. I know how to get along with people.
Meemaw: Knowing how and doing it are two different things.
Dale: Okay, okay. I-I'll be nice.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dale: To your goofy little friend.

Meemaw: So enough about me. How about you? You got your wings yet, or is that just in the movies?
Kenneth: It's a Wonderful Life. That's one of my favorites.
Meemaw: Ah, sorry. I didn't see you. I'll keep it down.
Kenneth: No, it's all right. I, uh talk to my wife all the time. I'm Kenneth. This is Vanessa.
Meemaw: Connie. This is Charlie. I'd introduce them, but they're neighbors. They probably know each other.
Kenneth: Well, if he complains about someone snoring, I'm sure it's her.
Meemaw: I didn't bury him with his hearing aid, so he's fine.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm here because my friend George invited me.
Dale: Uh-huh. Well, your friend George invited you because he felt sorry for you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Connie warned me you might behave like this, and she-she was right.
Dale: I don't know why the hell she ever went out with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, she did, and we got along famously.
Dale: Until you broke up with her after you got out of...
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of what? Say it!
Dale: Never mind.
George Sr.: Damn. Piddled on my shoe. What'd I miss?

Dr. John Sturgis: Gentlemen. I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
Dale: See ya.
George Sr.: H-Hang on, Dale. John, wait, you can't just leave. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.

Dale: Let him go, George.
George Sr.: You want to tell Connie you lost her old boyfriend in the woods?
Dale: Well, he's a grown man for crying out loud. Let him do what he wants.
George Jr.: Well, that's an argument for me having a beer.
George Sr.: Shut up.

George Jr.: Mind if I grab a beer?
Dale: I'm not your father.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hold on. This young man's underage.
Dale: So?
Dr. John Sturgis: So the laws of Texas are pretty clear on the subject.
Dale: Oh, what a surprise. There's one more thing you know more about than everybody else.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know why you're surprised.
Dale: I don't know why you're here.
George Jr.: I'm just gonna stick with Dr Pepper.

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

Meemaw: So, Dale is fun. Kind of a good old boy. Reminds me a bit of you. He gets on my nerves. So he kind of reminds me of you. And John's not anything like you. He's not anything like anyone. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about him.

Dale: Boy, for a little guy, he's fast, ain't he?

Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George Sr.: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

Mary: Oh, that's nice. You decided to stay home and play a game?
Missy: Nope. We're inventing a new game, and the winner gets to pick what we do today.
Sheldon: We had to find a way to make sure that it's completely fair to both of us.
Missy: So we made a list of 20 challenges that combine stuff we're both good at. Whoever wins each challenge gets to take a block and put it on top of their tower.
Sheldon: Whoever's tower reaches the height of this rocket first wins.
Mary: Okay, I will leave you to it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Dale?
Dale: No, I think I know how to fish, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? 'Cause it doesn't look like it.
Dale: Well, maybe that's because all your talking is scaring the fish away.
Dr. John Sturgis: Evidence suggests your theory is incorrect.
Dale: Well, evidence suggests I need another beer.

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Meemaw: I know it's been a while, but I really have to talk to you. I understand you might not want to hear about my dating life, but if you hadn't died, I wouldn't be in this situation. So this is on you.

Sheldon: Missy, how would you feel if there were somewhere just like Chuck E. Cheese, but instead of pizza and ball pits, there was locomotives and placards explaining their history?
Missy: That's just the museum.
Sheldon: I didn't think she'd see through that.

George Sr.: This sure is a sweet setup.
Dale: Well, now, thank you very much.
George Jr.: This thing is nicer than our house.
George Sr.: It's not nicer than our house.
Dale: Well, don't be too sure now. I got microwave and air-conditioning. I got a stack of old Playboys back there in the bathroom.
George Sr.: Okay, maybe.

George Jr.: Suddenly, camping with Dr. Sturgis doesn't seem so bad.
Meemaw: Uh, excuse me camping with who?
George Sr.: Whoa. Dale didn't mention it?
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: I'm guessing John didn't mention it.
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: Hmm.
Meemaw: And when were you gonna mention it?
George Sr.: Oh, I was never gonna mention it.

Missy: Why can't I go fishing?
Mary: It's a boys' weekend.
Missy: Then why isn't Sheldon going?
Meemaw: Do you hear yourself?
Sheldon: Do you?

Mary: So, how are you enjoying your first meal with our family?
Dale: Well, everybody's mean. I love it.

Sheldon: Does a family meal mark an escalation in your romantic relationship?
Dale: That's a good question. Does it?
Meemaw: You know what? Why don't you go sit at the kid table with your sister?
Sheldon: Where do I begin? They're loud, they're sweaty from sports...
Meemaw: Get.

Dale: Everybody, dig in.
Sheldon: Fun fact: did you know that pizza is only one of many Mediterranean flatbreads?
Dale: You talking to me?
Mary: Shelly, this is Mr. Ballard's first time eating with us. Let's make sure it's not his last.