Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] So how can I help?
Sheldon: I posted a theory on the collapse of wave function. We've been arguing back and forth and he's saying that my probabilities come out negative.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. I see. Have you considered that negative probabilities can still have meaning?
Sheldon: Ooh, I hadn't. That suggests another idea. I can argue that negative probabilities only show up in intermediate steps. I'm gonna destroy him with this.
Dr. John Sturgis: And when you do, feel free to call him a Scarabaeus viettei, a dung beetle.
Sheldon: Oh, I so admire your mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Back at you, little man.

George: So how'd you wind up coaching baseball?
Dale: Well, with the sporting goods store, you know, I've sponsored a couple of teams, and then this year, my grandson wanted to play, so it lets me spend more time with him.
George: That's nice. Yeah, I coach my son in football.
Dale: Sheldon?
George: Oh, God, no. Can you imagine?
Dale: You really scared me there for a second.

George: Oh, yeah. Connie's great. You can have a beer with her, watch a football game, joke around. She doesn't mind if you swear. In fact, that woman's got a mouth on her.
Dale: I have noticed that.
George: Yeah. You know, I just realized something. I got more in common with my mother-in-law than I do my own wife.
Dale: That's kind of creepy.
George: Yeah. Let's hope the beer does its job and I don't remember this tomorrow.

Adult Sheldon: Thanks to Dr. Sturgis, I had all the intellectual ammunition I needed to bring my opponent to his knees. I accused him of conflating two different interpretations of quantum theory, woefully misrepresenting Paul Dirac, and when I called him a dung beetle in Latin, I was so riled up, I almost started producing testosterone.

Lisa: [modem screeching] What's that noise?
Georgie: No idea.
Sheldon: Georgie, I need you to get off the phone.
Georgie: Hang on, Lisa. I'm helping someone with their English homework.
Sheldon: I don't have time for jokes. I need the phone line to connect my modem.
Georgie: What the hell's a modem?
Sheldon: It links my computer to an interconnected web of other computers in order to facilitate the exchange of ideas.
Georgie: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Adult Sheldon: Sadly, that was not the stupidest thing he ever said.

Dale: Hey, Billy! You're supposed to be warming up.
Billy Sparks: I found a worm!

Missy: Eat dirt. Eat it.
Meemaw: Kick his ass!
Missy: Does it taste good? Huh?
Dale: Yeah, listen to your meemaw. Kick his ass!
Missy: You gonna cry? Huh? Do it. Cry.
Mary: Do something. Break it up.
George: H-Hang on. She's winning.
Mary: Missy! Missy Cooper, you stop beating up that boy!
Meemaw: Punch him in the nuts!

George: What's a modem do?
Sheldon: It allows me to connect my computer to other computers that also have one.
George: Why would you need to do that?
Sheldon: So I can share my scientific ideas with academics all over the world. It's like the cybernetic version of the Algonquin Round Table.
George: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: That's okay, you're still my dad and I'm genetically obligated to love you.

Dale: George, I figure we kind of got off on the wrong foot the other day.
George: Don't worry about it.
Dale: Well, I do worry about it. I-I'd like to take you out for a beer, if that would be okay.
Sheldon: It appears Meemaw told him about you, too.

Sheldon: It's nice that you're going to socialize with Meemaw's new boyfriend.
George: I know. She's gonna hate it.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

Meemaw: I tried to call you last night; the phone was busy.
Mary: Oh, yeah, that was Sheldon.
Meemaw: Sheldon has friends he talks on the phone with?
Mary: Well, his computer was talking to another computer.
Meemaw: Oh. And the world makes sense again.

Mary: [answering phone] Hello?
Brenda Sparks: I heard your daughter's playing baseball.
Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: What were you thinking?
Mary: Excuse me?
Brenda Sparks: My Billy's on that team. Baseball's for boys.
Mary: Says who?
Brenda Sparks: Says everyone. It's not ladylike. [to Billy] Save some pudding for your father!
Billy Sparks: Aw.
Brenda Sparks: Okay, where was I?
Mary: You were telling me what was ladylike and then yelled at your son like a dock foreman.

Dale: Hey, Missy. Why don't you get out there and start warming up?
Missy: Okay.
Dale: And you must be Sheldon. Your grandmother told me all about you.
Sheldon: We're going to RadioShack.
Dale: Yeah, she didn't lie.

Sheldon: Ooh! Someone responded to a theory I posted on the physics bulletin board. He called my work flawed.
Missy: That's rude. Let him know he can't push you around. That's what I did at baseball practice.
Sheldon: I'd rather not resort to name-calling. It usually gets me stuffed somewhere uncomfortable.
Missy: That's in person, where people know you're pathetic and weak.
Sheldon: That's true. This is completely anonymous. I can say whatever I want without fear of physical retaliation. Thanks.
Adult Sheldon: And on that day, my sister created the first Internet flame war.
Sheldon: Ooh, that is as cruel as it is grammatical. And send.