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37Quotes from ‘Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper’

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Who's Melissa?
Missy: Me.
Billy Sparks: Then who's Missy?
Missy: "Missy" is short for "Melissa." Like how "Billy" is short for "William."
Billy Sparks: I don't understand.
Missy: You know how your real name is William?
Billy Sparks: I'm Billy.
Sheldon: No, we call you Billy, but your real name is William.
Billy Sparks: But my underpants say "Billy" in them. Mom, is my name William?
Brenda Sparks: [sighs] Yeah.
Billy Sparks: Then whose underpants am I wearing?

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [v.o.] Dear Connie, you may have heard I've taken a job at the new supercollider in Waxahachie. I wanted to tell you in person, but, uh, I was afraid you'd be upset. And, honestly... I was even more afraid you wouldn't be.
Meemaw: Oh, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: This also gives me an excuse to use my astronaut pen. I'm not upside-down, but if I was, it would still write. [laughs]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I may not look it, but I'm the future of physics, so just move on.

Quote from George Sr.

Pastor Jeff: Two months! Two months till this baby comes! There's so much I thought I was gonna do in my life.
George Sr.: I'm sure you've done plenty.
Pastor Jeff: Nothing cool. Look at you. You played football and rode a motorcycle.
George Sr.: Well, you save people's souls. That's neat, right?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, it's neat as neat can be, but you know that's not what I'm talking about.
George Sr.: [sighs] Look, being a dad doesn't mean your life is over. It just means it's different. Instead of playing football, I get to coach it now. I mean, high school football. Not college like I'd hoped. I-Instead of a motorcycle, I drive a truck. To work every single day. To pay the bills. [sighs] Oh. Endless bills. What happened to my life?
Pastor Jeff: Orange wedge?

Quote from Missy

Missy: I feel like this cover really says who I am now.
Sheldon: That looks like all your notebooks.
Missy: Missy got ponies. Melissa gets horses.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Will this make me look older?
Meemaw: Definitely.
Missy: But not like you older, right?
Meemaw: Right.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Missy, don't forget that you have to pick out a present for that birthday next week.
Missy: Mom, it's "Melissa" now.
Mary: [to Brenda] Middle school.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Like Batman's utility belt, my briefcase was equipped for any emergency. I don't know if the Bat-pants had a zipper, but if they did, I could fix it.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I had suffered some setbacks. But just as Edison had forged ahead on electric lighting without the help of Tesla, I was going to make it through orientation without the help of my mommy, even if she did make boo-boos stop hurting. While I had found inspiration courtesy of Thomas Edison, it was soon replaced with anger at Whitcomb L. Judson, inventor of the zipper.
Sheldon: [scoffs] Oh, come on.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You still dating that Marcus boy?
Missy: Sort of. He went away with his family for the summer.
Meemaw: Just out of curiosity, before he left, did he let you know?
Missy: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Hmm, interesting. And how long before he left did he tell you?
Missy: I don't know, a week.
Meemaw: Hmm, must be nice. You hear from him at all?
Missy: Yeah, he sent me the cutest postcard. It was a turtle surfing on a dolphin.
Meemaw: Adorable.
Missy: Pulling kind of hard.

Quote from George Sr.

Pastor Jeff: Did you feel ready before Georgie was born?
George Sr.: Absolutely. Boy, was I wrong. Why? Getting nervous?
Pastor Jeff: Well, if I can't get a crib built on my own, how am I gonna be responsible for a human life?
George Sr.: Ah, you'll figure it out. And no sense in worrying about it 'cause you never know what kind of curveballs will come your way.
Pastor Jeff: I guess that's true.
George Sr.: Mm. The doctors could tell us we were having twins, but they couldn't warn us we were having a Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: You don't think I'm gonna...?
George Sr.: Oh, no. They broke the mold. But... you could go the other way and have a Georgie, so... some terror is called for.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Wow, you're really getting this together fast. I feel like I'm not helping at all.
George Sr.: Oh, come on now. You cut those oranges into nice little wedges.
Pastor Jeff: I do it for the kids at Sunday school. They go to town on 'em.

Quote from Mary

Sam: What brings you here?
Mary: [chuckles] Sheldon's freshman orientation.
Sam: Oh, sure.
Mary: Mm-hmm.
Sam: You didn't want to go with him?
Mary: I did, but, uh, he made it very clear that he did not want me anywhere near him today.
Sam: Well, I don't know Sheldon well, but he can be a little...
Mary: Rude, obnoxious, condescending?
Sam: Oh, hey, I do know him. [both laugh]

Quote from Missy

Meemaw: What?
Missy: You said you'd show me how to hot-roll my hair.
Meemaw: Oh, right. You still want to do that?
Missy: You're cranky.
Meemaw: So maybe I shouldn't be putting hot rollers on your head.
Missy: Meh, you're always cranky. Let's do this.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Oh... Boy, I remember putting one of these together for Georgie.
Pastor Jeff: It is great having y'all next door.
George Sr.: Did you not hear me yelling at Georgie last night?
Pastor Jeff: It's okay. I'm sure you'll hear our little one crying soon enough.
George Sr.: Missy was a crier. Sheldon just learned to talk and said, "Father, I have soiled myself."
Pastor Jeff: Well, he's a miracle in his own way.
George Sr.: Oh, you just put a positive spin on everything, don't you?
Pastor Jeff: Kind of goes with the pastor territory.
George Sr.: Okay. What if I said Mary and I have not had a real vacation since we had kids?
Pastor Jeff: I like to believe starting a family will be the most rewarding adventure of all.
George Sr.: You're good. [chuckles] You could not be more wrong, but you're good.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Sheldon: I'm excited to finally use college-ruled paper and not feel like I'm living a lie.
Billy Sparks: What's college-ruled paper?
Sheldon: The lines are 18% closer together.
Billy Sparks: College sounds hard.
Brenda Sparks: You won't have to worry about that, honey.
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Help me with my clothes.
Missy: Burn them and get new ones.
Sheldon: Please, it's freshman orientation. I want to make a good impression.
Missy: Fine.
Sheldon: Which bow tie says mature enough to be in college but whimsical enough to discuss which came first, the Higgs field or the photon?
Missy: They both say weird kid who eats alone.
Sheldon: Come on. I know you're concerned about what you'll wear to middle school.
Missy: [sighs] Show me again. The blue one. Plaid's too busy.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Missy: Or don't be the kid in a bow tie.
Sheldon: This is not the day to go crazy.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: Dang it.
George Sr.: What do you think you're doing?
George Jr.: Trying to get the bike started.
George Sr.: Why?
George Jr.: So I can ride it.
George Sr.: Like hell you are! [to Pastor Jeff] Sorry.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: You don't use it.
George Sr.: 'Cause your mother won't let me. And if I can't, you can't.
George Jr.: If I get it running, can I at least sell it?
George Sr.: No.
George Jr.: But it's just sitting here. What's the point?
George Sr.: Point is I said no.
George Jr.: I can't believe someone so lame even owned a bike like this.
George Sr.: [to Pastor Jeff] Why are kids such a pain in the ass? [Pastor Jeff is silent] I'm sure yours will be great.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [on the phone] Hold on. You're not gonna be around when Sheldon starts college?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a great question. No.
Mary: John, I agreed to let him go because you were gonna be there to look after him.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. And I feel terrible about it, but... please understand, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I couldn't turn it down.
Mary: Orientation starts next week.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm aware.
Mary: [sighs] Well, I hope that you're ready to hear him freak out when you tell him.
Dr. John Sturgis: I was kind of hoping he'd just be excited I get to work on the supercollider.
Mary: Right, because being happy for other people is where he shines.
[cut to:]
Sheldon: [on the phone with John] A supercollider? Well, you can't say no to that.
Mary: I give up.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hello.
Mary: Hello, Dr. Sturgis. This is Mary Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi. Thanks for calling me back.
Mary: So, what's going on? Everything okay?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, everything is quite good, actually. Well, for me, that is. Um... did you know there's a supercollider being built in Waxahachie, Texas?
Mary: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Do you know what a supercollider is?
Mary: Not really.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like a crash course? Which is humorous because it involves particles crashing into each other.
Mary: [on the phone] I'd like you to tell me what this has to do with Sheldon.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that part's less funny. I've taken a job there.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [on answer machine] Hello, Coopers. Dr. Sturgis here. This is a message for Mary. I have some news I need to share with you before Sheldon starts college. Please call me back. [answering machine beeps]
Sheldon: I wonder why he'd want to talk to you and not me.
Dr. John Sturgis: [answering machine beeps] Dr. Sturgis again. If Sheldon happened to hear that last message and is wondering why I'd want to speak to his mother first and not him... Excellent question! It's that kind of curiosity that makes him a true man of science. [answering machine clicks, beeps]
Sheldon: I'm a true man of science.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

George Sr.: How you doing back there?
Pastor Jeff: I've never felt so alive! Praise the Lord! Let's go to Mexico!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Can you show me where the used physics textbooks are?
Jason: Follow me.
Sheldon: Normally I would prefer a fresh new textbook, but my father is a high school football coach. Which is another way of saying we're poor.
Jason: Here you go.
Sheldon: [opens book] Who owned this, a werewolf?

Quote from Mary

Clarissa: You have kids?
Mary: Three.
Clarissa: You look amazing!
Mary: Oh...
Sam: Two of 'em are twins.
Mary: I don't want to brag, but natural birth.
Jason: Whoa.
Mary: I love college. [laughs]

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Thanks again. Robin is gonna be thrilled with this.
George Sr.: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Mary. She's the one who said I had to do it.
Pastor Jeff: Just out of curiosity, did she also mention helping me build the crib at some point?
George Sr.: No.
Pastor Jeff: Well, act surprised when she does.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: With only seven minutes until my freshman orientation seminar, I was in a sticky spot. Thankfully, I was armed with an even stickier solution.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: And there's nothing wrong with breaking some hearts. If you don't do it to them, they're gonna do it to you.
Missy: Why would they do that?
Meemaw: Because sometimes men do things without thinking how it's gonna make you feel.
Missy: Marcus wouldn't do that. We're friends.
Meemaw: That don't mean nothing. You think somebody's your friend, then they just up and leave without a word.
Missy: But Marcus told me.
Meemaw: [mocking] But Marcus told me.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I made it! I'm here! [panting]
Janet: Fill this out and sign the... Um, there's a bee on you.
Sheldon: What?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [to himself] Stay calm. You can make it. [Sheldon crashes into another student] Aah! Honestly, who drinks a Slurpee at 11:00a.m?

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How's it look?
Sam: Cute.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Mary: I ran into Sam.
Sheldon: Yes, you're a person I know.
Mary: Hey, aren't you supposed to be getting your I.D. photo?
Sheldon: I got a little waylaid.
Mary: Can I help?
Sheldon: No, everything is perfectly under control. And take off that sweatshirt. You don't go to school here!
Sam: [to Mary] See? Worth every penny.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [sighs] If you highlight everything, you highlight nothing. [checks watch] Uh-oh. [to Jason] Young man, don't move these books. I have a system.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Did you know Dr. Sturgis was taking a new job?
Meemaw: What job?
Mary: He went to work on some supercollider in Waxahachie.
Meemaw: What do you mean "went"?
Mary: He's already there.
Meemaw: When did you hear this?
Mary: He just called. I was counting on him to be there for Sheldon.
Meemaw: Well, you'd think he would've mentioned it to me.
Mary: Sheldon says it's okay with him, but I would certainly feel a lot better if there were adults there that I trusted.
Meemaw: Nothing on the answering machine.
Mary: He's just a little boy, and he's gonna be on that big campus all by himself.
Meemaw: I mean, I know we're not dating anymore, but I thought we were still friends.
Mary: Excuse me. I think you're focusing on the wrong part of the story here.
Meemaw: He's little, you're worried. Please continue.
Mary: That sums it up.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: My son, the college freshman. I can't believe it.
Sheldon: How can you not believe it? You had to sign my vaccination form.
Mary: Right. So, what do you want to do first? I was thinking we could start at the bookstore, try and beat the lines.
Sheldon: I agree about the lines, but what do you mean "we"?
Mary: I mean you and me.
Sheldon: This is my first day. I can't be seen walking around campus with my mommy.
Mary: Well, it's only orientation.
Sheldon: Yes, and I'm quite capable of handling everything that I need to get done today on my own.
Mary: I'm sure you are. I just figured, with Dr. Sturgis not around, it might be nice if I could be.
Sheldon: No one else's mother is going to be.
Mary: You don't know that.
Sheldon: Well, I know mine isn't.
Mary: [sighs] You might want to watch the attitude to the person who's driving you there.
Sheldon: Not all the way there. Drop me off a block away so no one sees us together.
Mary: Sorry, I am not leaving you alone your first day.
Sheldon: Yes, you are.
Mary: For someone going into college, you are acting very childish.
Sheldon: Maybe it just appears that way because you see me with my mommy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Not so bad. [turns page] I would have highlighted that. [turns page] And someone drew genitals.

Quote from Meemaw

Woman: [on radio] Let's talk about the weather. It's going to be a beautiful sunny day today with temps reaching a high of 97.
Meemaw: Gross.
Woman: [on radio] In other news, President Bush will be traveling to Waxahachie later this month to visit the site of a new supercollider. Scientists are hopeful this will lead to exciting discoveries in the world of part... [Meemaw turns radio off]

Quote from Missy

Missy: What do you think?
Meemaw: I think you're gonna be a little heartbreaker.
Missy: I don't want to break anyone's heart. I just want to look hot.
Meemaw: Well, that you do.
Missy: Thank you.

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