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36Quotes from ‘A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles’

  • A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

    514. A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

    Aired February 24, 2022

    When Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter can't agree on how to proceed with their project, President Hagemeyer appoints Dr. Lee (Ming-Na Wen) to lead them. Meanwhile, Mary is given a free scratchcard at the gas station.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Dr. Linkletter: I cannot work with that creepy little know-it-all one more day.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, but are we talking about Sheldon or Sturgis?
Dr. Linkletter: Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.
[cut to:]
Dr. John Sturgis: He's not interested in anyone else's input.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter?
Dr. John Sturgis: Linkletter.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, got it. Continue.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Dr. John Sturgis: I was brought in to help but Dr. Linkletter doesn't value my input.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Dr. Linkletter: Ever since he was brought back, he contradicts everything I say.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Sheldon: There was a time when their arguing brought out the best in them, but now it's just hindering our work.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Scientific rivalries are a fact of life. When two competing scientists work on a project, it can devolve into an intellectual boxing match. Over the years, there's been a few classic heavyweight bouts. Newton and Leibniz. [bell ringing] Tesla and Edison. And in a lesser-known but equally brutal bout...
[fantasy:]
Announcer: Linkletter versus Sturgis, The Tussle with No Muscle. Let's see how they stack up in a tale of the tape. In the wire frame glasses, the Eureka from Topeka, Grant Linkletter. IQ: 159. Papers published: 272. Bedtime: 8:30. And his opponent, in his favorite sensible shoes, The Brain from Maine, John Burgess Sturgis! IQ: 162. Papers published: 221. Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays, 9:00 on Saturday night. Fasten your thinking caps and let's get it on.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I guess a dishwasher might be nice.
George Sr.: There you go. Get a dishwasher.
Mary: I don't know. I'll think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about? Have some fun for once.
Missy: Ooh, we getting something fun with the money?
George Sr.: We're talking about a dishwasher.
Missy: When did your dreams die?
George Sr.: When we had kids.
Mary: George.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: [low humming] Sounds like the ocean.
George Sr.: Oh, it is very relaxing.
George Jr.: Kind of makes the rest of the kitchen look trashy.
Sheldon: Ooh, it has a temperature boost sensor.
Mary: What's that?
Sheldon: It makes sure the water is heated to the correct temperature for ideal cleaning and drying results.
All: Ooh.
Missy: [scoffs and walks off]
Mary: Where are you going? You're gonna miss the rinse cycle.
Missy: I'm not missing anything. [exits]
George Sr.: [dishwasher beeps] Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."

Quote from Adult Sheldon

President Hagemeyer: Well, what did you do?
Dr. Lee: Well, eventually I realized, [chuckles] I'm an experimental physicist. I can build anything I want to protect my work.
[As Sheldon turns on Dr. Lee's computer, an alarm blares. A cloud of colorful powder is blown at Sheldon's face, making him cough as a picture is taken of him.]
Dr. Lee: And thanks to my kids, I am very familiar with the movie Home Alone. [both laugh]
Adult Sheldon: After a lot of apologizing, a little begging and a note from my mother, I was allowed to keep my role on the team. When Captain Kirk faced the no-win scenario, he didn't have blue and yellow snot for a week.
Sheldon: [sneezes] Ew.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Dr. Lee: Can you believe there were only three women in my major?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, at least you had each other.
Dr. Lee: Those bitches? Pass.
President Hagemeyer: What about the guys?
Dr. Lee: Either too scared to talk to me or trying to talk me into being horizontal.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, yeah, I hear that.
Dr. Lee: Mm-hmm.
President Hagemeyer: Mm.
Dr. Lee: I've even had projects sabotaged just to make me look bad.
President Hagemeyer: You're kidding.
Dr. Lee: Nope.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

President Hagemeyer: Well, here's to male egos and all the fun that comes with them. [chuckles]
Dr. Lee: [sighs] You've had to deal with that a lot, huh?
President Hagemeyer: The first month I was here, people kept assuming I was the president's secretary.
Dr. Lee: Did you correct them?
President Hagemeyer: No, I just told them that the president was too busy to see them and then I cut their funding.
Dr. Lee: [laughs] That must have felt good.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, it was like taking off my bra at the end of a long day.
Dr. Lee: Mm-hmm.
President Hagemeyer: But I don't have to tell you.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The next evening, I put my plan into action. I was just like Captain Kirk, if Captain Kirk had to bum a ride from his meemaw. All I needed to do was get into Dr. Lee's office and swap the coordinates. Nothing could stop me. [door is locked]
Sheldon: Dang it.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My sister thought I was in an unwinnable situation, but I knew someone else who faced a no-win scenario and prevailed: one James Tiberius Kirk. The Kobayashi Maru was a simulation designed to be unbeatable, but Kirk snuck in and reprogrammed it so he could win. All I needed to do was put my scanning coordinates into Dr. Lee's radio telescope to prove I was correct. It was time for my sneaky face.

Quote from Principal Petersen

George Sr.: What made you and your wife call it quits?
Principal Petersen: George, let me tell you something. Getting divorced sucks.
George Sr.: I know.
Principal Petersen: You don't. If you think you're upset about a $500 scratcher, try sitting home alone with half your money gone.
George Sr.: I thought you were gonna say something about love and vows.
Principal Petersen: Half, George. And it wasn't a lot when it was a whole.
George Sr.: I said I'd buy your drinks.
Principal Petersen: Well, thank you. Wings wouldn't hurt, either.

Quote from Missy

Missy: So, this Dr. Lee is turning your friends against you?
Sheldon: Essentially.
Missy: Classic move. Most girls you find crying in the school bathroom, that was it.
Sheldon: What do I do?
Missy: Well, you're in a tough spot 'cause your personality is ugh.
Sheldon: There's enough people being mean to me right now.
Missy: Sorry.
Sheldon: Can you help me or not?
Missy: It's you against a bunch of college professors. I don't think you can win this one. [Sheldon starts to walk away] Oh. Do any of them have pimples?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: Too bad, I've done a lot of damage with "pizza face."

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Lee had commandeered the project, and Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis were okay with it. Everyone was being mean, and I was out of my depth. I needed advice on how to proceed. Thankfully, I was mere feet away from the person who had been mean to me since she tried strangling me with her umbilical cord. [Sheldon knocks on Missy's door]
Missy: What?

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Lee: I was carrying pulsers 75 feet up a wet metal ladder when there was an earthquake. [chuckles] So, I am hanging on for dear life...
Sheldon: Ooh, we should set up several radio telescopes on different rooftops in an array.
Dr. Lee: [Mandarin: "Does this kid have an off switch?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: You speak Mandarin.
Dr. Linkletter: [Mandarin: "I do. I take it you do as well?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Mandarin: "Yes. And Sheldon doesn't have an off switch..."]
Sheldon: I heard my name. What are they saying?
Dr. Linkletter: I don't speak Mandarin. Just a little French.
Dr. Lee: Oh, really? [French: "I asked if Sheldon has an off switch."]
Dr. Linkletter: Ha! [French: "I wish he did!"] [laughter]
Sheldon: Well, does anyone here speak Klingon? [Klingon: "Where do you keep the chocolate?"]

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. John Sturgis: The free-streaming length of the axion is too long. It'll erase the fluctuations.
Dr. Linkletter: You're completely forgetting that it is nonrelativistic dark matter.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.
Dr. Linkletter: I think your brain is as smooth as the top of your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: Low blow, Grant.
Sheldon: He's right, gentlemen, let's keep it to science.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

President Hagemeyer: But I thought you wanted Dr. Sturgis on this project.
Dr. Linkletter: I'll admit John has been useful, but now he's just slowing us down.
President Hagemeyer: Well, he keeps Sheldon happy, and when Sheldon's happy, he's not in this office.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, but when he's not in your office, he's in my office.
President Hagemeyer: Eh, "dem's da breaks." [chuckles]

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Dr. Linkletter: Thank you for understanding.
President Hagemeyer: And between us, I am counting on you being in charge.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
[cut to:]
President Hagemeyer: You're the alpha dog on this project.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very good. But shouldn't we tell everyone?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't be seen as playing favorites. But what's important is that I know and you know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Smart.
President Hagemeyer: But not as smart as you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. [laughs]

Quote from President Hagemeyer

President Hagemeyer: Which is why, uh, just between us, I am counting on you to keep the train on the tracks.
Sheldon: Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence. And the sweet train metaphor.
President Hagemeyer: Well, good. You know, I just want you to be happy.
Sheldon: I guess in a way I'm kind of like the son you never had.
President Hagemeyer: Sure.
Sheldon: Which is nice, because you're far too old to have children now.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs softly] And you make me feel okay about that.
Sheldon: Wait.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [stammers] What's this formula? This wasn't here yesterday.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter added it after you left.
Dr. John Sturgis: Was he trying to be funny?
Sheldon: He was giggling at your "feebleminded math." His words.
Dr. John Sturgis: He's trying to approximate the cosmic background radiation by setting it at one Rydberg over Z, and my math is feebleminded? [laughs]

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Dr. Linkletter: You're wasting valuable time.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not, you are.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could please keep this train on the tracks...
Dr. Linkletter: We'll be on track if we follow my plan, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Insist? You're not the alpha dog around here.
Sheldon: I agree.
Dr. Linkletter: This may be hard for both of you to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know for a fact that isn't true, because she put me in charge.
Sheldon: We may have a problem.
[cut to Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter in President Hagemeyer's office:]
President Hagemeyer: What can I say? I tried something. [laughs softly]

Quote from Mary

Missy: I'll split it with you.
Mary: No.
Missy: Why are you being so lame?
Mary: Because money does not buy happiness.
Missy: [sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
Mary: It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. Linkletter: What do you think you're doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm changing the estimate to Robert Dicke's value of 45 kelvin.
Dr. Linkletter: I wasn't here the last time he went off his rocker. Is this what it looked like?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you, Dicke's estimate is the way to go.
Dr. Linkletter: And I'm telling you we need to use one Rydberg over Z, and that is final.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. [shakes head]
Dr. John Sturgis: He impugned my mental stability.
Sheldon: Fair enough. Your insult stands.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Beanpole.

Quote from Principal Petersen

Principal Petersen: 500 bucks? I guess drinks are on you.
George Sr.: Fine, but is that all you got from my story?
Principal Petersen: It's called lightening the mood, George.

Quote from Mary

Mary: $20 on pump four, please.
Hal: You got it. Here you go.
Mary: What's this?
Hal: Promotion for the new lottery. Every ten gallons, you get a free scratcher.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe in gambling.
Hal: Great, I'll take it.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe you should be gambling, either.
Hal: So, you don't want it?
Mary: No.
Hal: Then I'm scratching it.
Mary: Sorry. Not on my watch. You can thank me in heaven.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: This is yours. And if you don't feel right spending it, then you should do whatever you want with it.
Mary: Thank you. You know, I've been thinking that maybe it isn't the end of the world if we spend it on something fun.
George Sr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah, something the family could enjoy.
George Sr.: Well... we haven't been on vacation in a long time.
Mary: Oh... Oh. [gasps] We could go to Houston, see the Ice Capades.
George Sr.: Let's keep thinking.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: It's not like I don't want to be fun, but I feel like I am the only one holding the family together.
Meemaw: Mary, can I point out that you weren't exactly like this when y'all got married?
Mary: So? I'm not allowed to grow?
Meemaw: Apart? Okay.

Quote from George Sr.

Principal Petersen: But I do think you're overreacting.
George Sr.: Come on. I... Would it kill her to loosen up once in a while?
Principal Petersen: Maybe that's just not who she is.
George Sr.: What if it is, just not with me?
Principal Petersen: Well, what does that mean?
George Sr.: The other night I drove by the church and I saw Mary and that new youth pastor just hanging out on the curb, laughing and smoking cigarettes.
Principal Petersen: Yeah? And?
George Sr.: Well, that's not enough?
Principal Petersen: Well, is smoking even a sin? 'Cause I still light up after a roll in the hay.
George Sr.: The point is, she's capable of being fun, just... not with me.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, who's it gonna be?
[cut to:]
Dr. Lee: Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee, director of the new experimental cosmology center.
Sheldon: What makes you qualified to lead our project?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yeah.
Dr. Linkletter: Yeah.
Dr. Lee: Well, I have a PhD in physics from Berkeley, I worked at IBM's Watson Research Center as lead of the materials research group, and I raised three little boys, which I understand you've been acting like.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds like she can handle it.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: He just took the ticket and stormed off. I don't know why he cares so much about a dishwasher.
Meemaw: Maybe it ain't about the dishwasher.
Mary: Well, what is it, then?
Meemaw: Mary, I love you, but sometimes it's kind of like you're waging a war on fun.
Mary: Why? Because I have values? Well, too bad because they're not going away.
Meemaw: Oh, and fun is down for the count.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Ooh, look at the Ultra-Clean Two. It's got five washing cycles.
Mary: I don't know, George, these are really expensive.
George Sr.: You won the money. Spend it.
Mary: Maybe we should just get a more affordable one.
George Sr.: Everything we do is affordable. Uh... splurge for once.
Mary: It's so extravagant.
George Sr.: [laughs] You'd think we were talking about buying a party boat. It's a dishwasher, for crying out loud.
Mary: But the way we got the money, it just doesn't feel right.
George Sr.: So you're telling me you're never okay with bending the rules once in a while?
Mary: That's not how being a Christian works.
George Sr.: Good to know. [grabs the scratch card]
Mary: What are you doing?
George Sr.: Oh, just helping you be a good Christian.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Lee: How can I help you?
Sheldon: I feel like my contributions aren't being taken seriously.
Dr. Lee: Oh, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm listening to everyone's contributions.
Sheldon: But you're not taking any of mine.
Dr. Lee: No. But Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis seem happy with the direction we're headed.
Sheldon: Well, I think it's because you're using your feminine wiles.
Dr. Lee: And what exactly do you think that means?
Sheldon: I'm not sure, but you are wearing lip gloss and seem to have good hygiene. And if you're trying to use them on me, it's not going to work.
Dr. Lee: Sheldon, I assure you that I'm just trying to do what's best for the project.
Sheldon: Excellent, then you'll want to set up several telescopes in an array.
Dr. Lee: I hear you, but... ghobe'.
Sheldon: Wait, that's "no" in Klingon. Do you speak Klingon?
Dr. Lee: I looked up that one word. I had a feeling it would come in handy. [Sheldon grunts]

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Sheldon: So you really thought you could tell us we were all in charge and we wouldn't figure it out?
President Hagemeyer: Well, in my defense, I said to each of you, "Let's keep this between us." I'm a little disappointed that you broke my trust.
Sheldon: That is true. We're sorry.
Dr. Linkletter: Don't apologize for that. We were being manipulated.
Dr. John Sturgis: You were the one who blabbed first.
Dr. Linkletter: That's because you kept slowing us down with your outmoded ideas.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could just follow my plan...
Dr. Sturgis & Dr. Linkletter: [in unison] No.

Quote from Sheldon

President Hagemeyer: Well, I hope that you're starting to see the challenge I faced putting any of you in charge.
Sheldon: You're right, we're sorry.
Dr. Linkletter: Stop that.
Sheldon: Sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, we can't move forward until a project leader is chosen.
Sheldon: He's right, I'll do it.
Dr. Linkletter: You're a child.
Dr. John Sturgis: [to Linkletter] You're a child.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, you're all children.
Sheldon: Sorry. [to Linkletter] Sorry.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I'm gonna tell you right now, we can't keep it.
George Sr.: It's not a puppy, Mary, it's 500 bucks.
Mary: It is gambling.
George Sr.: Then why'd you buy the ticket?
Mary: I didn't buy it. They gave it to me at the gas station.
George Sr.: Okay, well, that sounds like a gift from God. You don't want to make Him mad.
Mary: That is not how God works, George.
George Sr.: What if He wanted you to have it to give to the Church?
Mary: Well...
George Sr.: Well, uh, based on that, what ifHe wanted you to have it so we could buy stuff?
Mary: George.
George Sr.: All I'm saying is, we work hard, we're good people. Maybe we deserve this.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Lee: I suggest we mount a radio telescope on the roof so that we can get a good read on the fluctuations in radiation.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. We'll pick a small region of the sky and drill down.
Dr. John Sturgis: Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes. We need at least a 45-square-degree sector of the sky in order to take any meaningful readings.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous. What we need to do is cut a single linear section across the horizon.
Dr. Linkletter: No, if we don't focus, we won't get any useful data. I suggest 20 arc minutes max. The trick is to pick a good spot.
Dr. John Sturgis: You want a trick? Go see David Copperfield.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I make you disappear?
Dr. Lee: [claps] Do I need to separate you? Or can we try to put our minds together for the advancement of science?
Dr. Linkletter: The second one.
Sheldon: I know you're new here, ma'am, but this is our process. They argue, I swoop in and save the day. It may seem unorthodox to you, however... [Dr. Lee claps again] The- The second one.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [praying] Dear Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have finished that scratcher. That was wrong. But now that I have the money, my family could really use it. I know. Gambling is a sin. Although, I didn't buy the scratcher, so is that even gambling?
George Sr.: Why is Missy saying we're rich?

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