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41Quotes from ‘Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set’

Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set

122. Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set

Aired May 10, 2018

After Ira Rosenbloom asks Meemaw out, she tries dating two men at once. Sheldon intervenes to try preserve his grandmother's relationship with Dr. Sturgis, prompting Meemaw to set some ground rules.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In that moment, I had an epiphany. I could draw up a contract for any social relationship. It was a helpful way to remove ambiguity in a world that was often hard to understand. Article three Sheldon will not spy on Meemaw's house with binoculars.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: And is that really necessary?
Meemaw: The Italians call it "corretto". It means correcting the drink.
Mary: So, a drink without alcohol in it is wrong?
Meemaw: Yep. Italian people, they know what's up.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: What's your hurry?
Sheldon: I need to get back to my viewing post.
Mary: Fine, go ahead.
George Jr.: What's he expect to see, staring at Meemaw's house?
Missy: Did you just join this family? The kid's an oddball.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: He's just excited that Meemaw's dating a man he looks up to.
George Jr.: I wish she could date Tony Danza that'd be cool.
George Sr.: What is it with you and Tony Danza?
George Jr.: Well, the show doesn't come out and say it, but I'm pretty sure he's the boss.
Missy: I think the blonde lady's the boss.
George Jr.: Angela? Who's the oddball now?

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I know you've had a number of gentleman callers, but I've never heard you speak like this before.
Meemaw: "Gentleman callers"?
George Sr.: And we wonder where Sheldon gets it.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I would go on to draw up such contracts throughout my life. With roommates. With my wife. Even with my own children.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: I have only seen you eat vanilla ice cream for dessert. Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I've taken a page from the great physicist Richard Feynman. In order to have one less decision in his life, he decided that dessert would always be chocolate ice cream.
Meemaw: Sounds like it could get kind of boring.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it does. But over the last 35 years, I believe I've saved at least a day and a half.

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: How's Sheldon doing?
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon. You were talking to Sheldon.
Meemaw: Oh right, yes. Did you know he has a picture of that fella Feynman in his bedroom?
Dr. John Sturgis: What? So do I!
Meemaw: Peas in a pod.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Yes?
Sheldon: How's it going?
Meemaw: It's Sheldon again.
Sheldon: What do you mean "again"?
Meemaw: Speak.
Sheldon: I recently read an article about a superconducting supercollider that might be built in Texas.
Meemaw: What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I thought if there was a lull in your dinner conversation, you might casually drop it as an icebreaker.
Meemaw: Our dinner conversation is going just fine.
Sheldon: Well, now you have it in your back pocket. Carry on.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Question will we be engaging in coitus tonight? Because I believe I pulled a hamstring on the bike ride over.
Meemaw: Why didn't you say something?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I was trying to display machismo, but it's becoming more and more clear that there's something askew in my groin.
Meemaw: Oh, John we don't have to do anything. We can just be together.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks. But if it's all the same to you, I'd like to give it the old college try.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: So, you're really gonna go out with this furniture store fella while seeing Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: It's called playing the field. And if you'd done some of that, you wouldn't be saddled with Bluto in there.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: So, you're really gonna date two men simultaneously?
Meemaw: Two that you know of.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Come on, don't be such a prude. I'm not gonna have any babies. I don't need these men to take care of me. Why shouldn't I just enjoy myself?
Mary: Well, it isn't very Christian of you.
Meemaw: I got no argument there. Salute! Yeah, that fixed it.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Mary: Hey, who are you calling?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Why?
Sheldon: I saw Meemaw get in a car with Mr. Rosenbloom.
Mary: No.... [dives across the room towards Sheldon]
Adult Sheldon: I don't know if it really happened this way, but to my nine-year-old mind, my mother was flying.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: So, how's the brisket?
Meemaw: It's good. It ain't my brisket, but it's good.
Ira Rosenbloom: I should take you to New York so you could taste some authentic Jewish brisket.
Meemaw: How's it different?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, it's pretty much the same except it's-it's a lot juicier and you can feel the fat go directly to your heart.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: But I still don't understand.
Meemaw: Your grandmother's a single lady. She's not committed to any one fella, and she wants to see what her options are.
Sheldon: But Dr. Sturgis is the best option.
Mary: Well, you might feel that way, but she's not so sure.
Sheldon: Then we need to tell her. I'll make the call.
Mary: No. We need to mind our business and maybe pray for her to make the right decision.
Sheldon: We're gonna leave this up to God?
Mary: You think you could do a better job than God?
Sheldon: Maybe not with creating the universe, but I bet I could free the Hebrews with one good plague.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: [sobbing] I'm sorry. I thought I could handle this.
Meemaw: It's okay.
Ira Rosenbloom: You know, you get older, and you think your skin is thicker-
Meemaw: It's okay.
Ira Rosenbloom: -and your heart is tougher. But it's not, it's the other way around!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I don't want to celebrate too soon, but Meemaw and Mr. Rosenbloom are back, and he was crying. [gives thumbs up] There'll be more updates as they happen.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm done. Can I please be excused?
Mary: Good Lord, did you even chew it?
Sheldon: Not the recommended amount, no.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: I'm warning you, once you try my barbecue, it will ruin you to all the others.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what happened to me with quilted toilet paper. Once I tried the good stuff, everything else felt like a Brillo pad.
Meemaw: You paint quite the picture, don't you?

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: Oh, man. You won't believe what's happening at Meemaw's house.
George Sr.: Is it more interesting than Who's the Boss?
George Jr.: Doubt it.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: Okay. I guess you could say one of my former boyfriends is trying to win me back with furniture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Impressive. This is real oak. Was that him on the phone?
Meemaw: Yes. I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Being challenged by another man is making you more attractive to me.
Meemaw: I don't follow.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'll have to do some research, but I'm guessing this is a genetic instinct that's raising my libido.
Meemaw: I need a drink.

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: Can you believe he tried to win me back with a dinette set?
George Sr.: I'd give you a dinette set if you'd leave Texas.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. I'm looking for Ira.
Ira Rosenbloom: At your service. What can I do for you?
Dr. John Sturgis: You, sir, have overstepped your bounds.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Miss Constance Tucker made it clear your courtship was no longer welcome, and you responded with six chairs, a table, and an expansion leaf.
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Sturgis, the man she chose and your romantic rival.
Ira Rosenbloom: I-I'm sorry, wait, what-what is it you want from me?
Dr. John Sturgis: I want you to give up your pursuit of Connie.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my store.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very well. The line in the sand has been drawn. Cross it at your own peril.
Ira Rosenbloom: Weirdo.
Dr. John Sturgis: What was that?
Ira Rosenbloom: You heard me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sir, I am a man with feelings. And you have hurt them.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I'm sorry y'all find this funny, but this is the first time my mother's expressed real interest in a man since Dad died. Forgive me for wanting to know more.
Meemaw: You really want to know more? Imagine you're getting on in years, you and your husband about to retire, get a little timeshare in Sarasota, and suddenly he's gone, and you're all alone. You mourn, you cry, but eventually you move on. You start dating a little, and it's all good fun. But always in the back of your mind, there's that question "Will I be alone in the end?"
George Sr.: [sniffling, rubbing a tear from his eye] Why y'all looking at me for?

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Your feelings are understandable. Connie is a remarkable woman.
Ira Rosenbloom: Yes, she is. But, again, I'm sorry. I should never have called you weird. I mean, eh, it was rude.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been called much worse. A professor once called me ostrobogulous. I had to look that one up.
Ira Rosenbloom: What's it mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: That I'm a weirdo.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: John, you're a great guy.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you, too!
Ira Rosenbloom: But I hope you understand, I just I can't give up on Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's all right. To tell you the truth, I'm finding the competition quite exhilarating.
Ira Rosenbloom: You are?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. The night the dinette set arrived, I did my first push-up in 40 years.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, but I find that to be, uh- What's the word, Astro-boobulous?
Dr. John Sturgis: Ostrobogulous.
Ira Rosenbloom: Ostrobogulous.
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Are you two fighting?
Meemaw: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good. I was almost certain that we were.
Meemaw: We are.
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: Me, too.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: All right, now, listen, if this relationship's gonna have any chance at all, we have to lay down some ground rules.
Sheldon: Great. I love rules.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do, too.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Sheldon, I'm a notary, if that helps.
Sheldon: Just when I thought you couldn't get cooler.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: Well, you have to let me cook for you sometime.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I enjoy cooking for you. It's a means of expressing my affection. It also allows me to control the amount of garlic, which gives me the burps.
Meemaw: Well, I do make a mean barbecue, and I promise I can make it garlic-free.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Next time, you can express your affection for me.

Quote from Meemaw

Ira Rosenbloom: So, uh what do you think of that idea?
Meemaw: What idea?
Ira Rosenbloom: Going to New York. Maybe we'll catch a couple of Broadway shows, uh, see some sights.
Meemaw: Oh, Ira, gee I don't know. Seems like a big step.
Ira Rosenbloom: Is it? I think at this time of our lives, we should travel, see the world.
Meemaw: I guess.
Ira Rosenbloom: I mean, we're not getting any younger.
Meemaw: What's that supposed to mean?
Ira Rosenbloom: I mean, I mean, I'm not getting any younger. You, on the other hand, you are a blossoming tulip.
Meemaw: Better.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: You can get lox, bagels, all the trimmings at 3:30 in the morning.
Meemaw: Why would I want that?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, you wouldn't. I mean, it's too heavy. But you could if you wanted. So, what do you think?

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Meemaw: I thought I could do it, uh you know, date both of you, but I-I can't, I can't, I just I'm not cut out for it.
Ira Rosenbloom: Okay, suggestion. And maybe you've already thought of this but what do you say you break up with him and only see me?

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: Rosenbloom's Fine Furniture. Ira speaking.
Meemaw: Why are you sending me furniture?
Ira Rosenbloom: I've decided I can't go away quietly. I'm fighting for your love.
Meemaw: With a dinette set?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, this isn't just any dinette set. It's our biggest seller. And it's not pressed wood It's oak!
Meemaw: Ira, I don't like this.
Ira Rosenbloom: Would you prefer a leather sectional?

Quote from Meemaw

Dr. John Sturgis: Uh, what's going on?
Meemaw: Uh, can I call you back?
Ira Rosenbloom: I look forward to it.
Meemaw: You shouldn't.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Would you ever take Ira back?
Meemaw: I don't know. He's sweet as he can be, but there's just something about John. He's like a cute little teddy bear, you know? A brilliant, bicycle-riding teddy bear. I don't even understand half of what he says. But when he's not around, I just miss him.
George Sr.: Sounds like you're falling in love.
Meemaw: Maybe I am.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Excellent. I love him, too.
Meemaw: Get out of here!
Sheldon: If you don't understand what Dr. Sturgis says, I'm happy to explain it to you.
Meemaw: Get...!

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: Haven't slept in days. It's like I'm a lovesick teenager, except I remember the Truman administration.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Now, give me your best price on one of these with a cup holder.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: And how I handle Ira is my business!
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope you do it gently. He's very vulnerable these days.
Meemaw: You're friends now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I wouldn't say friends, but I could see, over time, you know, we might-

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I don't want you talking to him about anything having to do with anything about us.
Same with you. And I want you to stop spying on me with those binoculars like you're on some kind of African safari. And you cannot talk to Ira or any of my ex-boyfriends, for that matter.
Dr. John Sturgis: This list is getting long. Maybe we should write it down.

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