Adult Sheldon: Scientific rivalries are a fact of life. When two competing scientists work on a project, it can devolve into an intellectual boxing match. Over the years, there's been a few classic heavyweight bouts. Newton and Leibniz. [bell ringing] Tesla and Edison. And in a lesser-known but equally brutal bout...
[fantasy:]
Announcer: Linkletter versus Sturgis, The Tussle with No Muscle. Let's see how they stack up in a tale of the tape. In the wire frame glasses, the Eureka from Topeka, Grant Linkletter. IQ: 159. Papers published: 272. Bedtime: 8:30. And his opponent, in his favorite sensible shoes, The Brain from Maine, John Burgess Sturgis! IQ: 162. Papers published: 221. Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays, 9:00 on Saturday night. Fasten your thinking caps and let's get it on.

Dr. John Sturgis: The free-streaming length of the axion is too long. It'll erase the fluctuations.
Dr. Linkletter: You're completely forgetting that it is nonrelativistic dark matter.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.
Dr. Linkletter: I think your brain is as smooth as the top of your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: Low blow, Grant.
Sheldon: He's right, gentlemen, let's keep it to science.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.

Dr. Linkletter: I cannot work with that creepy little know-it-all one more day.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, but are we talking about Sheldon or Sturgis?
Dr. Linkletter: Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.
[cut to:]
Dr. John Sturgis: He's not interested in anyone else's input.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter?
Dr. John Sturgis: Linkletter.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, got it. Continue.

Dr. John Sturgis: I was brought in to help but Dr. Linkletter doesn't value my input.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Dr. Linkletter: Ever since he was brought back, he contradicts everything I say.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Sheldon: There was a time when their arguing brought out the best in them, but now it's just hindering our work.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.

Dr. John Sturgis: [stammers] What's this formula? This wasn't here yesterday.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter added it after you left.
Dr. John Sturgis: Was he trying to be funny?
Sheldon: He was giggling at your "feebleminded math." His words.
Dr. John Sturgis: He's trying to approximate the cosmic background radiation by setting it at one Rydberg over Z, and my math is feebleminded? [laughs]

Dr. Linkletter: What do you think you're doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm changing the estimate to Robert Dicke's value of 45 kelvin.
Dr. Linkletter: I wasn't here the last time he went off his rocker. Is this what it looked like?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you, Dicke's estimate is the way to go.
Dr. Linkletter: And I'm telling you we need to use one Rydberg over Z, and that is final.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. [shakes head]
Dr. John Sturgis: He impugned my mental stability.
Sheldon: Fair enough. Your insult stands.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Beanpole.

President Hagemeyer: But I thought you wanted Dr. Sturgis on this project.
Dr. Linkletter: I'll admit John has been useful, but now he's just slowing us down.
President Hagemeyer: Well, he keeps Sheldon happy, and when Sheldon's happy, he's not in this office.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, but when he's not in your office, he's in my office.
President Hagemeyer: Eh, "dem's da breaks." [chuckles]

Dr. Linkletter: Thank you for understanding.
President Hagemeyer: And between us, I am counting on you being in charge.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
[cut to:]
President Hagemeyer: You're the alpha dog on this project.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very good. But shouldn't we tell everyone?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't be seen as playing favorites. But what's important is that I know and you know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Smart.
President Hagemeyer: But not as smart as you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. [laughs]

President Hagemeyer: Which is why, uh, just between us, I am counting on you to keep the train on the tracks.
Sheldon: Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence. And the sweet train metaphor.
President Hagemeyer: Well, good. You know, I just want you to be happy.
Sheldon: I guess in a way I'm kind of like the son you never had.
President Hagemeyer: Sure.
Sheldon: Which is nice, because you're far too old to have children now.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs softly] And you make me feel okay about that.
Sheldon: Wait.

Missy: I'll split it with you.
Mary: No.
Missy: Why are you being so lame?
Mary: Because money does not buy happiness.
Missy: [sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
Mary: It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!

Dr. Linkletter: You're wasting valuable time.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not, you are.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could please keep this train on the tracks...
Dr. Linkletter: We'll be on track if we follow my plan, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Insist? You're not the alpha dog around here.
Sheldon: I agree.
Dr. Linkletter: This may be hard for both of you to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know for a fact that isn't true, because she put me in charge.
Sheldon: We may have a problem.
[cut to Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter in President Hagemeyer's office:]
President Hagemeyer: What can I say? I tried something. [laughs softly]

Mary: I guess a dishwasher might be nice.
George: There you go. Get a dishwasher.
Mary: I don't know. I'll think about it.
George: What's to think about? Have some fun for once.
Missy: Ooh, we getting something fun with the money?
George: We're talking about a dishwasher.
Missy: When did your dreams die?
George: When we had kids.
Mary: George.

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Lee had commandeered the project, and Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis were okay with it. Everyone was being mean, and I was out of my depth. I needed advice on how to proceed. Thankfully, I was mere feet away from the person who had been mean to me since she tried strangling me with her umbilical cord. [Sheldon knocks on Missy's door]
Missy: What?

George: What made you and your wife call it quits?
Principal Petersen: George, let me tell you something. Getting divorced sucks.
George: I know.
Principal Petersen: You don't. If you think you're upset about a $500 scratcher, try sitting home alone with half your money gone.
George: I thought you were gonna say something about love and vows.
Principal Petersen: Half, George. And it wasn't a lot when it was a whole.
George: I said I'd buy your drinks.
Principal Petersen: Well, thank you. Wings wouldn't hurt, either.

Adult Sheldon: My sister thought I was in an unwinnable situation, but I knew someone else who faced a no-win scenario and prevailed: one James Tiberius Kirk. The Kobayashi Maru was a simulation designed to be unbeatable, but Kirk snuck in and reprogrammed it so he could win. All I needed to do was put my scanning coordinates into Dr. Lee's radio telescope to prove I was correct. It was time for my sneaky face.