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35Quotes from ‘Cowboy Aerobics and 473 Grease-Free Bolts’

  • Cowboy Aerobics and 473 Grease-Free Bolts

    410. Cowboy Aerobics and 473 Grease-Free Bolts

    Aired March 4, 2021

    Sheldon hectors Dr. Linkletter (Ed Begley, Jr.) into giving him a job in his lab. Meanwhile, Georgie seeks the help of Mr. Lundy (Jason Alexander) to film an exercise video.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Behind every great scientist, there were often unsung helpers toiling away in the background. Presenting... "Great Lab Assistants in Scientific History" When Alexander Graham Bell needed an assistant, it was Thomas Augustus Watson who answered the call. [laughs] Get it? "The call". [snickers] Madame Curie's daughter Irène was also her lab assistant. Irène was so dedicated, she died of radiation poisoning. Unlike her sister Ève, who selfishly lived to 102. Lastly, Émile Roux was assistant to Louis Pasteur. When they worked on the rabies vaccine, Roux kept a loaded gun in the lab to shoot Pasteur in the head if he got infected. He never had to, but it's fun to know he would have.
Dr. Linkletter: No, Sheldon. You can't be my lab assistant.
Sheldon: Maybe you weren't paying attention. I'll start over. Behind every great scientist, there was a dedicated as...

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What is this?
Meemaw: That's the exercise guy Meemaw likes.
George Jr.: I can't believe anyone pays money to watch old people sweat.
Missy: 40 bucks?
George Jr.: They sold over a million of those? At 40 bucks a pop? Do you know how much money that must be?
Missy: I'm not a calculator.
[later:]
George Jr.: 40 times... one million. That's 40 million!
Missy: Whoa.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And then he said he wouldn't give me special treatment.
Meemaw: I think what he said is everybody should be treated equally.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, is this Russia? Should we get in line for bread?

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: While not the lab work I hoped to be doing, it did feel good to be part of an actual experiment. A tedious, menial part that could be performed by a monkey. Or worse, an engineer.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Can I be your lab assistant?
Dr. Linkletter: What time is it?
Sheldon: That's not a no.
Dr. Linkletter: If I say yes, will you please stop hounding me?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Dr. Linkletter: Fine. You win. Good night.
Sheldon: Just out of scientific curiosity, were you persuaded by the disorienting nature of this late-night phone call or by the cumulative weight of my relentlessness?
Dr. Linkletter: That one. [hangs up]
Adult Sheldon: I learned an important lesson that night. When you want something, relentlessly annoying is your road to victory.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: Son, lab assistants are usually upperclassmen.
Sheldon: I believe I've been at this university long enough to be considered.
Dr. Linkletter: You've been here two weeks.
Sheldon: Hey, 15 days if you count orientation.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, there's a waitlist of students who've applied for that position. I just can't give you special treatment.
Sheldon: Not with that attitude.
Dr. Linkletter: Tell you what, I'll think about it.
Sheldon: Should I come back or should I wait?
Dr. Linkletter: Come back.
Sheldon: I'll wait.
Dr. Linkletter: I thought about it. No.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The next day, Dr. Linkletter ran his experiment. I'm proud to say I never broke my word, and he eventually figured out the problem. [flames wooshing]
Dr. Linkletter: Fire! Fire! Fire! Was it too much oxygen in the reagents?
Sheldon: See? You didn't need my help after all.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Adult Sheldon: In an effort to find out the mistake in his experimental design, Dr. Linkletter performed his own experiment on me.
[title: "Reverse Psychology"]
Dr. Linkletter: You know, Sheldon, I don't even care if you tell me the error. In fact, I'd rather you keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: All right.
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yeah.
[title: "Bribery"]
Dr. Linkletter: I got you a little something for all your hard work. It's about a little boy who doesn't let being dead stop him from having fun.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Dr. Linkletter: [chuckles] Now that I've given you something, perhaps you want to reciprocate.
Sheldon: Sure. You can have this. I don't want it.
[title: "Disorentation", George Sr. is woken up by a phone call in the middle of the night]
George Sr.: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, may I speak with Sheldon?
George Sr.: It's the middle of the night. Who the hell is this?
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, wrong number. [dial tone]

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter? [Dr. Linkletter sighs] Sheldon Cooper. I'm calling to apologize. I shouldn't have quit. I made a commitment, and I need to see it through.
Dr. Linkletter: I appreciate that, but there's no need.
Sheldon: There is. It's important to me, as well as my father.
Dr. Linkletter: Fine.
Sheldon: Excellent. Don't worry, I won't overstep my bounds. I give you my word as a Texan.
Dr. Linkletter: Great.
Sheldon: And a man.
Dr. Linkletter: Very good.
Sheldon: Well, a future man. At present, my hormones and body hair aren't exactly what you'd call...
Dr. Linkletter: Good night. [hangs up]

Quote from George Jr.

Mr. Lundy: Well, you are passing a-a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
George Jr.: And how much lifetime do you have left?
Mr. Lundy: That's not helping.
Meemaw: No.
Mr. Lundy: All right, fair enough. Thank you for hearing us out. If you have a change of heart, you let us know.
George Jr.: Screw that. My whole life I've seen you bet on football games, throw away all kinds of money at the track. If you want to gamble on something, why can't it be on your own grandson?
Meemaw: How much money you need?
Mr. Lundy: Well, now, um... how much money did you bet on football last year?
Meemaw: [chuckles] Well, you're not getting that much.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: And who would be, uh, starring in this video?
George Jr.: Me.
Meemaw: [laughs] That's ridiculous. [chuckles]
George Jr.: And Richard Simmons ain't ridiculous?
Mr. Lundy: Well, now, the young man does have a point.
Meemaw: Yeah, maybe on his head. Look, you're not getting my money.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You know how you love those Richard Simmons tapes?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mr. Lundy: Well, what if I told you we have the next big thing in home fitness videos.
Meemaw: Mm. And what kind of thing would that be?
Mr. Lundy: "Cowboy aerobics". Yee-haw. It's like, um, Sweatin' to the Oldies with a little bit of Southern swagger. [imitates gunshots]
George Jr.: Cool, huh?
Meemaw: So, are y'all just trying to sell me an aerobics tape?
Mr. Lundy: No. No, not at all.
George Jr.: We want you to give us money to make them.
Mr. Lundy: "Invest". He... he means invest.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What do you mean you quit?
Sheldon: It was beneath me.
George Sr.: You need to learn there's nothing wrong with a little hard work.
Sheldon: Hard work is calculating neutrino properties to one percent accuracy. Anyone can wash bolts.
George Sr.: You begged him for that job.
Sheldon: I assumed he'd realize the value of my intellect and put it to good use.
George Sr.: Hang on. You made a commitment. When you say you're gonna do something, you do it.
Sheldon: Well, he could find someone else.
George Sr.: Doesn't matter. This is about you being a man of your word.
Adult Sheldon: I wanted to point out that I couldn't be a man of my word, since I hadn't hit puberty, but he seemed pretty grouchy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Here you go. 473 grease-free bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
Sheldon: Now what? How about I help you design an even better solar neutrino detector?
Dr. Linkletter: Actually, what I need you to do is... take this grease and put it on these bolts.
Sheldon: But I just took the grease off the bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: That was the wrong grease. This is the right grease. Have at it.
Sheldon: If this is some kind of test to get me to quit, it's not going to work.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't know what you were expecting, but this is a menial job. After this, I need you to sort a crate of resistors, strip a case of wire and then sweep up.
Sheldon: Oh. Then I quit.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: How may I assist you today?
Dr. Linkletter: Follow me.
Sheldon: Should I look over your notes? Would you like me to double-check your math?
Dr. Linkletter: See these bolts? Scrub the grease off.
Sheldon: But there's hundreds of them.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. That's where you come in.
Sheldon: Surely there's a better use of my intellect.
Dr. Linkletter: Son, we're building a solar neutrino detector. If you don't want the job, there's the door.
Sheldon: No, I want it.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.
Sheldon: [sighs] Although that door does look tempting.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: [on tape] So, most people think you need expensive machines to work out, but I just use free weights. To be clear, they ain't free. You got to buy them.
Mary: Are you watching yourself work out?
George Jr.: I made an exercise video.
Mary: Why?
George Jr.: To sell.
George Jr.: [on tape] That's very important. Next, we're gonna do curls. 'Cause, like I always say, curls get the girls.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
George Jr.: What?
George Jr.: [on tape] You want to remember: squeeze it at the top.
George Jr.: People like it when things rhyme.

Quote from Sheldon

[title: "Flattery"; Sheldon is in Linkletter's office again]
Sheldon: You know what?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: I was just admiring your posture. You're not all hunched over like most people your age.
[Dr. Linkletter points to the door for Sheldon to leave]

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: You think Judge Wapner and Rusty the bailiff are friends in real life?
George Jr.: Yeah. You can't fake that kind of chemistry.

Quote from Sheldon

[title: "Besmirching the competition"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at a vending machine]
Sheldon: I overheard some of your other candidates talking about marijuana.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't care.
Sheldon: Well, you should. I think they plan on smoking it.

Quote from Sheldon

[title: "Begging"; Sheldon follows Dr. Linkletter down the hall]
Sheldon: Say yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: HIja.
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: That's "yes" in Klingon.
Dr. Linkletter: How do you say "no" in Klingon?
Sheldon: Qo'.
Dr. Linkletter: Qo'!
Sheldon: Aw.

Quote from Sheldon

[title: "Bribery"; Sheldon goes to see Linkletter in his office]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: If you look in your drawer, you'll find a little something. I hope you like peanut butter cookies.
Dr. Linkletter: This isn't going to change my mind.
Sheldon: You sure?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Sheldon: Then give them back, they're my favorite.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Since my meemaw was being stingy with her love, I had to find another way to change Dr. Linkletter's mind. I decided to treat this like a science experiment... test various methods of persuasion to determine which was the most effective.
[title: "Peer Pressure"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at the water fountain:]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I was talking to the other physics professors and they think you having an 11-year-old lab assistant would be neat.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Don't you want your peers to think you're cool?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: I would.
Dr. Linkletter: No.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: What are you doing?
George Jr.: Gonna make an exercise video.
Missy: Why?
George Jr.: If Richard Simmons could make million bucks, think how much I could make with my face.
Missy: What's your face got to do with it?
George Jr.: What do you mean? I'm gorgeous, ask anybody.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: It's his lab, Sheldon. He can do what he wants.
Sheldon: I've got it. Dr. Linkletter likes you. You go on a date with him and when he tries to kiss you, say you'll do it, but only if he gives me the job.
Meemaw: I'm gonna ask you to think hard about what you just said.
Sheldon: What? I want something, he wants something... seems like a win-win.
Meemaw: Not for me.
Sheldon: You get a free dinner. Make him take you someplace nice. Ooh, maybe Sizzler.
Meemaw: Sheldon.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

[David Hasselhoff: Cowboy Aerobics:]
Cowgirl #1: All right, buckaroos, it's time for cowboy aerobics with...
Cowgirl #2: David Hasselhoff!
Cowgirl #1: David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Who's ready to rustle up some muscles? [both whoo] Let's saddle up and ride.
Adult Sheldon: Thanks to The Hoff, the video was a smashing success.
David Hasselhoff: Who wants a beach body like the ones on Baywatch? Which I'm also in. Check your local listings.
Adult Sheldon: Unfortunately, Mr. Lundy put all his profits into a musical about his life, entitled: Live, Laugh, Lundy. He is poor to this day.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Adult Sheldon: Mr. Lundy was undeterred. He sought out new investors and new talent to bring cowboy aerobics to life.
Mr. Lundy: You've got the look. [chuckles] You've got the physique. If-if we could secure a star of your caliber, it would really put us on the map.
David Hasselhoff: I do look good in a cowboy hat.
Mr. Lundy: You look good in everything. [chuckles] Come on, Mr. Hasselhoff.
David Hasselhoff: Call me The Hoff.
Mr. Lundy: [chuckles] Okay, The Hoff. So, what do you say?
David Hasselhoff: Well, I've conquered television, music. I don't see why I couldn't add exercise videos to my empire.
Mr. Lundy: So you'll do it?
David Hasselhoff: You got The Hoff!
Mr. Lundy: Hot damn! I got The Hoff! [both laugh] By-by any chance, do you know what size chaps you wear?
David Hasselhoff: Oh. I got my own.
Mr. Lundy: Of course you do.

Quote from George Jr.

Meemaw: Come on, let's get out of here.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, fine, go ahead.
George Jr.: And we're gonna make our own exercise video without you.
Meemaw: No, we're not.
George Jr.: No, we're not!
Mr. Lundy: And they call me dramatic.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Meemaw: Excuse me. We need to talk.
Mr. Lundy: Can it wait? I'm trying to turn your grandson here into the Richard Simmons of the Wild West.
Meemaw: No, it can't. I took a look at this contract you sent over.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, well, that's just boilerplate legalese. I wouldn't even read that.
Meemaw: Too late. I couldn't help but notice you're taking 80% of the profits.
George Jr.: Eighty percent?
Mr. Lundy: Well, in case no one has noticed, I'm doing most of the work here.
George Jr.: But it was all my idea.
Mr. Lundy: Your idea was lifting weights in some dingy garage. Cowboy aerobics was hatched in this egg right here.
George Jr.: But it's my face.
Meemaw: Any my money.
Mr. Lundy: And my apologies, but 20% is all you're getting.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.
Mr. Lundy: Excuse me. I've done all the choreography. I designed the sets. I-I made the costumes by hand. You think you can find sequined chaps in a mall? No, you cannot. And they give you quite the look when you ask.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

Mr. Lundy: I'm sorry, are-are we galloping, or are we doing double Dutch? You got to get your hips into it, all right? Yeah, you get your rope, you get your hip. We can gallop up, we can gallop back. We're lassoing and galloping around the corral.

Quote from Mr. Lundy

George Jr.: So, when are we gonna shoot this thing?
Mr. Lundy: Slow down, now. We've got to plan out. You know, costumes, choreography, music. Let's start with the set. Now, I was thinking... an Oklahoma theme. Hay bales, saloon door, maybe a surrey with a fringe on top.
George Jr.: A what with a what?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, you know. [sings] ♪ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry ♪ ♪ When I take you out in my surrey ♪ ♪ When I take you out ♪ ♪ In my surrey with the fringe... ♪ [talks] Okay, forget Oklahoma.
George Jr.: Done.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The next day I returned to my role as lab assistant with renewed vigor. Bolts were greased, wires were stripped, floors were swept, all with a smile. It was a forced smile but you'd never know.
Dr. Linkletter: I must say, Sheldon, I'm impressed.
Sheldon: I gave you my word and I'm standing by it.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I know it's not glamorous, but all scientists pay their dues.
Sheldon: And I'm happy to do it.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.
Sheldon: I understand my role here. In fact, I noticed a flaw in your reaction rates, but I kept it to myself because I know my place.
Dr. Linkletter: You really think there's a flaw?
Sheldon: Oh, yes.
Dr. Linkletter: What is it?
Sheldon: I appreciate you testing me, but I'm not going to crack.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not testing you.
Sheldon: Nice try.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: What do you two want?
Mr. Lundy: What we want is to make you rich.
Meemaw: Oh, God.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You sure I can't just lift weights?
Mr. Lundy: Aerobics is the way to go. It's got music. It's got energy. [snaps fingers] It's got what?
George Jr.: Pizazz?
Mr. Lundy: Bingo! Now, hear me out. We surround you with a bunch of dancing girls. No, even better. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
George Jr.: If that's what "pizazz" means, I like it.
Mr. Lundy: [chuckles] Of course, to do this right, we are gonna need some financing. What does your father do for a living?
George Jr.: He's a coach here at the school.
Mr. Lundy: Oof.
George Jr.: I know somebody who's got money.

Quote from George Jr.

Mr. Lundy: Now, I like the idea of an exercise video. I'm just not sure that weight lifting is the way to go.
George Jr.: Why not?
Mr. Lundy: It's low-energy. You know? We don't want a one-man show. We want Starlight Express.
George Jr.: I don't know what that is.
Mr. Lundy: You'd love it. Andrew Lloyd Webber, people on roller skates. That's a thought. Skater-cise. Do you... do you skate?
George Jr.: No.
Mr. Lundy: Too bad.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: So, I could really use your help making it look more professional.
George Jr.: [on tape] That's burn right there. [grunts]
George Jr.: Like, adding a little, you know...
Mr. Lundy: I think the word you're looking for is "pizazz".
George Jr.: Exactly. So, you'll do it?
Mr. Lundy: Well, I'm flattered that you would ask, but exercise videos... That's not really what I do.
George Jr.: But I've seen you on TV.
Mr. Lundy: [in mattress commercial] I'm soft and firm in all the right places.
George Jr.: You've been in plays.
Mr. Lundy: [as Annie] It's all right, Molly. Annie's here.
Mr. Lundy: Don't forget my modeling work.
[shot of Mr. Lundy in an advertisement for "Casa del Queso", home of the big burrito restaurant]
Mr. Lundy: But I have a reputation. When people hear the name Gene Lundy, they expect quality. They expect showmanship. [chuckles] They expect me to get paid.
George Jr.: Oh, I'm gonna pay you.
Mr. Lundy: Let's make an exercise video!

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