Ms. MacElroy: That's sweet of you for asking, but I'd rather stick my finger in a pencil sharpener and crank away.

Tam: Why are you reading about property code?
Sheldon: The house next door to mine is for sale, and I'm looking for ways to control who moves in there.
Tam: When my family moved to Texas, they burned our fishing boat.
Sheldon: Tam, we're talking about my problems right now.
Tam: We usually are.

Sheldon: There's no telling who could buy that house! What if they have dogs? What if they have birds? What if they have both and the birds learned to bark like dogs?
Mary: Sheldon, you're gettin' yourself all worked up.
Sheldon: For good reason... that house is six feet away from my bedroom window. Who knows what kind of smells could jump the gap? Uh, cigarette smoke, a scented candle, a durian?
Mary: What's a durian?
Sheldon: A vile-smelling fruit of the genus Durio.
Mary: When did you smell that?
Sheldon: I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Mary: It might be nice. It might be a family with kids your age.
Sheldon: I already live with a kid my age... not a fan!

Meemaw: What's up?
Missy: Can I talk to you about serious woman stuff?
Meemaw: Of course. Is this a... iced tea conversation or a hot tea conversation?
Missy: Definitely hot.
Meemaw: Uh-oh.

Mary: Mr. Lundy? Come in. What brings you here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the listing agent on the house next door.
Mary: But I thought you were a teacher and a...
Mr. Lundy: And an actor, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to get your son out of my open house.
Mary: Why, what's he doin'?
Mr. Lundy: Well...
[flashback montage:]
Sheldon: I noticed there's hair on your coat. Clearly yours is falling out, but do you also have pets?
Sheldon: I detect a hint of garlic. Do you enjoy cooking stinky foods or are you afraid of vampires?
Sheldon: Is there any chance you're just fat?
[present:]
Mary: Oh, dear, I'll go get him.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you. Kind of a dump. But I could sell it.

Mr. Lundy: Sheldon, if you think you're gonna stop me from selling this house, you're wrong.
Sheldon: Oh, am I?
Mr. Lundy: They tried to stop me from staging The Crucible on roller skates. A lot of understudies went on that day... but so did the show.
Sheldon: You do not want me as an enemy. Or as a friend, sibling or student, I've been told.
Mr. Lundy: All right, look, if it's so important to you, why don't you just go out and find a buyer that you'd be happy with?
Sheldon: So if I find someone I deem acceptable, you'd sell them the house?
Mr. Lundy: If the bank approves, so do I.
Sheldon: Excellent. I wonder if Stephen Hawking would like Texas. It's very flat.

Mr. Givens: So, you think after seeing you every day at school, I'd want to go home, look out my window and see- see more of you?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mr. Givens: Hey, maybe we could ride to school together.
Sheldon: We could play car games.
Mr. Givens: [laughing] Stop, you're killing me.

Sheldon: And then after you buy the house, you rent it out to people who are pre-approved by me.
George: I can't afford a second house.
Sheldon: Georgie, you make as much money as Dad. Why don't you buy it?
George: He does not make as much money as me.
Georgie: No. But I don't have to spend mine on stupid stuff like food and kids.
George: Mary, where's dinner?
Sheldon: So, is that a yes to buying the house?
Georgie: Sorry. When I move out, it ain't gonna be 20 feet away, and it's gotta have a hot tub.

Meemaw: So what's goin' on?
Missy: I think I have a boyfriend.
Meemaw: Wow.
Missy: But you cannot tell Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, of course... I love not telling your mother stuff.

Mary: [praying] Lord, I am trying my best. Please help me with this situation. Amen. [sees a "love thy neighbor" stitching on a pillow] I meant fix him, not me.

Mary: Pastor Jeff, you got a second?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. I might've called before dropping in, but that's just how I was raised.

Dale: I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.
Missy: Meemaw told you?
Dale: She's my girlfriend. You know, we talk about stuff.
Missy: So, all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?
Dale: I was just being nice.
Missy: Since when are you nice?
Dale: Well, don't get used to it. Just go strike out your boyfriend.

Sheldon: Excuse me, is there someone in charge here?
Mr. Lundy: That would be me.
Sheldon: Mr. Lundy? What are you doing here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the realtor.
Sheldon: But you're a teacher and an actor.
Mr. Lundy: And while those both pay so well, I like to do this on the weekends for fun. [chuckles] Why are you here?
Sheldon: I live next door and I'm concerned about who the new neighbor might be.
Mr. Lundy: Don't you worry, I will personally make sure that your new neighbor is whoever forks over the most money.
Sheldon: Thank you. Wait.

Tam: Sheldon's gonna be late.
Mr. Givens: Well, all right!
Tam: It's a police ma...
Mr. Givens: Don't care.

Pastor Jeff: Hey. Robin says the house next door to y'all is for sale.
Mary: Oh, yeah, it is.
Pastor Jeff: Is it nice?
Mary: Uh... nice enough. Why? Are you thinking about moving?
Pastor Jeff: I wasn't, but Robin's not crazy about living in a house I shared with my ex-wife.
Mary: That's understandable.
Pastor Jeff: I want her to be happy. 'Cause I love her. Not just 'cause she's a cop with a gun. [chuckles] But that's part of it.