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36Quotes from ‘Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting’

Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting

307. Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting

Aired November 14, 2019

When Sheldon gets a modem, he starts a flame war on a physics discussion board. Meanwhile, Meemaw is concerned when George spends time with her new boyfriend, while things aren't easy for Missy on or off the baseball field.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: What's a modem do?
Sheldon: It allows me to connect my computer to other computers that also have one.
George Sr.: Why would you need to do that?
Sheldon: So I can share my scientific ideas with academics all over the world. It's like the cybernetic version of the Algonquin Round Table.
George Sr.: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: That's okay, you're still my dad and I'm genetically obligated to love you.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I tried to call you last night; the phone was busy.
Mary: Oh, yeah, that was Sheldon.
Meemaw: Sheldon has friends he talks on the phone with?
Mary: Well, his computer was talking to another computer.
Meemaw: Oh. And the world makes sense again.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: So how'd you wind up coaching baseball?
Dale: Well, with the sporting goods store, you know, I've sponsored a couple of teams, and then this year, my grandson wanted to play, so it lets me spend more time with him.
George Sr.: That's nice. Yeah, I coach my son in football.
Dale: Sheldon?
George Sr.: Oh, God, no. Can you imagine?
Dale: You really scared me there for a second.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Oh, yeah. Connie's great. You can have a beer with her, watch a football game, joke around. She doesn't mind if you swear. In fact, that woman's got a mouth on her.
Dale: I have noticed that.
George Sr.: Yeah. You know, I just realized something. I got more in common with my mother-in-law than I do my own wife.
Dale: That's kind of creepy.
George Sr.: Yeah. Let's hope the beer does its job and I don't remember this tomorrow.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Thanks to Dr. Sturgis, I had all the intellectual ammunition I needed to bring my opponent to his knees. I accused him of conflating two different interpretations of quantum theory, woefully misrepresenting Paul Dirac, and when I called him a dung beetle in Latin, I was so riled up, I almost started producing testosterone.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Lisa: [modem screeching] What's that noise?
George Jr.: No idea.
Sheldon: Georgie, I need you to get off the phone.
George Jr.: Hang on, Lisa. I'm helping someone with their English homework.
Sheldon: I don't have time for jokes. I need the phone line to connect my modem.
George Jr.: What the hell's a modem?
Sheldon: It links my computer to an interconnected web of other computers in order to facilitate the exchange of ideas.
George Jr.: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Adult Sheldon: Sadly, that was not the stupidest thing he ever said.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Dale: Hey, Billy! You're supposed to be warming up.
Billy Sparks: I found a worm!

Quote from Dale

Dale: Hey, Missy. Why don't you get out there and start warming up?
Missy: Okay.
Dale: And you must be Sheldon. Your grandmother told me all about you.
Sheldon: We're going to RadioShack.
Dale: Yeah, she didn't lie.

Quote from Sheldon

Dale: George, I figure we kind of got off on the wrong foot the other day.
George Sr.: Don't worry about it.
Dale: Well, I do worry about it. I-I'd like to take you out for a beer, if that would be okay.
Sheldon: It appears Meemaw told him about you, too.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: It's nice that you're going to socialize with Meemaw's new boyfriend.
George Sr.: I know. She's gonna hate it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hey, Clark. Today's the day.
Clark: It's in the back. I'll go get it.
George Sr.: What's he getting?
Sheldon: A direct-connect 300 baud modem.
George Sr.: How much?
Sheldon: Don't worry, I'm using my allowance. Plus, Clark gave me a healthy discount for helping with his application to medical school.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Missy, how was practice?
Missy: So good.
Meemaw: Tell us everything.
Missy: The boys were a little mean at first, but I handled it.
[flashback:]
Missy: Can I warm up with you?
Rick: I don't play baseball with girls.
Missy: Really? Your friend's playing with one.
Luke: Ooh!
[back]
Meemaw: I am so proud of you.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: [answering phone] Hello.
Lisa: Hi, Georgie. It's Lisa, from English class.
George Jr.: Oh, hey. What's up?
Lisa: I was wondering if you could help me with our homework.
George Jr.: Crap, we have homework?
Lisa: You're so funny.
George Jr.: I think so. Most people don't.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ooh! Someone responded to a theory I posted on the physics bulletin board. He called my work flawed.
Missy: That's rude. Let him know he can't push you around. That's what I did at baseball practice.
Sheldon: I'd rather not resort to name-calling. It usually gets me stuffed somewhere uncomfortable.
Missy: That's in person, where people know you're pathetic and weak.
Sheldon: That's true. This is completely anonymous. I can say whatever I want without fear of physical retaliation. Thanks.
Adult Sheldon: And on that day, my sister created the first Internet flame war.
Sheldon: Ooh, that is as cruel as it is grammatical. And send.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: It's just so easy. All you do is type in the Usenet address: "sci dot theory dot physics dot research dot quantum." Press enter, and it comes right up. [modem screeching]
Tam: Careful. In WarGames, Matthew Broderick almost blew up the world.
Sheldon: The only thing I'm gonna be blowing up is this fellow's flimsy argument. That was one of my classic jokes; feel free to laugh. [modem finally stops screeching] See? Like magic.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Get out, I need to change.
Sheldon: You seem upset.
Missy: I am.
Sheldon: I was right? Good for me.
Missy: Just get out. Wait. You get picked on all the time. How do you deal with it?
Sheldon: Who's picking on you?
Missy: It doesn't matter, just tell me.
Sheldon: I usually start by telling myself how much smarter I am than the person who's picking on me, but that won't work for you.
Missy: Out.

Quote from George Jr.

Lisa: Hi, Georgie.
George Jr.: Hey.
Lisa: I like that jacket.
George Jr.: Then you'll probably like my pants; they're made of the same stuff.

Quote from George Sr.

Dale: Well, I-I was married for 18 years and I got to tell you, those were the two best years of my life.
George Sr.: Ah. What's it like, you know, being single at your age?
Dale: Why, you thinking about it?
George Sr.: No, no, everything's fine. Happily married, just, uh, just curious.
Dale: Yeah. Come on, now. She's not here. Well, to answer your question, it's just great. See, I get to wander around my house in my underwear, and I can make whatever bodily noises I choose whenever I choose.
George Sr.: Ah. I do that now.
Dale: Well, then, you got yourself a keeper.

Quote from George Sr.

Dale: Well, hey, tell me something about this guy she was seeing.
George Sr.: Mm. The scientist.
Dale: Really? A scientist?
George Sr.: Yeah, not with test tubes; more with arithmetic, thinking and stuff.
Dale: Uh-huh. A physicist.
George Sr.: There you go. Yeah. Nice enough fella. Always reminded me of that cartoon owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials.
Dale: Hmm. Well, why'd they break up?
George Sr.: Uh, you know. You know, things happen.
Dale: Uh-huh. What things?
George Sr.: Eh.
Dale: Come on, now. At least tell me if there's something I need to worry about.
George Sr.: Oh, no. Connie's rock solid. Unless you put on a little weight. Then you will hear about it.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering the phone] Hello?
Sheldon: I'm having a scientific argument with someone and I need your help.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do love a good science fight. Has it devolved to name-calling yet?
Sheldon: Yes. I called him a Pongo pygmaeus.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh! A Bornean orangutan. That is a creature who would be very bad at science. Well done.
Sheldon: I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: So how can I help?
Sheldon: I posted a theory on the collapse of wave function. We've been arguing back and forth and he's saying that my probabilities come out negative.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. I see. Have you considered that negative probabilities can still have meaning?
Sheldon: Ooh, I hadn't. That suggests another idea. I can argue that negative probabilities only show up in intermediate steps. I'm gonna destroy him with this.
Dr. John Sturgis: And when you do, feel free to call him a Scarabaeus viettei, a dung beetle.
Sheldon: Oh, I so admire your mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Back at you, little man.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You praying?
Mary: I'm asking the Lord to watch over my little girl.
Meemaw: Well, while you're at it, ask Him for a win. I got money on this.
Mary: You bet on a kids' baseball game?
Meemaw: I got three to one odds.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Eat dirt. Eat it.
Meemaw: Kick his ass!
Missy: Does it taste good? Huh?
Dale: Yeah, listen to your meemaw. Kick his ass!
Missy: You gonna cry? Huh? Do it. Cry.
Mary: Do something. Break it up.
George Sr.: H-Hang on. She's winning.
Mary: Missy! Missy Cooper, you stop beating up that boy!
Meemaw: Punch him in the nuts!

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Sheldon: Ooh, the long-awaited rebuttal. "While I still believe my theory has merit, I will concede that your point has some validity." My point has some validity. My point has some validity! Yes!
Adult Sheldon: That day, both my sister and I emerged victorious from savage battles. Hers fought with fists, mine with words.
Sheldon: What does my point have? Some validity!
Adult Sheldon: Although we were both pretty sore the next day.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [knocking] Missy?
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Sometimes I imagine that I'm an ion with a positive charge and they're an ion with a negative charge. It's so that whatever they say bounces off me and sticks to them.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: You sure you don't want me to stay?
Sheldon: You promised you'd take me to RadioShack.
George Sr.: Sheldon, this is a big day for your sister.
Missy: I'm fine, Dad.
George Sr.: Come on. I really don't want to go to RadioShack.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Guess who I'm grabbing a beer with. Your new friend, Dale.
Meemaw: Are you kidding me?
Sheldon: You were right, she's not happy.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Morning. Just a reminder, I'm gonna be late tonight. Hanging with my new buddy Dale.
Meemaw: Well, I hope you two have fun together.
George Sr.: Oh, we will. So much to talk about.
Mary: You better respect her privacy.
George Sr.: Oh, I don't plan on doing that at all.
Meemaw: Don't you need to go to work?
George Sr.: Yes, but I don't want to leave until I know you're upset.
Meemaw: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not.
George Sr.: Yeah, you are. Bye.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Veronica.
Veronica: Hey, Georgie. What's up?
George Jr.: We're-we're friends, right?
Veronica: Yeah.
George Jr.: We're just friends?
Veronica: What do you mean?
George Jr.: Well, I've asked you out a bunch and you've made it pretty clear you weren't interested, but before I asked out another girl, I just wanted to make sure that-
Veronica: It's fine.
George Jr.: You sure? Because if it's not-
Veronica: Georgie, I need to focus on my relationship with God right now, but I'm really happy for you.

Quote from Missy

Mary: I'm sorry those girls were so mean.
Missy: They didn't just call me a boy. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch. No one talked to me at recess.
Mary: Aw, baby.
Missy: Somebody crossed out "Missy Cooper" in my notebook and wrote "Mister Cooper."
Mary: Well, if that's what they're like, maybe you don't want them as friends.
Missy: I don't think I want to play baseball anymore.
Mary: If that's what you want, it's your decision.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [answering phone] Hello?
Brenda Sparks: I heard your daughter's playing baseball.
Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: What were you thinking?
Mary: Excuse me?
Brenda Sparks: My Billy's on that team. Baseball's for boys.
Mary: Says who?
Brenda Sparks: Says everyone. It's not ladylike. [to Billy] Save some pudding for your father!
Billy Sparks: Aw.
Brenda Sparks: Okay, where was I?
Mary: You were telling me what was ladylike and then yelled at your son like a dock foreman.

Quote from Mary

Brenda Sparks: [on the phone] Listen, I'm just doing you a favor. The other moms on the team are starting to talk.
Mary: Well, maybe the other moms need to mind their own business.
Brenda Sparks: Come on, Mary. Isn't one weird kid in your family enough? You going for a record?
Mary: [hanging up] You're playing baseball.
Missy: But you said it was my decision.
Mary: It is. And you're playing.

Quote from George Sr.

Dale: Uh, you want to switch to light beer?
George Sr.: Hey. I may have boobs, but I'm still a man.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Can I top off your coffee?
George Sr.: Well, that's awfully nice of you.
Meemaw: You know me. I'm a pleaser.
George Sr.: You just want to know what I talked about with Dale.
Meemaw: Not really.
George Sr.: I promise you got nothing to worry about. I didn't say a thing.
Meemaw: Thank you. So what'd you find out about him?
George Sr.: Oh, I see how this works.
Meemaw: You're damn straight that's how it works. Now spill.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Well, let's see. Uh, he likes to drink, likes to hunt. Uh, he's got a son who's divorced.
Meemaw: I know all this. Go on.
George Sr.: That's all I got.
Meemaw: You are useless.
George Sr.: When he comes to his senses and dumps you, I'm gonna stay friends with him.
Meemaw: Good. If he dumps me, he deserves to suffer.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Ejected from your very first game. I'm proud of you, slugger.
Missy: Thanks, Dad.
Meemaw: Dairy Queen's on me.
Mary: To be clear, we are not rewarding violence. But I am glad you didn't let those girls from school bully you into quitting.
Missy: I should rub their faces in the dirt.
George Sr.: That's my girl.
Meemaw: Someone's getting extra sprinkles tonight.
George Sr.: Ooh, hooray for violence.

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