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48Quotes from ‘A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor’

A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor

212. A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor

Aired January 10, 2019

Sheldon turns into the world's worst patient when he has to spend a few days in the hospital. Meanwhile, George feels guilty for doubting Sheldon was ill.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Gilbert: So, those pain meds should already be kicking in. Then my buddy Gary here is gonna administer the gas, which'll help you sleep. And once you're under, we'll make a little incision and snatch that guy right outta there. Any questions?
Sheldon: Yes. What kind of doctor says, "Snatch that guy right out of there?"
Dr. Gilbert: Just trying to put you at ease.
Sheldon: It didn't work. Where did you go to medical school?
Dr. Gilbert: University of Nebraska.
Sheldon: Uh-oh. Did you at least graduate with honors?
Dr. Gilbert: Top of my class.
Sheldon: Have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?
Dr. Gilbert: Not a drop.
Sheldon: How much sleep did you get last-
Dr. Gilbert: Gary, can we-
Gary: Got it. Just relax and start counting backwards from 100.
Sheldon: Wait, Gary, where did you study anesthesiolo-

Quote from Sheldon

Nurse Robinson: What?
Sheldon: Do you know where my mother is?
Nurse Robinson: I think she went down to the cafeteria. What do you need?
Sheldon: I can't sleep.
Nurse Robinson: Did you try counting sheep?
Sheldon: Oh, no, I'm afraid of farm animals.
Nurse Robinson: Of course you are.

Quote from Sheldon

Ricky: Yeah, they're gonna put a patch on it.
Sheldon: And then it just stays there forever?
Ricky: Yeah, like a Band-Aid you never have to pull off.
Sheldon: That's great, because that's the worst thing about Band-Aids. [Ricky chuckles] They may have removed my gallbladder, but not my wicked sense of humor.

Quote from Sheldon

Nora: So, we've got a tummyache?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm afraid it might be cholera.
Nora: Again?
Sheldon: I have one of the symptoms.
Nora: Okay, on a scale of one to ten, what's your pain level?
Sheldon: Three point four seven.
Nora: That's pretty serious. But since you're at a 3.47, I'm gonna give you the strongest medication I'm allowed to give you.
Sheldon: You're an angel of mercy, Nurse Nora. Ooh, cherry.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Hey, Mom, you know how twins can feel each other's pain?
Mary: You're going to school tomorrow.
Missy: I think she's gettin' smarter.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: How come when I'm sick it's no big deal, but when Sheldon gets sick you act like it's the end of the world?
Mary: Because he's a fragile little boy and you're gettin' to be a big, strong man.
George Jr.: That's true. Puberty has done right by me.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Well?
Meemaw: Your brother's gonna be fine, but he has to have his gallbladder removed.
Missy: How's he gonna pee?
Meemaw: Not that bladder, his gallbladder.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: What's the gallbladder do?
Meemaw: I guess not much, if they're takin' it out.
Missy: You think he'll bring it home so we can see it?
Meemaw: I'll ask.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: One second. Excuse me, Nurse Robinson?
Nurse Robinson: Yes?
Sheldon: Will you give this Iron Man comic to Ricky?
Nurse Robinson: I'll see that he gets it.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Nurse Robinson: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: And thank you for taking care of me.
Nurse Robinson: You're welcome. You stay healthy.
Sheldon: I will.
Nurse Robinson: When did he become nice?

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. MacElroy: Now, can anyone tell me why Melville shifts the narrative voice from Ishmael to Ahab? [Ms. MacElroy waits for somebody else to raise their hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: I have a tummyache. I'd like to see the nurse.
Derek: A "tummyache"?
Sheldon: Yes, Derek, I have a tummy and it aches. Ergo, tummyache.
Derek: Ergo?
Sheldon: It's Latin, Derek.
Ms. MacElroy: Go to the nurse.
Sheldon: And to answer your question, the shifting point of view grants the reader a broader perspective of events than typically allowed by first-person narration.
Ms. MacElroy: Where were we?
Sheldon: And "ergo" is Latin for "hence," Derek.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Throughout my high school career, Nurse Nora and I had been through quite a few close calls.
Nora: This is just a blister.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Nora: Sheldon, I promise you don't have leprosy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ooh, that's bright.
Nora: Proving you don't have hysterical blindness.
Sheldon: Well, can you test for just hysterical?

Quote from Mary

Nora: Oh. Looks like you bit your cheek.
Sheldon: How do you know it's not scurvy?
Nora: Because you're not a pirate.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: You're gonna be fine. One good dump and you'll feel right as rain.
Sheldon: Can you please not call it that?
George Sr.: What, "dump"?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: You want me to say "poop"?
Sheldon: I want you to stop talking about it.
George Sr.: B.M.?
Sheldon: Dad!

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Where is he?
George Sr.: He's fine. He's in the bathroom workin' it out.
Mary: Shelly, you okay in there?
Sheldon: No.
George Sr.: Give it a few more minutes. Eyes on the prize!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: My tummy really hurts, Mom.
Mary: You do feel a bit warm. Okay, you finish up in here, get in bed, and I'll bring you some ginger ale.
Sheldon: Canada Dry?
Mary: Yes.
Sheldon: Room temperature?
Mary: Yes.
Sheldon: Mostly flat?
Mary: I'll stir the fizz out with a spoon.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: Why don't you dote on me like that?
Mary: Because he's my baby.
George Sr.: Well, I could be your baby.
Mary: Oh, now I have a stomachache.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In that moment, I was in too much pain to tell my father, "I told you so." But for years after, I reminded him constantly.

Quote from George Sr.

Dr. Gilbert: Y'all can exhale. Surgery went great.
Mary: Thank you, Jesus.
Dr. Gilbert: Sheldon's gonna need to stay here three, four days, which is standard, but, uh, after that he's good to go home.
George Sr.: Really appreciate it, Doctor.
Mary: Oh. We can't thank you enough for takin' care of him.
Dr. Gilbert: He's extremely intelligent, isn't he?
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. He's our special little boy.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Where's your gallbladder? I want to see it.
Nurse Robinson: They throw it away, honey.
George Jr.: Why?
Missy: Aww.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Can I go home now?
Mary: No, baby, they need to keep you here a little while, make sure you're okay.
Sheldon: Overnight?
George Sr.: Actually, a few nights.
Sheldon: No, tell them I'm going home.
Mary: Shelly, the doctors know what's best for you.
Sheldon: What's best for me is to be at home, in my own bed, with my books and my computer.
George Sr.: Well, I can bring you whatever you want. Just-just tell me.
Sheldon: I just told you: bring me home.
Meemaw: Moonpie, you're looking at this all wrong. You got your own room here, your own TV.
Sheldon: Is no one listening to me? I want to go home.
Missy: I'm listening, but I have no say in this.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: No surprise, despite my adamant protest, I didn't go home.
Instead, I had to stay and suffer in silence like the Southern gentleman my mother raised me to be.
Sheldon: What's this? I asked for red.
Nurse Pryor: All they had was green.
Sheldon: Well, then you and I have a problem, don't we?

Quote from Sheldon

Nurse Robinson: Here you go. One O.J.
Sheldon: I see pulp.
Nurse Robinson: No, you don't. I strained it with a paper towel.
Sheldon: Now all I can taste is towel. And pulp.

Quote from Sheldon

Nurse Robinson: Well, I don't know what I can do for you.
Sheldon: Do you know the "Soft Kitty" song?
Nurse Robinson: No.
Sheldon: I'll teach it to you. Get a notepad.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Okay. I got your pillow and your blanket.
Mary: Shelly, what do you say?
Sheldon: Why does it smell like Missy?

Quote from Nurse Robinson

Sheldon: What's going on?
Nurse Robinson: This is Ricky, your new roommate.
Mary: Nice to meet you.
Nurse Robinson: [to Ricky] I am so sorry.

Quote from Nurse Robinson

Nurse Robinson: It's just for one night. They said you going home tomorrow.
Sheldon: They also said I'd have my own room. He better not be contagious.
Nurse Robinson: He's not.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Should we ask his doctor?
Nurse Robinson: You just asked me and I said no.
Sheldon: But you're not a doctor. Your career stalled at nurse.
Nurse Robinson: Okay, listen. I done put up with your nonsense long enough, and it ends now.
That boy is your roommate, that's the situation and you gonna make the best of it. You get my drift?

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: So Sheldon comes home tomorrow?
George Sr.: Yep.
George Jr.: Everybody's thinking it, so I'm gonna say it. This has been a nice break.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Hey. Don't talk about your brother like that.
George Jr.: Since when are you on his side?
Missy: Since Dad almost let him die.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Unbelievable. It's either cartoons or men in their underwear banging their heads together.
Ricky: You complain a lot.
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Ricky: Seriously, dude, you need to relax.
Sheldon: How can I relax? I'm being held captive in a bacterial playground.

Quote from Sheldon

Ricky: Why are you here?
Sheldon: I had to have my gallbladder removed. Why are you here?
Ricky: I'm having surgery tomorrow.
Sheldon: How come?
Ricky: I was born with a hole in my heart.
Sheldon: My mom says everyone is born with a Jesus-shaped hole in their heart, but I'm guessing this is different.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Whatcha working on?
Missy: A welcome home sign for Sheldon.
Meemaw: Oh, that's a nice thing.
Missy: Yeah, but this "W" took me half an hour.
Meemaw: Hmm. You want some help?
Missy: Yeah.
Meemaw: Georgie, get your ass in here!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: How did you find out you have a hole in your heart?
Ricky: I fainted playing soccer.
Sheldon: Hmm, I guess I'm fortunate.
Ricky: Why?
Sheldon: I don't and never will play soccer.

Quote from Sheldon

Ricky: How did you know something was wrong with your gallbladder?
Sheldon: It started as a minor tummyache, then escalated to a major tummyache. Luckily, I handle pain well.

Quote from Sheldon

Ricky: What are you gonna do when you get home?
Sheldon: Enjoy a bathroom I can relax in. Although I do like that there's a big red emergency button in there.

Quote from Sheldon

Ricky: I actually don't mind it here.
Sheldon: What about the food?
Ricky: It's not as good as my grandma's tamales, but nothing is.
Sheldon: How long has she been taking care of you?
Ricky: My whole life. She'd be here, but she's watching my brother.
Sheldon: My meemaw takes care of us sometimes, too.
Ricky: I'm excited for my heart to be fixed, 'cause then, she won't have to worry about me anymore. But hey, once they put the patch on my heart, I'll sort of be like Iron Man.
Sheldon: Technically, Iron Man has a magnet, not a patch.
Ricky: And technically, I said "sort of."
Sheldon: Touche.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: I actually missed you.
Meemaw: Ain't that nice?
Sheldon: What about me did you miss?
Missy: I don't know.
Sheldon: Well, think about it and get back to me.
George Jr.: Ha, he gave you homework.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Sheldon, I just got off the phone with that nurse from the hospital. Your little roommate's gonna be just fine.
Sheldon: Oh, good. That's a relief.
Mary: Would you like to go visit him?
Sheldon: No. Why?

Quote from Adult Sheldon

George Sr.: Okay, here we go, Sheldon. One "precision astronomical refractor telescope."
Sheldon: Wow. Thanks, Dad.
Adult Sheldon: For the next few weeks, my guilt-ridden father continued to lavish me with gifts. Then the football playoffs started and that was that.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Time's up. What did you miss about me?

Quote from Coach Wilkins

Coach Wilkins: Sheldon back in the nurse's office?
George Sr.: Yep.
Coach Wilkins: Let me guess. Yellow fever. Dengue fever. Cat scratch fever.
George Sr.: Cholera.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh! I was gonna say cholera.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Ms. Ingram: A quadrilateral that can be inscribed in a circle is an example of a cyclic polygon.
[Sheldon groans] Sheldon, don't argue with me, I'm looking at it right here.
Adult Sheldon: While Nurse Nora's special medicine had given me a temporary reprieve, my pain had escalated to a 4.9. Although Ms. Ingram's questionable math skills certainly weren't helping.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How you feelin', baby?
Sheldon: Remember the tuna sandwich I had at the bus station?
Mary: Yeah?
Sheldon: Worse than that.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hard to port!
Meemaw: Aye aye, Captain Ahab.
Sheldon: Thar she blows! Gallbladder dead ahead!
Mary: Captain Ahab, are you hungry? Do you want a bowl of gruel?
Sheldon: Not now, Mom, I'm in pursuit of my inner demons.
George Sr.: Aye, she's a formidable organ.
George Jr.: Just looks like a whale.
Missy: It's a metaphor, doofus.
All: Arrr!

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: This is ridiculous. They said an hour and a half; it's been almost two. I'm gonna go yell at somebody.
Mary: Good. Yell at everybody.

Quote from Nurse Robinson

Nurse Robinson: Ugh, man, it's Cooper again. Can you take it?
Nurse Pryor: Do I have to? He asked me if all the jobs for men were taken.
Nurse Robinson: I'll get it. You just stay here and do your nails.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Where'd he go? Where's Ricky?
Mary: He's in surgery.
Sheldon: Oh.
Mary: But look what I'm doing. I'm packing up so we can go home.
Sheldon: Can we wait until he's done?
Mary: I think it's gonna be a while, honey, but why don't we get a move on and then we can check on him later?
Sheldon: Okay.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, Nora.
Nora: Hey, there's my favorite patient! What hurts today?
Sheldon: Tummy troubles.
Nora: Oh, no. Sorry to hear it. Let me grab your file.

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