Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Sheldon: Just think. You'll have this table all to yourself.
Tam: Actually, I joined the jazz band. Those guys have their own table in the cafeteria.
Sheldon: Oh.
Tam: They're pretty cool. The drummer's even got a goatee.
Sheldon: Well, I'm glad I knew you before you became a heroin addict.

Adult Sheldon: Later that day, we had a graduation party for me and my sister. I don't normally care for parties, but this one wasn't so bad.
Mary: Who's ready for cake?
Missy: Me!
Dale: Hey, should we say grace?
Mary: Heck, yeah! Let's hold hands.
Meemaw: Oh, cool. Let's say grace.
Adult Sheldon: Dale invited Jesus to the party, and while he wasn't on my guest list, it was okay because it made my mom happy.
Mary: And bless our friends and family...
Adult Sheldon: In fact, it was the best graduation party I had ever been to, until the one we had for my son, Leonard Cooper.
All: Amen.
Missy: Cake!
Adult Sheldon: I wanted his name to be Leonard "Nimoy" Cooper, but Amy wouldn't let me.
Amy: Be happy I let you name him Leonard!
Adult Sheldon: Okay, okay!
Amy: Love you.
Adult Sheldon: Love you, too.

Sheldon: Do you think I can make it from one end of the college campus to the other in under ten minutes, including a bathroom break?
Mary: I don't know. How important is the bathroom break?
Sheldon: Very. The class schedules are designed for fully-grown bladders, and mine is child-sized.
Mary: Then don't put your classes so close together.
Sheldon: Well, it's either this or I move my labs to Tuesday afternoons.
Mary: Is that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. That's when Professor Proton is on.
Mary: Well, we'll tape it, and you can watch it later.
Sheldon: But what if I have a lot of homework and can't get to it until the next day and one of the kids in my class spoils the episode for me?
Mary: Sheldon, has anyone ever spoiled Professor Proton for you?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: Has anyone even talked to you about Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Do you count?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Then no.

Adult Sheldon: I ended up using the class goggles that day and did not get eyebrow lice. But eight months later, I did contract a mild case of pink eye. Were the two events related? This scientist says yes.

Missy: I get it.
Sheldon: What do you get?
Missy: Why you don't want to go to college.
Sheldon: I doubt that you do.
Missy: You're scared everything's gonna be different and it'll be hard. And you're gonna miss the way that it was.
Sheldon: How do you know that?
Missy: 'Cause that's how I feel.
Sheldon: You're scared?
Missy: Yeah.
Sheldon: So what do we do?
Missy: I guess be scared and do it anyway.
Sheldon: Hmm. It's comforting to know that you feel the same way that I do.
Missy: That's why I said it, dumbass.

Waiter: Can I get y'all started with some drinks?
Meemaw: Yeah. Uh, margaritas?
Waiter: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Split a pitcher?
Dale: Mm, no, I think I'm okay.
Meemaw: More of a beer night?
Dale: No, not really. I'm gonna take a little break. I'll just stick with water.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, you know, I don't do my best thinking after I've been drinking. [laughs]

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George Sr.: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George Sr.: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Mary: Missy, how would you and Sheldon like a graduation party?
Sheldon: Why would Missy have a graduation party?
Missy: 'Cause I'm graduating elementary school.
Sheldon: That counts?
George Sr.: Of course it counts.
Sheldon: Yes, it's a big deal. She's going to a new school. New friends, new teachers.
Missy: Same clothes 'cause we're poor. [phone rings]
George Sr.: We're not poor.
Missy: So I can get new clothes?
George Sr.: We're not rich, either.

Meemaw: I want to tell you how much I appreciate you giving Georgie his job back.
Dale: Well, I didn't do it just for you. It was the right thing to do. I even forgave him for egging the store.
Meemaw: [gasps] He egged your store? That rascal!
Dale: I know you did it, too.
Meemaw: Okay, I did.

Dale: You go to church, don't you?
Meemaw: Yeah, when I'm not hungover.
Dale: Well, maybe I'll go with you sometime.
Meemaw: Really? You?
Dale: Yeah, I was thinking a little religion might do me some good.
Meemaw: Well, good for you. [chuckles] I was thinking it was a fajita night.
Dale: Your daughter runs a Bible study, doesn't she?
Meemaw: Uh-huh.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, the local news showed up to interview me and my family, which may sound impressive, but this is the same local news that covered a potato chip shaped like Texas.

Kimberly: So act natural. We're just having a chat. I'm gonna ask y'all a few questions about Sheldon's high school graduation.
Missy: I'm graduating, also.
Kimberly: Really? You're graduating from high school, too?
Missy: No, elementary school.
Kimberly: Oh.
Missy: My class is singing "This Land Is Your Land." Want to hear it? [sings] This land is your land...

George Jr.: Hey, can I ask my girlfriend to the prom on TV? It would blow her mind.

Kimberly: We're here with the Cooper family. Mary, George and eleven-year-old Sheldon, who's going to be Medford High School's valedictorian. Mom and Dad, you must be so proud.
George Sr.: Oh, very proud.
Mary: But we're proud of all of our children.
Sheldon: She has to say that.

Sheldon: I was a little worried about missing Professor Proton, but I'm going to tape it and watch it at night. Once I'm in college, can we push my bedtime to 8:30?
Mary: Let's talk bedtime when we're not on the news, honey.
Sheldon: I'm sure it'll work out since I have all summer to recalibrate my bathroom schedule.
Mary: Let's not talk about that, either.

Kimberly: Sheldon, tell us what you're gonna miss the most about high school.
Sheldon: Nothing.
Kimberly: Really? Not your teachers, your friends?
Sheldon: I only have one friend. And I don't think he's gonna miss me because he already found other people to have lunch with.
Mary: Oh, I'm sure he'll miss you.
Sheldon: And I said I'm okay with watching Professor Proton at night, but that'll never work. I get overtired... everybody knows that!
George Sr.: Maybe we could turn the camera off.
Sheldon: And the other day, I couldn't find my safety goggles and I freaked out in school, and my dad asked is this how I plan on acting when I get to college, and I said no, but it probably is because even though I'm smart, I'm just a little boy!
Kimberly: I think we have enough.
George Sr.: Cut.

Adult Sheldon: I never understood why kids didn't like being sent to the principal's office. I thought it was great.
Principal Petersen: Sheldon, you are a remarkable young man.
Sheldon: Thanks, and you're a remarkable old man.
Mary: Sheldon.
George Sr.: So you sure he's got all the credits he needs?
Principal Petersen: Yeah, between his coursework and his AP tests, he's met all of his academic requirements. He even managed to get a good grade in P.E.
Sheldon: I earned extra credit snitching on kids who were smoking behind the equipment shed.
Principal Petersen: I don't have to buy cigarettes for a year.

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And thank you for Georgie getting his job back. Amen.
All: Amen.
George Sr.: That was nice of Dale.
George Jr.: I know. He even forgave me for egging his store.
Missy: You went egging without me?
Mary: Georgie Cooper!
George Jr.: Dale already forgave me, and God has to. You can't get mad.
Missy: Ha. Burn.

Principal Petersen: One other bit of business. Since you're graduating early, and you're top of the class, that makes you our valedictorian.
George Sr.: Way to go, buddy!
Mary: I'm so proud of you, baby.
Sheldon: You seem surprised.
Mary: Well, it's quite an accomplishment.
Sheldon: Being top of the class in this school? I don't think so.
Principal Petersen: We're really gonna miss you.

Sheldon: I imagine my leaving will be hard for you.
Tam: Oh, yeah, being best friends with a little kid really boosted my game with the ladies.
Sheldon: Makes sense. I'm a conversation starter.

George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm not driving you home. I got practice in minutes.
Sheldon: Then call Mom and tell her to bring them to me.
George Sr.: She's working, too.
Sheldon: But I need my goggles!
George Sr.: Then use the ones in class. And I don't want to hear about eyebrow lice.
Sheldon: The ones in class are too big for me. What if they fall off and something happens to my eyes? If I go blind, I'll need a Seeing Eye dog, and I'm scared of dogs.
George Sr.: Hey! Is this how you plan on acting when you get to college?
Sheldon: No.
George Sr.: Good, 'cause you're gonna need to handle stuff like this on your own.
Sheldon: I can handle it.
George Sr.: I hope so.

Sheldon: Dad, you need to take me home.
George Sr.: Why? What's the matter?
Sheldon: I don't have my safety goggles. Let's go.
George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm busy.
Sheldon: You're just watching TV.
George Sr.: I'm reviewing game tape.
Sheldon: So you know how it ends. I'll meet you at the car.

Dale: Oh. Hold on. Hold on. Your chair, milady.
Meemaw: "Milady"? Where did that come from?
Dale: I don't know. My brain.
Meemaw: [laughs]

Dale: [sighs] All right, let me start by saying that I owe you an apology.
Meemaw: You can finish with an apology, too.
Dale: I'm sorry we had a fight. I'm... I'm really sorry I lost my temper, and I'm very sorry that I took it out on Georgie.
Meemaw: That wasn't great.
Dale: But I want you to know that I'm trying to change.
Meemaw: 'Cause that's what people do... they change.
Dale: I mean it. You know, I'm tired of being a cranky old bastard.
Meemaw: It's tiring for everybody else, too.
Dale: Would you please?
Meemaw: Sorry. Go ahead.

Sheldon: Where are my safety goggles?
Tam: I don't have no orange today.
Sheldon: No, I have a lab later.
Tam: Just use the room goggles like everyone else.
Sheldon: And risk eyebrow lice? They don't just like head hair, Tam. They must be in my locker. [walks off] Don't eat my fluffernutter!
Tam: I won't. [eats fluffernutter] Mmm. [imitates Sheldon] "Don't eat my fluffernutter."

Dale: [sighs] I'm admitting I was wrong, and that's not something I do.
Meemaw: What do you want from me?
Dale: One more chance.
Meemaw: I don't know.
Dale: Oh, come on. I went to three stores to find these purple flowers.
Meemaw: They are pretty.
Dale: They're not as pretty as you.
Meemaw: [laughs] Oh, God.

Adult Sheldon: The following day, I attended my sister's elementary school graduation. She didn't deliver a speech to me, but she did make eye contact while she sang "This Land Is Your Land."
Kids: [sing] From the Redwood Forest To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me...

Mary: Here you go, baby.
Sheldon: I don't know if I can go to college next year.
George Sr.: Are you kidding me?!
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Buddy, I know you're upset. But are you kidding me?
Mary: Don't listen to him. There is no pressure. If you want to spend another year in high school, that is your decision.
Sheldon: I don't know. May I be excused?
Mary: Uh, of course. [looks at George Sr. as Sheldon walks off]
George Sr.: We support you, buddy!

Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Thank you for seeing me.
Meemaw: You might not be so happy I did by the time we're done.

Sheldon: Safety pins, safety scissors, no safety goggles.
[cut to Sheldon looking under a student's desk:]
Sheldon: Did you happen to see a pair of safety goggles?
Ms. Ingram: Sheldon, we're in the middle of a test.
Sheldon: Sorry. [whispers] I can't give you the answer, but what you have is not even close.
Ms. Ingram: Out!
[cut to a girl crying in Principal Petersen's office:]
Principal Petersen: These things happen.
Girl: [sobs]
Principal Petersen: My mother had me when she was young.
Sheldon: [enters] Sorry to interrupt. I can't find my safety goggles.
Principal Petersen: Well, they're not here.
Sheldon: I have to find them. Nothing's more important than protection!
Girl: [sobs loudly]

George Jr.: Thanks again for giving me another shot.
Dale: Oh, my pleasure. And I got something else for you.
[Dale removes an envelope from his drawer and hands it to Georgie. Georgie opens it and finds it stuffed full of cash.]
George Jr.: Wow. Thank you, but why?
Dale: Well, I'm trying to get better at forgiving people.
George Jr.: Well, I'm glad to hear you say that, 'cause I'm the one who egged your store last night.
Dale: That was you?
George Jr.: Well, me and Meemaw.
Dale: Oh. It's okay. I forgive you.
George Jr.: Cool. Thanks again for the money. [exits]
Dale: Mm, forgiving people sucks.

Dale: Cheers. How is it?
Meemaw: Good. Yours?
Dale: A little watery.

George Jr.: Do I really got to sit through two graduations?
Mary: Yes. It is a special day for your brother and your sister.
Sheldon: I'm giving the valedictorian speech.
Missy: And I'm singing "This Land Is Your Land" with a bunch of other kids.
Mary: And we are proud of you both equally.
George Sr.: [holding the phone] Guess what. The local news wants to do story on Sheldon being valedictorian [chuckles] Isn't that great? [Mary gestures towards Missy] What?

Meemaw: [chuckles] Should I not get one, then?
Dale: No, no, you go ahead.
Meemaw: I don't want it to get weird.
Waiter: I can come back.
Dale: No, no. Hey, just bring her a margarita.
Meemaw: No, don't.
Dale: I insist.
Meemaw: I don't want one.
Dale: Yeah, you do.
Meemaw: It's getting weird.
Dale: Maybe come back.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Mom? [knocks three times] Dad?
Mary: [o.s.] Yeah, baby? [Sheldon opens his parents' bedroom door]
Sheldon: I'm ready to graduate. Good night. [exits]
George Sr.: That's because I supported him.