Lisa: [modem screeching] What's that noise?
George Jr.: No idea.
Sheldon: Georgie, I need you to get off the phone.
George Jr.: Hang on, Lisa. I'm helping someone with their English homework.
Sheldon: I don't have time for jokes. I need the phone line to connect my modem.
George Jr.: What the hell's a modem?
Sheldon: It links my computer to an interconnected web of other computers in order to facilitate the exchange of ideas.
George Jr.: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Adult Sheldon: Sadly, that was not the stupidest thing he ever said.

Adult Sheldon: Thanks to Dr. Sturgis, I had all the intellectual ammunition I needed to bring my opponent to his knees. I accused him of conflating two different interpretations of quantum theory, woefully misrepresenting Paul Dirac, and when I called him a dung beetle in Latin, I was so riled up, I almost started producing testosterone.

Dale: Hey, Billy! You're supposed to be warming up.
Billy Sparks: I found a worm!

George Sr.: What's a modem do?
Sheldon: It allows me to connect my computer to other computers that also have one.
George Sr.: Why would you need to do that?
Sheldon: So I can share my scientific ideas with academics all over the world. It's like the cybernetic version of the Algonquin Round Table.
George Sr.: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: That's okay, you're still my dad and I'm genetically obligated to love you.

Missy: Eat dirt. Eat it.
Meemaw: Kick his ass!
Missy: Does it taste good? Huh?
Dale: Yeah, listen to your meemaw. Kick his ass!
Missy: You gonna cry? Huh? Do it. Cry.
Mary: Do something. Break it up.
George Sr.: H-Hang on. She's winning.
Mary: Missy! Missy Cooper, you stop beating up that boy!
Meemaw: Punch him in the nuts!

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering the phone] Hello?
Sheldon: I'm having a scientific argument with someone and I need your help.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do love a good science fight. Has it devolved to name-calling yet?
Sheldon: Yes. I called him a Pongo pygmaeus.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh! A Bornean orangutan. That is a creature who would be very bad at science. Well done.
Sheldon: I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: So how can I help?
Sheldon: I posted a theory on the collapse of wave function. We've been arguing back and forth and he's saying that my probabilities come out negative.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. I see. Have you considered that negative probabilities can still have meaning?
Sheldon: Ooh, I hadn't. That suggests another idea. I can argue that negative probabilities only show up in intermediate steps. I'm gonna destroy him with this.
Dr. John Sturgis: And when you do, feel free to call him a Scarabaeus viettei, a dung beetle.
Sheldon: Oh, I so admire your mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Back at you, little man.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

Meemaw: I tried to call you last night; the phone was busy.
Mary: Oh, yeah, that was Sheldon.
Meemaw: Sheldon has friends he talks on the phone with?
Mary: Well, his computer was talking to another computer.
Meemaw: Oh. And the world makes sense again.

George Sr.: Oh, yeah. Connie's great. You can have a beer with her, watch a football game, joke around. She doesn't mind if you swear. In fact, that woman's got a mouth on her.
Dale: I have noticed that.
George Sr.: Yeah. You know, I just realized something. I got more in common with my mother-in-law than I do my own wife.
Dale: That's kind of creepy.
George Sr.: Yeah. Let's hope the beer does its job and I don't remember this tomorrow.

George Sr.: So how'd you wind up coaching baseball?
Dale: Well, with the sporting goods store, you know, I've sponsored a couple of teams, and then this year, my grandson wanted to play, so it lets me spend more time with him.
George Sr.: That's nice. Yeah, I coach my son in football.
Dale: Sheldon?
George Sr.: Oh, God, no. Can you imagine?
Dale: You really scared me there for a second.

Dale: Uh, you want to switch to light beer?
George Sr.: Hey. I may have boobs, but I'm still a man.

Sheldon: [knocking] Missy?
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Sometimes I imagine that I'm an ion with a positive charge and they're an ion with a negative charge. It's so that whatever they say bounces off me and sticks to them.

Dale: Well, I-I was married for 18 years and I got to tell you, those were the two best years of my life.
George Sr.: Ah. What's it like, you know, being single at your age?
Dale: Why, you thinking about it?
George Sr.: No, no, everything's fine. Happily married, just, uh, just curious.
Dale: Yeah. Come on, now. She's not here. Well, to answer your question, it's just great. See, I get to wander around my house in my underwear, and I can make whatever bodily noises I choose whenever I choose.
George Sr.: Ah. I do that now.
Dale: Well, then, you got yourself a keeper.

Sheldon: Ooh, the long-awaited rebuttal. "While I still believe my theory has merit, I will concede that your point has some validity." My point has some validity. My point has some validity! Yes!
Adult Sheldon: That day, both my sister and I emerged victorious from savage battles. Hers fought with fists, mine with words.
Sheldon: What does my point have? Some validity!
Adult Sheldon: Although we were both pretty sore the next day.

Meemaw: You praying?
Mary: I'm asking the Lord to watch over my little girl.
Meemaw: Well, while you're at it, ask Him for a win. I got money on this.
Mary: You bet on a kids' baseball game?
Meemaw: I got three to one odds.

Dale: Well, hey, tell me something about this guy she was seeing.
George Sr.: Mm. The scientist.
Dale: Really? A scientist?
George Sr.: Yeah, not with test tubes; more with arithmetic, thinking and stuff.
Dale: Uh-huh. A physicist.
George Sr.: There you go. Yeah. Nice enough fella. Always reminded me of that cartoon owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials.
Dale: Hmm. Well, why'd they break up?
George Sr.: Uh, you know. You know, things happen.
Dale: Uh-huh. What things?
George Sr.: Eh.
Dale: Come on, now. At least tell me if there's something I need to worry about.
George Sr.: Oh, no. Connie's rock solid. Unless you put on a little weight. Then you will hear about it.

George Jr.: [answering phone] Hello.
Lisa: Hi, Georgie. It's Lisa, from English class.
George Jr.: Oh, hey. What's up?
Lisa: I was wondering if you could help me with our homework.
George Jr.: Crap, we have homework?
Lisa: You're so funny.
George Jr.: I think so. Most people don't.

Dale: Hey, Missy. Why don't you get out there and start warming up?
Missy: Okay.
Dale: And you must be Sheldon. Your grandmother told me all about you.
Sheldon: We're going to RadioShack.
Dale: Yeah, she didn't lie.

Dale: George, I figure we kind of got off on the wrong foot the other day.
George Sr.: Don't worry about it.
Dale: Well, I do worry about it. I-I'd like to take you out for a beer, if that would be okay.
Sheldon: It appears Meemaw told him about you, too.

Sheldon: It's nice that you're going to socialize with Meemaw's new boyfriend.
George Sr.: I know. She's gonna hate it.

Sheldon: Hey, Clark. Today's the day.
Clark: It's in the back. I'll go get it.
George Sr.: What's he getting?
Sheldon: A direct-connect 300 baud modem.
George Sr.: How much?
Sheldon: Don't worry, I'm using my allowance. Plus, Clark gave me a healthy discount for helping with his application to medical school.

Mary: Missy, how was practice?
Missy: So good.
Meemaw: Tell us everything.
Missy: The boys were a little mean at first, but I handled it.
[flashback:]
Missy: Can I warm up with you?
Rick: I don't play baseball with girls.
Missy: Really? Your friend's playing with one.
Luke: Ooh!
[back]
Meemaw: I am so proud of you.

Lisa: Hi, Georgie.
George Jr.: Hey.
Lisa: I like that jacket.
George Jr.: Then you'll probably like my pants; they're made of the same stuff.

Sheldon: Ooh! Someone responded to a theory I posted on the physics bulletin board. He called my work flawed.
Missy: That's rude. Let him know he can't push you around. That's what I did at baseball practice.
Sheldon: I'd rather not resort to name-calling. It usually gets me stuffed somewhere uncomfortable.
Missy: That's in person, where people know you're pathetic and weak.
Sheldon: That's true. This is completely anonymous. I can say whatever I want without fear of physical retaliation. Thanks.
Adult Sheldon: And on that day, my sister created the first Internet flame war.
Sheldon: Ooh, that is as cruel as it is grammatical. And send.

Sheldon: It's just so easy. All you do is type in the Usenet address: "sci dot theory dot physics dot research dot quantum." Press enter, and it comes right up. [modem screeching]
Tam: Careful. In WarGames, Matthew Broderick almost blew up the world.
Sheldon: The only thing I'm gonna be blowing up is this fellow's flimsy argument. That was one of my classic jokes; feel free to laugh. [modem finally stops screeching] See? Like magic.

Missy: Get out, I need to change.
Sheldon: You seem upset.
Missy: I am.
Sheldon: I was right? Good for me.
Missy: Just get out. Wait. You get picked on all the time. How do you deal with it?
Sheldon: Who's picking on you?
Missy: It doesn't matter, just tell me.
Sheldon: I usually start by telling myself how much smarter I am than the person who's picking on me, but that won't work for you.
Missy: Out.

George Sr.: Morning. Just a reminder, I'm gonna be late tonight. Hanging with my new buddy Dale.
Meemaw: Well, I hope you two have fun together.
George Sr.: Oh, we will. So much to talk about.
Mary: You better respect her privacy.
George Sr.: Oh, I don't plan on doing that at all.
Meemaw: Don't you need to go to work?
George Sr.: Yes, but I don't want to leave until I know you're upset.
Meemaw: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not.
George Sr.: Yeah, you are. Bye.

Brenda Sparks: [on the phone] Listen, I'm just doing you a favor. The other moms on the team are starting to talk.
Mary: Well, maybe the other moms need to mind their own business.
Brenda Sparks: Come on, Mary. Isn't one weird kid in your family enough? You going for a record?
Mary: [hanging up] You're playing baseball.
Missy: But you said it was my decision.
Mary: It is. And you're playing.

Meemaw: Can I top off your coffee?
George Sr.: Well, that's awfully nice of you.
Meemaw: You know me. I'm a pleaser.
George Sr.: You just want to know what I talked about with Dale.
Meemaw: Not really.
George Sr.: I promise you got nothing to worry about. I didn't say a thing.
Meemaw: Thank you. So what'd you find out about him?
George Sr.: Oh, I see how this works.
Meemaw: You're damn straight that's how it works. Now spill.

George Sr.: Well, let's see. Uh, he likes to drink, likes to hunt. Uh, he's got a son who's divorced.
Meemaw: I know all this. Go on.
George Sr.: That's all I got.
Meemaw: You are useless.
George Sr.: When he comes to his senses and dumps you, I'm gonna stay friends with him.
Meemaw: Good. If he dumps me, he deserves to suffer.

George Sr.: Guess who I'm grabbing a beer with. Your new friend, Dale.
Meemaw: Are you kidding me?
Sheldon: You were right, she's not happy.

Mary: [answering phone] Hello?
Brenda Sparks: I heard your daughter's playing baseball.
Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: What were you thinking?
Mary: Excuse me?
Brenda Sparks: My Billy's on that team. Baseball's for boys.
Mary: Says who?
Brenda Sparks: Says everyone. It's not ladylike. [to Billy] Save some pudding for your father!
Billy Sparks: Aw.
Brenda Sparks: Okay, where was I?
Mary: You were telling me what was ladylike and then yelled at your son like a dock foreman.

Mary: I'm sorry those girls were so mean.
Missy: They didn't just call me a boy. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch. No one talked to me at recess.
Mary: Aw, baby.
Missy: Somebody crossed out "Missy Cooper" in my notebook and wrote "Mister Cooper."
Mary: Well, if that's what they're like, maybe you don't want them as friends.
Missy: I don't think I want to play baseball anymore.
Mary: If that's what you want, it's your decision.

George Sr.: You sure you don't want me to stay?
Sheldon: You promised you'd take me to RadioShack.
George Sr.: Sheldon, this is a big day for your sister.
Missy: I'm fine, Dad.
George Sr.: Come on. I really don't want to go to RadioShack.

George Sr.: Ejected from your very first game. I'm proud of you, slugger.
Missy: Thanks, Dad.
Meemaw: Dairy Queen's on me.
Mary: To be clear, we are not rewarding violence. But I am glad you didn't let those girls from school bully you into quitting.
Missy: I should rub their faces in the dirt.
George Sr.: That's my girl.
Meemaw: Someone's getting extra sprinkles tonight.
George Sr.: Ooh, hooray for violence.

George Jr.: Veronica.
Veronica: Hey, Georgie. What's up?
George Jr.: We're-we're friends, right?
Veronica: Yeah.
George Jr.: We're just friends?
Veronica: What do you mean?
George Jr.: Well, I've asked you out a bunch and you've made it pretty clear you weren't interested, but before I asked out another girl, I just wanted to make sure that-
Veronica: It's fine.
George Jr.: You sure? Because if it's not-
Veronica: Georgie, I need to focus on my relationship with God right now, but I'm really happy for you.