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30Quotes from ‘An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel’

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Engineering has a rich and storied history, dating back to ancient times. Some consider it the single most important field of study... Okay, w-wha... no. Stop. I'm sorry. Howard, I can't do this.
Howard Wolowitz: You asked me to write you an introduction to engineering.
Adult Sheldon: Yes, and if I wanted a comedy routine, I'd have gone to Billy Crystal.
Howard Wolowitz: Just let me read it. [clears throat] Engineering has a rich and storied history dating back to ancient times. Some consider it the single most important field of study known to man, from the wheel to the International Space Station, which I went to.
Adult Sheldon: Honestly, this again?
Howard Wolowitz: Like we don't hear about your Nobel Prize all the time.
Adult Sheldon: It's not my fault people ask about it.
Howard Wolowitz: Because you're always wearing it! You have it on right now.
Adult Sheldon: Look how shiny it is.
Howard Wolowitz: [sighs] Just tell your story.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Howard Wolowitz: Wait, so after all this time, that's your problem with engineering?
Adult Sheldon: Evidently.
Howard Wolowitz: So all the teasing and all the abuse had nothing to do with me?
Adult Sheldon: I'll admit, at first, I had a chip on my shoulder because of that class, but then it was mostly you.
Howard Wolowitz: Unbelievable. When will I learn?
Adult Sheldon: I could give you that answer, but if you figure it out for yourself, it'll mean so much more.
Howard Wolowitz: Goodbye, Sheldon.
Adult Sheldon: Bye.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And then he ripped up my paper right in front of me.
Mary: What is this man's problem?
Sheldon: I don't know. He didn't even use a ruler. He just ripped it up, willy-nilly.
Mary: Do you want me to call the school?
Sheldon: No, he was in the Army. I want him to think I'm tough.
Mary: Sure. Well, I'm sorry you had a bad day. How about a little trip to RadioShack?
Sheldon: RadioShack's not gonna make this better. It's also not gonna make it worse, so okay.
Mary: You got it.
Sheldon: Maybe he was just intimidated by my intelligence.
Mary: Or maybe he's an insecure bully taking out his frustrations on a little boy.
Sheldon: I like my version better where I'm intimidating and not a helpless child.
Mary: Okay, he's taking out his frustrations on a powerful and intimidating young man.
Sheldon: That works.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My own history with engineering began spring semester of my freshman year.
Professor Boucher: [enters] Good morning. I'm Professor Boucher, and this is Civil Engineering Lab. Class begins at 0900, which is... [closes door] ...now. In this course, we're going to apply the principles of static mechanical forces...
Student: [knocks on door] I'm in this class.
Professor Boucher: This class started at 0900, so... no, you're not. As I was saying... [Sheldon raises his hand] Uh, yes?
Sheldon: I appreciate your use of the 24-four hour time format. Were you aware that while often referred to as "military time," it actually dates back to the Egyptians?
Professor Boucher: I'm aware that the class is now starting at 0901. Is it all right with you if I begin?
Sheldon: Please.
Adult Sheldon: One minute in and I was already his favorite.

Quote from June

Meemaw: I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable with it.
June: You think I am? Last time he saw me naked, gravity was on my side.
Meemaw: Then why'd you ask him to do it?
June: Who else am I gonna ask, Connie?
Meemaw: You got tons of friends.
June: I've got acquaintances, I've got clients. Those aren't exactly people you want looking at your hernia scar.
Meemaw: And Dale is?
June: I got that hernia by dragging him onto the bed one night he came in passed-out drunk. Look, I'm sorry if I crossed the line, but you have nothing to worry about.
Meemaw: Okay.
June: Look, I promise, next time, I'll get the kid who mows my lawn to come over and hose me off in the backyard.
Meemaw: Call me. I'd be happy to hose you off in the backyard.

Quote from Meemaw

June: I got to admit, I'm a little jealous.
Meemaw: Of what?
June: You.
Meemaw: Why?
June: You have the Dale I never got. I spent a lot of time polishing that turd, and you get all the benefits.
Meemaw: Hey, I put my time in on that, too.
June: Not as much as me.
Meemaw: When I met him, he was a mess.
June: [laughs] You should've seen where I started.
Meemaw: Well, I think we can both agree, he is one lucky turd.
June: Amen, sister.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: What are you doing?
Missy: Watching Sheldon struggle with homework. It's so great.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Well, for the sake of honesty and because she might tell you, I was helping her take a shower.
Meemaw: You took a shower with her?!
Dale: She took the shower, I was just assisting.
Meemaw: So she was naked.
Dale: For crying out loud, we were married. I've seen her naked a million times.
Meemaw: You think that is helping?
Dale: I knew I shouldn't have been honest.
Meemaw: You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.
Dale: There was nothing sexy about it. It was like washing a car. A rusty old car.
Meemaw: Did you scrub her windshield?
Dale: What does that even mean?
Meemaw: Her boobs, genius.
Dale: I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.
Meemaw: Well, fine.
Dale: And boobs are headlights. Everybody knows that.

Quote from George Sr.

Professor Boucher: So, let me guess. You think I'm being too hard on him and you want me to lighten up?
George Sr.: He is having a tough time.
Professor Boucher: It's a tough class.
George Sr.: Look, I get it. I was in the Army, too, I-I'm all for being strict, but... he doesn't even know where he's going wrong. You know, maybe you could just point him in the right direction?
Professor Boucher: You mean, give him the answer?
George Sr.: No, no. Would you?
Professor Boucher: What do you think?
George Sr.: No.
Professor Boucher: See? I didn't give you the answer and you figured it out.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: You know it's bleak when even a trip to RadioShack couldn't lift my spirits.
Announcer: Professor Proton will be right back after these messages.
[A recruitment commercial plays for the U.S. army]
Sheldon: Of course.
Adult Sheldon: I realized Professor Boucher was pushing me to be the best me I could be. You'd think the person who could teach me to be the best me I could be was me, but it was Professor Boucher, after the Army taught him to be the best he that he could be. Now it was up to me to help us be the best "we" we could be.

Quote from George Sr.

Professor Boucher: Look... your son is obviously brilliant, but coddling him won't prepare him for the real world.
George Sr.: I've been saying that since the day he was born.
Professor Boucher: Sometimes you have to break them down to build them back up.
George Sr.: I do that with my football players. At least, I try to, but then the parents get all bent out of shape, they come into my office.
Professor Boucher: You don't say.
George Sr.: Yeah, you would not believe... Oh. Y-You mean me. Got it.
Professor Boucher: You figured it out again.
George Sr.: Hey, I'm two for two.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Did you talk to my teacher?
George Sr.: I did.
Sheldon: So, is he gonna tell me what I'm doing wrong?
George Sr.: I'm going to. You're sitting here waiting to be handed the answer and that's not how life is. You got to work for it.
Sheldon: I don't want to hear a football pep talk.
George Sr.: Hey. This isn't football. This is real. Your professor's right. Now, instead of pouting, take charge of your own life.

Quote from Sheldon

Professor Boucher: For your design assignment, you may decide between suspension bridges, truss bridges, beam bridges, just not Beau Bridges. [silence] And people say engineers don't have a sense of humor. [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes?
Sheldon: What are Beau Bridges?
Professor Boucher: That's all for today.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My dad was right. I had to take charge. And after 20 more minutes of pouting, that's exactly what I did. But despite my best efforts, I was still no closer to figuring it out. I was going to have to see my work be torn to pieces one more time. [Sheldon's pages blow in the wind]
Sheldon: Of course.
Adult Sheldon: I'd been so focused on mathematical perfection that I hadn't taken into account real-world elements. Wind can trigger vibrations. If these vibrations occur at a system's resonant frequency, then oscillation generates excitation and a bridge can lose its structural integrity.
Sheldon: Okay, I'm a genius again.
Adult Sheldon: I couldn't wait to hand in my paper and see the proud look on Professor Boucher's... [Sheldon is unable to open the locked door]
Sheldon: No! I figured it out! [Boucher points to his watch] It's wind! It's wind! I hate engineering.

Quote from Dale

June: Come in. If you're a robber, I got a gun.
Meemaw: It's Connie and Dale. Don't shoot.
June: [laughs] Oh. Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.
Meemaw: We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Dale: Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.
June: Butter pecan?
Dale: What's your second-favorite? [off June's look] I'll put this away.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: See, number one is also pretty funny, 'cause it means taking a leak. [Mary sighs]

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed your class.
Sheldon: For our first assignment, we get to build a bridge. Professor Boucher was part of the Army Corps of Engineers, and he built bridges all over the world.
George Sr.: You know, I was also in the Army.
Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps you trudged across one of his bridges. How neat would that be?
Missy: I bet Dad did cool Army stuff, too.
George Sr.: Nope. "Trudging" sums it up.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And then, at exactly nine o'clock, he locked the doors and wouldn't let any latecomers in.
Mary: That seems a little harsh.
Sheldon: He's so intolerant. It's fantastic. He also wears a bow tie, and instead of using my name, he gave me a number.
Mary: I don't think I like that, either.
Sheldon: No, it's great. It's like we're robots. And guess what my number is.
George Jr.: Number two? [Missy snickers]
Sheldon: No, number one, like Riker on Star Trek. But number two is also good. Like the pencil.

Quote from Sheldon

Professor Boucher: This course is about practical applications. This isn't about fancy theories or what works in a classroom. If a tunnel collapses, the only math that's gonna matter is the body count. [Sheldon raises his hand] You.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper.
Professor Boucher: Son, I'll learn your name if you make it to midterms. Right now, you're just a number to me.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I be number one? That's what Captain Picard calls Commander Riker on Star Trek: Next Generation.
Professor Boucher: You need to listen more and talk less. Is that clear, number one?
Sheldon: Aye, Captain.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Professor Boucher: You wanted to see me, ma'am?
President Hagemeyer: Professor. I understand you locked Sheldon out of class.
Professor Boucher: Well, he was late. That's my policy.
President Hagemeyer: I need you to do me a favor.
Professor Boucher: Yes?
President Hagemeyer: Tell me exactly what his face looked like when it happened.
Professor Boucher: Wh... Seriously?
President Hagemeyer: Oh... Paint me a picture. I want to feel like I was the one who closed that door.
Professor Boucher: Oh, I'm gonna sit for this. Okay, so he approached the door with that smug look he has.
President Hagemeyer: Ugh. I know it well.
Professor Boucher: Then, when he realized it was locked, his face fell into shock and disbelief.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs] Nice. Uh, show me. Do the face. [chuckles] [laughs] Oh, sir, you have turned my frown upside down.
Professor Boucher: You are welcome, ma'am. [laughs]

Quote from Meemaw

June: [answers phone] Hello.
Meemaw: Hey, June. Connie. Just wanted to see if you need anything.
June: Nah, I'm good, but thank you, though.
Meemaw: You sure? Groceries? Dishes? Help in the shower?
June: Damn it, Dale.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Will you please talk to him?
George Sr.: [sighs] Ooh, what if your mom does it?
Sheldon: But you were both in the Army. And you're both crabby and impatient. There's a lot of common ground.
George Sr.: You really got under this guy's skin, huh?
Sheldon: It would seem so.
George Sr.: Lot of common ground.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Could you talk to him?
George Sr.: You're in college now. Don't you think you should fight your own battles?
Sheldon: Does telling on him to the president of the university count?
George Sr.: Did it work?
Sheldon: No.
George Sr.: Then no.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: I can't figure out this engineering project. And every time I turn it in, my professor just rips it up.
George Sr.: Well, ain't this the fella you liked?
Sheldon: I did, when I thought he was pushing me to be all I could be, but it turns out all he can be is mean.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Professor Boucher: You wanted to see me, ma'am?
President Hagemeyer: Hello, Professor Boucher. Please, come in, have a seat.
Professor Boucher: I'd prefer to stand.
President Hagemeyer: Oh. All right, uh, then, I will also stand. [chuckles] You know what, um, these are really not standing shoes, so I'm just gonna sit. I was hoping that we could have a little chat about Sheldon Cooper. [Boucher is silent] I'll start. Sheldon is a very important asset to this university. And we like to keep that little fella happy. But it seems that your teaching methods are making him unhappy. You understand?
Professor Boucher: Yes, ma'am, I do.
President Hagemeyer: Great.
Professor Boucher: You'd like me to turn his frown upside down.
President Hagemeyer: You know, when you say it, it sounds more chilling than fun. I'm just saying that he's a sensitive kid, and you are... Well, whatever this vibe is.
Professor Boucher: I understand.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent, so you'll take it easy on him?
Professor Boucher: No. I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't do that.
President Hagemeyer: You see, uh... all these "ma'ams," they sound polite, but then I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
Professor Boucher: Well, that's because you're not.
President Hagemeyer: You do realize that I'm your boss?
Professor Boucher: Yes, ma'am, I do. And do you realize that I have tenure?
President Hagemeyer: Ugh, tenure. What fun is it being president if I can't threaten people's jobs?
Professor Boucher: May I get back to class now?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, fine. And fall off, or whatever it is.
Professor Boucher: It's "dismissed," ma'am.
President Hagemeyer: Just go. [Boucher laughs softly] I heard that giggle.

Quote from Dale

Dale: [answers phone] Ballard's.
June: It's me. Any chance you could swing by?
Dale: What do you need?
June: Well, the recliner won't go down, and I'm stuck in this chair like a damn fool.
Dale: Well, that is a situation. How long you been stuck?
June: Are you gonna help me out or not?
Dale: Oh, just give me a moment to enjoy it.
June: Get your ass over here and you can laugh at me in person.
Dale: Eh, I'm on my way.
June: [exhales] Thank you.
Dale: Got to grab my camera.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I finished my design assignment early.
Professor Boucher: I admire that initiative.
Sheldon: Thank you, I stayed up late to finish it. My normal bedtime is 2100 hours, but I was so excited to do it that I took a power nap in my Meemaw's back seat on the drive home. [slides document towards Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Uh, you'll need to do this again. It's wrong. [slides it back to Sheldon]
Sheldon: No, it's not. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Son, I'm giving you another chance before it's due.
Sheldon: Well, what's wrong with it?
Professor Boucher: That's your job to figure out.
Sheldon: I would argue that it's your job to teach me. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Let's see. [clears throat] To start, this bridge is in pieces.
Sheldon: What do you mean? [Boucher rips the document in two] Well, two can play at this game.
[Sheldon rips the document in two] [Boucher places the pieces in the trash can] Well, now they can't.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: So, how's it going? Do you have anybody to help you out?
June: Oh, yeah. [picks up pill bottle] These little guys. Elvis was onto something.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Till he keeled over on the toilet.
June: He was the king. That was his throne.
Meemaw: [laughs] Seriously, now, though, if you need anything at all, we are here for you.
Dale: That's right. 100%. [Meemaw slaps Dale]
Meemaw: Would you stop?
Dale: I was being sincere.
Meemaw: Well, that's for the next dumb thing you say.
Dale: Well, just quit hitting me, would you?
Meemaw: Well, quit being stupid.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: [on the phone] Hi, June. What's going on?
June: I know you have a hair appointment this afternoon, but I'm gonna have to cancel.
Meemaw: Everything okay?
June: No, I busted my knee up pretty good.
Meemaw: Oh. Does Dale know? I-I'm on the other line with him.
June: No, not yet. Yeah, you can tell him.
Meemaw: Okay, hang on. [changes line] Hello?
Dale: I'm so sorry, who's this? It's been so long.
Meemaw: I'm on the phone with June. She hurt her knee.
Dale: How?
Meemaw: Well, hold on. [changes line] How'd you hurt it?
June: Oh, it's so embarrassing. I slipped on a glob of hair gel at the salon.
Meemaw: Wait a minute. [changes line] She slipped on a glob of hair gel at the salon.
Dale: [laughs] Oh, nice. Well, that was worth the wait.

Quote from Dale

Dale: [answers phone] Ballard's.
Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Hey, what's up?
Meemaw: Oh, nothing. I just called to say hello.
Dale: Oh. Gee, I don't think I've done that in my entire life.
Meemaw: You want me to hang up?
Dale: No. Uh-uh. W... But what happens next?

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