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43Quotes from ‘A Slump, a Cross and Roadside Gravel’

: A Slump, a Cross and Roadside Gravel

314. A Slump, a Cross and Roadside Gravel

Aired February 6, 2020

When Georgie identifies a get rich quick scheme to mine for platinum in roadside gravel, he needs Sheldon's scientific expertise. Meanwhile, Mary is concerned when Missy takes up prayer to help with a baseball slump.

Quote from Missy

Missy: If you're unhappy, just ask God for help.
Sheldon: I don't believe in God.
Missy: [shushes] He can hear you. He knows if you've been bad or good. Like Santa, but he can send you to hell.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: "Sell blood or non-vital organs."
George Sr.: Mm, give 'em your brain. You're not using it. [Sheldon laughs] I think that's the only time I've ever heard you laugh.
Sheldon: That's the only time you've ever been funny.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: You just got to get out of your head. You you're thinking too much.
Missy: I promise thinking too much has never been my problem.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: Should I be wearing all that?
Sheldon: I recommend it. Those rocks are filthy.
George Jr.: I'm good. God made dirt. Dirt don't hurt.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Tell me, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It occurred to me that a good way to generate a positive cash flow would be to curate popular songs and make them available in a digital form. Possibly on a small device that could also be used as a phone or even a camera.
George Jr.: Right. [mocking] A phone, camera, music machine. Get out of here.

Quote from Missy

Missy: "God, it's Missy again. If you can hear me better, it's 'cause I'm wearing a cross now. Please let me get a lot of hits on Saturday. And if their star pitcher breaks his arm or gets run over by a truck, I'd totally be okay with that." Amen.
Mary: Amen.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Now we have to sift the powder again because the platinum particles are extremely small, sometimes no more than just a few atoms.
George Jr.: If I was as smart as you, I'd play the stock market. Or go on Price Is Right.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Are you still interested in getting rich quick?
George Jr.: No, I want to do it slow like a chump.
Sheldon: Oh. Never mind.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Did you know Sheldon and Georgie are working on something together?
Mary: That's nice. And guess what Missy asked me if she could wear a cross. She's in her bedroom saying prayers right now.
George Sr.: Hmm. I don't like it.
Mary: What are you talking about? Our kids are behaving.
George Sr.: Exactly. Something bad's gonna happen.
Mary: Why can't you just be thankful?
George Sr.: Because that's when life kicks you right in the plums, Mary.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] The Clean Air Act required all new cars to be equipped with catalytic converters to combat air pollution. The first state to do this was California, which led Texans to say things like-
Peg: I hate California.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] And...
Peg: When will that place fall in the ocean? [hacks]
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] While not everyone was happy about it, six years later, one particular Texan saw an opportunity to get rich quick.
George Jr.: Oh, man, I'm gonna get rich quick.

Quote from Missy

Missy: "I know you got your hands full with all that sad stuff, like disease and war and hunger and poverty, so thanks again for helping me get some hits at practice." Amen.
Mary: Don't forget to ask him to keep our family safe and healthy.
Missy: I just hung up. Don't make me call him back.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] In case you're worried, Mabel and I did finally make it to Oregon, where I remarried and lived to the ripe old age of 41.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Listen to this: "Raise bees and sell the honey for profit."
Sheldon: Do it, and I'm living with Meemaw.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Hey, what you doing?
Sheldon: Playing a historically accurate game called The Oregon Trail.
George Jr.: That sounds boring.
Sheldon: Hardly. My wagon broke an axle, and my wife died of dysentery.
George Jr.: Well, can you pause it for a sec?
Sheldon: It does seems rude to push on to Oregon while my daughter Mabel is mourning the loss of her mother.

Quote from Missy

Mary: When I'm feeling down, do you know what I do?
All: Pray.
Mary: It works. In fact, I'm gonna pray for you tonight.
Missy: Everybody prays to God at night. Do it now while he's got some free time.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Y-You're just going through a little slump. Happens to everyone.
Missy: Well, how do I get out of it?
Meemaw: When I've been at the craps table-
Mary: George, you give advice.
Meemaw: Oh, smart. Man's been in a slump his whole life.

Quote from Meemaw

Umpire: Strike three. You're out.
Meemaw: Hey, ump, you're blind.
George Sr.: She swung and missed.
Meemaw: Fine. Hey ump, you're bald. Better?

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: Oh, come on. How can I appreciate all this tension if I don't know what it's about?
Missy: Mom took my cross away, and I have a game on Saturday.
George Sr.: Why would you do that? She's out of the slump.
Mary: She was being sacrilegious.
George Sr.: Mary, this is sports. When something's working, you do not mess with it.
Mary: I am not changing my mind. God is not a good-luck charm.
Meemaw: Well, how about all the players that kiss their crosses before they go in the batter's box?
Mary: They can take it up with their mommies.
George Sr.: So she's finally hitting good, and you're gonna let her go to that game all up in her head?
Mary: Her relationship with God is more important than getting some hits in a baseball game.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Missy, will you rub your cross on my bat?
Missy: No.
Mary: Have you been doing that?
Missy: On mine. It's working great.
Billy Sparks: Please? I'll give you a dollar.
Missy: Fine.
Mary: What do you think you're doing?
Missy: Sharing God's love and making some cash. Absolutely not.
Billy Sparks: How about I give you the dollar?
Mary: God's love has nothing to do with money.
Missy: What about the collection plate at church?
Mary: That is different.
Billy Sparks: That's where I found this dollar.
Mary: Okay.
Billy Sparks: Bye.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: So now we just wait for the concrete dust to dissolve and the lead to melt?
Sheldon: That's exactly right.
George Jr.: I know. I listen.
Sheldon: And you understand it?
George Jr.: I work in sales. I don't need to know what I'm talking about to make it sound good.
Sheldon: Don't you think it would make you better at your job if you understood the products you were selling?
George Jr.: No. People don't want to hear facts.
Sheldon: I do.
George Jr.: Normal people don't want to hear facts.
Sheldon: I'm normal.
George Jr.: Are you?
Sheldon: No, I'm special.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: What were you thinking?
George Jr.: Well-
George Sr.: I don't want to hear excuses. You could've burned the school down. What do you have to say for yourselves?
George Jr.: I thought you didn't want to hear my excuses.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we didn't break into the classroom. Georgie had permission from the teacher.
George Jr.: That is not important right now.
George Sr.: So you think a teacher said it was okay for a ten-year-old and an idiot to use a 2,000-degree oven unsupervised?
Sheldon: You fibber. [gasps] You also stole my Nutter Butter.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Are you mad at me?
Mary: No.
Missy: You sure? 'Cause that's how you look when Dad had that breakfast beer.

Quote from Mary

Mary: To be honest, I'm a little concerned that I have given you the wrong impression about how prayer works.
Missy: I get it. I ask God for stuff, he gives it to me. It's not rocket science.
Mary: Missy, God does not grant wishes.
Missy: So he gave me good luck?
Mary: [sighs] It's not luck. Luck is chance, and God has a plan.
Missy: Right, and his plan is to give me what I want when I pray. That's why he's so cool.
Mary: No. I- I mean, he is cool, but sometimes that might not be his plan.
Missy: Then what's the point of praying if he's just gonna do what he wants?
Mary: You don't pray to God to get things. You pray to build a relationship with him.

Quote from Mary

Missy: This is too complicated. I'm just gonna keep rubbing this thing on my bat and kicking butt.
Mary: Okay, that is it. Take it off.
Missy: No, I need it. The game's Saturday.
Mary: There are more important things than baseball. Now, hand it over.
Missy: God, cover your ears. Damn it.
Mary: Missy Cooper! You are not ready for that. You give that back. Oh, you... Get!

Quote from Mary

Mary: "Lord, I really need you right now. I have tried so hard to lead my family to your light, but so far, Sheldon doesn't believe in you, Missy thinks you're a magic trick, and you're not a teenage girl, so Georgie doesn't think about you at all. I never thought I'd take a cross away from my own child, but what choice did I have? She was rubbing it on sporting equipment. I didn't think there was a wrong way to pray, but leave it to that girl to find one. Please give me the strength to keep guiding my family to you. I can't do it on my own. Amen."

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Oh, platinum can be extracted from ordinary roadside gravel.
George Sr.: No, it can't.
Sheldon: Actually, it can. Catalytic converters contain platinum. Microparticles of that platinum are expelled in the exhaust and are mixed in with the gravel.
George Jr.: See? This thing's a gold mine.
Sheldon: It would be more apt to call it a platinum mine. [to George] I laughed at your joke.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: This is perfect. They're mad at each other. Takes the heat off us.
Sheldon: Thank you. I had no idea what was going on.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: Mary, give her the cross back.
Mary: When she is ready for it, I will.
Meemaw: I have a bunch of crosses in my jewelry box. You can take any one you want.
Missy: I don't want another cross. I want my lucky cross.
Mary: And that is exactly why she is not ready.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm glad we're no longer in trouble for almost burning the school down.
Meemaw: Ooh. Let's talk about that.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I just got my ticket out of here.
George Sr.: Adios.
George Jr.: I'm serious. This thing is full of tips on how to make a fortune. Only cost me a dollar.
George Sr.: Is one of the tips "make a crappy newsletter and charge idiots a dollar for it"?
George Jr.: No, but not a bad idea.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: Why are we being sneaky? I thought you said we have permission.
George Jr.: We do. I just don't want anybody knowing about our platinum.
Sheldon: Smart. Last week, I bragged about having a Nutter Butter, and some rat stole it right out of my lunch bag.
George Jr.: Well, it sure wasn't me.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: I'm not going to ask some magical being to solve my problems.
Missy: I asked him to help me with my batting, and he did.
Sheldon: There's a pottery kiln in art class. We can use that. [o.s.] Georgie, I figured it out!
Missy: [to the heavens] Good job, but that does not count as one of my wishes.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Let's mine some platinum.
Sheldon: No, thank you. I don't care about money.
George Jr.: But you care about science, right?
Sheldon: Of course.
George Jr.: So I offer you the chance to do an experiment and you'd rather play a video game? What would Professor Proton think?
Sheldon: He'd be disappointed.
George Jr.: So what do you say?
Sheldon: I say we collect gravel.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: What's your problem?
Sheldon: Mom and Dad won't let me build a kiln, so Georgie and I can't finish our experiment.
Missy: Before you tell me, I don't care what a kiln is.
Sheldon: Okay, but you'll never know it's a high-temperature oven.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Are you two trying to burn down the house?
Sheldon: No, we're trying to make platinum out of gravel.
George Sr.: You're not building a 2,000-degree oven.
George Jr.: Fine. Just so you know, I was gonna cut you in.
Sheldon: Really? You'll fight for your right to party but not for your right to make a device that'll exceed the melting point of lead?
George Jr.: Shut up.
George Sr.: [to Mary] Ooh, "Why can't you be thankful?"

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: Dad, where's your power drill?
George Sr.: Why?
Sheldon: Our oven doesn't reach 2,000 degrees, so we're going to make a homemade kiln out of a garbage can.
George Sr.: And there go the plums.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: I'd rather spend my time focusing on important things, like figuring out how the universe works.
George Jr.: So, say you figure out how the universe works. Then what?
Sheldon: I'm not sure, but in the meantime, I agree with Richard Feynman. I simply enjoy the pleasure of finding things out.
George Jr.: I agree with the Beastie Boys. You got to fight for your right to party.
Sheldon: Well, it's good to have a personal philosophy.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Want to go to Dairy Queen?
Missy: I don't deserve Dairy Queen.
Meemaw: It's not your fault, honey. That other pitcher was almost a grown man. I think I saw him at the bar last night.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I have something for you. You said you wanted a cross, and this is the one I used to wear when I was your age.
Missy: It's so pretty.
Mary: I'm glad you like it. It's a nice reminder that wherever you are, God is always with you. And it means a lot to me that you want to wear it.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Where do we start?
Sheldon: The first step is to put the gravel in these colanders, and then sift it over the tray to collect the dust.
George Jr.: It's like finding money in the street.
Sheldon: Why do you care so much about money?
George Jr.: You saw Back to the Future when their dad's rich at the end, his wife is all skinny and loves him way more.
Sheldon: So you want a wife who loves you because you have money?
George Jr.: A skinny wife.

Quote from Missy

Mary: How was practice?
Missy: Great. I hit the ball further than anyone.
Mary: Sounds like a little prayer helped after all.
Missy: I guess it did.
Mary: You seem surprised.
Missy: Well, God knows everything, and I have some pretty evil thoughts.
Mary: Oh, Missy.
Missy: Ooh, what if I start wearing a cross so God knows I mean business?
Mary: You could also clean up your thinking.
Missy: Nah.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Way to go. Perfect.
Missy: Thank you, God.
Dale: How about, "Thank you, Coach"?
Missy: Thank you, Coach.
Dale: Too late.

Quote from Missy

Missy: "Hi, God. It's Missy Cooper. I know my mom talked to you about me the other day, and she's, like, your biggest fan."
Dale: Hey, what's going on? What, did you fall asleep?
Missy: Sorry, I was praying.
Dale: Oh, my apologies.
Missy: "Anyway, I could really use your help getting a hit. Amen." Okay.
Dale: Are we good?
Missy: I don't know. We'll find out.

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