George Sr.: Where are the damn filters?
Mary: They're in the cabinet, where they always are.
George Jr.: These two, fighting like the Serbs and Croatians in Bosnia.

Mary: What is going on? Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: My stomach hurts.
Darren: He's gonna throw up.
Mary: Did you give him beer? Did they give you beer?!
[Mary follows Sheldon, Darren and Oscar into the dorm room]
Sheldon: Just root beer.
Mary: It's gonna be okay, baby. [Sheldon throws up] Oh. Why is it so colorful?
Sheldon: Too many... [gags] Skittles. [retches]

Missy: You're good at Band-Aids.
Meemaw: I've had practice on Sheldon. He's a fragile boy.

Mary: You did not just tell our son that he could stay the night by himself.
George Sr.: The campus is safe, and he's not by himself, he's with friends.
Mary: Friends that we don't know. What if there is alcohol?
George Sr.: Then they're gonna get a lot of fun facts about the history of fermented beverages.
Mary: I am serious.
George Sr.: So am I. How else would I know that monkeys get drunk by eating rotten fruit off the jungle floor?
Mary: He is not ready for this kind of situation.
George Sr.: Mary, he's a good kid. He's not gonna drink anything he shouldn't. And if he cared about peer pressure, he wouldn't wear a bow tie.

George Sr.: Where's the coffee?
George Jr.: I finished it.
George Sr.: When you finish a pot, you're supposed to make more.
Mary: Oh, is that the rule?
George Sr.: It is for him. Why are you reading my paper?
George Jr.: Well, pardon me for keeping up on events of the day.
George Sr.: Tomorrow's headline: Father Strangles Son.
George Jr.: Good luck. My horoscope says "things are looking up."

Adult Sheldon: Grown-ups and the elderly had always liked me, and now I had won over undergrads. Like a beloved board game, I'm fun for ages nine to 90.

Mary: What is your problem?
George Sr.: Doesn't matter.
Mary: Hey. [sighs] If something is going on, tell me.
George Sr.: [sighs] They're coming after me at work.
Mary: Who?
George Sr.: The boosters. They want a new coach.
Mary: Are you getting fired?
George Sr.: I don't know. Maybe. Don't you have to go?
Mary: [hugs George] I'm sorry.
George Sr.: [sniffles] Thank you.

Oscar: So, how old are you?
Sheldon: Twelve.
Oscar: Damn.
Darren: And they let you live here by yourself?
Sheldon: That room's just for during the day to study.
Oscar: Didn't I see some lady in there?
Sheldon: That must've been my mom.
Oscar: Dude, his mom is hot.
Darren: What is wrong with you? Don't listen to him. He thinks any female with a pulse is hot.
Oscar: I don't think your mom is hot.
Darren: Congratulations, you're more mature than him.
Sheldon: Don't feel bad. I'm more mature than most people.

Sheldon: I don't know. I don't think I should.
Oscar: It's just root beer.
Sheldon: This late in the evening, my mother wouldn't approve.
Oscar: Okay.
Sheldon: Then again, I didn't think they'd let me stay, and they did, so maybe it's fine.
Oscar: I know, why don't you roll for it?
Sheldon: Ooh, good idea. Seventeen. Guess I'll have it.
Darren: We playing?
Sheldon: Hold on. Do you have a coaster?
Darren: Yeah, it's in the china cabinet.
Sheldon: And where would that be?

Darren: Any chance you play Dungeons and Dragons?
Sheldon: And how. I once created a campaign set in 1940s London where Alan Turing was a character, and I had the mathematicians be magic users with theorems instead of spells. The intelligence officers were clerics...
Darren: "Yes" works. We're playing tonight and we're down a magic user. You in?
Sheldon: When are you playing?
Darren: We start at 7:00. We'll go till whenever.
Sheldon: My mom didn't let me stay past 6:00 yesterday. She'll never let me stay till "whenever."
Darren: Bummer.
Sheldon: Mm. You could play at my house.
Darren: No.
Sheldon: Bummer. I've never said that before. Did it sound cool?
Darren: No.
Sheldon: Bummer.

Meemaw: Is that why you got on sweat pants?
Missy: It gets worse.
Meemaw: Oh, boy.
Missy: I came home, and I was in the bathroom, and I saw Mom's leg razor.
Meemaw: Oh, no. Please tell me you also saw shaving cream.
Missy: [shakes head] I didn't.
Meemaw: Soap? [Missy keeps shaking her head] Water? Lotion? Anything?
[Meemaw is speechless as Missy rolls up her pant leg]

Missy: I was wearing the new skirt, and I felt really good.
[flashback:]
Heather B.: Cute skirt.
Missy: Thanks.
Heather M.: Your legs are so hairy.
Heather B.: Ew.
Heather M.: Gross.
[present:]
Meemaw: Those bitches.
Missy: [sobbing] Thank you.

Missy: I don't want to go back to school tomorrow.
Meemaw: You have to! You can't let them win. But wear pants. This is hard to look at.
Missy: I heard women in Europe don't shave. Maybe I should move there.
Meemaw: They also drink warm beer. They don't know what they're doing.
Missy: Will you show me how to do it the right way?
Meemaw: Shave? Yeah. Drink? Your dad's the expert.
Missy: Boys have it so easy. They can be as hairy as they want.
Meemaw: Yeah, but they gotta walk around being dumb and smelly all the time. Who wants that?
Missy: So I have to shave forever, then marry someone who's dumb and smelly?
Meemaw: Not necessarily, but... there's a good chance.
Missy: That's depressing.
Meemaw: That's where the drinking comes in.

Mary: [scoffs] Oh, look at these prices. I could make this dress for Missy.
Missy: [o.s.] Meemaw, make her stop.
Meemaw: Come on, Mary. You already got one kid that gets picked on.

George Jr.: Mom make you wear that?
Missy: Yeah.
George Jr.: She did the same thing to me with pleated khakis. I looked like Pastor Jeff.
Missy: Well, she doesn't know that I brought a change.
George Jr.: Good for you. I tried cutting the khakis into shorts.
Missy: Did it help?
George Jr.: No. I looked like Sheldon.
Missy: That's tragic.

Adult Sheldon: I was learning to enjoy the perks of university life, including a dorm to study and nap in. And since this was college, I was even allowed to have girls in my room.
Mary: Here we go. Nice and clean.
Sheldon: Did you use the unscented detergent?
Mary: You've got a nose. Sniff it yourself.
Adult Sheldon: I even had my own bathroom, which gave me the perfect place to store my impressive collection of sunscreens and bug repellents. However, one thing I would never get used to was college students' love of blasting rock and roll music. [video game music playing]

Coach Wilkins: Oh, I know that face. Heartburn? Gas? What are we working with?
George Sr.: Not in the mood, Wayne.
Coach Wilkins: Are you in the mood for Tums? I could hook you up.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Mom, can I please be picked up later?
Mary: No. Your meemaw's already on her way.
Sheldon: But the people next door want me to try an egg roll.
Mary: What people? Don't take food from strangers.
Sheldon: They're not strangers. They're Oscar and Darren.
Mary: Well, they're strangers to me.
Sheldon: Well, maybe when Meemaw gets here, she can wait in the car for a few hours.
Mary: That is not happening, and you know it.
Sheldon: Can we at least have Chinese food for dinner?
Mary: I'm making Rice-A-Roni. Does that count?
Sheldon: Nothing Chinese ends in "a-roni."
Mary: Well, their loss.

Oscar: I'm hungry. You wanna order something?
Darren: Chinese?
Oscar: Little man, you want Chinese?
Sheldon: I don't know. I've never had Chinese food.
Oscar: Really?
Darren: We get it, like, two, three times a week.
Sheldon: Chinese food three times a week? That seems excessive.
Darren: How have you never had an egg roll?

George Sr.: Are you saying I'm losing my job?
Principal Petersen: No. No, no, I'm saying you just got some fires to put out.
George Sr.: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Principal Petersen: Talk to the boosters. Tell 'em something encouraging.
George Sr.: Yeah. Got it.
Principal Petersen: And say it like your job depends on it. Not that it does. But it does.

Principal Petersen: Uh, look, you know your team didn't have a great year.
George Sr.: I'm aware.
Principal Petersen: I'm aware, too, 'cause I've been hearing about it everywhere. The grocery store, gas station, barbershop. And I'm only in there, like, seconds, George.
George Sr.: I know people are upset, but we're gonna turn things around.
Principal Petersen: Look, I'm on your side. But you should know the boosters got pitchforks out. Not literally, but Charlie Dean owns that feed store, so...

Meemaw: I'll get it for her. I don't mind wasting my money.
Missy: [o.s.] Please?
Mary: Fine. But you are not wearing it to school, and you are not wearing it without tights.
Missy: [o.s.] Love you.
Meemaw: Hey, I'm the one paying for it.
Missy: [o.s.] Love you more.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Hear that?

George Sr.: You never get any glory without a little pain. I know we've had our share lately, but we've got the pieces in place for next year. With your support, we're gonna make it happen.
Coach Wilkins: I think we can agree that our boys are in good hands here. So thanks for coming out. [claps] Go, Wolves.
Roy: I got a question.
George Sr.: Go ahead, Roy.
Roy: That game against Tyler. What in the hell were you thinking punting with a minute twenty-four on the clock?
Coach Wilkins: That's a fair question.
George Sr.: Sure is. That was a tough one. But our offense was giving up 30 pounds to everyone across the line. And we had a quarterback who had an uneasy relationship with... with holding onto the ball.
Floyd: So you're blaming our kids?
George Sr.: Well...
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: No?
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: No.

Darren: "You open the gate of the crypt, and you see two identical elven princesses." Sheldon, what do you do?
Sheldon: I... I don't feel so good.
Darren: What's going on?
Sheldon: My stomach hurts.
Abby: How much did you eat?
Sheldon: Well...
[montage of Sheldon drinking cans of root beer, eating chips and candy]
Darren: Dude.
Sheldon: I need to lie down. [groans] Oh, I don't want to throw up.
Darren: We don't want you to throw up.
Abby: If he throws up, I throw up.
Darren: Well, what should we do?
Abby: I don't know. Why are you asking me?
Darren: You're the closest to a mom here.
Abby: I don't know. Call his mom.
Sheldon: Oh, no, don't call my mom. She'll never let me do this again. [groans]

Sheldon: I'm trying to study, and your loud music is very distracting.
Oscar: You mean the game?
Sheldon: "The game"? I'm not up on today's one-named pop stars.
Oscar: No. It's a video game.
Sheldon: You have video games?
Oscar: A bunch. You play?
Sheldon: My meemaw and I beat Quest of Adeera.
Oscar: Dude, this kid beat Adeera.
Darren: Well, tell him to come in.

Darren: Get him something to throw up in. Oscar grabs a bowl] No, not the Skittles.
Oscar: Here, here.
Darren: Here.
Sheldon: Next door there's an emergency Alka-Seltzer tablet in my bathroom medicine chest.
Oscar: You have a bathroom?
Abby: Why does he get a bathroom?
Darren: Go throw up in your own bathroom.

Oscar: Uh, who are you?
Sheldon: I'm in the room next door.
Oscar: Oh, you're that smart kid.
Darren: Who is it?
Oscar: That smart kid.
Darren: Tell him to come in.
Oscar: Want to come in?
Sheldon: No, I'm here to complain.
Oscar: He's here to complain.
Darren: Then don't let him in.
Oscar: You can't come in.

Mary: Oh, before you open that, could you pick up Sheldon so I can get dinner on?
George Sr.: Do I have to?
Mary: I'm sorry. I guess I'll do all the parenting around here.
George Sr.: I'm having a hell of a day. Can I get five minutes' peace?
Mary: When do I get five minutes' peace? Honestly, can you just take this one thing off my plate? [phone rings]
George Sr.: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Dad, my friends are playing Dungeons and Dragons. Can I please stay the night in my dorm room? I promise it's safe.
George Sr.: Fine with me.
Sheldon: Thank you. Bye. [hangs up] That was easy.
Mary: Who was that?
George Sr.: Sheldon. He's gonna stay the night in his dorm.
Mary: Why would you let him do that?
George Sr.: One more thing off your plate.

Missy: [sniffles]
Meemaw: What's the matter?
Missy: [voice cracking] Everything.
Meemaw: Did somebody die?
Missy: [shakes head] No.
Meemaw: Then we can fix it. Come on. Come on.

George Sr.: Look, they're great kids. A lot of heart. They were getting killed out there. It's a coach's job to know when to pull back.
Floyd: So your strategy is to surrender.
George Sr.: That's not what I'm saying.
Roy: You know who don't surrender? That new coach they got up at Carthage.
Floyd: You know he played for the Packers.
Roy: Mm-hmm.
George Sr.: Oh, come on. He played for two minutes and broke his collarbone, and that was his career.
Roy: Well, that's two minutes more than you played. [laughter]
George Sr.: [quietly to Coach Wilkins] Help me.
Coach Wilkins: Vince Lombardi never played for the pros.
Floyd: So now this clown is Vince Lombardi? [laughter]
George Sr.: I'm not Lombardi, but I don't need to put up with this crap.
Coach Wilkins: Wait. What I think we're all seeing is the passion that Coach Cooper brings to the field.
George Sr.: No, what you're seeing is me running out of patience. Meeting's over.
Floyd: Oh, there it is. The Cooper Surrender. [laughter]
Roy: The Cooper Surrender!
Floyd: Bye-bye.

Mary: Well, don't you look nice.
Missy: Nice and boring, thanks to you.
Mary: Is everyone gonna be crabby today?
George Jr.: I've been a delight.

George Sr.: [sighs heavily] Apparently, the football boosters think I'm not doing my job. Just 'cause they give a little money to the team...
Coach Wilkins: A lot of money.
George Sr.: They give some amount of money to the team.
Coach Wilkins: And the new scoreboard.
George Sr.: Okay. But I-I give my time, my talent, my sweat. You see any boosters out there doing two-a-day summer practice?
Coach Wilkins: I do not.
George Sr.: Damn right. If they really want to help, you know what they could do? Give birth to stronger, faster kids, 'cause theirs ain't cutting it.
Coach Wilkins: You know you're gonna have to talk to them, right?
George Sr.: [exhales] Yes.
Coach Wilkins: And you know you can't say that stuff about their kids, right?
George Sr.: Well, what if it comes up organically?
Coach Wilkins: Maybe I should come.
George Sr.: [scoffs] I'm not gonna insult their children.
Coach Wilkins: You sure?
George Sr.: Okay, come.

Oscar: Watch out for the CyberToad.
Sheldon: What's a CyberToad?
Darren: The evil little robot frogs. Although they're only known as CyberToads in the west. In Japan they're known as...
Oscar: MechaGamas.
Darren: Can I finish my own thoughts, please?
Oscar: He's very sensitive.
Sheldon: I'm protective of my fun facts, too.

Missy: All my friends dress like this.
Mary: Arms by your sides. I want to measure. [Missy sighs] See? It's shorter than your fingertips.
Meemaw: What the hell is happening?
Missy: She wants to ruin my life.
Mary: The school dress code says that all bottoms must extend past the fingertips.
Missy: It's close enough, and they don't even check.
Mary: Well, I am not wasting good money on something that you can't wear to school.
Missy: Then I'll wear it on weekends.
Mary: Go try on something else.