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44Quotes from ‘A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony’

: A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony

311. A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony

Aired January 9, 2020

As Mary plans Pastor Jeff's wedding to Officer Robin, George Sr. and Meemaw team up to handle problems at home.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Fortunately, having a modem granted me access to an even better kind of friend: the kind you don't have to see or talk to.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] None of my friends had recorded the episode. I called Tam. I called Dr. Sturgis. Those were all my friends.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: The television station's in Houston. Drive me there. I'm sure they have a copy of it.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I'm not driving to Houston.
Sheldon: Well, then, I should warn you, I am very unhappy.
George Sr.: Okay.
Sheldon: In fact, I am peeved.
George Sr.: Okay.
Sheldon: I would slam this door right now, but it would startle me, so just imagine I did.
George Sr.: Okay.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Many inventions changed people's lives for the better: the light bulb, the polio vaccine, and one that doesn't get enough credit, the home video cassette recorder. It didn't help keep people out of wheelchairs, but it did keep me from missing Star Trek.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Georgie, why are there bathing suit ladies where Captain Picard should be? Georgie!

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: I'm sorry Robin couldn't be here.
Pastor Jeff: She's working extra shifts so she can take some time off after the wedding.
Mary: For a honeymoon? How nice. Where y'all going?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, we don't really plan on leaving the bedroom.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Done. I made 'em sit on the floor.
Meemaw: Smart. Nobody ever got pregnant on the floor. Have you had the talk with that boy?
George Sr.: Of course.
Meemaw: Really? What'd you say?
George Sr.: You know, the stuff you know, a father says when he has a talk with his son.
Meemaw: Good Lord. Did you tell him about protection?
George Sr.: Oh, come on, Connie.
Meemaw: Well, it's important. What if he knocks that poor girl up and ruins her life?
George Sr.: Is that a swipe at me?
Meemaw: Well, it depends. Did you knock up my daughter and ruin her life? Wait. I know the answer.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Come on, and bring that bucket of chicken out of there.
Missy: [o.s.] No, we're not eating it. What if it was Matilda's friend?
Meemaw: Honey, that one's from Kentucky. They didn't know each other.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I have a bone to pick with you, sir.
George Jr.: What'd I do?
Sheldon: You taped over my Star Trek episode.
George Jr.: So?
Sheldon: So, now I may never get to see it. What if it was a two-parter? I can't start a two-parter on part two. That's madness.

Quote from Sheldon

Jana: I think I'm gonna go.
George Jr.: Okay.
Sheldon: Hola, senorita. She's in my Spanish class.
Jana: I'll call you later.
Sheldon: Te veo manana en la clase de espanol.
Jana: What?
Sheldon: That means, "See you tomorrow in Spanish class." I was going to ask how you thought you did on Friday's quiz, but I'm guessing the answer is no bueno. Adios.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Why would you bring that pecking poop machine into our home?
Missy: To save her life.
Sheldon: What about my life?
Missy: She's not trying to kill you.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Then why was there hate in her eyes?
Missy: That's how everybody looks at you.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Georgie, we need to talk.
George Jr.: What now?
George Sr.: You're of an age where your body has urges.
George Jr.: Oh, my God!
Meemaw: Georgie, you need to hear this.
George Jr.: From both of you?
George Sr.: W-Well, who do you want to hear it from?
George Jr.: No one. But if I got to pick, I guess you.
Meemaw: Good choice. Don't forget to tell him about venereal disease.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: What's going on here?
Sheldon: Wesley Crusher was just accepted into Starfleet Academy, and for his final mission, he's accompanying Picard on a shuttle mission to Pentarus Five.
Meemaw: No. I mean who's your friend?
Sheldon: Oh, he's not a friend. He's a stranger. I met him on a Star Trek bulletin board. He had a copy of the episode Georgie taped over and brought it here.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: And I know your mom would want me to tell you to wait till marriage, but I also know you're probably not going to.
George Jr.: Did you?
George Sr.: The important thing is that when you're with a girl... [Georgie scoffs] You know how when we're running practice drills and we wear protection so both people are safe?
George Jr.: Yeah.
George Sr.: Well, there you go.
George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Same thing, but with your privates.
George Jr.: Please leave.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Actually, Mary, can I speak to you for a sec?
Mary: Sure. Um, I'll be right there.
Meemaw: Yeah, make it quick. I don't want to miss kickoff.
Sheldon: [groans] Church and football? At least 60 Minutes is on tonight.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Pastor Jeff, do chickens go to heaven?
Pastor Jeff: Well, the Bible doesn't say much about the souls of animals, but I like to believe that God loves all his creatures. Why?
Billy Sparks: My dad wants to eat Matilda.
Brenda Sparks: It's not as bad as it sounds. She stopped laying eggs, so it's off with her head and into the fryer.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I will pray for her little chicken soul.
Brenda Sparks: [chuckles] Just pray she's juicy.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: No tongue. Oh, there it is.
Missy: Where are they going in such a hurry?
Sheldon: Probably to unwrap their presents.
Meemaw: Something's getting unwrapped.
Sheldon: Told you.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I'll take the chicken problems. Girl in bedroom? [singsong] All yours.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Do I have to?
Meemaw: You want to add grandkids to this mess?
George Sr.: God, no.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Who the hell is this?
Sheldon: This is Nathan. He's been to four Comic-Cons.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Beam your ass out of here.
Nathan: Yes, ma'am. One to beam up. Energize.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation theme plays]
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Okay, that last part didn't happen, but, boy, would that have been neat.
Sheldon: That was so neat.
Nathan: Forgot my tape. [music stops, tape ejects] Energize.
Sheldon: I miss him already.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I'm sorry. I'll stop.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, even though I'm looking fly, I'm still your pastor.
Mary: Well it's more than the wedding. Overnight, I became a wife and a mother. I feel like I missed out on a lot.
Pastor Jeff: Well, sometimes the Lord has his own plans for us. And if it helps, Robin and I always talk about how much we admire you and your family.
Mary: Really?
Pastor Jeff: Your marriage may have gotten off to a rough start, but if that's what it took to get where you are, maybe God knew what he was doing.
Mary: [sighs] You know what? Let's get back to planning your wedding.
Pastor Jeff: Oh, no. You're done. You may be a great wife and mother, but you stink at this.
Mary: That's fair.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Pastor Jeff and Officer Robin finally had their ceremony, which was nice for them, but meant I had to go to church on a Saturday and watch old people kiss.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Stay back!
Meemaw: Calm down. We're taking her home.
Missy: To be murdered.
Sheldon: Okay, have fun.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [plunging] Maybe I'm being punished. Maybe I'm a bad person. That went in my mouth.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: You know it takes two people to get pregnant, right?
Meemaw: I know that. Does Georgie?
George Sr.: Probably. We got cable now.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: Hey, for your information, Mary is very happy.
[cut to:]
Mary: [crying] Robin's gonna look so beautiful in this. Your wedding's gonna be perfect.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Thank you.
Mary: She won't have to go down to city hall wearing the only thing that still fits 'cause she's trying to hide the fact that she's pregnant.
Pastor Jeff: Uh-huh.
Mary: [inhales loudly] She's gonna get the wedding of her dreams. [sobbing]
Pastor Jeff: [to the sales woman] If she cries on the dress, do I have to buy it?

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: Would you look at these sugar flowers?
Pastor Jeff: I'm too busy looking at the price tag. Judas Priest.

Quote from Mary

Mary: See? He's talking about Robin.
Meemaw: Who is Robin?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff's girlfriend.
Missy: Mom set them up, and now she thinks she's cool.
Mary: Shh. But I did set them up.
Meemaw: Cool.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Hello, Coopers. Nice to see you, as always.
Mary: Lovely sermon today.
Sheldon: I wouldn't know. I couldn't hear over all the candy wrappers and gossip.
Meemaw: That's enough. Move along.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: So, when were you thinking? Uh, spring, summer?
Pastor Jeff: Next Sunday.
Mary: Uh, oh. That is soon. Uh, you're not?
Officer Robin: No.
Pastor Jeff: Because we haven't, you know...
Officer Robin: But we would like to.
Pastor Jeff: But we can't 'cause I'm a pastor.
Officer Robin: But we can once we're married.
Pastor Jeff: So Sunday it is.
Mary: Okay.
Officer Robin: Or maybe Saturday.
Pastor Jeff: Ooh, Saturday. Even better.
Officer Robin: I cannot wait.
Pastor Jeff: Me, either.
Mary: Still here. [all chuckling]

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: George, you will not believe what I get to do.
George Sr.: What's that?
Mary: Plan Pastor Jeff's wedding.
George Sr.: Oh, isn't that nice.
Mary: Oh, it's gonna be a lot of work. They want this done by next weekend.
George Sr.: What, he knock her up? [chuckles] Been there.
Mary: No. He is a man of God. He cannot have a physical relationship outside holy matrimony.
George Sr.: Oh, so that's the rush. [chuckles]
Mary: Well, yes, but they also seem very much in love.
George Sr.: Love is great.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Missy: Your dad can't eat Matilda.
Billy Sparks: Sure, he can. He eats everything.
Missy: Billy, you've raised her from a chick. She's like your child. You wouldn't let somebody eat your child.
Billy Sparks: Does my child taste like chicken?
Missy: Billy!
Billy Sparks: Missy!

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: Georgie taped over Star Trek: The Next Generation.
George Sr.: So? Watch something else.
Sheldon: I don't want to watch something else. I want to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation.
George Sr.: And I want to feel bad for you, but I don't.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Well, um, we have a lot to discuss. Reception, flowers, cake...
Pastor Jeff: Like I said, we're just looking for something simple.
Mary: Got it. Nothing fancy. Just elegant.
Pastor Jeff: Right, but a plain, bare-bones elegance.
Mary: How many guests were you thinking?
Pastor Jeff: It doesn't have to be big. I've been married before.
Mary: But Robin hasn't. And you're our pastor. Your congregation is gonna want to share in your special day.
Pastor Jeff: Those bones are sounding less bare.
Mary: Sorry. Your small, elegant, bare-bones, unforgettable, simple, special day. Now, let's talk centerpieces.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Door stays open.
George Jr.: Why? We're just listening to music.
George Sr.: My house, my rules. And don't sit on the bed.
George Jr.: Where are we supposed to sit?
George Sr.: Just not on the bed.
George Jr.: Whatever. [to Jana] He's just mad 'cause we're young and he's not.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Oh, you can't skimp on the cake. It's the focal point of the entire wedding.
Pastor Jeff: How about this? We get a bunch of Ding Dongs, stack them in the shape of a heart. Everybody's happy.
Mary: You do not want your wife to look back at her wedding pictures and see a pile of Ding Dongs.
Pastor Jeff: I'm not sure she's gonna care.
Mary: She gonna care! [exhales] But there are more affordable cakes here that we can look at.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Mary: Maybe they have some stale ones in the back that you can disappoint your bride with.

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: All right, here I am. What's the emergency?
George Sr.: Sheldon's mad at Georgie 'cause he taped over his space show, but now he's hiding in the garage 'cause Missy brought home Billy's chicken. And Missy's hiding in the bathroom 'cause I brought home fried chicken.
Meemaw: Good luck.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Oh, come on, help me out!
Meemaw: What are you doing to help?
George Sr.: I called your ass over here.
Meemaw: Where's Mary?
George Sr.: At church planning Pastor Jeff's wedding.
Meemaw: And she left you in charge?
George Sr.: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, that was dumb.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Quote from Meemaw

Pastor Jeff: The Bible says a lot about love. "Love thy neighbor." "For God so loved the world." In First Corinthians, it says, "Love is patient, love is kind." But what does it mean to truly love someone? You see, Jesus showed us...
Mary: [quietly]You see that?
Meemaw: [quietly] No. But keep talking.
Mary: Why?
Meemaw: 'Cause I'm trying to unwrap a candy, and I don't want anybody to hear.
Missy: [quietly] How come she gets candy? I want candy.
Sheldon: [quietly] How come you're not shushing them?
Mary: Shh! Shh.

Quote from Mary

Caroline: Would you like to try it on?
Mary: Oh, no. I'm not here for me. Just helping a friend.
Caroline: Oh, too bad. That dress would be stunning on you.
Mary: Oh, I would look like a princess.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: What do you think?
Mary: How handsome! I feel like I'm in the presence of James Bond.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a license to officiate funerals.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: George. Why are you not in that bedroom?
George Sr.: Well, I'm just thinking of what to say.
Meemaw: They're teenagers. If you wait any longer, they'll be done.
George Sr.: I'm just gonna grab a beer.
Meemaw: George!

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Anyway, I am gonna be extra busy, so I'm gonna need you to pick up the slack around here. You know? The kids. Making meals.
George Sr.: Sounds good. Wait, what?
Mary: I need you to help out.
George Sr.: So, Pastor Jeff wants to get lucky, and I pay the price?
Mary: I am asking you to take care of your children.
George Sr.: And I'm asking you, why can't your mother do it?
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Fine.

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