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46Quotes from ‘Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers’

Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

111. Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

Aired January 11, 2018

When Mary finds Sheldon playing Dungeons and Dragons with his friends Tam and Billy, she is worried by the game's demonic mythology. In a bid to save her son from the devil, Mary sends Sheldon to Sunday school and sparks an interest in religion.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Anyway, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it is demons, so it's in your purview.
Pastor Jeff: It is indeed. In fact, at a recent Young Baptist Leaders Conference, I attended a seminar on satanic leisure activities.
Mary: And?
Pastor Jeff: And the important lesson is, rather than have a parent or authority figure take the offending game away, let God remove it, root and stem.
Meemaw: Question, PJ. Uh, how's the big guy do that?
Pastor Jeff: Simple, Sheldon needs to start attending Sunday school. If he likes books with demons and devils, I've got one that will blow his mind.
George Sr.: What book is that?
Mary: The Bible, George.
George Sr.: Sure, yeah.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My mother didn't believe in elves, fairies, or dragons. But she did believe in the devil. And she did not view him as an appropriate playmate for her son.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I'm worried. There are incantations in this book to summon actual demons.
George Sr.: Is that how we wound up with you?
Meemaw: That's a good one. I'm gonna give you that.
Mary: This is not a joke. This is one of the children's games we were warned about in church.
Meemaw: Then tell him to stop playing.
Mary: It's not that easy. He's finally got a couple of friends. I don't want to scare them off.
George Sr.: Well, when you're ready to scare kids, you got this face locked and loaded.
Meemaw: All right, the other one was funny, now you're just being a jackass.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm done.
Mary: You finished it?
Sheldon: All of it. Ask me which birds are kosher.
George Sr.: I'll bite. Which birds are kosher?
Sheldon: Chickens, yes. Quail, yes. Owls, surprisingly no.
George Sr.: Well, there ain't a lot of meat on them anyway.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: So, Sheldon, you hungry? You want a nosh?
Sheldon: I don't know, I've never eaten a nosh.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckling) Uh, no, a nosh isn't a thing, it's a never mind. Um, would you care for some hard candy?
Sheldon: Are they kosher?
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you, my mother?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: What about Jesus? He was Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, we've got a lot of celebrities. Uh, we've got, uh, we got William Shatner, and Leonard Nimoy.
Sheldon: Kirk and Spock? I want to be Jewish.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Tam: You walk down a hallway and come to a wooden chest. Lord Gray Matter, what do you do?
Sheldon: I poke it with my dagger to see if there are any traps.
Tam: There are no traps. Fire Beak, what do you do? Billy?
Billy Sparks: What?
Tam: You are Fire Beak.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Tam: So what do you do?
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I'm glad you're both amused, but our little boy's soul may be at stake.
George Sr.: Come on. When I was a kid, we were listening to Black Sabbath, all that devil music. Didn't hurt me. Satan didn't get my soul.
Meemaw: What happened to it? You trade it for some donuts? You had that one coming.

Quote from Trang Nguyen

Mary: Listen, are you aware that Tam and Sheldon are playing Dungeons & Dragons?
Le Nguyen: Dungeons & Dragons?
Mary: Yes, and it's filled with demons and satanic images.
Le Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] Please talk to the white woman. I'm very busy.
Trang Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] But I've got customers.
Le Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] Please, I ask you for so little.
Trang Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] And you give me so little.

Quote from Le Nguyen

Le Nguyen: So what is the problem with this game?
Mary: The problem is, it goes against the teachings of the church.
Le Nguyen: All right. Listen to me. A problem is starving to death in a Communist reeducation camp. A problem is not seeing your family for many years while you remove land mines from the Ho Chi Minh trail. A game boys play with make-believe demons, not a problem.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: So nice of you to come over, Pastor Jeff.
George Sr.: He prefers Jeff.
Meemaw: I'm sticking with Pastor. Wait, I changed my mind. I'm going with PJ.
Pastor Jeff: Brings to mind pajamas, but that's fine, too.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I think that's a wonderful idea. Although, I am concerned that we may get a little pushback from Sheldon.
Meemaw: A little?

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: No, I won't go. I don't believe in God.
Mary: Well, now, what you believe in is not the point.
Pastor Jeff: Mary, if I may Sheldon, I understand you hope to be a scientist someday.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Pastor Jeff: Well, let me ask you a question. You say you don't believe in God, but what kind of scientist comes to a conclusion without first doing the research?
Sheldon: A bad scientist.
Pastor Jeff: That's right. So I'll see you Sunday morning at 8:00.
Sheldon: No, you won't. I cast a second level spell of invisibility on myself.
Meemaw: Well, that game isn't making him any smarter.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: What other religions you considering?
Sheldon: Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, all of them.
Mary: Nope. Nope. That's not happening.
Sheldon: Well, why? As an American, don't I have freedom of religion?
Mary: Um-
Meemaw: Those dungeons and dragons are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?

Quote from Tam

Sheldon: Tam, you're Catholic, right?
Tam: Yes.
Sheldon: Explain it to me.
Tam: Explain what?
Sheldon: Well, for starters, who do you pray to?
Tam: I guess, Jesus, God and Mary.
Sheldon: Jesus isn't God?
Tam: No, he's his son. But you do eat him, and drink his blood. Oh, there's also a ghost, but not the scary kind.
Sheldon: Like Casper?
Tam: Exactly.
Sheldon: And how does the pope work?
Tam: Well, the pope lives in Italy. He has a special car, and a big pointy hat. It's a wonderful hat.
Sheldon: And is there anything else I should know about?
Tam: Every once in a while, you have to confess your sins to a priest.
Sheldon: Not me, I don't have any sins.
Tam: Then you have the sin of pride.
Sheldon: Your religion is making me feel bad.
Tam: That's how you know it's working.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You're gonna love Ira. He's a great guy.
Sheldon: Is he your boyfriend?
Meemaw: Well, he's one of them, so let's not bring that up.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: All right, so what can I do for you?
Sheldon: What's it like to be Jewish?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, it's terrible. I don't recommend it.
Sheldon: Why?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, for starters, your life is hemmed in by ancient, pointless rules. There's a lot of yelling, and, uh, you're probably not gonna get into a good country club.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Ira Rosenbloom: Hold on a second. Hold I got a question for you, Sheldon. When you grow up, are you planning on living in Texas?
Sheldon: Probably.
Ira Rosenbloom: Then I strongly advise you to stay Baptist. Maybe even wear a cross.

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Sheldon: Why did you move to Texas?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, that's simple. Medford had no Jews, so there was an opening for one.
Sheldon: And you got it? Good for you.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckles) I love this kid.
Meemaw: Me, too.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Shelly, I understand you enjoy researching things.
Sheldon: Love it.
Mary: But it's important to keep in mind that there is only one true God.
Sheldon: That's called monotheism. I have a book about it if you're interested.
Mary: That's okay, I have the book about it.
Sheldon: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I want to understand God. Can you help me?
One: Did you not hear what we just said?
Zero: It's a binary universe.
One: God is yes and no.
Zero: Left and right.
One: On and off.
Zero: Something and nothing.
One: Positive and negative.
Zero: Male and female.
One: Light and dark.
Sheldon: But why is there evil and suffering?
Zero: Well, without evil and suffering, there is no good and happiness.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. Binary.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I never heard from One and Zero again. Although, I was once visited by Nine when I had chickenpox. He was a lot less funny than he thought he was.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Pastor Jeff: Okay, "What God means to me." Who'd like to go first? Billy.
Billy Sparks: I'd like to go third.
Pastor Jeff: All righty.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'll go.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. Come on up here, Sheldon. Let's hear what you got.
Sheldon: I've spent the last week studying what people believe, and I've come to a conclusion.
Pastor Jeff: And what's that?
Sheldon: I'm starting my own religion.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: I'm calling it Mathology. It's based on a universal binary system.
Pastor Jeff: That's terrific, Sheldon, but this is a Baptist Sunday school.
Sheldon: I know, I'm here to convert everybody. Any takers?
Pastor Jeff: Okay. Let's go have a talk with your mom.
Sheldon: The only sin in Mathology is being stupid.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Hey, guys, I brought snacks.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: What are y'all playing, Chutes and Ladders?
Sheldon: Tam is teaching us Dungeons & Dragons.
Mary: Oh.
Sheldon: We're on a quest to find the pitchfork of a devil named Baalzebul.
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.
Mary: And is this the devil?
Tam: No, he's just a monster who doesn't wear pants.
Mary: Oh, I see. Yes, oh, he's just hanging right out there, isn't he? Okay, well You kids have fun.

Quote from Le Nguyen

Mary: Excuse me, Mr. Nguyen?
Le Nguyen: Yes?
Mary: Hi, you don't know me. I'm Sheldon's mother.
Le Nguyen: Ah, the smart boy.
Mary: Yes, the smart boy.
Le Nguyen: You are lucky. To have a smart son is a great joy. I do not have that joy.
Mary: Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

Quote from Le Nguyen

Mary: Well I think they can all be problems.
Trang Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] Just agree with her and she'll go away!
Le Nguyen: I'm sorry, I agree with you. I will talk to Tam.
Mary: Oh, good. Thank you. Well, bye. Nice meeting you.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: So, Pastor How's things going at the church?
Pastor Jeff: Please, call me Jeff. And everything's going great 'cause I have the coolest boss.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, but I'm kind of having a hard time feeling the Holy Spirit calling you Jeff. I'm-I'm gonna stick with Pastor.
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Meemaw: Thank you, Pastor. Yeah, that feels better.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Shelly, why aren't you asleep?
Sheldon: I'm studying for Sunday school.
Mary: You're reading the Bible? That's wonderful.
Sheldon: I do have a question.
Mary: Sure, what?
Sheldon: Is there anyone in our town from the Amalek tribe?
Mary: I don't know, why?
Sheldon: If there is, we're supposed to kill them and their cows.
Mary: Well, no. There's no Amaleks.
Missy: Told you.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Pastor Jeff: Now before we get started this morning, I want to introduce two new students, Sheldon and Missy Cooper. Let's give them a warm welcome. (APPLAUSE) Yes, Billy?
Billy Sparks: I know them.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you, Billy.
Billy Sparks: You're welcome, Pastor Jeff.

Quote from Missy

Pastor Jeff: Now, uh, last week, we started talking about the Gospel of John. Does anybody have a notion as to what God's getting at in that passage? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Chapter one, verse one states, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God." Well done.
Sheldon: Thank you. I read the gospels last night.
Missy: Suck up.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Sheldon: Did you know when the Bible says "the Word", they're translating the Greek expression "logos", and logos means knowledge.
Pastor Jeff: Sounds like someone has a noggin full of "logos".

Quote from Billy Sparks

Pastor Jeff: Yes, Billy?
Billy Sparks: They live on my block.
Pastor Jeff: Terrific.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: I can't believe he's reading the Bible.
Mary: I know. I'm actually grateful to that Dungeons & Dragons game. It helped lead him to God.
Meemaw: Ixnay on the Odsgay.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Shelly, I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary: What's this, now?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.

Quote from Ms. Hutchins

Sheldon: Ms. Hutchins, what's your religion?
Ms. Hutchins: I'm a Mormon, why?
Sheldon: I'm conducting a research project. Can you tell me about being a Mormon?
Ms. Hutchins: Well, it started in New York, when a man found gold plates buried underground. The plates said that, when we die, we get to go to our own planet. Unless you're a woman, then you have to go to your husband's planet. But that won't be a problem for me. I don't have a husband. All I have is a cat. A big, mean cat. Oh, maybe I'll get to go to his planet. Lonely Cheryl on Planet Cat.
Sheldon: I like her. She's funny.

Quote from Sheldon

Ira Rosenbloom: Hey.
Meemaw: Is this a good time?
Ira Rosenbloom: Absolutely. Come in, come in.
Meemaw: Ira, this is my grandson Sheldon. Sheldon, this is my friend Ira.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ira Rosenbloom: Howdy.
Sheldon: So Meemaw tells me you're Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Right to it, huh?

Quote from Ira Rosenbloom

Sheldon: What about God?
Ira Rosenbloom: What about him?
Sheldon: Does he play a part in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, historically, he's gotten a kick out of punishing us.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.

Quote from Zero

One: Welcome, Sheldon.
Zero: We've been waiting for you.
Sheldon: Are you the Ten Commandments?
One: No. We are one.
Zero: And zero.
One: We are the binary code that underlies the universe.
Zero: The ten thing is a common mistake.

Quote from Sheldon

Zero: Shall we give him the final piece of information that unlocks the secret of the universe?
One: Why not? At least one human being should know the reason for everything.
Zero: Sheldon, before the universe began-
George Jr.: Hey, dummy. You're drooling all over your books.
Sheldon: Huh? No. Zero was about to tell me the secret and you ruined it.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Who's feeling brave? Missy.
Missy: I'll go second.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Does anybody want to go first?

Quote from Billy Sparks

Sheldon: Welcome to the Church of Mathology. Today, I'd like to talk about prime numbers, and why they bring us joy.
Billy Sparks: Hallelujah!

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: I'm just thankful Billy found some friends and he ain't eating dirt and crabgrass any more. Some point, he just got a taste for it.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: On an unrelated note, uh, you doing something new with your hair? It looks, uh, real pretty.
Mary: No, but thank you. Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to it.
Herschel Sparks: Smells good, too.
Mary: All right. Bye-bye.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, you want chicken for dinner? I'll slaughter a big one for you right now.
Mary: I'm good.
Herschel Sparks: I'll kill one in case you change your mind. Now which one of you's tired of this life? You.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Mary: Um, I was just concerned about a game that the boys were playing and was wondering if you and your wife knew about it.
Herschel Sparks: A game?
Mary: Yes, a very disturbing one.
Herschel Sparks: Well, what're we talking about? Did you catch those boys playing grab ass?
Mary: No. Dungeons & Dragons.
Herschel Sparks: So everybody's got their trousers up?
Mary: Yes.
Herschel Sparks: What's the problem?
Mary: The game contains demonology, which goes against the teachings of the church.
Herschel Sparks: But nobody's touching nothing, right?
Mary: No.
Herschel Sparks: Well, then I don't quite know what you're worried about.

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