Meemaw: Where we eating tonight?
Dale: Well, that depends. Why don't you look in the glovebox and check on the Tums situation.
Meemaw: There's five.
Dale: Oh, my, this is tricky. Well, Mexican's at least three apiece.
Meemaw: We might get by with two each if it's Italian.
Dale: You get red wine and then tomato sauce. Hey, if they put lemon in the water, we're dead.
Meemaw: Hmm. That leaves barbecue.
Dale: Sold.
Meemaw: Who gets Tum number three?
Dale: Me. They're my Tums.

Meemaw: I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.
Waiter: And for you?
Dale: Uh, just the house salad, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Meemaw: House salad? You watching your figure?
Dale: I have a physical tomorrow.
Meemaw: Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now?
Dale: Can't hurt.
Meemaw: It ain't gonna undo years of red meat and beer.
Dale: I'm not trying to undo it, I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce.

Meemaw: I got to go open up the gambling room. Can you watch her for about an hour?
Dale: I just had coffee and a bowl of Raisin Bran. Next hour is spoken for.
Meemaw: You could've just said no.
Dale: I'm trying to keep the romance alive.

Georgie: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
Georgie: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
Georgie: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
Georgie: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

Missy: You made fun of her for not having the right insurance?
Dale: It was a joke. The only thing I got wrong was the timing. If I said it two or three years later, everybody's laughing their ass off.

Dale: Oh, listen, come on. As long as it takes you to rebuild your place, you always got a home right here with me.
Meemaw: Thank you. Thank you. [hugs Dale] Well, I don't want to be a freeloader. I-I'll pay you rent.
Dale: Great.
Meemaw: My house just blew away, you're supposed to say no!
Dale: Well, you offered.

Mandy: Do they know about Georgie?
Meemaw: No, of course not.
Dale: Your grandma's not a snitch. Which, by the way, will serve you well if you end up in the slammer.
Meemaw: The pokey, the slammer. What is it with you?
Dale: I like cop shows. You learn things.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

Dale: Georgie, I want you to keep an eye on that weirdo over there.
Georgie: I know that weirdo. He used to date my meemaw.
Dale: That guy?
Georgie: Yeah, he's, like, super smart.
[Dr. Sturgis hits the cup he's positioned over his private parts with a ping pong racket]
Dale: I'm not sure I believe you.

Umpire: Strike!
Missy: Yes!
Dale: Aw, don't get all hysterical, little girl!
Missy: You suck!
Dale: You suck!
Missy: No! You suck!
Umpire: Strike!
Dale: I am the leader of the little people.

Dale: You actually bought this thing?
Meemaw: It's fun, huh?
Dale: I feel like I'm riding in a banana.
Meemaw: Oh, come on. It's a beautiful day. The top is down. Feel that wind.
Dale: Yeah, I feel the wind. I just can't feel my feet.
Meemaw: Well, put your seat back.
Dale: If I put it any further back, I'd be in the trunk.
Meemaw: Starting to wish I had put you in the trunk. [Dale covers his mouth] What are you doing now?
Dale: Keeping the bugs out of my mouth.

George: I really appreciate this, Dale.
Dale: Smuggling cigarettes? What the hell was she thinking?
George: It was Georgie's idea.
Dale: Well, that makes more sense. Well, whose truck we taking?
George: You're coming?
Dale: My ex-girlfriend in jail at the Mexican border? [chuckles] I got to take pictures.
George: [scoffs] All right, I'll drive.
Dale: But we got to stop and get film.

George: It's like she's a different person.
Dale: That reminds me of a film. A lady fell off a boat, she hit her head, and when she woke up, she was a completely different person.
George: What's your point?
Dale: Did Mary fall off a boat recently?
George: Not that I know of.
Dale: Well, you should ask her.
George: We're not boat people, Dale.

Dale: Little late to start a movie.
Meemaw: It's 8:00.
Dale: We're saying the same thing.

Meemaw: Could you change her and let me finish up here?
Dale: How do you mean?
Meemaw: I mean, like, go get a new diaper and put it on her.
Dale: Oh. No, thanks.
Meemaw: Don't you be a baby. Go and change her.
Dale: The first diaper I change is gonna be my own.
Meemaw: You've never changed a diaper?
Dale: Not a one.
Meemaw: You have kids. And grandkids. How did you get away with never changing a diaper?
Dale: Mm. It wasn't easy. When there's something important to you, you find a way.