Adult Sheldon: My mother didn't believe in elves, fairies, or dragons. But she did believe in the devil. And she did not view him as an appropriate playmate for her son.

Ira Rosenbloom: So, Sheldon, you hungry? You want a nosh?
Sheldon: I don't know, I've never eaten a nosh.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckling) Uh, no, a nosh isn't a thing, it's a never mind. Um, would you care for some hard candy?
Sheldon: Are they kosher?
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you, my mother?

Mary: Anyway, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it is demons, so it's in your purview.
Pastor Jeff: It is indeed. In fact, at a recent Young Baptist Leaders Conference, I attended a seminar on satanic leisure activities.
Mary: And?
Pastor Jeff: And the important lesson is, rather than have a parent or authority figure take the offending game away, let God remove it, root and stem.
Meemaw: Question, PJ. Uh, how's the big guy do that?
Pastor Jeff: Simple, Sheldon needs to start attending Sunday school. If he likes books with demons and devils, I've got one that will blow his mind.
George Sr.: What book is that?
Mary: The Bible, George.
George Sr.: Sure, yeah.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, "What God means to me." Who'd like to go first? Billy.
Billy Sparks: I'd like to go third.
Pastor Jeff: All righty.

Sheldon: I want to understand God. Can you help me?
One: Did you not hear what we just said?
Zero: It's a binary universe.
One: God is yes and no.
Zero: Left and right.
One: On and off.
Zero: Something and nothing.
One: Positive and negative.
Zero: Male and female.
One: Light and dark.
Sheldon: But why is there evil and suffering?
Zero: Well, without evil and suffering, there is no good and happiness.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. Binary.

Tam: You walk down a hallway and come to a wooden chest. Lord Gray Matter, what do you do?
Sheldon: I poke it with my dagger to see if there are any traps.
Tam: There are no traps. Fire Beak, what do you do? Billy?
Billy Sparks: What?
Tam: You are Fire Beak.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Tam: So what do you do?
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.

Pastor Jeff: Yes, Billy?
Billy Sparks: They live on my block.
Pastor Jeff: Terrific.

Sheldon: I'm done.
Mary: You finished it?
Sheldon: All of it. Ask me which birds are kosher.
George Sr.: I'll bite. Which birds are kosher?
Sheldon: Chickens, yes. Quail, yes. Owls, surprisingly no.
George Sr.: Well, there ain't a lot of meat on them anyway.

Sheldon: Tam, you're Catholic, right?
Tam: Yes.
Sheldon: Explain it to me.
Tam: Explain what?
Sheldon: Well, for starters, who do you pray to?
Tam: I guess, Jesus, God and Mary.
Sheldon: Jesus isn't God?
Tam: No, he's his son. But you do eat him, and drink his blood. Oh, there's also a ghost, but not the scary kind.
Sheldon: Like Casper?
Tam: Exactly.
Sheldon: And how does the pope work?
Tam: Well, the pope lives in Italy. He has a special car, and a big pointy hat. It's a wonderful hat.
Sheldon: And is there anything else I should know about?
Tam: Every once in a while, you have to confess your sins to a priest.
Sheldon: Not me, I don't have any sins.
Tam: Then you have the sin of pride.
Sheldon: Your religion is making me feel bad.
Tam: That's how you know it's working.

Meemaw: You're gonna love Ira. He's a great guy.
Sheldon: Is he your boyfriend?
Meemaw: Well, he's one of them, so let's not bring that up.

Mary: Listen, are you aware that Tam and Sheldon are playing Dungeons & Dragons?
Le Nguyen: Dungeons & Dragons?
Mary: Yes, and it's filled with demons and satanic images.
Le Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] Please talk to the white woman. I'm very busy.
Trang Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] But I've got customers.
Le Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] Please, I ask you for so little.
Trang Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] And you give me so little.

Sheldon: What about Jesus? He was Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, we've got a lot of celebrities. Uh, we've got, uh, we got William Shatner, and Leonard Nimoy.
Sheldon: Kirk and Spock? I want to be Jewish.

Mary: I'm worried. There are incantations in this book to summon actual demons.
George Sr.: Is that how we wound up with you?
Meemaw: That's a good one. I'm gonna give you that.
Mary: This is not a joke. This is one of the children's games we were warned about in church.
Meemaw: Then tell him to stop playing.
Mary: It's not that easy. He's finally got a couple of friends. I don't want to scare them off.
George Sr.: Well, when you're ready to scare kids, you got this face locked and loaded.
Meemaw: All right, the other one was funny, now you're just being a jackass.

Zero: Shall we give him the final piece of information that unlocks the secret of the universe?
One: Why not? At least one human being should know the reason for everything.
Zero: Sheldon, before the universe began-
George Jr.: Hey, dummy. You're drooling all over your books.
Sheldon: Huh? No. Zero was about to tell me the secret and you ruined it.

George Sr.: What other religions you considering?
Sheldon: Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, all of them.
Mary: Nope. Nope. That's not happening.
Sheldon: Well, why? As an American, don't I have freedom of religion?
Mary: Um-
Meemaw: Those dungeons and dragons are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?

Pastor Jeff: Who's feeling brave? Missy.
Missy: I'll go second.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Does anybody want to go first?

Sheldon: Did you know when the Bible says "the Word", they're translating the Greek expression "logos", and logos means knowledge.
Pastor Jeff: Sounds like someone has a noggin full of "logos".

Mary: So nice of you to come over, Pastor Jeff.
George Sr.: He prefers Jeff.
Meemaw: I'm sticking with Pastor. Wait, I changed my mind. I'm going with PJ.
Pastor Jeff: Brings to mind pajamas, but that's fine, too.

Sheldon: Welcome to the Church of Mathology. Today, I'd like to talk about prime numbers, and why they bring us joy.
Billy Sparks: Hallelujah!

Le Nguyen: So what is the problem with this game?
Mary: The problem is, it goes against the teachings of the church.
Le Nguyen: All right. Listen to me. A problem is starving to death in a Communist reeducation camp. A problem is not seeing your family for many years while you remove land mines from the Ho Chi Minh trail. A game boys play with make-believe demons, not a problem.

Sheldon: I'll go.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. Come on up here, Sheldon. Let's hear what you got.
Sheldon: I've spent the last week studying what people believe, and I've come to a conclusion.
Pastor Jeff: And what's that?
Sheldon: I'm starting my own religion.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: I'm calling it Mathology. It's based on a universal binary system.
Pastor Jeff: That's terrific, Sheldon, but this is a Baptist Sunday school.
Sheldon: I know, I'm here to convert everybody. Any takers?
Pastor Jeff: Okay. Let's go have a talk with your mom.
Sheldon: The only sin in Mathology is being stupid.

Sheldon: No, I won't go. I don't believe in God.
Mary: Well, now, what you believe in is not the point.
Pastor Jeff: Mary, if I may Sheldon, I understand you hope to be a scientist someday.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Pastor Jeff: Well, let me ask you a question. You say you don't believe in God, but what kind of scientist comes to a conclusion without first doing the research?
Sheldon: A bad scientist.
Pastor Jeff: That's right. So I'll see you Sunday morning at 8:00.
Sheldon: No, you won't. I cast a second level spell of invisibility on myself.
Meemaw: Well, that game isn't making him any smarter.

Adult Sheldon: I never heard from One and Zero again. Although, I was once visited by Nine when I had chickenpox. He was a lot less funny than he thought he was.

Mary: I think that's a wonderful idea. Although, I am concerned that we may get a little pushback from Sheldon.
Meemaw: A little?

Ira Rosenbloom: All right, so what can I do for you?
Sheldon: What's it like to be Jewish?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, it's terrible. I don't recommend it.
Sheldon: Why?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, for starters, your life is hemmed in by ancient, pointless rules. There's a lot of yelling, and, uh, you're probably not gonna get into a good country club.

Mary: I'm glad you're both amused, but our little boy's soul may be at stake.
George Sr.: Come on. When I was a kid, we were listening to Black Sabbath, all that devil music. Didn't hurt me. Satan didn't get my soul.
Meemaw: What happened to it? You trade it for some donuts? You had that one coming.

Ira Rosenbloom: Hold on a second. Hold I got a question for you, Sheldon. When you grow up, are you planning on living in Texas?
Sheldon: Probably.
Ira Rosenbloom: Then I strongly advise you to stay Baptist. Maybe even wear a cross.

Sheldon: Why did you move to Texas?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, that's simple. Medford had no Jews, so there was an opening for one.
Sheldon: And you got it? Good for you.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckles) I love this kid.
Meemaw: Me, too.

Pastor Jeff: Now before we get started this morning, I want to introduce two new students, Sheldon and Missy Cooper. Let's give them a warm welcome. (APPLAUSE) Yes, Billy?
Billy Sparks: I know them.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you, Billy.
Billy Sparks: You're welcome, Pastor Jeff.

Mary: Shelly, I understand you enjoy researching things.
Sheldon: Love it.
Mary: But it's important to keep in mind that there is only one true God.
Sheldon: That's called monotheism. I have a book about it if you're interested.
Mary: That's okay, I have the book about it.
Sheldon: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.

Mary: Hey, guys, I brought snacks.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: What are y'all playing, Chutes and Ladders?
Sheldon: Tam is teaching us Dungeons & Dragons.
Mary: Oh.
Sheldon: We're on a quest to find the pitchfork of a devil named Baalzebul.
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.
Mary: And is this the devil?
Tam: No, he's just a monster who doesn't wear pants.
Mary: Oh, I see. Yes, oh, he's just hanging right out there, isn't he? Okay, well You kids have fun.

Herschel Sparks: I'm just thankful Billy found some friends and he ain't eating dirt and crabgrass any more. Some point, he just got a taste for it.

Herschel Sparks: On an unrelated note, uh, you doing something new with your hair? It looks, uh, real pretty.
Mary: No, but thank you. Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to it.
Herschel Sparks: Smells good, too.
Mary: All right. Bye-bye.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, you want chicken for dinner? I'll slaughter a big one for you right now.
Mary: I'm good.
Herschel Sparks: I'll kill one in case you change your mind. Now which one of you's tired of this life? You.

Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.

Sheldon: What about God?
Ira Rosenbloom: What about him?
Sheldon: Does he play a part in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, historically, he's gotten a kick out of punishing us.

Ira Rosenbloom: Hey.
Meemaw: Is this a good time?
Ira Rosenbloom: Absolutely. Come in, come in.
Meemaw: Ira, this is my grandson Sheldon. Sheldon, this is my friend Ira.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ira Rosenbloom: Howdy.
Sheldon: So Meemaw tells me you're Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Right to it, huh?

Mary: Shelly, I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary: What's this, now?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.

George Sr.: I can't believe he's reading the Bible.
Mary: I know. I'm actually grateful to that Dungeons & Dragons game. It helped lead him to God.
Meemaw: Ixnay on the Odsgay.

Pastor Jeff: Now, uh, last week, we started talking about the Gospel of John. Does anybody have a notion as to what God's getting at in that passage? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Chapter one, verse one states, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God." Well done.
Sheldon: Thank you. I read the gospels last night.
Missy: Suck up.

Mary: Shelly, why aren't you asleep?
Sheldon: I'm studying for Sunday school.
Mary: You're reading the Bible? That's wonderful.
Sheldon: I do have a question.
Mary: Sure, what?
Sheldon: Is there anyone in our town from the Amalek tribe?
Mary: I don't know, why?
Sheldon: If there is, we're supposed to kill them and their cows.
Mary: Well, no. There's no Amaleks.
Missy: Told you.

George Sr.: So, Pastor How's things going at the church?
Pastor Jeff: Please, call me Jeff. And everything's going great 'cause I have the coolest boss.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, but I'm kind of having a hard time feeling the Holy Spirit calling you Jeff. I'm-I'm gonna stick with Pastor.
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Meemaw: Thank you, Pastor. Yeah, that feels better.

Mary: Well I think they can all be problems.
Trang Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] Just agree with her and she'll go away!
Le Nguyen: I'm sorry, I agree with you. I will talk to Tam.
Mary: Oh, good. Thank you. Well, bye. Nice meeting you.

Mary: Excuse me, Mr. Nguyen?
Le Nguyen: Yes?
Mary: Hi, you don't know me. I'm Sheldon's mother.
Le Nguyen: Ah, the smart boy.
Mary: Yes, the smart boy.
Le Nguyen: You are lucky. To have a smart son is a great joy. I do not have that joy.
Mary: Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

One: Welcome, Sheldon.
Zero: We've been waiting for you.
Sheldon: Are you the Ten Commandments?
One: No. We are one.
Zero: And zero.
One: We are the binary code that underlies the universe.
Zero: The ten thing is a common mistake.

Sheldon: Ms. Hutchins, what's your religion?
Ms. Hutchins: I'm a Mormon, why?
Sheldon: I'm conducting a research project. Can you tell me about being a Mormon?
Ms. Hutchins: Well, it started in New York, when a man found gold plates buried underground. The plates said that, when we die, we get to go to our own planet. Unless you're a woman, then you have to go to your husband's planet. But that won't be a problem for me. I don't have a husband. All I have is a cat. A big, mean cat. Oh, maybe I'll get to go to his planet. Lonely Cheryl on Planet Cat.
Sheldon: I like her. She's funny.

Mary: Um, I was just concerned about a game that the boys were playing and was wondering if you and your wife knew about it.
Herschel Sparks: A game?
Mary: Yes, a very disturbing one.
Herschel Sparks: Well, what're we talking about? Did you catch those boys playing grab ass?
Mary: No. Dungeons & Dragons.
Herschel Sparks: So everybody's got their trousers up?
Mary: Yes.
Herschel Sparks: What's the problem?
Mary: The game contains demonology, which goes against the teachings of the church.
Herschel Sparks: But nobody's touching nothing, right?
Mary: No.
Herschel Sparks: Well, then I don't quite know what you're worried about.