Dale Quotes

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

George Jr.: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
George Jr.: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
George Jr.: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
George Jr.: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

Quote from the episode Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency

Meemaw: I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.
Waiter: And for you?
Dale: Uh, just the house salad, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Meemaw: House salad? You watching your figure?
Dale: I have a physical tomorrow.
Meemaw: Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now?
Dale: Can't hurt.
Meemaw: It ain't gonna undo years of red meat and beer.
Dale: I'm not trying to undo it, I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Dale: I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.
Missy: Meemaw told you?
Dale: She's my girlfriend. You know, we talk about stuff.
Missy: So, all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?
Dale: I was just being nice.
Missy: Since when are you nice?
Dale: Well, don't get used to it. Just go strike out your boyfriend.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Dale: I-I just don't understand why you want to go out with her.
Meemaw: You don't? She seems like fun.
Dale: Well, yeah, she is, until you marry her and then you find her sleeping upside down in the closet. No, I mean, seriously. You don't think that having drinks with my ex-wife is a little weird?
Meemaw: You went camping with John.
Dale: Oh, it was weird.

Quote from the episode A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles

June: [on answer machine] Hey, Connie, it's June. You know, I don't feel good about what happened the other night, and I just want to say I'm sorry. Could you give me a call back? Thanks. Bye. [machine beeps]
Meemaw: That's nice.
Dale: I don't know why you get an apology. I'm the one she was trying to piss off.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Looks like she's still doing it.
Dale: All the years we were married, I never once got an apology.
Meemaw: Well, you're not exactly the apologizing kind yourself, you know.
Dale: Well, that's not true. For years after we broke up, I was telling people I was sorry I married her.

Quote from the episode A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On

Dale: Could me and your meemaw have a little privacy, please?
Missy: We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Sheldon: [rolls dice] Also, you find no traps.
Dale: What is your problem?
Meemaw: You act like Mr. Goody Two-shoes, and you expect me to believe that's real?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I don't.
Dale: Sheldon said there were no traps. [scoffs]

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

What do you think about letting me borrow your truck today?
Dale: I don't know.
Meemaw: Why not?
Dale: 'Cause I like my truck.
Meemaw: Not funny.
Dale: It is. You're just cranky.
Meemaw: Fine. Maybe I'll just ride my bicycle to the salon.
Dale: You ride a bike?
Meemaw: Is that amusing to you?
Dale: An old lady riding a bike? Oh, no. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Shut up.
Dale: Okay, will do.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

George Sr.: Hey, there's John up here on the right.
Dale: Are you sure that's not a garden gnome?

Quote from the episode A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Dale: [on the phone] Well, we don't carry hockey skates. Uh, heck, I know of a place up north where you can find them. It's called Canada. [hangs up]

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

George Sr.: [on the phone] That might be a little weird. It-it's Connie's ex.
Dale: Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
George Sr.: Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going. Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Dale: Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that. Bring him along.
George Sr.: You sure?
Dale: Yeah. Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat. Be like an appetizer.

Quote from the episode A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On

Dale: Well, that's good, then. I don't have to pretend to be mister water-drinking nice guy anymore.
Meemaw: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Dale: [smiles] Yeah, well. Will you all excuse me?
Meemaw: Where you going?
Dale: I'm gonna get myself a beer. [chuckles]
Sheldon: [to Meemaw and Missy] So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest. What do you do?
Dale: [o.s.] Pull a beer out of it.

Quote from the episode A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On

Dale: [sighs] I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Meemaw: Are you still mad about that?
Dale: Oh, hell yeah I'm still mad about that.
Missy: He proposed?
Sheldon: He just said he did. Pay attention.
Dale: And you didn't even take it seriously.
Meemaw: I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
Dale: That's when I'm the most honest. You can ask anybody at the bar.

Quote from the episode Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency

Meemaw: I can't believe we have to drink so much of that garbage.
Dale: [sighs] Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear.
Meemaw: You are so full of crap.
Dale: Well, not for much longer. Excuse me, the festivities have begun.
Meemaw: You're taking that whole thing with you?
Dale: I'm gonna be a while.

Quote from the episode Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency

Meemaw: I feel bad beating you like this after you bought me drinks.
Dale: Okay, I tell you what. You want to make it more interesting?
Meemaw: Sure.
Dale: Okay, how about this? If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me.
Meemaw: God, are you still on this?
Dale: Come on, why not?
Meemaw: 'Cause I don't wanna.
Dale: Well, I don't wanna, either, but my doctor said I got to.
Meemaw: Well, my doctor didn't say nothing.
Dale: When was the last time you saw him?
Meemaw: I don't know, it's been a while.
Dale: Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while, "Watergate" a while?
Meemaw: Drop it.
Dale: Uh, last time you saw him, were they using leeches?
Meemaw: I'm about to take this pool cue and beat your doctor to the punch.
Dale: Oh. That long, huh? Look, all I'm saying is you could use a checkup.
Meemaw: I feel fine.
Dale: Okay. At your age, there's nothing wrong with going in...
Meemaw: I'm not going to the doctor, so just... mind your own business.

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

George Sr.: What are you thinking?!
Dale: I'm thinking I should've went home after your wife left.

Quote from the episode An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel

Dale: Well, for the sake of honesty and because she might tell you, I was helping her take a shower.
Meemaw: You took a shower with her?!
Dale: She took the shower, I was just assisting.
Meemaw: So she was naked.
Dale: For crying out loud, we were married. I've seen her naked a million times.
Meemaw: You think that is helping?
Dale: I knew I shouldn't have been honest.
Meemaw: You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.
Dale: There was nothing sexy about it. It was like washing a car. A rusty old car.
Meemaw: Did you scrub her windshield?
Dale: What does that even mean?
Meemaw: Her boobs, genius.
Dale: I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.
Meemaw: Well, fine.
Dale: And boobs are headlights. Everybody knows that.

Quote from the episode An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel

June: Come in. If you're a robber, I got a gun.
Meemaw: It's Connie and Dale. Don't shoot.
June: [laughs] Oh. Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.
Meemaw: We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Dale: Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.
June: Butter pecan?
Dale: What's your second-favorite? [off June's look] I'll put this away.

Quote from the episode Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

Quote from the episode Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting

Dale: Hey, Missy. Why don't you get out there and start warming up?
Missy: Okay.
Dale: And you must be Sheldon. Your grandmother told me all about you.
Sheldon: We're going to RadioShack.
Dale: Yeah, she didn't lie.