Sheldon: Wil Wheaton plays Wesley Crusher. He's a child prodigy who's very young to be on the bridge of a Galaxy-class starship.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: But he's so intelligent that most people come to rely on him.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: Sounds kind of familiar, huh?
Missy: Okay.

George Jr.: You know one of the best things about working here? I always smell like dryer sheets.
Mandy: Is that a good thing?
George Jr.: Compared to how I used to smell, yeah.

Billy Sparks: I've seen this before. They're big now, but they're gonna get small.
Missy: Yeah. It's called Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Billy Sparks: [whispers] If you get scared, I'm here.
Missy: Terrific.

George Sr.: [on the phone] Hey, I'm here by myself. Why don't you come by?
Meemaw: I'm good.
George Sr.: What, you'd rather sit in the dark than hang out with me?
Meemaw: I got candles. I'm gonna get some takeout. I'm good.
George Sr.: Ooh. Well, I could come over. We could...
Meemaw: No. Bye. [hangs up]

Mary: [o.s.] Sheldon? Where are you?
Pastor Rob: [o.s.] Sheldon?
Adult Sheldon: That night began my winning streak at sardines. Every lock-in, every birthday party, someone suggested we play, and I won every time.
Mary: Sheldon!
Adult Sheldon: I'm the king of sardines.

Brenda Sparks: Anyway, his name is Billy, and he's in sixth grade, so you're gonna be seeing him in three or four or five years. [Petersen laughs]
George Sr.: You met him at my house when we were playing poker.
Principal Petersen: The big kid. I love that kid.
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
Brenda Sparks: Good. Remember that when he's failing homeroom.
Principal Petersen: Oh, don't worry about grades. He's gonna be a linebacker. Where you been hiding this one, George?
George Sr.: Haven't been hiding her.
Brenda Sparks: Well, not that easy to hide.
Principal Petersen: [chuckles] I'll get us another round. [whispers to George] Tell her how I make more money than you.

Mandy: Before this goes any further, there's something I got to tell you.
George Jr.: This is going further? Sweet.
Mandy: Listen to me. I wasn't completely honest about my age.
George Jr.: You weren't?
Mandy: I'm actually... 29.
George Jr.: No kidding.
Mandy: Yeah.
George Jr.: Well, then, I guess there's something I should tell you. I'm totally fine with that.
Mandy: Great. [they kiss]

Principal Petersen: Interesting bar, George.
George Sr.: Just wanted a change of pace.
Principal Petersen: Well, other than the noise and smell, you've picked a winner.
George Sr.: You want to go someplace else, we'll go someplace else.
Principal Petersen: No, I'm happy to stay here and bust your balls. I see they've even got a chili dog buffet, and just the sight of it makes me want to sit on a toilet.

Missy: You guys want to play sardines?
Billy Sparks: What's that?
Missy: It's like hide-and-seek except one person hides and everyone else tries to find them.
Sheldon: That sounds like an acceptable form of fun.
Missy: It's only fun when we have a really good hider, so not you.
Sheldon: Hold on, I'm an excellent hider. Do you know how many small spaces I've been stuffed into in my life?
Missy: All right, go hide. We'll close our eyes and count to 20.
Billy Sparks: One. Two. Three.
Missy: Why are you counting?
Billy Sparks: I don't know.

Mary: What'd you get?
Pastor Rob: Backpack full of water balloons.
Mary: Oh.
Pastor Rob: You?
Mary: Sassy magazine. [Peg laughs]
Pastor Rob: Uh-oh.
Peg: I found this Walkman.
Mary: Peg, they can have that.
Peg: Mine now.

Mary: What are you girls reading?
Missy: Christian Teen. It's such a good one.
Mary: Oh.
[Mary takes the magazine off Missy and finds another magazine, Sassy, inside it]
Mary: Really, girls?
Missy: How'd you know?
Mary: Because I am your mother and I know everything. [returns Christian Teen. You can keep this one.
[After Missy discards the Christian magazine, she notices Sheldon watching her and smiling. He quickly looks away.]

Pastor Rob: Gentlemen. How are we tonight?
Billy Sparks: [whispers] Be cool.
Pastor Rob: Y'all wouldn't be planning on throwing any water balloons at the girls later?
Billy Sparks: No, sir.
[Pastor Rob picks up Billy's backpack and removes a water balloon]
Pastor Rob: Nice try.
Billy Sparks: How did he know?
Sheldon: Maybe God told him.

George Sr.: [answers phone] Hello.
Meemaw: Hey.
George Sr.: Oh. [sighs] Hi, Connie.
Meemaw: Is your power out?
George Sr.: No. Yours?
Meemaw: Well, I just like asking everybody that question. Of course it's out.
George Sr.: Don't yell at me.
Meemaw: I'm not yelling at you. It's just such a stupid question. Maybe it's just my side of the street.

George Jr.: How about, while this runs, I take you to dinner?
Mandy: How old are you?
George Jr.: [inner monologue] Do not say 17. [out loud] Old enough.
Mandy: Old enough to what? To drink?
George Jr.: Yes, ma'am.
Mandy: [chuckles] "Ma'am"? How old do you think I am?
George Jr.: Well, I'm also old enough to know that's a trap, so... How old are you?
Mandy: 25.
George Jr.: 21.
Mandy: I was worried you were gonna say "19."
George Jr.: Oh, no, I promise I'm not 19.

Peg: [whispers to Mary] If Sheldon finds booze, dibs.

Pastor Jeff: Well, I've already confiscated a can of shaving cream, a box of stink bombs and a PG- movie.
Mary: What was the movie?
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing. Which is redundant because all dancing's dirty.
Mary: Well, I guess it's good we got some eyes on the inside.
[When Mary and Jeff look over at Sheldon, who is pretending to read a book, he subtly nods]

George Jr.: Need a hand?
Mandy: This thing ate my quarters, and now it's stuck.
George Jr.: That tends to happen with number seven. What you want to do is a push-pull.
Mandy: And here I was just pushing like a damn fool. [chuckles]

George Jr.: I ain't seen you in here before.
Mandy: Oh, I just moved back from San Antonio.
George Jr.: Oh, big city girl.
Mandy: Well, now I'm "living back with my parents" girl.
George Jr.: That's all right. I lived with my folks not too long ago.
Mandy: Isn't it weird? Whenever you live at home, no matter how old you are, you feel like a teenager.
George Jr.: It did feel that way.

George Jr.: I'm Georgie.
Mandy: Mandy. And now that we're on a first-name basis, I'm gonna throw my underwear in here.
George Jr.: And since I'm a gentleman, I ain't gonna look.
Mandy: You just looked.
George Jr.: I did.

Mary: I have something fun for us to do on Saturday night.
Missy: Ooh, what?
Mary: The church is thinking...
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Ugh.
Mary: Hold on. We're gonna do an overnight lock-in with pizza and games and movies.
Missy: Boys and girls?
Mary: Yes.
Missy: I got to find cute pajamas.

Mary: So, what do you say?
Sheldon: Disrupting my sleep schedule to fraternize with children my own age? We both know the answer.
Mary: I figured. I just wanted to make sure. Although I could use someone as my eyes and ears if the kids get to causing trouble.
Sheldon: Are you asking me to help enforce the rules and police the other children?
Mary: Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that.
Sheldon: Because if you do, I'm in.
Mary: Then what you said.
Sheldon: I need to pick out pajamas.

George Jr.: So, what'd you do in San Antonio?
Mandy: I was the weather girl at the local TV station.
George Jr.: No way. So you were on TV?
Mandy: 5:30 every morning. More people are seeing me right here.
George Jr.: Why'd you leave?
Mandy: The station manager and I broke up. But now his new girlfriend gets to be on TV. At 8:30. That bitch.
George Jr.: That sucks.

Mary: Last chance. You can still come chaperone.
George Sr.: Hmm. All night in a church with a bunch of other people's kids.
Mary: And Pastor Jeff and Pastor Rob.
George Sr.: Ooh, two pastors? Well, that is hard to say no to, but let me give it a shot. No.
Mary: Your loss. Missy, tell Billy we're leaving in minutes!
Missy: [o.s.] Okay!
George Sr.: Billy's going, too, huh?
Mary: Yeah, of course.
George Sr.: And Brenda gonna chaperone?
Mary: She was less interested than you.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Oh, there's no way she's less interested than me.

Sheldon: I'm neither holding hands nor praying. I don't even know why I walked over here.
Pastor Rob: Heavenly Father, may this evening bring us closer to you. Keep us safe and, most importantly, Heavenly Father, help us rock this night of fellowship. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
All: Amen.
Pastor Rob: I don't think he heard you.
All: Amen!
Sheldon: He can't hear you because he's not real.
Pastor Rob: One more time for Sheldon, y'all. [Sheldon covers his ears]
All: Amen!

Mandy: Did you give it the old push-pull?
George Jr.: You're back soon.
Mandy: What do you know about getting wine stains out of rayon?
George Jr.: You got to let it soak first.
Mandy: Does that work?
George Jr.: I don't know. That's just my answer to every laundry question.
Mandy: [laughs] Smooth.

Pastor Jeff: Lock-in? I love it!
Pastor Rob: Look at that.
Mary: You always say no.
Pastor Jeff: That was before I had a baby in the house. I love him, but a night away sounds like magic.

Pastor Rob: Wow. Were all these cigarettes taken from the kids?
Mary: Oh, no, those are Peg's. She's got them stashed everywhere.
Pastor Rob: [sniffs] Takes me back.
Mary: You were a smoker?
Pastor Rob: In college. You know, I was trying to look older.
Mary: Oh. Did it work?
Pastor Rob: [laughs] Imagine the Gerber Baby puffing on a Marlboro Light. [Mary laughs] I'm glad I quit, though. It's a disgusting habit.
Mary: Oh, it is.
Pastor Rob: Yeah.
Mary: I do miss it sometimes, though.
Pastor Rob: Interesting.

Pastor Rob: Peg, how's it going?
Peg: Last time I checked, they were all alive.
Mary: Where's Sheldon?
Peg: Huh.

Pastor Rob: Hey, you want to chaperone with me?
Mary: Oh. Uh... I don't know.
Pastor Rob: Come on. We'll pull an all-nighter. It'll be fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, Mary. Don't be such a lame-o. [Rob chuckles]
Mary: I'm not a lame-o. I'm a fun-o.
Pastor Jeff: So you're in?
Mary: You betcha.
Pastor Rob: All right. Fun-o is in. We got ourselves a lock-in to plan.

Mary: You?
Pastor Rob: Freshman year of college, trying to impress Melissa Coolidge at a party.
Mary: Mm. [chuckles]
Pastor Rob: Man, I threw up so much.
Mary: [chuckles] Oh, no.
Pastor Rob: In my defense, it was an impressive amount. [both laugh]

Mary: This is wrong, right?
Pastor Rob: You mean how much we're enjoying it?
Mary: Yes. [both laugh]
Pastor Rob: Well, that's the nice thing about being Christian. We can always ask for forgiveness.
Mary: You have to really mean it.
Pastor Rob: Trust me, when I wake up with this taste in my mouth, I'll mean it. [chuckles]
Mary: I guess it reminds me of being young.
Pastor Rob: Hmm. [Mary chuckles] You remember your first cigarette?
Mary: Eighth grade. I snuck it out of my mom's purse. [chuckles] Ugh, menthol.
Pastor Rob: Ooh. [both chuckle]

Sheldon: 22 minutes. This has to be a record.

Missy: I think she's asleep.
Billy Sparks: What if she's dead?
Peg: [snores]
Missy: [whispers] She's not dead.
Billy Sparks: She looks dead.
Peg: I'm not dead.

Mary: It was a long time ago.
Pastor Rob: How long?
Mary: Not that long. [chuckles]
Pastor Rob: Okay, I got a confession to make. Me, too.
Mary: [gasps softly] When?
Pastor Rob: Well, when I first started this job.
Mary: Oh!
Pastor Rob: Yeah, I was pretty stressed-out.
Mary: [chuckles] You wouldn't have known it.
Pastor Rob: Oh. Thank you. When was your last one?
Mary: Wednesday.
Pastor Rob: Wow.
Mary: I was having a hard time with the kids.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] You know, there's lighters in here, too.

Brenda Sparks: Well, it was nice meeting you. I'll let y'all enjoy your night.
George Sr.: Good seeing you.
Principal Petersen: Hey, if you're here by yourself, join us.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, no. No, I wouldn't want to intrude.
George Sr.: We're probably leaving soon, anyways.
Principal Petersen: What are you talking about? You made me put on pants and leave the house. I'm at least getting a beer out of this.
George Sr.: Fine.
Principal Petersen: Sit. I'll grab us a round.

George Sr.: Don't you usually hang out at Nate's?
Brenda Sparks: Well, I thought that was more your spot.
George Sr.: Yeah, usually.
Principal Petersen: But tonight he took me to this charming dump.
George Sr.: She works here.
Principal Petersen: Cool.

Chloe: [to Georgie] Here we go, two margaritas. You need a chair?
George Jr.: No, she's good.
Chloe: Okay. Be back in a sec to take your order.
Meemaw: I love their margaritas.
George Jr.: Yeah, but I'm driving, so I'll probably just have a sip or two. [off Meemaw's look] Or none. I'm pretty full on chips.
Meemaw: [chuckles] He is such a responsible young man.
George Jr.: Well, this was fun.
Meemaw: It was for me. [to Mandy] Nice meeting you. [taps Georgie on the shoulder]

George Jr.: When you did the weather, how'd you know if it was gonna rain or not?
Mandy: Oh, I didn't. I just wore something low-cut and read it off a screen.
George Jr.: Nice.

Mandy: And now I'm here, hoping I don't run into anybody I went to high school with.
George Jr.: Well, I think you're safe. Loretta there is one of our younger customers.
Mandy: Oh. Seems like a good place to meet girls.
George Jr.: I met you. But play it cool. Loretta can get real jealous.
Mandy: [whispers]: Okay.

Pastor Rob: Question. Y'all ever had a youth lock-in?
Mary: Oh. No. Whenever we talk about it, Pastor Jeff shoots it down.
Pastor Rob: Why? Kids love sleepovers. Doing it here shows them church can be fun.
Mary: I don't know. The Methodists did it last year. They're still cleaning up Silly String.