Pastor Jeff: Dear Heavenly Father, as we return to school, we look to your eternal...
Billy Sparks: [stands] I pledge allegiance to the...
Pastor Jeff: Billy, it's not the pledge.

Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: She didn't want you to walk her in?
Mary: No. How about Billy?
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I walked him in. Found his homeroom. Explained that "homeroom" is different than his room at home. Still not sure he gets it.
Mary: Tough day.
Brenda Sparks: Yeah.
Mary: You want to get some coffee?
Brenda Sparks: I was thinking vodka, but coffee will do.

Sheldon: I stopped at the library today and picked up books on epistemology, Descartes's dream argument and the foundations of scientific logic. Do you know what she's going to do?
Meemaw: Rue the day?
Sheldon: The day, the night. If it's rue-able, she's going to rue it.

Missy: And in math class, I sit right between Heather M. and Heather B.
Mary: It's nice you're with your friends.
Missy: It's more than nice. All notes go through me. That's power.

Professor Ericson: So we learned that the theory of knowledge poses some very serious problems.
Sheldon: [enters] Excuse me, Professor Ericson. I've done a little reading since last we spoke, and I'm prepared to show you that everything we know about science is true.
Professor Ericson: Well, I am all ears.
Sheldon: You said I couldn't truly know anything, but there is one thing that I do know. If I question, I must think; If I think, I must exist. Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am.
Professor Ericson: You're right.
Sheldon: You're darn right I'm right.
Professor Ericson: Guys, g-give it up for Sheldon. [applause] Now for a job well done... here is a flower full of sweet nectar.
Sheldon: Why would I want that?
Professor Ericson: Because you're a butterfly and this is just your dream.
Sheldon: I'm not a butterfly.
Professor Ericson: Are you sure? [laughs]
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: It was a dream. Oh, no. [camera pans out] Help! I'm a butterfly! Nothing I know is real! Everything is a dream! Missy, help! [Missy holds a fly swatter] No!
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: Missy, am I awake or is this a dream?
Missy: Shut up, dingus.
Sheldon: Okay, I'm awake.

Missy: And at lunch, an eighth-grade boy said, and I quote, "I like Funyuns, too."
Mary: Wow.
Missy: I know.

Missy: That's the Fresh Prince. He's from West Philadelphia. Born and raised.

Mary: How about Billy?
Brenda Sparks: Not much better.
Mary: Oh.
Brenda Sparks: In Spanish class, every time the teacher said "Sí," Billy said, "See what?"
Mary: Oh, Billy.
Brenda Sparks: I know, but if I don't laugh about it I'll cry.
Mary: I'm sorry.

Mary: Shelly, you feeling all right?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: How come you're not dressed?
Sheldon: Why should I?
Mary: 'Cause you're gonna be late for school.
Sheldon: I'm not going to school.
Mary: Why not?
Sheldon: Because I don't know what's real.
Mary: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Dreaming and waking, life and death, philosophers and butterflies, they're all the same. Nothing matters.
Mary: That's an interesting way of looking at things. George?

Pastor Jeff: Since everyone is going back to school tomorrow, let's finish up with a back-to-school prayer. [Sheldon raises his hand] What?
Sheldon: Does this prayer just apply to middle school, or is it appropriate for the college-bound?
Pastor Jeff: It's for everyone. But thank you once again for reminding us you're starting college.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't mind. You've got a lot on your plate.
Pastor Jeff: Just pray.

Sheldon: Normally I don't like facial hair, but Spock makes it work.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: I'm watching Star Trek: The Original Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry, I'm not up on my cartoons.
Sheldon: It's not a cartoon. It's a live-action science fiction show. Although there is one called Star Trek: The Animated Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I believe you. I was wondering if I can speak with your mommy.
Sheldon: Sure. Hold on. [shouts] Mom, Dr. Linkletter's on the phone. [on the phone] While we wait, here's a fun fact. In the animated series, Kukulkan was played by James Doohan.
Mary: [on the line] Hello?
Sheldon: James Doohan played Scotty on Star Trek: The Original Series.
Mary: Sheldon, I've got it.
Sheldon: He tried several accents before settling on Scottish.
Mary: Sheldon, hang up.
Sheldon: Okay. He felt the Scots were excellent engineers. Bye.

Georgie: Can I take your truck tomorrow?
George: Well, I think you're riding with me.
Mary: Sorry, I'm taking Missy to school, and Meemaw's taking Sheldon.
Georgie: Well, can I at least drive?
George: Sure.
Georgie: While you hide in the back under a tarp?
George: [to Mary] Stop praying for him and focus on the other two.

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon. How wonderfully early it is to see you. If you've come by for a snack, I picked you up some crackers shaped like fish.
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that I don't need you to babysit me. I'm perfectly self-reliant.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. I'm not very comfortable around children, even with your level of maturity. How old are you? Six? Seven?
Sheldon: Eleven.
Dr. Linkletter: I see. Then it's good I kept the receipt for this bottle of bubbles shaped like a bear.
Sheldon: I should get going. My philosophy class starts in a few minutes.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, yes, the great thinkers. Socrates, Plato. Speaking of which, I got you some Play-Doh.

Professor Ericson: Very well, Mr. Cooper, how do you know you're not just dreaming butterflies can't dream?
Sheldon: Because I'm awake.
Professor Ericson: Or are you dreaming you're awake?
Sheldon: You can see I'm awake and you can hear me talking.
Professor Ericson: Yeah... I don't know. I saw some pretty trippy stuff at a Grateful Dead concert. The drummer turned into a tap-dancing walrus and floated away. So we can't really trust our senses, can we?
Sheldon: We can validate them by comparing them with other observers.
Professor Ericson: Mm, but that would mean we have to hear what they say, which requires... trusting our senses. Do you see a problem with your argument, Mr. Cooper?
Sheldon: I could concentrate better if you weren't flashing your toes at me.