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Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Missy: Come on.
Sheldon: I don't want to.
Missy: Just one more time.
Sheldon: Fine.
Both: Rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony!
Sheldon: Rock trips pony. I win.
Missy: How do you keep winning?
Sheldon: You keep picking pony.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Missy: Mom, we're going to Chuck E. Cheese!
Mary: We're not going anywhere. It's almost your bedtime. Sorry, hon.
Missy: Well, all that matters is that I'm the winner.
Sheldon: Yes, you are.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Actually, I was the winner. We spent the whole day doing everything I love: drafting contracts, arguing about rules, and most importantly, never leaving the house.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dale: Boy, for a little guy, he's fast, ain't he?

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dale: Let him go, George.
George Sr.: You want to tell Connie you lost her old boyfriend in the woods?
Dale: Well, he's a grown man for crying out loud. Let him do what he wants.
George Jr.: Well, that's an argument for me having a beer.
George Sr.: Shut up.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: Gentlemen. I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
Dale: See ya.
George Sr.: H-Hang on, Dale. John, wait, you can't just leave. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Sheldon: Okay. Each player alternates naming a state while Hula-Hooping. The first player who can't name a state or drops the Hula-Hoop loses. Ready, set, go.
Missy: Texas.
Sheldon: Darn it.
Missy: So I won?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: Good. 'Cause I was just gonna say "Texas" again.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Meemaw: So enough about me. How about you? You got your wings yet, or is that just in the movies?
Kenneth: It's a Wonderful Life. That's one of my favorites.
Meemaw: Ah, sorry. I didn't see you. I'll keep it down.
Kenneth: No, it's all right. I, uh talk to my wife all the time. I'm Kenneth. This is Vanessa.
Meemaw: Connie. This is Charlie. I'd introduce them, but they're neighbors. They probably know each other.
Kenneth: Well, if he complains about someone snoring, I'm sure it's her.
Meemaw: I didn't bury him with his hearing aid, so he's fine.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm here because my friend George invited me.
Dale: Uh-huh. Well, your friend George invited you because he felt sorry for you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Connie warned me you might behave like this, and she-she was right.
Dale: I don't know why the hell she ever went out with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, she did, and we got along famously.
Dale: Until you broke up with her after you got out of...
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of what? Say it!
Dale: Never mind.
George Sr.: Damn. Piddled on my shoe. What'd I miss?

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

George Jr.: Mind if I grab a beer?
Dale: I'm not your father.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hold on. This young man's underage.
Dale: So?
Dr. John Sturgis: So the laws of Texas are pretty clear on the subject.
Dale: Oh, what a surprise. There's one more thing you know more about than everybody else.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know why you're surprised.
Dale: I don't know why you're here.
George Jr.: I'm just gonna stick with Dr Pepper.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Meemaw: So, Dale is fun. Kind of a good old boy. Reminds me a bit of you. He gets on my nerves. So he kind of reminds me of you. And John's not anything like you. He's not anything like anyone. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about him.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Missy: Can we just sign it and play?
Sheldon: I've signed my name. Feel free to draw an "X."
Missy: I know how to write my name, Sheldon. Damn it, I wrote "Sheldon."

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Sheldon: "And finally, both parties agree the loser will do the activity selected by the winner graciously, without complaint. For the purpose of this agreement, a complaint is defined as any disparaging comment, eye rolls or name calling, including but not limited to: 'dingus, ' 'fartbreath' and 'buttwipe.'"

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Mary: Oh, that's nice. You decided to stay home and play a game?
Missy: Nope. We're inventing a new game, and the winner gets to pick what we do today.
Sheldon: We had to find a way to make sure that it's completely fair to both of us.
Missy: So we made a list of 20 challenges that combine stuff we're both good at. Whoever wins each challenge gets to take a block and put it on top of their tower.
Sheldon: Whoever's tower reaches the height of this rocket first wins.
Mary: Okay, I will leave you to it.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: Dale?
Dale: No, I think I know how to fish, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? 'Cause it doesn't look like it.
Dale: Well, maybe that's because all your talking is scaring the fish away.
Dr. John Sturgis: Evidence suggests your theory is incorrect.
Dale: Well, evidence suggests I need another beer.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Meemaw: So now I have these two guys in my life. And I know that might sound like bragging, but at my age, if you are single and not hooked to an oxygen tank, you got to swat 'em away. I'm still pissed at you for dying. I'm not gonna just sit at home and miss you. I mean, you wouldn't want that. You'd want me to go out and have fun, right? Take your time, think about it.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Sheldon: But your idea of a winner-takes-all competition is a good one. We just need to come up with something that is fair to both of us. Ooh. What if we list all the spices in Mom's spice rack alphabetically? I'll go first. Adobo. Black pepper. Cinnamon. Coriander. Cumin.
Missy: We're not playing the spice game.
Sheldon: Dill.
Missy: Urgh!

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Missy: How about a movie?
Sheldon: How about the planetarium? That's like a movie, where you can see real stars instead of, I don't know, Gene Kelly?
Missy: We're never gonna agree. Let's just do rock, paper, scissors.
Sheldon: No. Anecdotal evidence suggests that players familiar with each other will tie 75% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes.
Missy: Well, what if we added a few more choices? Like, rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony.
Sheldon: Now you're just being silly.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Meemaw: I know it's been a while, but I really have to talk to you. I understand you might not want to hear about my dating life, but if you hadn't died, I wouldn't be in this situation. So this is on you.